Crohn's and Relationships

[kristenw16]

Hi!

I'm new here and just wanted to ask about how everyone here deals with their Crohn's and their relationships.

1 1/2 years ago I started dating this guy. Within the first 2 weeks of our relationship I just flat out told him about my illness and that I took medications and such. He seemed fine with it at first. We were together for a year and then just a month or so ago I had a flare. I was sick and nauseous all the time. I always felt tired and just wanted to sleep. At first he came and visited me, but then slowly I noticed the same thing was occurring with him as it had with all my previous relationships. I could tell he didn't really want to see me. One day he called me and told me he'd come visit me after work. The next time I heard from him was at 2:00 A.M. where he informed me he had been out drinking with one of his friends. Naturally I was a little upset as I here I am sick as hell just laying in bed and he's out partying. A little while after our conversation I ended up in the hospital. The next day he came to visit me and all was seemingly well. 2 days after I got out of the hospital I asked him if he had plans to come see me after work. He told me no as he had to work till 12:00 that night. I was fine with that. He calls me 2:00 A.M. that night slurring his words to a point where it was obvious he had been drinking. The next day he came to my house and I lied and told him I had called his work at 11:00 and they had told me he wasn't there. He then admitted that he had been out drinking with some of his guy friends. He told me there weren't any girls or drugs or anything. Later, the story changes and as it turns out there were girls drinking with him and his friends. I really wouldn't have cared if there were girls there, but don't you think it's a red flag when someone leaves something out of a story? Why lie if you have nothing to hide? I'm still currently in a flare and now he complains all the time - about my weight loss, my fatigue, how we never do anything, ect... We have been together for a while. Before I started flaring all was well. Now it's the same story as it's always been. They want to be around you when you're up, but when you're down, they just want to leave.

The same thing happened with my ex boyfriend - I was in the hospital while he was in the strip club.

I'm just curious as to how people handle having relationships with this illness. I've grown to dread flares simply because I know people have a tendency to just pick up and leave when I'm ill. I know the gut response is "Well if they won't stay with you when you're sick, maybe they don't really care about you." True, but since the majority of the world is like this who exactly am I supposed to socialize with? You have no idea how many friends I've lost simply because they didn't want to spend time with a sick person. I try to muster up all the strength I can and I even go out and do things sometimes with people even when I'd really prefer to curl up in my bed and just sleep. But it does become extremely draining. So I am just curious as to how everyone handles it?

I know some day I want to have children. But I discourage myself from such thoughts simply because I don't think I'd ever be able to handle caring for one. This disease seems to have taken so much out of me and away from me. I just want to know if I'm the only one who's experienced this.

 

[Ezequiel]

This really isn't a crohns thing I am afraid. He would be doing this even if you were not ill.

Quite frankly, you need to avoid men who drink and find yourself someone more suited to family life.

So many women make the mistake of dating the wrong guy and hurting themselves over it.

There really are a lot of loyal guys who want children and are more than happy to be there during the difficult times, you just need to give more guys the opportunity and not judge them purely by their appearance or whatnot.

I have seen these kind of things first hand.

I once really liked this girl, and she rejected me because I was too short (I am 5'9') and she went on to date a guy who was very confident, 6'4'' and "her type". He ended up being an abusive guy who hit his girlfriends and she got stuck in that relationship for 2 years. She now does not trust men and is well into her 30's and single, living with her mother.

Both my sisters married complete idiots. One of my sisters was an 18 year old naive girl, married the first guy who gave her attention. He is nice to her and a good family man, but he also is an alcoholic and does idiotic things because of his drinking. (He never works, sleeps all day and brings financial strain on the family).

My other sister also married the first guy who showed a bit of confidence about him. He ended up hitting his kids and was a very paranoid and jealous guy. I think he even hit my sister and a few years ago he was diagnosed with mental illness and is now living in a home. (My sister has divorced him after 15 years of marriage.)

My father tried desperately to distance these men from his daughter and even till this day, he talks about the bad decisions they made.

Sometimes we need to make better decisions and learn to cut things off when we notice things like this.

Its time to be brave and give new people a chance.

Crohn's is not the issue here, its the people you surround yourself with and quite obviously, this guy needs to be distanced from.

I do not mean to sound harsh, but saying everyone acts in the same manner is absurd and quite offensive to nice guys like me who have had to hear that kind of stuff from women over the years (and getting rejected by them for so many superficial reasions).

I am now married with 2 children and when I think back to all the people who rejected me and ended up dating idiots, it makes me feel proud that I ended up with the person I am now and not the women who have basically put themselves into a position purely because they are attracted to the wrong type of guy because of their overconfidence (and the womans lack of)

I do not drink, I rarely socialise with my friends and prefer to be with my family and wife instead. Sure I am not perfect but I always put them before everything else.

You just need to be open to maybe not clinging to the "macho" guy and try to find a man who is looking for the same thing as you, even if that guy doesn't really fit into your type.

 

[Jer's Girl]

Amen Ezequiel! Amen to everything you said.

kristenw16- there are nice guys out there, you just have to look really really hard. There are a lot of bad guys, but there are a lot of bad girls too. You have to weed through the bad and eventually you find the good. Finding love is never easy, but it is worth it.

I went through a couple of jerks, but I am with a lovely wonderful guy who is with me every step of the way, even when I am really sick (like now). It took me years to find him, but I'm glad I didn't give up. Nether should you! Sorry you are going through this now though.

 

[Jer's Girl]

PS- I didn't mean to seem like I didn't understand your feelings right now. I bet a lot of Crohn's people; or sick people in general for that matter; have felt the way you are feeling, including me.

I hope you kick that jerk you are with to the curb so that you can find someone better. Sometimes if we are with the wrong person, we miss it when the right person comes along.

 

[shazamataz]

I personally can't imagine finding a decent man now! I'm getting old and I expect being sick isn't exactly a turn on. Not to mention how do you find someone when you hardly are able to or feel like going out?
However, I do believe that while I don't like being on my own, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't understand and is not supportive. You are better off without someone like that - the stress will only make you sicker. My last one was an ass and if we'd still been together when I got sick I imagine he would have been next to useless as well. I still miss him but know I am better off without him in the long run!
You will be okay, best to be focusing on looking aftre yourself

 

[BWS1982]

Ezequiel has a good point, that that's not normal. You've perhaps got to look at why these people keep being chosen, and realize that that methodology is preventing you from realizing your happiness somehow it seems. You're too good for that vicious cycle, and you'll find the right ones often by going through the wrong ones. It will help you recognize what you don't want. Don't blame yourself for becoming sick though, whatever you do.

I met my fiance online, we'd been together now 5 years. I never had a girlfriend before that because I never got seen as an option I think, I had many female friends, but I was the shoulder to lean on when their jerk was ditching them or cheating on them. I'm not a "relationship master" and I didn't spend a lot of time going in and out of them, but I sure as heck spent a lot of time studying them from afar on the sidelines. I think that perspective, although not first hand, was unique in its own right.

Perhaps you should point blank as this guy what his intentions are if you stay sick for a while, or if he realizes he's displaying a threshold for the amount of support and dedication to the relationship.

 

[Crohn's 35]

I can speak from experience of attracting "bad boys" in my past, and trust me it is all about them, it is not your fault they are only out for a good time and not caring and trusting. If you have to worry about where they are then that is a clue telling you he is not the right guy. My husband NEVER goes out to bars, calls me where ever he is, even if he is at work or a meeting the guys razz him he doesnt care, and tells me he loves me, even after I let him off the hook. He is confident about himself and doesnt need to be with others to prove his manly hood. Dont judge a book by it's cover, the good ones, are in the inside. Also it is hard for some people to deal with a debilitating disease. Outsiders dont have a clue. Find someone that loves you, not themselves. I learned too after 2 failed marriages, now I have the knight in shining armour! Good luck.

 

[Kuwabara]

I guess at the heart of this is the fact that we only learn from experiencing life and learning from our mistakes. I think of some of the people on this forum who have wonderful partners who deeply care about their condition are the testament that should ease your woe . I've read quite a few posts of partners of people with Crohn's researching things out,trying to get their heads around the whole situation so they can empathize.

As for losing 'friends' over you sickness..these people weren't your friends,if they abandon you or look down at you because of your illness they're not your friends. I fell out with two of my friends the other week after they told me to 'get on with my life' and to 'not worry about my disease...its not as if its cancer or anything'.

I compare that to the response of my best friend from Uni who asked if I wanted him to visit me in hospital or my friend from school who was angry that I didnt tell him I had Crohn's cos he felt awful about not offering his support.

Whatever you do you can't give up on yourself and the rest of mankind. If you lose the ability to love others you're life will only get worse. Hell is the inability to love.

This is just a general hunch - I know it to be true for me, but in a way my diesease is a positive thing in my life, it makes you savour what you've got. And as only you can truly understand the way you feel - it breeds a kind of inner resilience and knowledge. The disease is a kind of inner solititude which we must find peace with. I think Shazz is right about the whole thing about being comfortable being single if the partners just aren't there.I know personally I find great comfort and strength in solitude and philosophy etc that helps negate the lonleyness.

Anyway I've realized I've started sounding like Yoda so I'll shut up now.

 

[beth]

Hey James.... I mean Yoda!... wiseness does this young man have.

It's true, people who leave when you are ill are not your friends, and certainly not your life partner.

As to finding a life partner I wouldn't know. I bumped into mine online, I couldn't say it was love at first sight when he appeared on my doorstep, as I had only just started to be comfortable in mySelf let alone knew what love was when it rolled up. It was pretty obvious tho as time went on.