Fun with colonoscopy prep!

[Goddess]

Here are my newly-formulated Helpful Hints on Colonoscopy Prep!

I was following my doctor's instructions, but of course please follow your own doctor's instructions instead!

First off, I freely admit to bring a total and complete baby when it comes to colonoscopy prep. I believe that I have made up for this in my life by being "the only patient I've ever heard of in 20 years here" to compliment the hospital staff on the taste of their barium. But compared to the 4 milkshake-shaker-sized-glasses of half-dissolved dollops of lukewarm grey geologic silt that I had to drink in Japan, theirs was like a frickin' strawberry smoothie.

Secondly, since I have to do the prep anyway, why not do a bit of research and then dedicate my efforts to the advancement of science?

Thirdly, it's sure a hell of a lot more entertaining to spend 3 hours contemplating HOW to do the prep than to spend 3 hours just alternately dreading and drinking. And distraction doesn't work. Not Season 1 of Project Runway All Stars, not the latest episode of The Walking Dead, not even the ultimate big guns of Teen Mom 3. And forget re-reading Brideshead Revisited. That's just delusional, not to mention pretentious.

OK, Colonoscopy Friends! On to the Hints!

Basics:
-it's somehow simultaneously viscous and grainy.
-you have to drink a whole lot of it.
-you have a limited time.
-it will make you go to the bathroom.
-that is kind of the point of the whole thing.

So...goal #1 is to get as much in you as possible before it starts coming back out.

SOLUTION! Mix it double-strength, chase it with a liquid of normal texture. I generally drink about twice as much water as prep fluid.


The Start:
-that crap tastes bad.
-the flavors they give you to mix in are made by people who hate you personally, all of humanity, or both.
-although tequila is a clear liquid, apparently it is not considered a medically-appropriate chaser. As an alternative that won't be so irritating to your stomach, you may, however, want to mainline some heroin (please clear it with your doctor first).

So...goal #2 is to survive the nasty-taste gauntlet.

SOLUTION! Espresso powder or Crystal Light Peach Tea flavor. Trust me on the Peach Tea. It's by far the best of some hella bad options.

**note: Might want to check with your own doctor on the espresso powder. Maybe they only look admiring and say,"ooh, bonne idee, Madame!" in Paris. In other locations you risk being told to quit being an idiot and start the whole thing all over.

Le Continuation:
-did I mention that there's a lot of it and a limited time?

So...goal #3 is to give oneself a feeling of achievement.

SOLUTION! Divide it into 250-ml bottles, and line those dead soldiers up as you go. Elicit congratulations from nurses, janitors, or passersby. Do not let scornful and dismissive German nurse rain on your parade. You rock!!!

The Final Stretch:
-the whole process is horrible and soul-destroying.

So...goal #4 is to stay sane and happy.

SOLUTION! Cheat like a bandit and dump the last 1/4 bottle down the sink. Come on, how precisely do you think they measured the dosage anyway? They just grabbed a jug of stuff at random. Surely you weigh less than the average patient. If you don't now, you will soon. Warning: this is, of course, extremely bad advice...but I have to bet I'm not the only one...

In summary, as we say in Japan: "LET'S HAPPY COLON PREP TOGETHER WITH US!!"

 

[rrhood1]

Thank you for that. I needed a laugh today!

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Goddess, do you live in Japan? I know a girl who's studying for a semester in Japan, and she keeps posting photos on her facebook of all the adorable stuff she sees. Seriously everything there is apparently adorable. Even a hamburger she ate for lunch was adorable (it was shaped like Mickey Mouse and apparently she got it at Tokyo Disney, but still - adorable!). So I'm trying to envision bowel prep in Japan, and I can only imagine that it must be adorable too. I'm thinking the jug of prep must be shaped like a Pokemon. With a big smiley happy face and flowers on it. I'm also imagining you can only drink your prep in a cup that is tiny for no reason. And I have to assume that the toilet is super high-tech and talks to you (in an adorable robot voice) while you're using it? Yes?

 

[GIGI69]

This was great, as I'm lying here at 2am with the effects of the prep for my scope in the morning. I'm always like, "I don't have as much colon as the average Joe (or in my case Joette). Why do I have to drink the same amount of goop?! I made the same observation to my husband about vodka. He didn't think that was a good idea. I have to say that Sprite for me is the best chaser.

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

I was giggling so much over this! Of course, whenever I find something funny my husband always is asking me what I'm laughing about. So, husband ended up hearing a bit of the best stuff as well! Have to admit to sometimes only being able to drink half the prep because it makes me so sick and I'm underweight anyway.

Cat, where can we get this TP? I might have to stock up for the next time I have a prep! Especially if I end up with a Colonoscopy after Christmas. However, I suppose that talking TP would get to be sort of annoying. Especially if it keeps asking you, "are you done yet?". :ybatty: Maybe a quiet TP would be best after all...

 

[Goddess]

Cat-A-Tonic, all Japanese prep is pink and comes in teeny little Hello Kitty bottles. With free stickers! How did you know?

All I can speak for is the barium, which was like some sort of concrete-based torture fluid.

Truth be told, Japan is a fascinating mix of old and new. The first restaurant I went to had a non-flush, pit toilet...but the toilet paper holder played "My Way".

The most recent apartment I lived in, on the other hand, had a "Washlet" bidet seat (heated, and with a blow-dryer) that automatically sensed when you opened the door, and turned on the light and raised the toilet lid. Freaked me out the first time it happened. AND automatically flushed, lowered the lid, and turned out the lights. It did everything but go to the bathroom for you.

There was a fascinating article about Toto, the toilet company, recruiting a busload full of non-Japanese people for a free weekend trip to a resort hotel. All they had to do was fill out detailed questionnaires about the prototype toilets installed in the rooms, what they liked and didn't like, and any suggestions. What a deal!

 

[Essieluv]

This is hilarious and so-sadly-accurate-it's-funny!!! I am cracking up! Thanks for the laugh, I'll have to remember it for my next prep...