Dating, school, and a stoma?

[Crohn'sGirl]

This is more of a future question because I'm not dating and probably won't be anytime soon as I have to get a divorce soon. I'll explain alittle. I didnt have a stoma when I got married almost 2 years ago. Since I got married I've been hospitalized 5 times. I got my ileostomy in October of this year and my husband wasn't even around for my 2 week hospital stay. He is not very supportive of my disease and acts like I have a cold that will go away instead of Crohn's disease and a stoma. We are getting a divorce and that made me worry about what would happen if I started dating in the future. Also I am going to be going back to school to get my Masters degree. I did not have an ileostomy during the years of my undergrad so I am nervous about going back to school and possibly changing my job. Everyone at my current job knows about my Crohns and that I had surgery. Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Has anyone had to tell teachers or new employers or boyfriends after the surgery. I am feeling amazing since the surgery and look so much better (not so sickly). I am wondering if I have to tell anyone? What is everyone elses thoughts on the matter? I also recently got back in touch with a friend from high school. He only knows I had Crohns because I told him, but I have not told him about my ileostomy and I am going to visit him in a few weeks. Should I tell him?

 

[Nyx]

Right after I got Oscar, I started college. Go to your version of "Student Success" (that's what it's called at my school) and let them know that you have a stoma. They can set you up with counselling if you need it, separate rooms for taking tests if you're uncomfortable taking them with the masses, and any other support that you may need. I signed up right away because I wasn't sure how noisy Oscar was going to be during tests...I wound up not needing the service, but it was nice knowing that it was available. I found that they were more than willing to help make your school experience as easy as possible. You don't have to tell your teachers why you need to be in a different room from everyone else, you only need to divulge that to your counsellor. I'm not shy, so I told all my teachers...I found that that helped me out a lot, knowing that they understood my situation. But then again, I told everyone I know about Oscar...lol I feel so much better and look so much better that I'm glad to tell everyone why. I think also that because my stoma's permanent, I don't feel the need to hide it from anyone.

Re: dating...I haven't been in that situation, since I got my stoma while engaged (he's been wonderful ). But, if you're not comfortable telling any dates about it, then don't. If it gets serious, obviously you're going to have to divulge that information, because they'll find out eventually anyway. Personally, I don't find it something to hide. It is what it is. It's kept me alive, and I'm grateful for that. As I've said on this forum before, I'd rather laugh and celebrate it than cry and be depressed about it. But, that's just my opinion...take from it what you will.

Good luck with school and dating...I think you'll find you're worrying more now that you really need to be

 

[Crohn'sGirl]

Thanks, I think ok actually know that sometimes I overthink things or worry ahead of time. My mom gets on my case about it all the time lol.

 

[PsychoJane]

As Cindy said, no need to rush with telling it when you date. You will have the feeling they are able to cope with the news or not. I had mine at the age of 14. I was terrified at first and since, it is really different. Most people are really understanding and I mean, I went through the dating, flirting, "one nighting" even and I haven't been hurt to much from that. Sure some men disappeared when I announced it, but damn, it gives a lot on what they can handle in life... I mean, if they can't handle that, then they are better out of my life cause it could be anything else and they would not stay. But then again, they were minority. Some guy I would have believed so shallow were totally understanding. I think that people generally are more concerned about the fact they think they can hurt you but once they understand that's not gonna be a problem then, they just find you as sexy with or without

 

[Crohn'sGirl]

Thanks guys. I am really nervous because I am going to be seeing an old friend in a few weeks and he doesnt know about the stoma. He knows about the Crohns and is completely understanding as he has a close friend who has Crohns also so I didnt have to really explain it all which was nice. We're probably going to spend atleast a few hours together and I'm more nervous about what to wear so he wont notice it.

 

[PsychoJane]

Believe me, you don't have to worry too much. We think people could think about it but really... unless they really are aware that this is a possibility no one sees it. My friend is a nurse, I have known her (well she was more of an acquaintance) for about a year and a half and I told her this year. She works on surgery unit at time, she is aware that it exists and she was also aware I have crohn. Oh and she has another friend that has a stoma too. When I told her she said she was really surprised, she had never noticed it and really, I don't try more than I should to hide it. So don't stress yourself too much, everything should be just fine =)