Limericks to choose from

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Ness..i think you have missed your true calling. Now if we could just find a marketing angle for limericks you'd be set ;)
 
Peaches said:
Ness..i think you have missed your true calling. Now if we could just find a marketing angle for limericks you'd be set ;)
Click to expand...

OR BETTER YET, I can write specialized limericks on my 'pots'. Whatcha' think?!?

Ugh, okay I'll ditch the pot idea already ::sniffles::
 
Fen is down with the wild, wild west
When he's in Texas, we go on a quest
Going to trashy bars
And smokin' big cigars
But after several drinks it turned into a big grabfest!

And by grabbing I mean him holding me up in the hallway so I didn't tip over. ::snort::
 
There once was a dude named Farmarito
He loved to eat him some bean burritos
They made his booty
Very tooty
So now he sticks to eating Taquitos
 
There once was a chica named Pop
The movies she liked to go but had to stop
Popcorn she misses so very much
The smell, the taste and such.
So now she must pop a new crop.
 
There once was a lady named Nessie
She wasn't very messy,
She liked the Texas state
Although its not very great
She does like to get quite dressy.
 
There was a guy named Fenway
He liked to go out and play
He now hails from New York
Where you don't eat pizza with a fork
But in sports he does not stray.
 
There was a little lass named Peaches
She sounds like she may like speeches
From the south is where its at for her
Loving the m'am and sir
Sipping margaritas on beaches.
 
Its all up on big Farm
Loving the slow life and doing no harm
Moving on with life
With no strife
Yes he does have the southern charm.
 
I know this cool guy named Mike
Moving away from Washington he did dislike
Some gasey Crohnie friends, he has made
When it comes to limericks, he gets the A+ grade
Now he is feeling well enough to ride a bike
 
Nessa's having trouble getting in gear
2010 so far is a rocky year
Here comes the fatigue
Don't ask me to join a sports league
Crohns is rearing her ugly head or so I fear
 
This thread needs a bump,
It's Wednesday, the day of the hump.
Tomorrow I prep for my scope,
Here's to good news I hope,
Until then I'll be on the toilet taking many a dump.
 
Eat well, my friend, tonight
Friday they go up your poop shoot with a mag-light
50 foot of hose
Till it comes out your nose
Won't that be a sight?
 
Fenway will be peeing out his ass
He won't have anymore sass
Bottoms up he will shout
His rear will resemble a spout
He'll be praying like he was at mass.

Good luck Fen!!!!!
 
Tonight I'm scarfing down spaghetti,
A recipe from my dear Aunt Betty.
And after I'm violated,
And my eyes no longer dilated,
I'm celebrating with a parade of confetti.
 
imisspopcorn said:
Fenway will be peeing out his ass
He won't have anymore sass
Bottoms up he will shout
His rear will resemble a spout
He'll be praying like he was at mass.

Good luck Fen!!!!!
Click to expand...

:ylol2: :ylol2: :ylol2:

My guts will be squeaky clean,
I can do this...I'm not a peen,
Loaded up on jello and juice,
My bowels will be loose,
And then water will come out that's green.
 
You may fart and your guts fall out
From all that prodding about
Take your time
Care for your behind
Or talk the docs into taking another route.
 
Fenard is ready to let out some poop
While posting on his iphone to his Crohnie group
Chillin' on the potty
You sure won't be feeling naughty
You'll know the prep has worked when your crapping clear broth soup
 
Take it easy
When you start shitting greasy
Ease off the prep
And be careful where you step
At least they sedate you so you can smile cheezy!
 
Good luck Fen!

Don't let them choke up on the handle
From the dude named Randall
Ease up on the drugs
Put on some ear plugs
You won't know its all a scandal.
 
Fen's got his prep and he's ready to party
Time to feel wet and a little bit farty
Eat up your jello
And use tp with aloe
Hope you enjoyed this rhyme from Lil' Sharty!
 
Hell being the average Joe
I'm ending this job don't ya know
In uniform I'll be
With all the chicks after me
The man with all the power, the po-po!
 
Thanks Mike and Nessa. I'm in a food coma. My last supper was tonight. Still have an hour and a half to eat solids. YES!

New job, Farm? You going to wear a badge?
 
fenway1971 said:
Thanks Mike and Nessa. I'm in a food coma. My last supper was tonight. Still have an hour and a half to eat solids. YES!

New job, Farm? You going to wear a badge?
Click to expand...

Looks like Fen will eat himself silly
Cram down a cheesesteak sammich from Philly
Getting all stuffed
Lookin' like Stay Puft
Just don't get so large you can't find your willy
 
fenway1971 said:
Thanks Mike and Nessa. I'm in a food coma. My last supper was tonight. Still have an hour and a half to eat solids. YES!

New job, Farm? You going to wear a badge?
Click to expand...
I wear one now, but it's just pretend.

I'm gonna try and be a cop Fen.
 
This morning I just wrecked my car
The rain made my vehicle slide so far
Whacked a tree
Now I'm fawkin' angry
Thank goodness it was my Galant and not a Jaguar
 
farm said:
OMG, are you serious??
Click to expand...

Yes! I was way pissed when Officer Farm wasn't called out onto the scene, either.

No police -- it was in my driveway, LMFAO! My driveway is really crappy. To get out, you have to floor it unless you have a truck and to get in, you have to keep your foot on the break because it dips a lot. That in combination with 6 inches of rain yesterday, gravel and mud just isn't good, LOL. My kid forgot his backpack and I was already pulled out halfway onto the road, so I reversed, started sliding and hit my huge oak tree in the front yard. Oops...
 
farm said:
At least no one was hurt. Car's can be fixed or replaced.
Click to expand...

True! I whacked the side of my face pretty good, but luckily it was just on my seat (I was looking over my shoulder when we hit), but I don't think it'll bruise or anything. Might've rattled the last few brain cells I have, but no permanent damage done, ROFL.
 
farm said:
So in essence you bitch smacked yourself?
Click to expand...

::spew::

Nessa just received the ultimate bitch smack
Now my bumper has a big ol' crack
My poor little head
At least I ain't dead
Could be worse -- I could've hurt my rack!
 
A limerick for my dumbass attempting to open my trunk...

I opened my trunk, but now it won't shut
Holy crap, I think I'm in a rut
Now I'm white trash
All because of that stupid crash
I'll have to tie it with rope, but at least I haven't a mullet
 
farm said:
LMAO yes!!! Bungee it so it hops up and down going down the road!!!!
Click to expand...

Dude, stop. JUST STOP! I can't!!!!!!! LOL

I need to take the stroller out and a bunch of other stuff so it doesn't get wet. Grrrr, then I went outside in my laundry room and saw my water heater is spraying out hot water.

On a good note though, my mom checked over my taxes and got me an extra thousand. Ah, looks like I wrecked just in time! :ylol2:
 
I dare you to bungee it with a bright yellow bungee!

Damn, if I was there I'd fix the water heater for ya!
 
Crap Nessa! I'm glad you are ok!! You better go to bed before anything else happens (hope you don't have a water bed ;) ).
 
Nothin' like a colonoscopy prep drink,
Chug it down and then poop in a blink,
When I think I'm done...my guts yell, Hell No,
Out my butt comes more of that Jello,
And wow...my bathroom must really stink.
 
When out of your butt that gunk does spew
And it even makes yourself want to say PEE YEW!
You know you are doing it rightly
With that yummy prep called Go Lyte ly
I know you'll be glad when you are all through!
 
You are sitting there watching TV
When all of a sudden out of your butt you must pee
That prep is working its magic
Even though it is making you feel tragic
All you want to do is finish your episode of Grey's Anatomy!
 
Hopefully you have a good book
Cuz tonight your ass ain't getting off the hook
It'll be over soon
My favorite poon
All the splattering is sure to make your cat spook!
 
Peaches said:
You are sitting there watching TV
When all of a sudden out of your butt you must pee
That prep is working its magic
Even though it is making you feel tragic
All you want to do is finish your episode of Grey's Anatomy!
Click to expand...

:ylol2:

I was actually trying to watch The Wire,
When my butt felt like it was on fire.
I had to hit pause,
Then run and drop my drawahs,
It's the truth...I ain't no liar.
 
Fen's got a case of the green apple splatters
Let 'em rip and watch his windows shatter
There ain't no band-aid
That'll stick after he sprayed
If the prep does it's job, he'll be skinnier and not fatter
 
Yeah - we've all got a brand new diet
It's called prep and you can not fight it
It will drain your ass straight up
Have you drinking gatorade from a tea cup
But when you get on the scale next morning you'll be glad you tried it

that is until you are done with your scope and you put everything you crapped out back on and MORE by eating the house down!
 
Gurgle gurgle and suddenly I dash,
Within seconds I hear the splash,
That Miralax I did swig,
Now I'm doing the colonoscopy jig,
If someone could do it for me...I'd pay cold hard cash.
 
Batfen is taking it down like a man
He gave a salute when the craps began
He'll pledge of allegiance
While his bowels have no obedience
If I could, I'd give you a hug...and a bedpan
 
fenway1971 said:
Gurgle gurgle and suddenly I dash,
Within seconds I hear the splash,
That Miralax I did swig,
Now I'm doing the colonoscopy jig,
If someone could do it for me...I'd pay cold hard cash.
Click to expand...


No one, for you, will take it up the ass.
No matter how much you offer with your cash.
This is on you,
Can't help you dude.
Get straight, go back to Mass.
 
Once upon a time, this thread really thrived
Not anymore, so it needs to be revived
Where my Crohnie's be
Stop being busy
No more of this being deprived
 
Nessa gave me a call
Said, come to TX with ya kin folk and all
After the fight
We'll drink all night
But I couldn't believe what I saw! :eek2:
 
Farm and Nessa will be drinkin'
Not too sure what he's thinkin'
We'll chug Shiner Bock
Then try and moonwalk
After all that beer the bathrooms will be stinkin'
 
Arrest record will say
I had a hell of a day
Drunk in public? No.
Assalt, eh, probably so.
Don't hate the game, just play!
 
Today I'm draggin' ass
but I think Farm will give me a pass
Too drunk last night I got
And too much caffeine made me really hot
Now I have to go pass more gas...

sorry - that is all I can muster today guys.... :)
 
When this thread gets a bump,
I do my dorky white fist pump.
I think I'm cool,
But I'm just a fool,
who often has to take a dump.
 
This Sunday is Valentine's Day
A day of loving for the straight and gay
Candy and balloons
Sex in the sand dunes
But most importantly, don't forget the foreplay
 
Fore..what did you say?
I mean, when it comes to a romp in the hay
It's a wham bam
Thank you ma'am
And not a mention of foreplay!

Ok - not really - someone would get cut off really quick - just had to get that really easy limie out!
 
My V-day date makes a buzzing sound
Better than some guy who's just a rebound
If only it'd get me a card
Or a picnic in a yard
My glass of wine is about to get downed

...Wow, I feel like a loser, LOL.
 
A limerick for those in the singles club
Don't waste your time on those who snub
Let's make a toast
From coast to coast
To finding that someone who will give you a backrub

Ugh, I'm slacking!
 
Foreplay is Bitch get in the truck
You know what's up we gonna f*$K
Pillow talk?
This huzzy might stalk!
Kick her out with a smile and a buck.
 
I am so sick of V-Day candy
It's making me anything but randy
My ass just got fatter
Too much cookie batter
After this week I'll need to fast like Gandhi
 
Good one Ness!

I'm avoiding all the candy mess
It'll make me unable to get into my dress
My hips will explode
When I wish they'd implode
And that would make me pissed I must confess!
 
Farm opened up his phone with a flip
And out came a picture of a baby nip
My kid loves to draw
But we ain't sending that to Grandma
See what happens when you let babies strip?
IMG00721.jpg
 
LMAO! That's great!

This morning's crossword puzzle had an embedded limerick...thought I'd share since I solved it!

A happy fellow from Lyme,
Had three wives at a time.
When asked why the third
He replied, "One is absurd
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
 
Thinking it's time for some family pics on the beach
Hopefully the kids are nice and don't screech
With sand in my ass crack
And crabs on the attack
I'll even bribe the boys with candy for each

I'm thinking I'm going to go ahead and schedule a session for the boys and I, squeal! Although Kaleb said he'd run away from home if I made him dress up matching with his brothers and me. Freakin' turd...
 
That Kaleb!! Ok - some advice - do NOT wear any kind of lipstick that isn't just DRY once you put it on. Go have a gander at my FB pic - do we look a bit like we are in pain? That is because we ARE! Sand is blowing in our eyes and the photographer (who SUCKED by the way) has us facing directly into the sun and saying "keep your eyes open" as sand is blowing around. Oh - and re: the lipstick - my lips are coated in sand - yummy! Oh - and pull her hair back - my girlfriend didn't and her hair was blowing all over the place.

And tell him he can run away - either match or you'll put him in all black and attach a crab to his right testicle. Give him those options and see which he pics ;) Matchy is cute and it's only for an hour!! (ok - pics are for a lifetime..but)
 
LMFAO, you crack me up!

Crap, so no lipgloss, eh? I'll have to find a nuetral lipstick that dries real good. Hair pulled back - CHECK! This is going to be tough because it's always SO windy down here, grrrr.

I told Kaleb it wouldn't be THAT bad. Probably some white shirts with denim bermuda shorts (for me) and rolled up jeans for the kids. He still said it sounded lame. ::sigh::

*Edit* It's either the beach or near the beach at this place. Still undecided...
389612308OKyoJt_fs.jpg
 
Last edited:
What a COOL place!! I could have a field day there with my camera!! Well...hopefully he will at least put on his non-fake happy face whatever you do. I recommend lots o bribing!!
 
The weddings they have there are AMAZING! If I had ever decided to have an actual wedding, that would've been my #1 pick. Guess there's always next time, HA!

I'll threaten Kaleb with a little smack
Then give him a quick head whack
Tell 'em shuddup and smile
Stop threatening to puke bile
After we're done, he can bust out a wisecrack
 
To my limericking homies....

There are days when you learn who your real friends are,
Those who'll face your enemies ready to spar.
To me it's clear,
That you can find in here,
The best buddies for any crohnie by far.
 
Yep - we are here through thick and thin
We'll shove those bad bastards straight in a bin
Close the lid up tight
After kickin' them with all our might
Then call it a night and go have some gin!

Shaken not stirred.......
 
Yes...karaoke is a MUST
It would truly be a bust
to watch you all sing
while my drink I do fling
It will be a blast I do trust!
 
CRAP will be a hoot,
As long as I don't hurl in a boot.
But even then,
You'd laugh at Fen,
"Drink more, you old coot!"
 
You got that right brother from another muther
We'd liquor you up till you couldn't go any futher
You'd be swaying all over the place
Wishing you could spray us with some mace
And we would just say, aw comon and have anuther!!
 
Big V has been trying to go with the flow
But now I think it's time to lay low
I have the best pals
All my guys and gals
But the stress has made me turn a little ghetto
 
LMAO!

Poor Nessers has gone a little crazy
My mind's been feeling a tad hazy
I need a lobotomy
Just please no sodomy
If I get stuck in the butt, it won't smell like a daisy
 
Farmie likes to jam on the guitar
Practicing will get you really far
Electric or acoustic
It all sounds so epic
Now go get drunk and perform in a bar!

One of my best guy friends from back in the day performs down here frequently. He's got a Johnny Cash thing going, lol. It's weird to hear him sing this sort of music when he was known for his foot high mohawks back in high school, LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg6_yNIAXGU
 
Farmie's having trouble getting it up
He tried all day yesterday with very little luck
He said he'd try some Cash flare
That will make everybody stare
Let's hope he doesn't get stuck
 
Who is the asshole who invented the high heel?
Cuz so far this does anything but appeal
In my 5 inch stiletto
I'm sure to find a fellow
Until I fall and either cry or squeal!

I bought some new shoes yesterday, had to break them in and I am DYING! It hurt my legs just to get out of bed....and I get to wear them all evening. Sometimes it just BLOWS being a woman!
 

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