I'm NOT Interested! Sexual Relations :P

[Jennifer]

For the past 6 months of so, I've lost A LOT of my sexual desire. I thought it was supposed to increase with my age (28) but it seems to be going south. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 9 months now and like most relationships in the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. But now we either have sex or I give up a BJ once every 2 weeks or so.

Mind you, he's TOTALLY interested and ALWAYS makes advances. But honestly, his advances annoy the hell out of me. He'll hug me (trap me basically), try to caress me and kiss me and pokes me with his poker. I don't like that AT ALL. I've told him many times that I don't like it when he does that and that it only turns me off (not that I was turned on to begin with). So I tell him, "I'm not interested sweetie," and he'll let me loose.

I don't know how this began. If anything he's lost weight since we started dating so weight was never an issue for me. I don't think its him really cause I'm hardly interested when he's not around either. I used to be interested on a daily or multiple times of the day basis ever since I hit puberty but now, I hardly ever think about it and when I do think about it, it feels like a chore. But when I'm am having sex, I enjoy it. Its getting me to the point of being interested in the first place that's the hard part.

He thinks that I don't find him attractive anymore but nothing I say convinces him otherwise. He has issues with cumming during intercourse (unless its been many days since he's done it, then he cums super early) but comes easily and in a timely manner for a BJ which makes me think that there's something wrong with me but he assures me that that's not the case yet has no idea why. Either there's more sensation or its a mental block (I'm his first).

So since sex with him took over 45 min each time, I started to need a break for a day. He also has health issues which means he can't do certain positions or can't do most positions for very long. Anything that hurts his back, hips, knees, feet, shoulders, basically every part I need to work to do the positions I want to do. I don't like riding up top all the time and doing all the work. I wanna lay flat on my back and not do anything too sometimes.

On top of that, when we do actually do something, I don't get off myself cause every time he tries, I have to teach him how (where the spot is) all over again and its frustrating! So half the time I don't even want him to bother with it.

I'll be talking about this with my therapist next week but I was wondering if any of you went through a similar issue. I've already told him everything I've written above and even gave him suggestions on what might work for me yet he hasn't bothered to try it. We even have toys that we used to use but we haven't messed with those in over a year. Dunno why. I guess when you both get sick or injured often, you kind of get used to not having sex but when you're fine, shouldn't you want to again?

 

[Rebecca85]

I went through (am still going through?) something very similar. Like you said, once we're started I enjoy it, but the thought of all the effort (we also prefer me on top), a lot of time I just feel that I can't be bothered.

For me, it would make a difference if my boyfriend hugged me or whatever without expecting it to lead to anything. I enjoy going out on 'dates' and spending time doing something other than watching TV together. And I do find I'm more inclined to do stuff after. But I guess you do things like that anyway, with only being with each other such a short time (I mean in comparison, me and my boyfriend have been together 8 1/2 years).

I have a sneaking suspicion I may be depressed, which won't help matters. Maybe you are too? I am also feeling very unattractive due to my body shape changing since being diagnosed with this damn disease, and I'm sure that contributes to my lack of desire. Or maybe we're both just stuck in a rut, and need to 'suck it up' as it were, and the desire will follow? Kind of like when people don't eat for a long time the hunger switches off, but when you eat again you get your appetite back?

Whatever it is, I hope you and your boyfriend get things sorted soon!

 

[Jennifer]

For me right now, sex feels like exercising and if you don't have the motivation, then you don't do it at all or its half assed. I'm pretty sure that depression is an issue as well but I don't know how to overcome that either.

Sure I could just force myself to do it and hope that I get into it but that requires using lube (which I don't need if I'm interested) and it just doesn't feel right to force it when the juices aren't even flowing you know? It feels, wrong.

 

[Rebecca85]

Ahh I see, for me if I can 'force' myself to do a little foreplay then I do get into it, and the juices flow. Or I ask my boyfriend for a backrub or something, that can make me more receptive to the idea of foreplay.

What sort of therapist are you seeing? Could they help you with depression, or refer you to someone who can?

 

[Jennifer]

They are helping me with my anxiety but they also deal with married couples so I'm sure this issue is right up her alley.

 

[My Butt Hurts]

One position that is pretty lazy for both of us is me on my back and him on his side, with my leg over his body. We are kind of shaped like a lowercase letter y. We can't kiss that way, so it's more just about getting off, but no one has to hold themselves up, and it leaves hands free for other things.

I find that I am always too tired to do it, but remind myself that I never regret it once we start. I have actually said "Will you remind me that I like this?"
I also find that if I try flirting with him throughout the night like we are in a new relationship instead of a totally stalke old one, haha - it helps with libido too.
Are you getting enough clitoral stumilation? I won't get off unless I do.

 

[Jennifer]

I never get clitoral stimulation while having sex and have never had a g-spot orgasm before. If I'm in the mood then I'll have him use his hand to get me off clitorally before we actually have sex.

I know the position you speak of but with his weight, it's not possible. I guess his weight is some what of an issue in this department but I've never mentioned it to him. I'm sure he already knows. You can't force someone to work out and I don't like making people feel bad.

 

[rygon]

I think with weight issues, you can only really try and help by doing active hobbies with him (with IBD I guess thats gonna be hard), fun stuff like walking, indoor rockclimbing (never too far a way from a toilet) or badminton etc.

What about stimulating your clit whilst having sex. You or your bf could do it, or get a vibrator to do it? Maybe if you cum 1st he will soon do the same?

 

[Nyx]

I was going to mention the same thing that rygon just mentioned about giving yourself clitoral stimulation while having sex (either digitally or with a toy). I think that this sounds like a deeper problem than just "not being in the mood" though. When sex is thought to be a chore, there's an underlying problem there. Do you ever feel in the mood? Is there ever a time where you don't feel like you need to do it, just to get it over with and satisfy your partner? It may be depression, or, sadly, it may be time to move on to a new relationship. I was with my ex for almost 9 years, and at the end, it was a chore...like many have said here, it was ok once we got going, but for the most part, it was work. I'd often have to fantasize about someone else (I'm sorry to admit that!) just to get the juices flowing. With my current partner, it's not an effort at all, and we've been living together for over 4 years now.

I don't know how healthy you're feeling right now (feeling like crap doesn't make one feel sexy at all), but if you're feeling good, and don't feel that the relationship is past it's due date perhaps you could try to spice things up a little...

Have a date night, and plan for sex afterwards. I know it sounds so planned and so disingenuous, but I've always found that if I have something to look forward to (ie., I'm going to take him home and seduce him in whatever manner that turns me on...lol) it certainly makes it easier to get in the mood! Even with things as small as not wearing panties out to dinner and surprising him with that in the car on the way home...can be quite exciting!

I may be way off base here, but those are my thoughts. I hope you can work it out and find joy in sex again Good luck!

 

[Rob]

I can understand how ya feelin in a sense
I think perhaps some of the medications we have to take could have a side effect of lowering out sexual drive - just another issue for us crohnies

since my flare started bout 18months ago I've totally lost any drive I had, I've been single for quite some time an it's gotten so bad I find myself not even checkin out chicks if I'm out - I mean that's pretty bad for a single guy
shoot, seriously, now I think about it I can't remember wen I was last sexually aroused ???
I have no real motorvation/ drive ATM almost like someone gave my sexual drive a shot of anestetic

I can't really offer any true ideas of what to do - as I'm pretty much screwed myself, but like mentioned above perhaps your therapist can help you work thru you problem
and as stated by sindy (oops I mean Cindy lol) an others perhaps there's other things u can try to spice things up again

 

[Jennifer]

No I will not move on from the relationship as that's not the problem. Everything is great other than I have no desire. It's as if I were on drugs that causes the lack of desire yet I am not. I don't see him as just a friend and I want to be interested, I'm just not.

I'm pretty sure the issue is general depression, lack of funds causing a rut of sorts, his limited mobility due to past injuries (which even cuts fun time together via dates and such that involve any amount of walking), and all the medical **** I've been dealing with lately (heart monitor, colonoscopy, endoscopy, blood work, dr. appointment after dr. appointment, counseling every week, and getting sick every 2 weeks with either strep or some other sickness that lasts over a week), all on top of moving a few months ago to a new place where I have no car of my own, the bus blows and even my own mother won't drive the 15 min to come hang out with me. But my lack of desire I think started around the time I sold my car and I started becoming a home body. So I guess it is depression really. Lame.

 

[Rob]

Yep bein stuck at home can really get ya down
which wouldn't help ya "desire" in anyway

can u afford a scooter? Or electric pushbike? Yea I know it's no cool ride etc but it may assist u to get out the house an maybe get to ya mums or a friends etc
I was really down in the dumps a bad way until my brother took it upon himself to get me out the house once a week
this alone really lifted my spirits an I feel more like a normal person again
it could be a good step towards feelin like ya old self again

 

[Jennifer]

Getting Social Security benefits, no, I can't afford anything. I had to sell my car cause I couldn't afford the insurance payments anymore (car needed to be smogged that year and I knew it wouldn't pass and I didn't have the cash to get it fixed so it would). I really really REALLY wish currency would be done away with world wide. Like in Star Trek.

 

[Nyx]

Have you considered going on something like Cialis? A girlfriend of mine is taking it and says her sex drive has risen dramatically. I know it's another med to take, but if it helps?

And on another note, to expand on something that Rob said...maybe just getting out with friends or family would help you immensely with the depression. I don't know where you are, if you're in the city or the country, but even just getting out once a week to a movie, or shopping, or whatever interests you might help as well. I don't think you'd even have to go with your b/f if you didn't want to. I know how stir crazy I get when I'm at home for long periods of time.

I hope you get it figured out!

 

[Kathryn]

Lube isn't cheating. Lube is helpful, always. No matter what the situation. Except too much, and there IS such a thing as too much.

One of the good things about using lube to try and have sex when your mind doesn't want to is that it allows your body a chance at some muscle memory mojo. I'm not suggesting this is what you should do if it doesn't interest you, but it has worked for me before when emotionally I didn't want to have sex but my partner wanted it.

-Kathryn

 

[Jessica]

Lube isn't cheating. Lube is helpful, always. No matter what the situation. Except too much, and there IS such a thing as too much.

Nicely put.

 

[Jennifer]

Lube isn't cheating. Lube is helpful, always. No matter what the situation. Except too much, and there IS such a thing as too much.

One of the good things about using lube to try and have sex when your mind doesn't want to is that it allows your body a chance at some muscle memory mojo. I'm not suggesting this is what you should do if it doesn't interest you, but it has worked for me before when emotionally I didn't want to have sex but my partner wanted it.

-Kathryn

I understand what you mean and I don't mean to offend you, but I told my boyfriend this before, "I'm not going to be anyone's tube sock." Meaning that some guys masturbate in socks for easy clean up.

If I'm not producing lube due to a problem with me physically, then ya, lube is fine or using flavored stuff can be fun but I'm never going to turn over and just let someone use my body cause that's what THEY want.

 

[Kathryn]

I'm not offended at all. Everyone is different and I totally get that. What I would like to share in response to your last comment about not being someone's tube sock is the following ...

I'm not his tube sock. I never have been, and I never will. But there are certainly times when I just don't want sex because of (whatever excuse that isn't crazy major) and sometimes it's worth the putting in a little effort to help him get off. Because he's helped me get off when he didn't necessarily want to. Further, if you've not been wanting to sex emotionally/mentally, sometimes physically doing it jolts the brain into "hey, I really like this!"

It may not work for you. It may not be something you're willing to do. But don't confuse my ability to sometimes give it up when I'm not in a mood for him to being nothing more than his tube sock. Because if our relationship boiled down to him only using me for his tube sock, I wouldn't be with him.

Dan Savage has this stock quote that he says, it's called "good, giving, game." It means that to "be a good partner, sometimes we have to try giving in and be ready for the game." And it doesn't hurt to try.

It sounds like you're pretty set in your views. That this is just how your relationship is going to be sexually until some magic lever is switched in your brain and it's all better again. But sexual relationships aren't like that. They need constant negotiation and renegotiation and experimentation and sometimes they need a push. Otherwise you end up with a sexless relationship and no tools to change it.

-Kathryn

 

[Jennifer]

It's not sexless nor is it boring in any way. The sex just isn't often, much like an older married couple except we'd both like it to be more often. I'm not expecting a magic lever to be switched on but you are right, I am set in my views in that if he wasn't interested for whatever reason (which has happened) I don't push for my way. If I need to get off that bad I'll do it myself and so can he. There's no guarantee that I'll suddenly become interested while he's having his way with me, especially when the thought itself gets under my skin.

Depression isn't fun and takes a while to get back to normal and I take advantage of the times where I am interested but I don't feel like forcing sex is going to help in any way. At most I force myself to give a BJ cause that's quick and easy but isn't the same as intercourse where there's more of a closeness (for me anyway).

I wasn't calling YOU personally a tube sock, just that I would feel like one. There's a difference. Think of it as you aren't interested at all for months to years yet you still have sex or let him have sex with you. For me, that isn't fulfilling in any way and would feel degrading. If it was always like that, does that make more sense?

 

[Kathryn]

I know you weren't calling me a tube sock, and I was not and am still not offended. I was using the phraseology you provided to shed light on why I wouldn't see myself as one in your position. Not that I think you called me one.

Depression totally sucks, and it's even harder when so many of the drugs have side effects that include "diminished interest" in sex I would think. I wish you lots of luck in finding your mojo.

-Kathryn

 

[Laura_123]

I never want sex... i do feel bad for my boyfriend because he gets frustrated. but we always have to use lube because i tense up...when it gets going i do really enjoy it but its getting to that part that i dont like. i cant even cuddle with him without him thinking its going somewhere which is very annoying ! like...i would love a passionate kiss without him thinking ' im getting sex'. but everytime i try to kiss him liek that he presumes it means sex! its getting very very annoying. if i say anything then he goes in a mood and says well ill let u make the first move then..x

 

[Jennifer]

That's where my boyfriend and I are at Laura. He let's me make the first move yet I still worry about wanting to be close to him without him thinking its sex time. It's best to just talk about it before like saying, "I just want to cuddle or be close." I still have to push him away sometimes and say no. I've told him before that he makes me feel guilty when he groans about it and that seemed to help him not press it so much and just wait for me to offer.

 

[Laura_123]

I always feel guilty when i say no..because he has needs....but then again so do I. would be so lovely to have a cuddle and a kiss with out him trying to feel me up xx