I'm a bit freaked out

[Cat-a-Tonic]

For those who remember a thread of mine from months ago, I had two co-workers who got diagnosed cancer within a few weeks of each other. One co-worker had surgery which removed all of the cancer, so he came back to work relatively quickly and is fine now. My other co-worker has had a much rougher road. Stage 3 throat cancer plus something wrong with his teeth. He had to have chemo, radiation, a feeding tube, surgery, everything. Fortunately, that combo worked and he is now cancer-free.

I hadn't seen him since August when he got diagnosed. I didn't really expect him to look much different. After all, that actor Michael Douglas just had the same type of cancer (except his was stage 4) and he went through many of the same treatments and still looks exactly the same.

So, my co-worker stopped by for a visit today on his way to some appointments, and I am just freaked out by how much the cancer changed him. He has no teeth, his face looks really different, like puffy and sunken eyes (presumably from the chemo?), and his voice has dramatically changed and is kind of a high-pitched whisper now. I felt so weird talking to him, it was like talking to a stranger because he looks and sounds so different. I am not the most socially outgoing person and I tend to clam up around people I don't know, and even though I've known this guy for years, I found myself clamming up a bit because his appearance was so alien and it was like talking to a stranger.

I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around how cancer has drastically changed his appearance - I mean, I'm sick all the time, but I look the same (maybe a bit more pale when I'm flaring or a few more pounds on me when I'm on steroids, but generally I look the same). It's just freaking me out and I had to get it out and tell somebody. It's like, if this disease I've got can make me feel so bad but I can still keep my outward appearance mostly the same, then I can't imagine being so ill that it would make a person's appearance change like that. It's hard to wrap my head around, you know? Sorry for making this so long, I just had to get this off my chest. If you read all this, thanks for reading.

 

[effdee]

Severity of a given illness isn't necessarily an indicator of how one's physical appearance might change. You really have to look at it on a case by case basis. Some diseases show no external signs, some show a lot of external signs, and anywhere in between. He's still the same guy. He just has another (presumably) cool story to tell now. I'm sure it would please him to get back to normalcy in any and every aspect, so just do your best to be the same around him. There was a quote I heard a while back, that I don't remember for certain, along the lines of "the more you look with your eyes the less you see." I feel like that helped me put things into a bit better of a perspective. Hope this helps!

 

[Grumbletum]

Maybe it's early days Cat? I remember seeing pics of MichaelDouglas when he was having treatment and he looked shockingly frail but looks a lot better nowadays.

 

[happy]

Cat,
He may have had parts of his jawbone removed-even some of his tongue. His vocal cords may have been damaged from the surgery or the radiation. He may have had parts of his jawbone replaced with donor bone, his own bone or a prosthesis. He may have had a temporary tracheostomy as well. and he may still be facing further reconstructive surgery. I know that he could be hard to look at right now, but just imagine how he feels. He has been through his own personal war and now he has to deal with everyone else's discomfort about him looking and sounding different when all he wants is to find a new normal.
Imagine what it would be like if we (people with IBD) had to go around with our abnormal bodily functions displayed to the outside world all the time. ( I know some of us already feel like this happens when we have accidents, ostomy leaks, feeding tubes, etc.) It might freak people out if our bloody stool was on display for our coworkers to see!
What he probably needs is someone to say, " Hey, I hear that you have been through the wringer. It's great to have you back. If you're having any trouble getting used to any of the changes here at work while you were away, I'd be happy to help you with them." This would take the focus off him and onto the work, and he would know that you are a friend that he could rely on and not get freaked out by the 'new' him.
Oh, and good for you for being so honest about how this has affected you. Many people would just avoid him because he makes them feel uncomfortable. By acknowledging how you feel, and thinking about how you want him to feel around you, you can figure out how to behave. Good luck!

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Thanks all for the advice. I know he's the same guy even though he looks & sounds different, that's why I feel so bad that I find myself freaked out about his appearance. I've known the guy for years and to see such a drastic change in him, it really shocked me. It's been a few days now and I think my mind is adjusting to the idea that this is his new normal. (He's not back at work yet, by the way, he just came in for a visit the other day on his way to a doctor appointment. Apparently his docs haven't cleared him to come back to work at least until he gets the feeding tube out and can swallow & eat again on his own.)

It was just kind of weird, like seeing both sides of the coin. On one hand I'm ill but you'd never know it just by looking at me. And on the other hand, my co-worker is ill too and you would know it by looking at him - I just have to keep saying to myself, his sickly face & voice are what my intestines look like. It's not different at all, it's just a different manifestation of illness. I'm getting used to it. Still a little freaked out, but not as much as I was the other day. Thanks all for talking some sense into me.

 

[MADiMarc]

Cat,
Don't be too hard on yourself. Your post shows you freaked, sure but it also says to me you really care. You posted to a safe place, where you are comfortable, where you won't clam up for practice! You will get used to it when he comes back to work. He may improve before then too. But whatever his condition, you'll deal with it fine, I'm sure.
Michele

 

[dreamintwilight]

Cat - I agree with MADiMarc. It's obvious you have real empathy for this guy and what he has and is still going through.

I can understand your reaction though. I had a professor in college go through cancer and his outward appearance changed drastically overnight, it seemed. He was losing his hair and walked slower and hunched over. Just very sickly looking. I think I remember people saying his prognosis wasn't good. That was almost 4 years ago and now he's in an administration position at my college and doing very well!

I also had a teacher I knew from high school, who I stayed in touch with over the years come to my wedding. She had RSVPed for two and when I saw her sitting with her husband during the reception I thought to myself, I wonder who that older man sitting with her is. Turns out it was her husband who was battling aggressive cancer. I felt like an idiot for even thinking those things (never actually saying them, thank goodness!), but he was as frail and sickly as I'd ever seen before. I didn't even recognize him at all! He too has reached remission and is getting back to the way he looked before starting chemo and such.

I don't now if you know the guy well enough, but if your working relationship was close enough, once he comes back to work I would say some of the things that happy suggested. I think if I were put into a situation like that it would make me feel more awkward if I had a bunch of people tip-toeing around what I was going through and pretending like everything was same as usual. I think you know what that's like. Sure, we don't always look like we're sick, but people can tell when we really aren't feeling well or we're in the hospital. When people share their empathy with us it makes us feel not so alone. But again, people deal with things differently too. So, maybe he's the kind of person who needs time before talking about things. It'll be a judgment call, but as long as you follow that caring heart of yours I think it will be okay.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Thanks, Marisa. I think I will say some of the things that Happy suggested (that I know he's been through the wringer but I'm glad he made it through and is coming back to work). However, I don't know how much my co-worker really wants to talk about his illness - when he came to visit the other day, I was about to ask how he's feeling but he immediately started inquiring about my health and how I've been feeling. He seemed upset when I said I'm still undiagnosed and then we didn't really talk about health stuff anymore.

So I'm going to have to be careful asking about his health, to make sure he's comfortable with talking about it. I don't want to seem like I'm telling him "I told you so" because I'm definitely NOT, but just to add context to the situation - this is a person who, up until his cancer diagnosis, drank and smoked heavily and bragged frequently about how he hadn't been to a doctor in 30 years. I don't think he was doing it to be rude, I just think he genuinely didn't think his health was in any trouble and that he was fine without doctors, and now that he realizes he's not invulnerable, he's a bit less willing to talk about his health issues, you know? So I don't want to push the issue. I think, when he comes back to work, I'll only talk about his health if he brings up the subject. Otherwise I'll just be more vague and say we're happy to have him back and stuff like that.

 

[MADiMarc]

I think that's a good plan. I don't like to talk about my health issues at work either & having someone pick up on that is always a relief.
Michele