In law stuff

[MADiMarc]

I am posting this here because here I don't have to be the fixer or the strong one or even fair and understanding. Here I can be a witch on wheels!

My in laws are wonderful people. I love them both dearly. My husband and I have been trying to get them to move from NJ to Texas for years. Well, it is now going to happen. Not because they want to mind you, but they have to. See, my mother in law underwent and operation. Due to rehab hospital f*#+ ups, she is now basically a quadrapalegic. My father in law, who is 80, has suffered 2 major heart attacks and has the signs of dementia, cannot take care of her. My mother in law is a BIG woman. I am not. I am not a physically strong person. Taking care of a quad requires physical strength. I would never expect my husband to change a diaper for his mother. I can't physically do so. She needs 24 hour care. The in laws refuse to believe that they will not just need someone to come in "a few hours a day" to help out. She is in a good rehab now and she already has a pin size bedsore. They just don't get it! I have explained until I am blue in the face but NO ONE is listening. She needs to be weight shifted every two hour around the clock, she needs to be fed, she needs to be bathed, she needs to have some one change her diaper, to clean her up, to change out her cath, to scratch her nose and above all to keep her mind entertained as mentally she is as sharp as a tack but she has always been emotionally needy. I am 45 years old...I have health issues of my own...and I don't think I should be made to feel like I'm an horrible person because this is too much for me. I know what will happen. I'll be the one feeding her, grooming her, changing her, staying at their place (oh yeah, they will not move in with us-they want their own place) to shift her every night because my father in law sleeps 16 hours a day and sleeps like the dead.

She couldn't be bothered moving away from her girl friends before but now she wants to move down here. God help me, I want to run away to Belize!

 

[mickey]

So sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it sometimes take putting your foot down and not participating to have others acknowledge what is plain upon tables. I am wondering if you can find a facility in her home state, for which she will qualify, that can take care of her. If you speak to the facility in which she is residing and inform them of the circumstances (moving to TX to move in with sickly husband w/o full time health), make sure they either prepare her for living on her own (which we know she can not do) and do not release her until she is able to do so, or ask them to sit her down and advise her that she can not be released until they know she is getting full time care, etc. The docs and nurses have this happen quite often and should be able to assist. As well, they may be able to suggest places near you that may be suited best for her (i.e., assisted living).

The worse thing would be for them to move there, they buy/rent a place and then discover they can not handle it, and then you have to deal with their property, possessions, and moving them again, etc.,..all the while adversely affecting your and their health.

Put your foot down with your husband and inform him that if the move is going to happen, then he can be responsible for it and you will be standing by watching, but not participating. Your health has to be important to him and you and hopefully he can see that. Sounds like you may need to look into assisted living in TX and find out what they need to do to qualify for it there. Or, is it better they have that in NJ? Not sure how their Medicare may see it, or whatever program they may qualify for.

Be good to yourself and take breathers! This will be a long haul! We recently had this experience with an elderly aunt and it was daunting.

 

[MADiMarc]

Assisted living is a no go. One must be able to transfer self from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to toliet and back. What she needs is a nursing home. The line is "I'm not putting her in some nasty home" from my FIL. My husband feels she needs one...preferably in NJ where he won't have to deal with it. I kind of understand the way he feels (lots more back story). The problem is nursing homes/long term care facilities are private pay. A good one in Texas is about $6,000 a month. In NJ about $7,500 a month. I could afford maybe three days max! My in laws about 20 minutes.

It is a pisser getting old.

 

[AndiGirl]

Oh Michele! I feel speechless . . . I saw my own mother go through something very similar with my grandmother. Grandma absolutely refused to go to a nursing home, even though she had the means to. He mind stared to go, and my mom was busy and going through her own issues, so she basically had to force granny into the home. I think my grandma was okay with it eventually. I believe that she would tell my mother (if she could) that she did the right thing.

You have your own family and health issues. I believe that it is unfair to dump all of this in your lap, or on your plate. There is so much involved and at stake: emotionally, financially, medically. Oh my goodness! I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hugs and support to you sweetie!

 

[mickey]

Please speak her facility directly and see if they know of options avaiable. I know with my aunt she had to sign over everything and basically when money runs out government takes over. There are programs out there, but takes a lot of searching. Keep your chin up. Yes, getting old creeps upon us before we know it!