Confused.

[TaraB]

I have just joined this blog, and not because I have crohns, but because my boyfriend does. And I wanted to get a better understanding of what he's going through and to reccommend this site to him so he knows that he is not the only one out there to suffer. And I may not fully understand what he's going through, but all of you do.

He is 23 and was diagnosed with Crohns about two years ago and has not been happy since. There are a number of things he's angry about. Like the fact hes 23 years old and cannot drink because the next day he feels like he "swallowed glass," and can't do things a normal 23 year old can do. He sometimes has joint pains, especially in his knees. He hates waking up everyday having the mindset that he now has to take his Aprasio (his current medication) for the rest of his life. It scares me because he says if he ever has to have surgery he just wants to die because its "just not happening." I know he's just going through a lot right now and it is scary knowing there isn't a cure, so it's hard for him to cope with things...again I know it is a lot harder thinking he's the only one going through this. He's always so cranky now.

I can't just let him go because he's always miserable. He's just an amazing person inside and out but him not being about to cope with his disease is just driving me nuts. His mom told me if I'm not prepared to deal with it then I should just walk away. But I am prepared, I just don't know how to talk him through things. Like when I ask if everythings ok, he just says no. And it hurts me knowing there's absolutely nothing I can do to help.

Please help me and give me some advice here. I'm stuck.:frown:

 

[Crohn's 35]

:welcome: Tara! Yes, we do know what he is going through but the emotional side is harder on men because they are not "open" to discussing things to their partners because it is embarrassing to say the last. Depression can happen at younger ages because they worry about the future. I commend you for hanging in there for him but we still have control of who we are, and being rude shouldnt be tolerated. It is very tough, we have our ups and downs, there are ways of controlling his flares, meds, diet and his mental attitude can help make it easier. He feels he is a failure and some people here to very well with counselling.

You need to sit and talk to him about your relationship, I am sure he loves you but he may feel like he is letting you down, I have those feelings too but my wonderful husband is in it for the long haul. Ask him if he wants this relationship and it is ok to need you.

YOU can tell him you will stand by him and his decision. He is young and scared, no man ever wants to admit that.. It also could be a good idea for him to join here too, we can help him but only if he wants help. Glad you are there for him, ask him if he needs space, he maybe not able to express himself right now. There are many meds to help control his flares, this disease is not a death sentence and most of us lead productive lives. :hang: Nice of you to be a caring soul.

 

[kenyasolovely]

Pen gives great answers

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Tara, first of all I wanted to thank you for being such a supportive and caring girlfriend. It's great that you want to know as much about this illness as you can so that you can support him as well as possible. Kudos to you for that!

Secondly, you said there's no cure. And you're right - there's no cure - yet. He's only 23, there may very well be a cure within his lifetime, or at the very least there will be better and better treatments and more treatment options. Stem cell therapy may yet be the cure we've all been looking for. I know I always feel very hopeful whenever I read about stem cell treatments. Have a look at this thread (better yet, have your boyfriend look at this thread) and the links within and see if this helps his attitude turn around at all.
http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthread.php?t=22259

Other than that, I can't add any more than what Pen already said. Pen is wise.

 

[Shay]

Hello Tara,
I was recently diagnosed with Crohns in February of this year.
My recently fiance and I did have some troubles in the beginning.
I felt embarrassed, and segregated from our friends and social events because I can not drink nor enjoy myself.
People start acting different towards you, assuming they might say something to upset you.
I got angry at him for not understanding (not his fault) and did push him away. He gave me space when needed, but also gave me a shoulder to lean on.
The only thing you can do for you boyfriend is be there for him.
I know that is very cliche, but in all honestly, it saved my relationship.
You can gain as much knowledge about the disease, which is helpful, but most of the time, I speak for myself from experience, I just want someone to make me laugh. Not remind me of my illness. He might be different, as every situation is.
I just wanted to let you know what worked for me.
Hope this helps!
Shay