- Joined
- Apr 7, 2013
- Messages
- 3
I've never joined any type of Crohn's forum before...In fact, I used to find them silly and showing a sign of weakness or just as a place for people to complain but today I feel like the weakest person on the planet. I have been researching and considering suicide for the past four days.
I was diagnosed with IBD (UC) when I was 3, then diagnosed again with Crohn's when I was 11. I'm currently 20 years old, therefore I have survived 17 years of weight loss, weight gain, acne, hair loss, hair growth, mood swings, picc lines, hospital stays, CT scans, barium x-rays, enemas, prednisone rounds, methotrexate, remicade reactions, imuron reactions, and iron dextrose and sucrose reactions. I'm of average build but I'm so out of shape that I can't run, swim, hike, or do..anything fairly athletic outside of yoga.
I'm currently on Humira, Methotrexate, Prednisone and quite a few other medications as I'm going through a flare.
I had to take time off in high school due to a flare and finally left for college as a 20 year old freshman--only that lasted two months before I became so sick and lost so much blood every day that I became suicidal and decided to take a medical leave of absence. I was lucky enough to have love in my life at the time. I had a really incredible, caring, thoughtful boyfriend of over a year away at his respective school. He's a completely healthy, ambitious, driven and handsome guy that invited me to live with him for the rest of the semester in his apartment while I focused on my health since my home life is less than satisfactory. It's not that I'm in an abusive situation--I just live with my grandparents (one of which is senile), my mom, and my mentally challenged uncle--not exactly a stree-free or quiet environment and not exactly helpful when you're trying to recover. Well because I was so unfamiliar with what it felt like to be loved so heavily and taken care of, I became dependent on him. We had a big blow out in October and he uttered to the words "If this is what it's going to be like forever, then I don't think I can handle this."...and I lied. I said it wouldn't. I know I can't control my disease. I didn't know how long my flare would last. I begged him to give me a chance to improve and he did. And I did..or so I had thought. The next semester I signed up to take part-time classes at a local college, and took a temp job. In the month before we left, we ended up spending every moment of free time together that we had knowing we might not see each other for months.
He left to study abroad in a remote area that makes communication only feasible occasionally through facebook and half hour phone calls once every few weeks and while I was fine with that, I don't think he was. We had been in a fairly great place and before he left he said I was the love of his life and his best friend. We seemed so sure that we could make it through. About three weeks after he left, I was admitted to the hospital from pain due to my flare. He believes and I think I might too--that the stress of him leaving caused my disease to flare. When I asked my doctor about it, he said it was only a matter of time and that he didn't believe this was the cause.
Out of nowhere, two weeks ago my boyfriend called and broke up with me. He said he felt like he's been waiting for so long for me to live the life I've wanted to live (i.e. be away at school and pursue my own interests) and he just doesn't see it happening anymore and by being abroad he's felt incredibly guilty for his pursuits and we'd become codependent. Like if he wanted to travel again and we were together, he might choose not to. He broke up with me the day I started Methotrexate. He knew I was nervous, he knew I've been going through this rough time, and he knew he only had a limited amount of time he could spend talking to me about it.
I spent the past two weeks reflecting. I've been to yoga, therapy, and acupuncture. I read about codependency. I started meditating. I came to the conclusion that he was right about certain aspects of the relationship and felt like maybe I was turning a corner--Until a few days ago. And although physically I may feel slightly better, my anxiety and depression has only become agonizing. I went to my GP and asked for anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. I'm well aware that my anti-depressants need ten days to work but the Xanax isn't working at all. I can't sleep and when I finally do, I wake up at 4 am and then at 6 with worse anxiety than I've had before. I cry every morning and every afternoon. The worst part of all of this is that my GI prescribed me Dilaudid for pain a while ago and now my Crohn's is in control that I truly don't need it but that's the only thing I've noticed that helps me calm down and forget about him. I even have thc pills and all they do is make me remember vivid flashbacks of the relationship and cry uncontrollably. I know how Dilaudid is a very slippery slope and I don't want to tack on an addiction to my numerous other issues but I can't concentrate. I can't walk. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pray that I just won't wake up. I've tried speaking to my mom about this but she only sees this as depression about the disease.
What I'm truly feeling is hopeless. I feel as though no matter what I achieve, I won't have that kind of love I felt knowing I'm cursed with Crohn's. It was so truly easy to go through life not knowing what it felt like to be cared for. Not having someone whisper that they love you when they think you're asleep and wanting to stand up for you when you feel trapped. And even more so...he was my best friend. We may have had vastly different interests but we always respected them and tried to share and at the end of the day, just sitting and talking with him made everything else bearable. Now that's been ripped away from me with very little explanation other than "I still love you, you're still my best friend."
I was so lucky to meet him when I did and now I'll never get the chance to meet a guy like him. I'll be trapped at a local school in a town full of kids that don't want to make plans while I'm someone that has tons of goals...I just can't pursue any of them. So now all I ask myself is..what's the point? If I can't live my life the way I want to. If I can't have love. Why should I keep going? My family will be fine. I've burdened them my entire lives--especially financially. The very few friends I have left are off at their respective schools building their respective lives.
I'm not sure why I'm posting here but I suppose deep down I know that this may be temporary. I simply just want a solution.
I was diagnosed with IBD (UC) when I was 3, then diagnosed again with Crohn's when I was 11. I'm currently 20 years old, therefore I have survived 17 years of weight loss, weight gain, acne, hair loss, hair growth, mood swings, picc lines, hospital stays, CT scans, barium x-rays, enemas, prednisone rounds, methotrexate, remicade reactions, imuron reactions, and iron dextrose and sucrose reactions. I'm of average build but I'm so out of shape that I can't run, swim, hike, or do..anything fairly athletic outside of yoga.
I'm currently on Humira, Methotrexate, Prednisone and quite a few other medications as I'm going through a flare.
I had to take time off in high school due to a flare and finally left for college as a 20 year old freshman--only that lasted two months before I became so sick and lost so much blood every day that I became suicidal and decided to take a medical leave of absence. I was lucky enough to have love in my life at the time. I had a really incredible, caring, thoughtful boyfriend of over a year away at his respective school. He's a completely healthy, ambitious, driven and handsome guy that invited me to live with him for the rest of the semester in his apartment while I focused on my health since my home life is less than satisfactory. It's not that I'm in an abusive situation--I just live with my grandparents (one of which is senile), my mom, and my mentally challenged uncle--not exactly a stree-free or quiet environment and not exactly helpful when you're trying to recover. Well because I was so unfamiliar with what it felt like to be loved so heavily and taken care of, I became dependent on him. We had a big blow out in October and he uttered to the words "If this is what it's going to be like forever, then I don't think I can handle this."...and I lied. I said it wouldn't. I know I can't control my disease. I didn't know how long my flare would last. I begged him to give me a chance to improve and he did. And I did..or so I had thought. The next semester I signed up to take part-time classes at a local college, and took a temp job. In the month before we left, we ended up spending every moment of free time together that we had knowing we might not see each other for months.
He left to study abroad in a remote area that makes communication only feasible occasionally through facebook and half hour phone calls once every few weeks and while I was fine with that, I don't think he was. We had been in a fairly great place and before he left he said I was the love of his life and his best friend. We seemed so sure that we could make it through. About three weeks after he left, I was admitted to the hospital from pain due to my flare. He believes and I think I might too--that the stress of him leaving caused my disease to flare. When I asked my doctor about it, he said it was only a matter of time and that he didn't believe this was the cause.
Out of nowhere, two weeks ago my boyfriend called and broke up with me. He said he felt like he's been waiting for so long for me to live the life I've wanted to live (i.e. be away at school and pursue my own interests) and he just doesn't see it happening anymore and by being abroad he's felt incredibly guilty for his pursuits and we'd become codependent. Like if he wanted to travel again and we were together, he might choose not to. He broke up with me the day I started Methotrexate. He knew I was nervous, he knew I've been going through this rough time, and he knew he only had a limited amount of time he could spend talking to me about it.
I spent the past two weeks reflecting. I've been to yoga, therapy, and acupuncture. I read about codependency. I started meditating. I came to the conclusion that he was right about certain aspects of the relationship and felt like maybe I was turning a corner--Until a few days ago. And although physically I may feel slightly better, my anxiety and depression has only become agonizing. I went to my GP and asked for anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. I'm well aware that my anti-depressants need ten days to work but the Xanax isn't working at all. I can't sleep and when I finally do, I wake up at 4 am and then at 6 with worse anxiety than I've had before. I cry every morning and every afternoon. The worst part of all of this is that my GI prescribed me Dilaudid for pain a while ago and now my Crohn's is in control that I truly don't need it but that's the only thing I've noticed that helps me calm down and forget about him. I even have thc pills and all they do is make me remember vivid flashbacks of the relationship and cry uncontrollably. I know how Dilaudid is a very slippery slope and I don't want to tack on an addiction to my numerous other issues but I can't concentrate. I can't walk. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pray that I just won't wake up. I've tried speaking to my mom about this but she only sees this as depression about the disease.
What I'm truly feeling is hopeless. I feel as though no matter what I achieve, I won't have that kind of love I felt knowing I'm cursed with Crohn's. It was so truly easy to go through life not knowing what it felt like to be cared for. Not having someone whisper that they love you when they think you're asleep and wanting to stand up for you when you feel trapped. And even more so...he was my best friend. We may have had vastly different interests but we always respected them and tried to share and at the end of the day, just sitting and talking with him made everything else bearable. Now that's been ripped away from me with very little explanation other than "I still love you, you're still my best friend."
I was so lucky to meet him when I did and now I'll never get the chance to meet a guy like him. I'll be trapped at a local school in a town full of kids that don't want to make plans while I'm someone that has tons of goals...I just can't pursue any of them. So now all I ask myself is..what's the point? If I can't live my life the way I want to. If I can't have love. Why should I keep going? My family will be fine. I've burdened them my entire lives--especially financially. The very few friends I have left are off at their respective schools building their respective lives.
I'm not sure why I'm posting here but I suppose deep down I know that this may be temporary. I simply just want a solution.
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