Heading for Divorce

[stylinmama]

So three days ago I was at my worst..... I was in soo much pain and I was so tired and my husband called home at around 10pm. I had just went to lay down after spending the day trying to not look sick and angry in front of our kids. Well I told him how my day went and that I just wanted to go to sleep and he must have been having a bad day too, but he started freaking out and telling me not to snap at him and he didn't call home to hear a bunch of BS. So I told him to stop calling home then b/c that's all I have right now. We haven't really talked since except he called here to tell me to come and pick him up next Tuesday and I told him it was a disease that will never go away and I have to live with a fear of all foods and pain and fatigue and that it will always be here. And he didn't say anything...he just doesn't get it. I feel so alone...I don't know anyone else with this probelm (well I do have friend that has Crohns but her's is very minor and is controled with eating more fibre.....I wish!). Just soo many drugs, and so much pain, and being afraid all the time that I may get sick if I eat this cookie, or drink this juice. You never know when it's going to hit. I keep trying to explain this to him, but he'll never really understand and I know he sometimes doesn't even believe me about the pain. A few times he had to drive me to the hospital (the closest it 80 km away) and he just seemed annoyed.

Honestly he is a wonderful man and person when I'm not sick, and I love him to pieces, but if he doesn't believe me, then I can only imagine what he thinks when I tell him I'm not feeling well. Does he think I'm just an attention grabbing lunatic????? The pred of course is no help....makes me super nuts!

It just makes me feel even more alone. Like if my own husband seems like he doesn't believe me or is annoyed with me..... what does everyone else in my life think of me??

He's never said that he thinks I'm faking...but the way he sometimes talks to me when I'm sick or when he has to drive me to tim buk too for tests and ER visits and he just seems annoyed and won't even talk to me really it sure makes me wonder what's going on in his mind.

Also, I haven't been able as of yet to handle the prep for the colonoscopy and he's always telling me to "go get the test" blah blah blah...He's totally expecting for me to get the test and that I'll get some 'miracle drug' that will make me better. Like getting it done will end it all.....he just doesn't get it.

Sorry for the rant.....I have no where else to turn.

 

[stylinmama]

Ugh....and I've just now realised I posted this in under the wrong discussion place...should be in the ' Support Forum' ..... sorry

 

[Gue33]

I am new to this posting thing, so the fact that you posted it here, doesn't make any difference. I read it. OH MY GOD, I so feel for you and your situation. You are NOT alone when it comes to having a husband who doesn't realize that you are in pain. That this will not go away. You DID NOT bring this on yourself. You are not faking the pain!!! He will probably never get it, until he has to live through what you do. The colonoscopy will confirm what you already know. If I can be of any help to alleviate the pain of the flare up you are experiencing, I would love to try.

 

[brenda1]

I know how you feel, my husband is a wonderful careing sensitive man but sometimes he even looks at me like he thinks I'm over exagerating the pain or he gets tired of hearing about what hurts today or why I could'nt get anything done. He will never ever say anything but I can see it in his face and it still hurts. I try to think about how I would feel if roles were reversed and I always end up thinking I would be way way less patient than he has with me. I hope you two can get past this.

 

[stylinmama]

I hope we can get past it too. I'm thinking maybe he just needs to be better informed about it or something. I'm new to the forum and have learned so much in the last few days my head is spinning. Even I need time to put all the information in order. I'm thinking about asking him to read through some of the posts on here about the disease it self and about the pain and fatigue. Maybe he'll realise I'm not making it up and it will always be a part of me.

 

[Regular Joe]

My sweetheart was married to a man who ended their marriage because he bluntly told her he could not live with someone who has a chronic disease.

In a way, I understand why he felt that way. She was upset as hell, but she couldn't fault him for his honesty.

A spouse or sig other usually doesn't "sign on" for marriage or commitment when a person is as sick as we get with Crohn's. Some people never could have imagined this could or would happen. Some people don't have the mental capacity to cope with a chronic illness. People in general are not always tolerant or understanding toward Crohn's Disease.

I don't say it's right or wrong to feel that way. I loved my girlfriend enough to understand that one day I might be pushing her in a wheelchair. But that is me. It's the man I've become. I was that way BEFORE I knew I had Crohn's Disease.

But in becoming the loving and "God-fearing" man that I am did not happen overnight. I made some terrible decisions and hurt people that loved me dearly. I paid a heavy price to become who I am today. 20 years ago, when I was in my late 20's, I could have easily been like stylin's husband.

I'm so sorry you're facing hurt like this stylinmama. It isn't a pleasant thing, and I know it's heartbreaking. I know what heartbreak feels like, and what you're going through. What makes it sadder for me is that I also know how it feels to be the heartbreaker. One day I hope your husband does "get it" before he turns away from you. I know how much he will regret it.

I wish you the best, and I hope he changes...even if it's only a little bit at a time.

 

[Keona]

good idea!

 

[Mountaingem]

Before I met my husband I was carrying on a flirtation with a guy who had a brain tumor-not cancer but damaging the part that controls memory and personality. We got to talking one night and he asked if I thought I could handle it, and I was honest and said no.

Well, he thanked me for being honest and basically said it was fine, and we were still in the "just getting to know each other" phase. Nothing physical, not even a date yet, but I felt awful just the same, like I was a total b****.

And not long after I was diagnosed with Crohn's....long story short the lesson I learned was that drastic changes in health strike anybody at any time, and one day it's your turn. And what goes around comes around.

 

[DustyKat]

What a distressing and difficult time for you. As others have already mentioned some people cannot cope with caring for some one with an illness and chronic illness and pain is one of the most debilitating things in a person can suffer in their life.

I don't know if you have heard of Elisabeth Kubler Ross and the five stages of grief. It is most commonly applied to death and dying but is just as applicable to those with a chronic illness. The stages are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

These don't only apply to the person suffering the illness but also their loved ones. Some people move neatly through the stages but many don't. Some go back and forth and some get stuck on one stage and never move on. Early on in a diagnosis, naturally denial and anger are very common and perhaps your husband is at this place. In denial, wishing this wasn't happening and things would go back to "normal". Angry that this is happening to him and then ****** with himself for feeling that way because you are suffering. Then there is being just plain scared about today, tomorrow, the future, everything.

You have good ideas and that is a good place to start. I hope you can both work through this together and I wish you the very best.

((((((Hugs)))))) Dusty.

 

[ChefShazzy]

I'm so sorry, stylinmama! Sometimes being sick will bring people closer together, or it could drive them apart.

You are not crazy or a lunatic! (although it seems pred can bring us awfully close...)

I hope things are able to work out between you and your husband, might it be a good idea to look into some counselling? I think you have a great idea with informing him and educating him more about the disease... I hope you guys can come out of this with a stronger relationship. Great big hugs to you!!!!

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hi Stylinmama, I know exactly where you are coming from. I had two relationships in the past, they were so into themselves and I had to do it all. Thank god I never married them. Some people are not cut out for someone being constantly ill. It really takes alot of stamina and patience, alot of which I dont have. I often wonder if I was healthy and had someone very ill when I was young, would I hang around? Knowing what I know now and the supportive husband who loves me more than life itself, I would be there for him. He is so different from the others, one in a billion.

Not to say anyone is mean or rotten for leaving someone when they are sick, sometimes they dont have the strength to.

I dont think it is because some of the spouses dont love them it is stressful and they feel helpless. I feel for you, and it hurts to think your partner is going to leave if you dont get better. Look what happened to Mountaingem ^^ could happen to anyone! Hang in there ok.

 

[stylinmama]

Thank you everyone for the support and suggestions. I think we'll just have to sit down and have a serious discusion about whether or not he can handle it. If he can't I'll just have to deal with that, but hopefully he can.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Sometimes writing it down on paper how you feel goes a long way and a heartfelt letter is better for them to absorb. Good luck, it will all turn out ok, always does, hang in there!

 

[Manzyb]

I am sorry that this is going on with you. You are not alone! I think that many of us have been through the same thing at one time or another. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and diagnosed (not married until 21! lol). Sometimes it seems like he gets it and others it seems like he just thinks I can do everything and anything. It can be really frustrating trying to get through to him. My husband is amazing and is always right there with me when I'm really bad and really need help.

I was thinking... maybe you could take your husband with you to a doctor's appointment so maybe he can ask questions and/or have it explained to him whats going on. I did that and it really seemed to help.

Another thing is maybe counseling? A counselor may be able to help you be able to explain it and help try to make him understand how you are feeling about things (disease-wise).

I really hope everything works out for you guys! Keep us posted.

Amanda

 

[Jerman]

Hiya Stylinmama, so sorry that you are going through marital challenges as well as not feeling well. Now I do not normally make huge generalizations like this but ----We have to begin with the premise that the fairer sex is also most assuredly the smarter sex. there are times when us men need training-i.e a kick in the ass by a friend, counseling to even understand what they are feeling let along why they are feeling it. You may want to write your hubby a note explaining what is going on with you physically, emotionally and even cognitively because the pain or the meds you take could easily create a "crohns fog". Having a note in his hand and not being under pressure right away to answer face to face will give him some time to process what he feels and what he needs to do to address it.You have to be sure that this is not the note to tell him you are angry because he has not been supportive,this is a neutrally toned note that just explains symptoms, feelings and asks for help.

He may just be flat out pissed that the woman he married is in pain and he cannot stop it from affecting you. I can identify with that part and have had my off moments and a few statements I wish I could take back. "You are always sick." This was assuredly not my proudest moment but there are degrees of slip-ups ranging from spouting off to verbal abuse and with all that level of frustration from both partners it just makes solid, calm communication paramount. In other words it is ok to make the statement that I did if we are sitting having a calm honest discussion and talking about how tough things are, and where to go from there.How to SUPPORT EACH OTHER. It is another thing entirely to be yelled at repeatedly or put down someone for whatever reason.

Perhaps he could go with you to both a medical and a counseling appointment to learn more about what you are going through. A lot of us men are knuckleheads about going to therapy because then we are forced to look at and talk about our less than shiny side of the behavioral spectrum.

If he doesnt do well with subtleties, you could always put together a picket sign - "I have enough of a pain in my ass, do not add to it!"

I hope things settle down for you and that you are feeling well all around, hope things work out with hubby well before the picket sign is used as a club. Hang in stylinmama and best wishes for all to turn around this forum is a wonderful place to find support, unload, or just rant like hell.

I have been fortunate enough to make some wonderful friends on here that have supported me and made me smile more than i thought possible even in dark times.

 

[Vivvian's Mommy]

I meet my husband through his Aunt Ang. His family runs an Adult Foster Care.So he use to read anatomy books a lot.Almost all are nurses in one way or another.But anyways to get to the point...We dated online and through the phone the first 3 months of dating before we meet in person.I explained to him I have Crohn's Disease and UC with an Ostomy.Well he was in the ARMY at the time.He came home for a week before he deployed to Iraq.The second day he was home I talked to him more about my ostomy then asked if he wanted to see it.He said sure and I don't know how many know when Dwayne Johnson was THE ROCK but when he did the eyebrow thing thats what my hubby did and said OK THATS DIFFERENT,WAS NOT EXCEPTING THAT!But anyways he asked me to marry him 2 days after.Then almost a year later when he was home on R&R my mom taught him how to help change it if I was in pain.He thought it was a hole in my stomach not an actually piece of intestine.We got married a week later.While he was in Iraq a SGT. told him he thought it was disgusting my hubby was marrying me knowing I had an ostomy bag.They also said if I was not in WA. for his homecoming that he needed to get a divorce.He still has stuck with me through thick and thin and we have been married over 2 years now.There are some days I still think he questions it once in awhile.Especially now that we have a daughter and I have weight limit and he has to help out more.But it didn't make anything easy being in the ARMY.He have to rush me to the hosiptal when I was sick and still go to work while I sat in the ER.But he is out now so it works out.Same with I have gained alot of weight since we got married.I was on steriods for our 1st year of marriage and went from 98lbs.-150lbs. and now I am 181lbs.He sometimes doesn't get that I can't eat all he does and he comes from a big family who eat alot.

 

[ameslouise]

We take our vows and say "In sickness and in health..." but deep down we don't really think it will come to that, especially when we are young and in the prime of our lives.

Chronic illness is always worse for the family than it is for the patient. Some people can handle it; others can't. It doesn't make them less of a person than those that can.

But you need to have support and understanding. If your husband can't give you that, then you at least deserve someone that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like you are crazy.

Maybe you can get some counseling together and work it out. I wish you the best - good luck.

- Amy

 

[HeatherMN]

See, you're not alone, it's quite common! We've been through this too, it's been 9 years since my CD diagnosis and sometimes he still acts like it's all in my head. Although the amount of time I spend in the bathroom seems to be proportinate to the amount of understanding/sympathy I get from him. I remind him we vowed "in sickness and in health" and that I will be there to support him if, God forbid, anything should happen with his health.
My fibromyalgia diagnosis he still hasn't wrapped his head around--that one he thinks is really bogus.

 

[Jerman]

See, you're not alone, it's quite common! We've been through this too, it's been 9 years since my CD diagnosis and sometimes he still acts like it's all in my head. Although the amount of time I spend in the bathroom seems to be proportinate to the amount of understanding/sympathy I get from him. I remind him we vowed "in sickness and in health" and that I will be there to support him if, God forbid, anything should happen with his health.
My fibromyalgia diagnosis he still hasn't wrapped his head around--that one he thinks is really bogus.

HeatherMN, I would be curious to know what type of treatments you have had for your fibro, my wife has it and has tried a variety of medicines and treatments. Thanks.:ysmile:

 

[chelli]

Honestly he is a wonderful man and person when I'm not sick, and I love him to pieces, but if he doesn't believe me, then I can only imagine what he thinks when I tell him I'm not feeling well. Does he think I'm just an attention grabbing lunatic????? The pred of course is no help....makes me super nuts!

It just makes me feel even more alone. Like if my own husband seems like he doesn't believe me or is annoyed with me..... what does everyone else in my life think of me??

He's never said that he thinks I'm faking...but the way he sometimes talks to me when I'm sick or when he has to drive me to tim buk too for tests and ER visits and he just seems annoyed and won't even talk to me really it sure makes me wonder what's going on in his mind.

For what it's worth, his reaction to your being sick says more about the man than it does about you.

About 3 months ago, My husband walked out on me 2 days after I got out of the hospital for anemia. They had to give me 2 transfusions. I honestly believed that he was a wonderful man except for this one thing. He just didn't understand about my being sick. Well, come to find out that while I was in the hospital, he was in a hotel with another woman.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting that this is what your husband is doing. This is my story.

I have come to know that I am a strong woman and I will not let my health, or lack there of, win. I have made it into remission with my crohn's, I survived a heart attack, and I have made it through my hysterectomy, on my own.

As women, we have a strenghth that is matched by no other. No matter how your story turns out, with him or without him, you will be fine and you will prevail over whatever God puts in your path.

Take care and good luck.

 

[HeatherMN]

HeatherMN, I would be curious to know what type of treatments you have had for your fibro, my wife has it and has tried a variety of medicines and treatments. Thanks.:ysmile:

Jerman: I get massages regularly, the therapist I see has many patients with fibro and understands how to treat us. I also get trigger point injections in my tender spots on my neck, shoulders and upper back. My rheumatologist does those, it's a combo of lidocaine and kenalog. They work quite well, I usually have a headache when I come in to see her and after the shots I don't! I also take tramadol for pain during the day and at night I take 2 flexeril and a .25 mg xanax so I can sleep. For the most part, I manage OK with it, but there are some days I feel as though I have been beaten with a club...

 

[crohnsmomma]

I understand how overwhelmed you must feel. I have had a hard time with relationships since my spinal cord inury and recently ended one, in part because of him not understanding my limitations (and him just getting to be a real pain my rear!) I did learn that noone really ever will understand what people with a chronic medical condition go go through- unless maybe they have one as well. What they can do is support us, listen to us, try to understand and help us - as we would do for them. People will be able to do these things to different degrees. And as others put it so well everyone expresses themselves different and men can often seem angry when really they are frustrated, scared or worried. Personally I have found men do tend to get mad when they can't "fix" things for us - even when we dont expect them to.
I hope that you are able to work things out and I am so glad they you are talking about it. Having a support system outside of the marriage is great.
It really is the worst when you feel like someone doesnt believe the pain you are in- I know for me I dont tell people about half the pain I have, so when I say im in pain I am meaning severe pain- so then if they give me a look or act like I am exaggerating I want to throttle them.
Best of luck working through things. My son says he wants to invent something to give the Dr's "crohns for a day" so they will understand what he is going through. I'll let you know if he succeeds- i'm sure we all know someone who we might use it on.

 

[Slugger]

Crohn's and divorce

I think the idea of taking your spouse to meet with the doctor is a great idea. The sooner the better and I also recommend marital counseling.

I met my ex the same year I was diagnosed and less than 6 months after I had a right hemicolectomy. We dated for five years before we got married and I took it for granted she knew what she was getting in to.

But that changed when my disease flared up after 15 years in remission. For a while I hid my declining health and put on a good face so she wouldn't worry but eventually that was impossible. She was furious that my disease was impacting her life. My Crohn's was just too much for her to handle.

To make a long story short, we've been divorced now for five years. Instead of moving on, she's just become more angry as my Crohn's has become worse. She's convinced it's my fault and that I should "man up" and do a better job of providing.

While I don't think my marriage would have been saved if my ex and I had conferred with my doctors, I think that it would have flushed out her issues sooner.