Dating someone with a stoma

[Janderson2011]

So...I met this amazing guy and we've gone out a few times. The other day he told me about his Crohn's and his stoma. It doesn't effect at all how I feel about him, I'm actually happy he trusted me enough to tell me. I'm just so curious now and don't really know how to ask questions without bugging him or seeming like I want to analyze the situation. In reality, I just want to know what it's like, what life is like for him. What changes? What doesn't? I've read so much in the past couple days, but I think I'm more confused than ever. Hence me turning to this forum. Can I ask my new man these questions I have? Should I wait? How do I start the convo? I really like him and want to be with him. He is great and I truly just want to understand. Thanks for your help and guidance.
Jen

 

[Crohn's Mom]

I can't help you with the stoma questions but I just want to say welcome and I think it's impressive and very sweet of you to try and educate yourself for his benefit. Well done

Best of luck to you both in your new relationship. Sounds like your off to a great start.
I'm just guessing here, but if he has already trusted you with telling you about the stoma, then he would probably welcome any questions you may have

 

[Keona]

Best of luck with your new relationship. I would ask him if it is okay to ask... don't be afraid of him. It will enrich your relationship even more and shows your interest. If he isn't comfortable talking about it, I am sure he will tell you.

 

[CDDad]

I'm pretty impressed that you're coming here to learn about it -that's great. I would just talk to him about it - he already told you so I think he's open about it.
I'm going on a year now, so for me, it just feels like a normal part of my life now. I do everything I did before, and much more because I'm feeling so good now.
My wife is ok with it, I'm ok with it, so there's no issue in that dept.

Things that change in life: I have to change my appliance every 4 days. It might be different for him depending on if he has an Ileostomy or Colostomy. The different is if the stoma is made from the end of the small bowel or from the colon.

Ileostomies are more high maintenance. They need to be emptied more often and the appliance might not last as long.

And I don't take my shirt off at the beach or pool anymore . I use a swim shirt - many people wear them now, so it's not that unusual. Probably trying to avoid skin cancer.

One more thing - sometimes the stoma can make noises that can be embarrassing. With my family, usually we'll just giggle for a loud one.

Good luck - let us know how it goes!

 

[dreamintwilight]

Hi Jen Welcome.

I think it's awesome that you are willing to learn more about what it is like for your boyfriend to live with a stoma. I agree with others in that you should talk with him. Maybe instead of bombarding him with questions at first, let him know that you love him and want to support him and if he feels comfortable telling you more about it than you would love to learn. It is such an important thing to have a support system and having the one you love be a part of that support system is even better! That is a tough one for some people, so congrats for embracing it and not being afraid to know more.

I don't have personal knowledge of a stoma, but there are plenty of people on here who can tell you more. If you search the forum you will find more posts about it too.

And don't be afraid to ask questions on here. We're a support forum for people with IBD as well as the loved ones of people with IBD!

 

[Sue-2009]

Wow!! People and their goodness never cease to amaze me. There are good people out there...Welcome, and I hope things work out! Sue

 

[Jer's Girl]

Welcome Jen! I think your post will give a lot of people who have stomas and are a bit afraid to date some hope!

I had a stoma for six months, and really, it didn't bother my husband one little bit! I was the same person, just healthier! Intimacy was no problem either, if you are worried about that. There are wraps that I used to cover it, but really the bag didn't bother him.

Thanks for trying to educate yourself. I don't know how long you two have been together, but real love transcends all obstacles.

 

[ameslouise]

Welcome Jen! Ditto what everyone else has said about your willingness to learn about your man's condition. I would approach him about it gently, just say that you want to know everything about him, and when he is ready to share, you would love to learn about his health stuff.

I also thank you for coming on here to show the single ostomates our soon-to-be ostomates on our forum that there are kind, understanding people out there than can look past our stomas and see us for the people we really are!

- amy