How To Cope With a Sick Child. Grief

[DustyKat]

ACKNOWLEDGING GRIEF

All chronic illness and disability represents a loss. For parents dealing with a major diagnosis in their child there is the loss of hopes and dreams. We all know of people with disabilities who have great achievements and highly accomplished and successful lives and their stories inspire us. We also know that not every child will grow up to be Stevie Wonder or Stephen Hawking or Helen Keller. A loving parent will do all they can to help their child make their way in life in spite of the unforeseen difficulties, but first there is grief. Often the grief can be paralyzing, especially in the beginning when knowledge is limited and the future feels uncertain and frightening. When problems develop as medical emergencies, parents can be called upon to make significant decisions when they feel at their most helpless and uncertain. This fear and paralysis is normal. Some health conditions (cancer for example) can cause recurring crises so that parents who feel they have already grieved may feel surprised when are they are thrust into it again.

Infant:

A parent’s grief can have a different impact depending on the age of the child. When an infant is born with health problems there is often enormous shock and disbelief. “Why me?” is a normal and common reaction. Birth defects or medical problems are rare but they do still occur. Parents will grieve over the loss of the events they expected with an unremarkable birth. Often the family cannot take the baby home from the hospital as planned, so the happy scenarios that were anticipated before the birth are part of what the parents grieve. Mothers will worry that the baby will not feel bonded and connected to them if they are not available around the clock although there is really no indication that babies who do not come home immediately suffer in their long- term relationships.

2-6 years:

With children in the age range of two to about six, parents experience the added stress of the child’s anxiety, confusion and inability to understand what is happening. This can heighten the sense of grief for a parent, especially if their child is in pain or danger, and the child does not have the intellectual development to understand the purpose of difficult medical procedures that might occur. No parent wants to see their child in pain and children with medical problems may require surgeries, injections and other treatments that cause pain, and which the parent cannot avoid.

6-12 years:

Children from approximately 6 to 12 will have more understanding of what is happening. At this stage the parents’ grief may focus on the normal childhood experiences that their child missing. Parents will be anxious about absences from school for medical procedures or illness. The time demands of the child’s problems may have an impact on the parents’ work and career so there may be grief for missed opportunities. As children mature they may be better able to cope with their handicaps. If a child was born with a problem or developed it young they may have a greater comfort and acceptance of limitations than the parent who hoped for something different. This can lead to a further burden of guilt for the parent who is still grieving a loss that their child has come to accept.

Adolescence/Young Adult:

Adolescence and young adulthood bring new challenges and, potentially, a different form of grief. For children who have been dealing with a chronic disability or illness for many years adolescence brings a time when they chafe at parental control or medical protocols and may become less cooperative or compliant with medical treatment or limitations. Adolescence is a time of risk taking and children with disabilities may take risks that could have a much higher possibility of complications. As their children become more independent, parents may see their careful plans and systems to care for or protect their child become disrupted. If problems occur, the parents grief is re-ignited.

Children who have been healthy up to adolescence face a higher risk of accidents or substance abuse in the late teens or early twenties. Parents who go through this with a child suffer greatly. Frustration and anger may be on the surface as a parent sees a child behave in self-destructive ways but underneath that is our old friend grief, that terrible sense of loss that the child may not have the happy successful life we envisioned for them.

Grief is manifested in many ways and can appear in many stages. For a parent to cope, it is important to be aware of and acknowledge that sense of grief. People may avoid expressing or experiencing that grief out of the fear that it will be overwhelming. In fact it is more destructive when it is hidden and remains unacknowledged.

Full article: http://robingoldstein.net/articles/parenting-how-to-cope-with-a-sick-child/

Dusty.

 

[DustyKat]

it is also here that I wanted to raise the point that as a parent and caregiver we need to look after ourselves and our relationships.

It is hard not to become so consumed by your child's health that we neglect our own health and the relationships of the members in our families can also suffer.

It goes without saying that when your child is acutely ill you must channel your energies into your child but when the dust does settle it can be difficult to return to to a normal state of affairs because lets face it...our lives really are never 'normal' again are they? Well not in the sense that we once knew.

It can be difficult to foster relationships when you are both physically and psychologically exhausted and it is hard work trying to maintain the status quo. I know for myself it is something that I have to consciously remind myself of. At times the significant other in your life may not always get it, particularly if most of the caregiving for the child falls to you. It is not the fault of any one person, it is just the way it is.

As hard as it can be to find time in our hectic lives I have found what has helped me over the years is to pencil in time for myself and for each family member as individuals. I go with just my partner, Sarah and I spend a day together, Matt, well that is a different kettle of fish, for him it just might be knowing that he will be left alone for the day! :lol:

I guess what I am saying is be kind yourselves and if it is at all possible shed the guilt for a few hours. Easier said than done I know but it is well worth it in the long run, not only for yourself but for everyone.

Just my musings.

Dusty. xxx

 

[my little penguin]

Very good article

 

[Farmwife]

2-6 years:

With children in the age range of two to about six, parents experience the added stress of the child’s anxiety, confusion and inability to understand what is happening. This can heighten the sense of grief for a parent, especially if their child is in pain or danger, and the child does not have the intellectual development to understand the purpose of difficult medical procedures that might occur. No parent wants to see their child in pain and children with medical problems may require surgeries, injections and other treatments that cause pain, and which the parent cannot avoid.

^^^^^Ya that!

Boy oh boy, does that hit the nail on the head.

Thanks Dusty and very well said.:ghug:

 

[Niks]

it is also here that I wanted to raise the point that as a parent and caregiver we need to look after ourselves and our relationships.

It is hard not to become so consumed by your child's health that we neglect our own health and the relationships of the members in our families can also suffer.

It goes without saying that when your child is acutely ill you must channel your energies into your child but when the dust does settle it can be difficult to return to to a normal state of affairs because lets face it...our lives really are never 'normal' again are they? Well not in the sense that we once knew.

It can be difficult to foster relationships when you are both physically and psychologically exhausted and it is hard work trying to maintain the status quo. I know for myself it is something that I have to consciously remind myself of. At times the significant other in your life may not always get it, particularly if most of the caregiving for the child falls to you. It is not the fault of any one person, it is just the way it is.

As hard as it can be to find time in our hectic lives I have found what has helped me over the years is to pencil in time for myself and for each family member as individuals. I go with just my partner, Sarah and I spend a day together, Matt, well that is a different kettle of fish, for him it just might be knowing that he will be left alone for the day! :lol:

I guess what I am saying is be kind yourselves and if it is at all possible shed the guilt for a few hours. Easier said than done I know but it is well worth it in the long run, not only for yourself but for everyone.

Just my musings.

Dusty. xxx

Certainly get all of this! It is so hard to get time for ourselves and hard not to feel guilty about it!

Such a good article xx

 

[Dexky]

Since EJ started this in the 6-12 and has moved to the adolescent phase of this, we are certainly seeing some of that push back. Used to be I could say "EJ take your meds" and he'd just accept it and do it right then. Now, it's "I will!!!, I always do!!".

 

[my little penguin]

^^^ yeah that
The ped warned us and DS ( he is still 9) that he can rebel in other areas but not this one.

 

[Livilou]

Thanks Dusty...great read! Kim

 

[Niks]

And refusing to go to hospital when really need to. Discharging themselves. Refusing meds! Is all so worrying. I don't think as a parent you ever stop worrying! :eek2:

 

[jaems]

Dusty,

Thank you for sharing this! I have recently realized that I'm no good for my daughter or my family unless I care for myself first. I've always been into weight lifting and the second my daughter I got sick (2 1/2 months ago), I dropped everything. As I'm dealing with her, I'm wasn't feeling well about myself. So, just this week I started a running program. I feel 100% better already!!

Thanks again for sharing!

 

[DustyKat]

Sarah certainly rebelled and that is what I am referring to when I say she went a tad off the rails in her last year of school. Thankfully the derailed train found its way back onto the tracks.

Matt is a different kettle of fish. I know you should never say never but I honestly and truly don't believe that rebellion is in his makeup. He is so straight you could rule a line with him! :lol:

Dusty. xxx

 

[Amy2]

I dropped 12 lbs when my son was in the hospital, but I soon realized I needed to do better than that, if I was going to be there for my son!

I began to consciously eat better/more often and do something enjoyable everyday.
This boosted my mood, which gave me more energy to care for my son.

 

[CarolinAlaska]

I gained like 10-20 lbs - I think the stress turned me to food for comfort! I can't seem to find a way out of that rut...

 

[Amy2]

The best dieting technique I ever found was to push out the bad foods with good foods.
Do you want a cheeseburger for dinner? Okay, but first you have to eat this HUGE salad with a zero fat, vinegar-based salad dressing...

If the salad is big enough, you won't want that cheeseburger. I consciously "spoil" my appetite everyday. I'm not overweight at all, but I do make a point to fill up on healthy foods.

 

[crohnsinct]

Sarah certainly rebelled and that is what I am referring to when I say she went a tad off the rails in her last year of school. Thankfully the derailed train found its way back onto the tracks.

Matt is a different kettle of fish. I know you should never say never but I honestly and truly don't believe that rebellion is in his makeup. He is so straight you could rule a line with him! :lol:

Dusty. xxx

He takes after his dad?

 

[my little penguin]

:ylol::ylol::ylol::ylol:

When things are real bad - i dont eat much-
kinda bad - I eat junk-
i havent lost weight recently so.......

 

[Jmrogers4]

I think I've been making up for Jack not eating the past 3 years, gained 50lbs in the last 3 years. I did just join a gym so we'll see.

 

[DustyKat]

He takes after his dad?

No way! :nonono:

All the good comes from me and all the bad from Dad! Don't all families follow this rule? :ylol:

Dusty. xxx

 

[Ands]

I concentrate on kids and kind of ignore my health issues. However, making steps to do better, otherwise realise that I'll be no help to anyone! Been told ds number 2 has 1 in 3 chance of developing T1 diabetes in next 5 years as well! Think as all issues seem to stem from me I like to pretend I'm ok! Xxxx