I've decided to see a psychologist

[GoJohnnyGo]

I'm really tired of beating myself up. It's hard to admit I need help, but I'm trying to pick myself up from a real low point which is sort of where I'm at right now.

As some of you might know, my father passed away two months ago. It was all very sudden -- he deteriorated very quickly. One week after being diagnosed with colon cancer (and bone marrow cancer) he was gone.

In many ways, colon cancer is like Crohn's in some of the symptoms. He had constipation due to a blockage towards the end. He was in severe pain.

I am racked with guilt for not paying attention to his illness over the last year or so. I just chalked it up to the old boy slowing down as he was pushing 80. I should have been after him to go see a doctor more often, but he was a stubborn old German.

I dunno. I think his death and the stress around it triggered my flare-up. It's not sympathy pains, I'm coming to realize. I had thought I was in a long remission (18 years), but upon thinking about it, I've had longstanding Crohn's issues all along and never dealt with them. I know I'm flaring badly right now.

I don't like feeling this down about myself.

 

[rosie]

dont forget to try and smile x

 

[GoJohnnyGo]

dont forget to try and smile x

Well, I'll try....

Not much of a grinner though. I'm more a deadpan sense of humor-type (think Leslie Neilson in the Airplane movies). I think I might be able to muster a wry smirk though.

 

[soupdragon69]

Johnny,

Go for the help you feel you need honey. Dont forget your input here is very valuable you have done some great posts today despite feeling how you do at the minute and I take my hat off to you for that one!

My nan was in the same boat a few years back and sometimes its better to allow them to choose but not always the easiest of things to stand by.

Another thought is we are so focused on others and doing the day to day things ourselves we just dont recognise what we are really living and coping with. Its good to pause and take stock as you are.

Hang in there. Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it ok?

Thinking of you Johnny

 

[teeny5]

I think it would be good for you to see someone. Don't beat yourself up about it though. It was not your fault. My uncle didn't go to the doctor for a long time and then once he did was told he had lung cancer...he died in a month. It was his own doing...he avoided the dr. and didn't tell anyone about his symptoms. My grandmother battled bone cancer for years and when she got sick the last time didn't tell anyone. She didn't want to treat it and let herself get so ill she was beyond treatment. She just went to the convalescent home and passed away there. It was her choice...she couldn't live with the pain anymore.

It is always sad to lose a loved one, but you can't live in guilt or regret. Talk to a psychologist so you can work through what you are feeling.

Hope you feel better soon. <<<HUGS>>>

 

[GoJohnnyGo]

I've never really been an upbeat person, but I guess the only place left to go is in a positive direction even despite the setbacks and future obstacles. I want to try and get started with that.

They say as you get older you become your father. The colon cancer part got to me because I guess I can envision a similar fate for myself.

He did tell me towards the end to start taking better care of myself, so I guess I'm trying to do that.

Thanks for all the kind words.

 

[mrs. vr]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in May. My dad and I are her "caregivers" (she's still getting around pretty well, but we take her to appts, take care of things when she's fatigued after treatment, etc.) It's very hard to see someone you love sick. I'm sorry you didn't have more time to adjust and accept that your dad was ill before he passed. My mom's tumor was a very rare type of cancer, and there are absolutely no guarantees with her treatments. There aren't even enough people with this type of cancer to have any good statistics. I don't know what I'll do if the worst happens, but at least I feel like I have some time to "prepare myself". You truly didn't.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think talking to a professional is a good idea too. You need to take care of YOU. Best of luck.

 

[GoJohnnyGo]

Tell me Johnny, do you like gladiator movies?

Well, that made me laugh (even though it was Peter Graves' line).

 

[My Butt Hurts]

Sorry to hear about your dad, GJG.
I went to counceling as a teen when my mom was being a royal b****. I didn't want to go at all, but my parents made me. It turned out to be really healing.
Do you have an appointment scheduled with your gastro doctor too? Sounds like with this flare you might need one.
Good luck.

 

[Nancy Lee]

I think it would be a good idea for you to see a psychologist now.
Stress can bring on a flare and losing your father so quickly would be very stressful...and sad.

You do what's best for you now.

Heart Hugs~Nancy

 

[ladyB]

Johnny
When someone we love passes it makes us question our own mortality.
Which is a fearful thing to admit.
Your body is getting worn down with the grieving process as well as the stress.
My Gram, who lived with us for a while, passed in febuary. She too passed quickly, within a week.
They have grief classes at the hospice center, maybe you might try looking in to one of those.
**hugs**

 

[Agent X20]

A bereavement like that is like being hit by a ton of bricks... and if it was two months ago... that's virtually yesterday. So I'm not surprised you still feel bad. I felt like total sh*t when my dad died... for a long time! And guilt is normal, by the way... no matter what you do, your brain will always find a way to make you feel guilty
Counselling might be a good idea... maybe try some bereavement counselling. Also, I wouldn't be ashamed of taking some anti-depressants for a while... if your doc thinks it's a good idea

 

[ladyB]

Agent's right. Two months ago IS virtually yesterday.
Be careful who you listen too. They can make you feel like you aren't normal cuz of the way you are griaving.
Everyone grieves different, just like everyone's crohn's is different.
Perfect example:
My step brother killed himself.
My step dad grieved for a few weeks and then was ok.
I, on the other hand still get emotional. I still go through bad spells of pain.

Not to say losing a step brother is anything like losing a father.
My point is if your listening to people like my step dad and your not like him emotonally, that will only make your grief more unbareable.

I may be way off base with your situation, if I am, just let me know.
Guilt is definately a stage in grief, don't beat yourself up

 

[BWS1982]

Really sorry to hear of the circumstances and loss Johnny, your sense of humor seems to be one of your saving graces, that's what helps me endure through stress (but not the loss of a parent yet).

I don't think I can ever get over the stigma I've got engrained inside on psycho-analysis, the fact that my stepdad threw my counseling in my face for the last 15 years while he and my real mother made me go to several counselors (who blew azz) is probably a big part.

Your way of thinking about cynical humor is very akin to my ways, as is your thought on IBD being your end game in life. Take care.