My Grandpa had a Massive Stroke

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Jennifer

Jennifer

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There's a medication that can be given that will totally thin out the blood but must be given within a 3 hour window otherwise the damage to the brain increases and may never be reversed. The hospital he was taken too waited almost 3 hours to give it to him. I don't know why. I was part of the family there who made the decision to give him the medication yet they still waited 40 min to give it to him. WHY? He was flown to another hospital where there is a good neurologist and that doctor fears he wasn't given the medication in time and also doesn't understand why they waited. An MRI was done this morning to find out what the extent of the damage is to see whether he will ever be able to move his left side ever again.

He has reflexes on his left side which is a good sign but as I've been learning shouldn't be encouraged cause that's tensing up and we don't want him to tense up. So I get mad at my grandma when she tickles his foot to get him to move and says, "see, he can move, move your left foot hun, no, your LEFT foot." and then looks to us like he's not cooperating. She doesn't understand and refuses to.

I've been helping feed my grandpa when he's too sad to feed himself. I've helped him use the urinal when no nurse would come. I've been told to leave when only 2 people are allowed at a time in ICU. I've been told that they refused to give him a blanket in the middle of the night because he kicks them off anyway. Every time I come into the room his left arm is in the wrong position and must be placed a certain way to prevent swelling so he can move it again if its possible. I've been told that the nurse staff didn't know he had regained a lot of feeling on his left side until I told them because I check every time I come in. I come in and the call nurse button is on his LEFT SIDE. HE CAN'T MOVE ON HIS LEFT SIDE! He can't reach it with his right cause he's so weak. He hurt his right arm trying to find the call nurse button cause he had to use to bathroom. The staff gets frustrated with him because his comprehension is slow. HE HAD A MASSIVE STROKE. He could have died. He also lost A LOT of blood when he fell face first on the pavement outside his house. He probably has a concussion. On top of it all, hardly anyone in my family is putting forth the amount of effort I am to care for him. To be there for him even when he's sleeping. I know how much it sucks to be alone and scared in the hospital with no one there to talk to or to see when you open your eyes after being woken up by the billions of sounds hospitals make.

I'm back home now because I needed a break. Staying with my family for that long is exhausting and makes me want to strangle them all. I cry in silence by myself and put on a smile for my grandpa and my family. I gave my grandpa a ugly monkey toy that's a stress ball type thing where if your wring its ugly neck, its eyes pop out of its head. He was trying soo hard yesterday to make both eyes pop out but couldn't until it was time for me to go back home he said nothing but put the toy in my face popping out both eyes (with his right hand of course). I told him that he would figure out how eventually.

I want to go back and see him but he's so far away. He's about an 1 1/2 hours away and I don't have money or a car to go see him. I've already stayed the night twice. I'm tired and sad and mortified by my family. He had his stroke on Christmas Eve. My mom (his daughter), dad, grandma (his wife) and my sister, her husband and her kids (his grand kids) all opened their Christmas gifts on Christmas morning 1 1/2 hours away from him because they said Christmas was for the kids and the kids needed to open their gifts then. My grandpa was supposed to get his MRI done that morning but his heart rate was too high, close to having a heart attack so they wouldn't do the test on him. He could have died and their priority was presents. I wanted to throw up when they told me. We all open gifts together, with everyone and they had less that half of the people who were supposed to be there. The other half was where they should be, at the hospital with my grandpa.

I have a therapy appointment today that my bf is taking me to where I know I'm going to cry over and over again for an hour. I should cancel but I want to go. I want to let out my frustration to more people so I know that I'm not crazy.

There's so much more to say about this whole thing, its the longest story where if I told the whole thing, I'm sure you'd all be in tears. I don't know when I'm going back to see him. Maybe this weekend unless my parents decide to leave sooner. At least he's out of ICU today. Next is weeks and weeks and weeks of physical therapy but I don't know where yet.

Thanks for reading. I'm not going back to edit anything this time cause I'm gonna go cry and get dressed now.
 
aw honey i am so sorry to hear what's happened to your grandad, and how all the care and logic seems to be coming from you, alone.

it's a massive responsibility to bear, and you've done the right thing having a break... your grandad probably sees you as his angel right now - you've certainly done everything possible to help him, and i know you'll continue to do so..

((big hugs)) to you - and to your grandad. i hope he pulls through this ok, and is soon working towards getting his mobility back.
 
Oh Crabby how awful for you and your Grandpa. :( That is just so sad and only made all the harder when family isn't there to support you both.

I so hope he makes a good recovery and that rehabilitation is able to get him up and moving again. You may not be there in the physical sense Crabby but you know and he knows you will always have him in your thoughts and heart.

Take care, :hug::hug::hug:
Dusty
 
Crabby, I am so sorry to hear this. Good for you for being there for him and helping him out when apparently the rest of your family and the hospital staff can't be bothered to! I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my own grandpa - he went into cardiac arrest at the airport the day before Thanksgiving. Fortunately, an off-duty EMT saw him collapse and started CPR immediately, which is probably the reason he survived. 7 defibrillations later, his heart started again.

Since he collapsed in the airport in the city I live in, and nobody else in the family lives here, I was the one my family looked to to help him out. I had to get his bags from the airport and pick up his car, buy him stamps, etc. Whatever he needed doing, I did, and I was in his room every day visiting him. Fortunately the nursing staff did seem to take excellent care of him, so I didn't need to do quite as much as it sounds like you're doing.

Is there a supervisor for the nurses that you could complain to? The thing about putting the call button on your grandpa's left side is absolutely horrible. I wouldn't let that kind of thing slide.

I really hope your grandfather recovers well and is able to get back to living his life. And I hope you are able to feel okay and know that it's not your responsibility to take care of him, but that it's great that you are doing so much for him. Good luck to you and to him, please post updates and let us know how he is getting on. I'll keep you in my thoughts and am sending lots of hugs your way!
 
Thank you everyone.

Update:

The results of the MRI says that there is some damage done yet its hard to tell how much and how it will affect him because there is still a lot of swelling in his brain. He said that the arch of his foot was hurting yet still doesn't have feeling in his toes. He's still very tired and when I called to talk to him today the first thing he said was, "where are you?" You're breaking my heart grandpa. :p My uncle and his wife are leaving tonight which just leaves my aunt from OK. But she'll be leaving either Wed. or Thurs. to go back home. I don't want him to be alone nor just have only one person there all the time cause it isn't fair to them. I wish I had stayed. But I knew that I would regret it either way. He seemed sad when I said that I didn't know when I'd be coming back. :(

My bf told me that we could rent a car on Thursday after he gets off work and we could head down there. He may be moved to another facility by then but who knows? I need these days to hurry up so I can go and see him soon.
 
I hope he does well in rehabilitation. Remember that if Kirk Douglas was strong enough to get through a serious stroke and still be able to work (he played in several movies afterward) I bet your grandfather will be able to get through it.
 
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If you don't mind my asking, what part of California are you in? If you are near San Francisco, I have had very good experiences with the UCSF hospitals since I am a student there. If the hospital he is at is still treating him poorly, you can always consider a transfer, or threaten to contact a lawyer since what they are doing is borderline malpractice/negligence. If he has to be treated a certain way and they won't do it, then move him or make them understand the consequences for not performing their job.

I hope things pick up for you and your grandpa and that his recovery is as quick and good as possible. As I said, if he is near the San Francisco area there is a great resource with UCSF nearby. Keep us informed how things are going!
 
He's in Santa Barbara (we're from the Central Coast/San Luis Obispo County) where the neurologist is supposedly the best in the land. I'm sure he's great but I'm not so certain about the staff. He's out of ICU but I don't know how the new staff is taking care of him. I'm gonna call his room in a little bit to see if anyone is in there. My aunt is supposed to be with him but she didn't answer her phone last night or this morning and still hasn't called back.
 
Thinking of you Crabby during this difficult time. Please remember your own health too, we don't want you to get poorly too!
Hopefully your Grandad will pull thro during rehab, they can do wonderful things with stroke victims nowadays.
Stay strong, you're doing just great!
xxx
 
Dear Crabby,
My heart goes out to you and your granddad. I know this is a very difficult time for you.
I do have a suggestion though. Yes physical therapy is very important. I am a speech pathologist. If at all possible, please push for speech therapy ASAP. In 90% of people the speech center is on the left side of the brain. I understand your granddad is weak on his left side, which normally means a stroke on the right side of the brain. Sometimes not though. When he is eating please do not leave him alone especially do not let him drink by himself until he has had a swallow evaluation. With what you said about the staff it just seems as they wouldn't notice if he was pocketing food or if he is showing signs of silent aspiration.
As for the staff: I have worked in many hospitals over the years. Every hospital now days has survys to fill out. If I were you or another concerned member of the family, I would collect names and take the list down to the HR department. I know many people do not think that anything comes of it but it really does. A bad grade on these surveys cuts onto bonus money for the CEO and the like. They take that very seriously.
I am trying to give supportive suggestions, not orders. Please take care of yourself in this process. Oh, another thing: find out if the hospital is JACHO certified. Mention "j-co" ( how you pronounce it) and people start scurrying.
My thoughts are with your granddad during his trials,
Michele
 
Hi Crabby,
So sorry to hear bout your grandad. Hoping that he'll soon be on the mend, and that any effects right now aren't permanent.
Please look after yourself too, and as hard as it is, try and get as much rest as is possible. Thinking of you both and sending best wishes,
Andrea x
 
My parents, grandma and I are headed back down there tonight. I should be leaving in about 20 min. Got all my stuff packed along with some stuff to bring him.

Thank you for the advice Madimarc, I'll look into anything I can so I can make sure he's taken care of properly, ESPECIALLY with the night crew where the most problems seem to be. Edit: They gave him full meals with all textures 2 days before they did the swallowing tests with the speech therapist. And the Physical therapist came by on Sunday while he was eating lunch and didn't do physical therapy on him cause they said it was a scheduling conflict. They could have set his meal aside and done their job.

Thank you to everyone else. Dunno when I'll be back. Man the support forum for me while I'm gone. ;)
 
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Oh, Crabby! This makes me want to get on my broom and fly out there! I am hoping that it is the fact that it is the holidays and they are using "pool people". Not to excuse their crappy treatment of your grandfather. It is unfortunate that what is termed acute care (ICU, the regular rooms) is really heading in this direction. Hopefully he will be able to be transferred to the re-hab unit, often in the same facility, soon so that he will receive better therapy care. In today's times, acute care seems to only worry about keeping the patient breathing, not so much with quality of life after.
Please keep after the staff. They have no right to treat your grandfather this way. Nor do they have the right to disregard you or your family members concerns.
Michele
 
((((((((((( Crabby )))))))))))) "When it rains, it pours".....

Although I understand how much you want to be there for your grandpa - I would/did too - please remember to take of Our CrabbyRelish too. I know it is hard to do - I am the worst one for being guilty of taking care of others at the expense of my own health - but as my hubby keeps reminding me - it's pretty hard to care for others if you are so sick you end up in the hospital as well......

I wish I had more advise other than that given as to what to do with the hospital staff - other than string them all up by their toemails - that is just sick and wrong and makes me embarrassed to think my "collegues" are treating ANYONE this way.... I hope you get some help/answers with that issue.....

Until then, thinking of you and sending squishy, supportive, cyberhugs......
 
Update:

He's being discharged from the hospital tomorrow morning at 10am and will be transported to a facility closer to home for a couple of weeks before he can start doing more advanced therapy back down in Santa Barbara. He still can't move even a finger so he's basically going into a home for now where they will focus on physical therapy and help him feel more comfortable. He's being moved to the same town I'm in so I should be able to stop by everyday if I want, as long as I'm not sick. I think I might be getting a sore throat in my right gland.

Some Christmas... some New Years... I feel drained, and tired and out of tears. There's so much more to tell. Another time perhaps.
 
I feel bad and am sorry that this happened. The physical therapy will really help him. I hope that you dont get more ill if you are feeling sickness come on. I hope that things get better and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Update:

He's being transferred right now and will be at the new facility soon. My parents are nowhere to be found, didn't even offer me a ride so my aunt is picking me up. I truly hate my family.
 
Update:

The facility he's at kind of blows to be quite honest but what are ya gonna do? They give the patients water out of the sink so we have to bring him bottled water from now on. He's not used to drinking tap water so it will mess with his digestive tract.

I'm now sick. With what. I dunno. Some of you might remember me making a thread about getting recurring throat infections which are sometimes strep and sometimes not. I went to the ER to be treated cause no doctor's offices were open yesterday. I had white spots in the back of my throat where the entrance is to my glands and a lot of pain and body aches. I had a 100 degree fever and an ear infection as well. So I'm on antibiotics AGAIN (had an pneumonia 2 weeks ago and took antibiotics for that and strep about a month before that where I also took antibiotics) AND the ER doc decided to put me on 50mg of Prednisone for 5 days to help with swelling in my ears and throat. He thinks that if it isn't strep or if nothing else shows up in the throat culture, then he thinks it may be Crohn's related and that I might be having a flare causing the recurring throat infections. Whether that's true or not I have to call my GI on Monday and let them know what's going on/been going on so we can start tracking these infections to see what's causing them each time cause I don't always go to the doc each time it happens but the ER doc said I should have a throat culture done each time from now on. He said if its Crohn's related then removing my tonsils will do nothing and he said my tonsils were fine.

So far the antibiotics or most likely the Prednisone (cause antibiotics usually take a few days to make me feel better) has started working (started taking both yesterday) cause I don't have much pain today. I hardly notice the pain really.

I'm bummed cause I have to wait for the throat culture results to come back or wait till Tuesday to see my grandpa again. I'm told that he's even more tired and that he's become slightly delusional. They did a CT scan the day he was transferred and found that his brain is still bleeding from the fall. So we're hoping for the best but I think I've been preparing for the worst because I cry so often everyday. I hate not being able to see him. If he starts getting worse I will come and wear a mask and gloves so I can see him before he goes. Hopefully yesterday was just a slight relapse. My family will let me know how he's doing after they go and see him this afternoon.
 
Aw Crabby!
so sorry all this is happening to you, hospital visiting is no fun, especially if you're suppressed too. You could've picked a bug up from there?
Have you seen an immunologist? Maybe they could suss out why you're getting recurrence of strep?
Hope you feel better soon, and that Grandad pulls through
xxx
 
Update:

I can't spell and don't know my right from my left sometimes. :p

He seems to be doing a lot better. Stayed awake longer this time. I got to see him today and he was happy to see me and had plenty of chores for me to do, not that I mind really. :p I rubbed on some Icy Hot on his joints and rubbed his hand for him for a while (he likes it cause it puts him to sleep). Lots of repositioning on the bed too and even got on the floor to find out if you could shift your body with just using your back and one leg to prove to him that it can be done. After a little rest he was able to do it the way I showed him on his own. He can also squeeze with his left thumb (can't release it though and he's got a pretty good grip so I have to wait for him to relax till I can pull away) and he can push back slightly with his leg and forearm. He also has all the feeling back on his entire left hand side. The big toe was the last thing that didn't have feeling but I started rubbing it right when I got in without him looking and he noticed and said I was touching his big toe. So so far he seems to be doing great and in my opinion his mind is doing just fine. I think my mom and aunt just need to be more patient with him so they can know what he's talking about.

Both my mom and my aunt needed to vent today too so I got an earful from two people about how they didn't understand each other or the other or someone else was upsetting them. So now I'm a go to person as well when someone needs to talk. This whole ordeal is gonna toughen me up a lot.

I also saw the heart doc today and found out that there's nothing structurally wrong with my heart (good news) and that he's going to put me on a new medication that my insurance will pay for (also good news). I also told him that the ER doc put me on 50mg of Prednisone and since I've been taking it my chest feels tight and my heart rate has increased. He didn't like the sound of that and wants me to stop taking it. Don't have to tell me twice doc! *salutes*

Also yesterday my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings and found one that I liked and was a good price (he wants me to have one I'm happy with). Dunno when he'll get it or when he'll ask for my hand but I know that its in the works. ;) Wish me luck there.

Too many things going on! RAWR! So far on the up and UP though. :) Let's hope it continues.
 
(((((((((((( Crabby ))))))))))))) Glad to hear things are overall going a bit better for you! Hopefully it continues in an award motion!!

Squishy hugs!
 
Crabby,
I am so glad to hear your grandpa is making progress!
I am very sorry to hear of your own health problems. I have never had a reoccurring infection of that type and hope you have relief.
Such a wonderful thing, picking out a ring with the person you value above all others. Enjoy this time especially.
Michele
 
Update:

He can open and close his left hand. Every finger moves but its hard and takes a lot of patience. His mind seems a bit... nutty. He wanted to bite the physical therapist today cause she was hurting his wrist. Expressing pain and anger is normal but biting is not, at least he kept himself from doing it. But also today when I was helping lift him, he licked my neck and tried giving me a hicky because I was so near. I think it was more childish banter really but it made me feel really awkward. He said, "bet you won't forget that huh?" after I told him to cut it out. I know he has some brain damage going on but I'm not sure how much. Anyone have any experiences they could share that might help me out in understanding what's happening concerning his brain or something good to read to help me out?
 
Sorry I'm late to this thread-you are such a strong person, and good for you for being such a loving granddaughter!

Sending hugs to you and your Grandpa, and healing thoughts. My grandma lives with us and I totally get dealing with annoying family members who no matter what is happening are still self-absorbed, it just sucks the life out of you. In order to deal I can't even let them vent at me and still deal with whatever's going on-sometimes you just have to choose sanity.

So don't feel guilty if you need to take time for you, it's good for the soul!
 
We'll see how long my sanity lasts. At least my boyfriend gave me a nice back rub. :)
 
Question: How do you get family members to give a crap?

I'm so sick of doing all the work and I'm sick of outsiders telling me to have a "sit down" with my family to try and split up the work load. The rest of the family doesn't give a crap and won't help my grandpa out anymore than visiting him for an hour max per day. Some family members haven't even come to visit him and they live in the same town he's being kept at and he's been there for a little over a week now. My body is sore and my heart aches and I'm just outright depressed. My mom called it "burn out" today. Well I wouldn't be burnt out if you'd help me out some more you dumb bitch. I'm getting short and outright mean with people because I'm just simply irritated to the core.

Some night nurse kid younger than me tried to school me on the consistency of poo to try and prove to me that my grandpa had been having BMs this whole time and that my grandpa just plum forgot. My grandpa isn't retarded and he's no liar but whoever wrote that crap in the chart is lying their ass off and don't you dare even try to get started with me about the consistency of poo son! I will destroy you! And I did and he backed away a bit and didn't argue further. I've had Crohn's since you were born you little fat midget so go back under that bridge from whence you came!

My grandpa is depressed and irritable and isn't getting enough sleep. He's having more and more movement come back yet with it comes ENORMOUS amounts of pain. I'm there helping him 5-6 hours per day and have noticed that the staff there is HORRIBLE and he doesn't belong there. My grandpa said to me the other day, "there's nothing to do here but lay here and die." When I told my mom that, she laughed. LAUGHED! It's not funny! I hate my mom at this point and my dad has made it clear that blood matters not to him cause he takes my mom's side and gets pissed at me all the time. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me and this all started before the stroke too. I see my grandpa as more of a dad than my dad ever was to me anyway. I want to curse and scream and rip apart people's throats yet have to compose myself each day and put on a smile for my grandpa. I need help.
 
Hiya Crabby

I can totally empathise with you.
When my ex husband had a brain injury, similar to a stroke, he had personality changes, slowness, poor memory, irritability, bad temper, tiredness, depression, rapid mood changes, anxiety and threats of violence.
It may be useful to think of the brain in terms of the complex traffic system in a large city. Imagine the sort of disruption that would be caused by an earthquake or a bomb going off at a particularly busy traffic intersection. For a while traffic flow would come to a complete standstill, there would be long traffic jams and general congestion. Gradually motorists would find new, previously unused routes around back streets and across residential areas. If the roads weren't too severely damaged they might be cleared and traffic flow might continue, but at a slower pace.
The process of recovery and rehabilitation could be viewed as the process of finding those new routes, opening up new pathways and repairing old ones.

here is the people who helped me

http://www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

You're doing a smashing job Crabby, I wish you well, and Grandad too.
xxx
 
Hi Crabby:

Thank goodness your grandfather has you for love, care, support, and importantly, as his advocate. How galling it must be to have your family be so unsupportive---I imagine all the rage must just take the stuffin' right outta you.

My maternal grandfather lived with my family for many years and he passed away five years ago. I hold a lot of anger against my father for socially isolating, ignoring, and at times, belittling my grandfather. My siblings and I would work really hard to make sure we got my grandfather out and about a lot which would annoy my dad to no end, but we decided that that childish/immature behaviour was my dad's problem, and not ours. Still, it was really hard to take and there were a lot of fights with my dad.

I don't know how you get family members to actually give a s@#t. I've learned along the way that either people care or they don't. And the narcissism that comes to play in a time of crisis is really unproductive and enrages me. But waiting/wanting people to care can be a huge drain on one's energy...it sounds like many members of your family have made their choices and it also sounds like they believe they're doing something of substance for your grandfather.

My uneducated guess is that you'll be riding this train by yourself (with support from your fiancee?) and waiting for others to "come on board" might be a losing battle. I just hope you can expand your circle of support in other ways (people who might make you a meal while you're busy with your grandpa, run some errands for you, etc.) so that the workload you've got on your shoulders isn't as emotionally isolating and physically draining.

Take good care of yourself in all this.
 
That's a thought Glum chump. I haven't gotten to clean my house or even do the dishes because of how busy I've been but I don't know who could help me with those chores as I don't have many friends in the area anymore. Calling upon resources that I haven't spoken to in years would be quite awkward and I'm not sure if it'd work. Maybe we could save up to have a maid service for a day or something.

Yes my unofficial fiance is being very supportive and as helpful as he can be. He has his own issues with his job and is currently looking for a new one. There's too much going on for us to handle and we are getting overwhelmed. Come to think of it, this almost feels like a crash course in parenting which we do plan on having kids but obviously not just yet. :p
 
WHEN TO CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES?


My grandpa told me just today that almost every night he's left laying in his own urine where it spreads up the sheets and his back making him cold and making the heat rash on his back worse even after pressing the call button and trying to get help. He still cannot move his left side. He says that he's left there for hours early in the morning with no help. I wrote down a list of all other wrong doings such as lying in his chart about his having a BM and putting things out of his reach and his mistreatment in physical therapy. Its purely neglect really but that's still punishable by law.

I sent a detailed message to my aunt letting her know that if I hear one more wrong doing, I will report the facility to the authorities without the families consent. So far all my mom had to say was that, "all these places are like that." I'm pretty sure one of his nurses is a tweaker (meth/speed addict) too.
 
if it were my relative, i wouldn't wait for one more thing.. there's plenty happening to your grandfather there right now which is bang out of order, and in my opinion, it's abuse - not just neglect.

very sadly, this type of thing happens all too often behind the scenes to the elderly, plus bullying and theft from people supposed to be their 'carers' - the latter i have known first hand with my own grandmother..

i know you've got so much to deal with right now, but if there is any way you could find somewhere else for him to be moved to - even if it involves getting a social worker on the case - then i'd do so. maybe you could contact the hospital where he was, & see if they can offer any advice?
 
I sent a message to both my aunt and uncle about what they think we should do. We've already started looking for another place for him to go. I haven't told my mom (his daughter) about contacting the authorities because I know she would be against it but it may be for his own good and the good of the rest of the elderly living there.
 
This is such a common theme at these places!! Have you talked to the admin. Crabby? If they know they are in the crosshairs, they may clean up their act. The threat of fines and lost licenses may help all the residents there.
 
UPDATE (this happened Saturday night/last night):

THEY DROPPED HIM! I'M FURIOUS!

They lied saying that he tried getting out of bed himself but he remembers what happened and so does his roommate. One person tried to move him by themselves and the guy fumbled my grandpa. He hit his head on the floor IN THE SAME SPOT HE FELL WHEN HE HAD THE STROKE and his left wrist was bleeding and looked like it could have used a stick but they put some clear plastic covering over it that is usually used for IVs. He's on blood thinners and can't get any cuts and bruises and what do they go and do? THEY DROP HIM. CARELESS USELESS BASTARDS! The Supervisor that night lied TO MY FACE saying that it was all my grandpa's fault when he can't get out of bed by himself at all let alone as far as she said his head was on the floor. The guy who was helping him by himself was no longer there by the time I got there. This kid thought he could move my grandpa to the bathroom himself and even my grandpa told him that he should get someone else to help and that's all he remembers. Next thing he knew he was back in bed with a bloodied arm.

I've already reported them to Social Services, the Nursing Supervisor and a local agency that deals with elderly abuse. Each one told me they would look into it.

I don't know what to do. I want him out of this place but there's no way we can take care of him ourselves at home without equipment or hurting ourselves and him in the process. This facility could obviously care less about him. Should I have called the police? I wanted to. I know it was an accident most likely but what if things go downhill because of all this? No one else in my family called the police so I figured they'd all be mad at me if I did. Now its a day later and I dunno what to do. I spoke to him today and he sounded fine over the phone and my parents and grandma (his wife) showed up while I was on the phone with him. I wish I could go over there but I'm really really sick and don't want to risk getting him sick. I only went last night because no one in my family was going to go over and check on him to see what happened or see how he was doing right away. I'm the closest person to him (location wise).

What would you have done? Is there anything else I can do? This place is going on record saying that he got out of bed himself and fell yet him and his roommate have a different story. At least I know his roommate's name (he's going back home today) in case we need to contact him in the future. I dunno what to do anymore.
 
Oh Crabby, how sad and frustrating for you and your Grandpa. I wish I could be of more help to you but I don't know your system there. Just know you are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Thinking of you, :hug:
Dusty
 
My grandpa just called ME to see how I was doing. lol. He's worried about my health now. I wish I would hurry up and get better. I don't think anything like this would have happened if I was around. Not that I'm trying to blame myself or anything but they do take better care of the patients when the family is watching.
 
You might try contacting the local media. These places are often in the news with their abuses. If some reporter shows up asking questions, they will surely mind their p's and q's....at least for a while.

You're really doing all that anyone could expect of you Crabs! Not many children, let alone grandchildren, would go to such lengths.
 
I'm entertaining the idea of the media, didn't think of it.

I spoke with the Administrator of the facility today and he said he would investigate it himself, both the fall and the night time crews lack of care. I told him that the only people I hadn't talked to yet were himself and the police. Meaning that if it keeps happening, I'm going to call the police and might as well contact the media while I'm at it.

I wonder if the media would be willing to set up cameras for further proof.
 
It may be my small market experience, but if our local news outlet could get five minutes of real news out of it, they'd bend over backwards to shed light on something like this. These places are huge Medicare recips and should be held accountable!!
 
Update:

Gah! Too much to update. Been contacting the Administrator directly but at this point I almost don't care because the doctor wants my grandpa to go back home either this Monday or Tuesday. I'm excited yet terrified all at the same time cause I'm pretty sure this means that I'll have to live with my grandparents some days and my parents will stay there the other days until something else is figured out. They live in a different town than I do so I'll be away from my boyfriend the days that I'm gone. Someone has to be there 24/7 who's capable of helping and I'm on the capable list and the list is very few.

Tomorrow morning my mom and I will learn from the physical therapists on how to lift and transfer him from a bed to a wheel chair.

I love my grandpa with all my heart yet I'm still sick and all I want to do is lay in bed and not have to get out of it ever again.
 
Crabs, you gotta think about yourself sometimes. Is there no chance of grandpa moving into a nursing home? He sounds like he needs more than you can provide!! And from earlier in this thread, you don't seem to be getting much help from other family members!! I'm afraid you'll end up with ALL the responsibility before long!!
 
Crabby,
Mark is right. I worked with the elderly for years in home health. I know everyone wants the family member home but honestly sometimes it cause more harm. If your granddad is on Medicare look into a home health aid if nothing else. Good luck and take care of yourself too.
Michele
 
CrabbyRelish said:
I'm entertaining the idea of the media, didn't think of it.

I spoke with the Administrator of the facility today and he said he would investigate it himself, both the fall and the night time crews lack of care. I told him that the only people I hadn't talked to yet were himself and the police. Meaning that if it keeps happening, I'm going to call the police and might as well contact the media while I'm at it.

I wonder if the media would be willing to set up cameras for further proof.
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I'm also in CA Crabby, and in the Los Angeles area KCAL or KCBS has investigative reporters I would contact-you can check out their websites-they are sister stations so the share alot of the same info. I would also file a police report right away.

Have you checked into a home healthcare nurse for your grandpa? I had one for my aunt who was bedridden w/colon cancer and the nurse came out to do the hard stuff-bathing, changing sheets, etc-Medical or Medicare can defer the cost.

Also, be sure to get a social worker and let them know about your health situation,too-it can make a big difference as to the help they will offer your grandpa and to you as well.

Sending hugs and best wishes to you and your Grandpa!:hug:
 
My mom has diabetes, my dad has high blood pressure and I've got Crohn's and a couple other things. So I guess all his care takers are a little messed up. :p There will be a nurse to help and will stop by within 24-48 hours and decide then how often they think my grandpa needs a nurse for and when. He'll also have a physical therapist come by and evaluate him the same way. I imagine they will be around a lot for the first couple/few weeks.

He's progressed SO much and is doing VERY well. A stroke like that usually kills people so his doctor said it was a miracle that he's even alive let alone the progress he's making. What we're going through right now is temporary. He may not be able to regain full mobility but in time he will be able to learn how to get around on his own as many people are capable of doing. My parents have also stepped up a lot more than before so I'm getting a little more help.

We contacted his church and they will be building a ramp for him this weekend. :D
 
i'm happy to hear that he's doing so well he can go home, and i'm also happy that he'll soon be out of that horrible place! but the work for all of you starts then... i think all the suggestions i was going to put forward have been said already, especially the church involvement... very often they have support systems and even their own social care department - this is the time to pull in and ask for all the favours you can. maybe talk to your Grandpa's gp as well, tell him what's been happening, and ask what help you can get for him.
 
Grandpa is now in his own home. First day home was a little rocky since its just us now but I have my parents here too which helps a lot. We're all staying the night tonight cause my dad has to go to work in the morning so tomorrow will be my mom and I caring for him. Sometimes I feel like there are too many cooks in the kitchen. :p
 
I'm sure being home will make Gramps much more comfortable. Don't be afraid to look for help Crabs if it gets too tough for you. He is one lucky Grandpa:)!!
 
Dunno where to find help. My aunt will be here for a week mid Feb. and my sister and her fiance are moving back to California to help out but wont be here till the 3rd of Feb. Not too long from now I suppose. They are coming from NY so I hope the snow fucks off so they can get here.

I've figured out why my mom never made a schedule for who was gonna be here and on what days (me or her). Its cause she wanted me to stay here WITH her. I don't have a car so I'm trapped here. She took me home last night to pick up some more clothes but I'll be here till this weekend I'm sure. I don't get to see my boyfriend or my kitties. He doesn't have a car at the moment either and we don't have the money for one. The bus stop is far away and not ideal. Maybe it could be used a couple of times but not all the time since it doesn't run at night and my grandpa can't be left at home by himself at night yet.

This is a long road that none of us knows what we're in for nor how long. Hopefully once my sister gets here she'll be able to tell what the situation is and maybe get my other sister's ass in gear (I know she has two kids but she has a husband to watch them and she could spare a day on the weekends. She just thinks that since my mom and I don't have jobs, that its our job to care for him even though this is one of the hardest jobs in the world (I'm gonna say worse than a new born baby) AND my mom and I both have health problems (my mom has diabetes and heart disease and I have heart problems, Crohns and a Panic disorder). She just doesn't understand and is a dumb selfish bitch). If you can't tell, I started getting more and more bitter. :p
 
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He has Secure Horizons a CCPN I believe. Many PTs (physical therapists) have told him he should switch to Medicare but he's afraid of Medicare getting a hold of his assets and basically taking his money/stuff.

I don't know enough about either so I don't want to sway him either way until I know which would be best and safest for him financially.
 
CrabbyRelish said:
Dunno where to find help. My aunt will be here for a week mid Feb. and my sister and her fiance are moving back to California to help out but wont be here till the 3rd of Feb. Not too long from now I suppose. They are coming from NY so I hope the snow fucks off so they can get here.

I've figured out why my mom never made a schedule for who was gonna be here and on what days (me or her). Its cause she wanted me to stay here WITH her. I don't have a car so I'm trapped here. She took me home last night to pick up some more clothes but I'll be here till this weekend I'm sure. I don't get to see my boyfriend or my kitties. He doesn't have a car at the moment either and we don't have the money for one. The bus stop is far away and not ideal. Maybe it could be used a couple of times but not all the time since it doesn't run at night and my grandpa can't be left at home by himself at night yet.

This is a long road that none of us knows what we're in for nor how long. Hopefully once my sister gets here she'll be able to tell what the situation is and maybe get my other sister's ass in gear (I know she has two kids but she has a husband to watch them and she could spare a day on the weekends. She just thinks that since my mom and I don't have jobs, that its our job to care for him even though this is one of the hardest jobs in the world (I'm gonna say worse than a new born baby) AND my mom and I both have health problems (my mom has diabetes and heart disease and I have heart problems, Crohns and a Panic disorder). She just doesn't understand and is a dumb selfish bitch). If you can't tell, I started getting more and more bitter. :p
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I understand the situation you are in but can you tone down some of the language? There maybe young children reading these threads. Thanks:)
 
I know I know. I don't usually talk like that on the forum. It was just a really bad day and I didn't care at the time. Hence why I said at the end that I was getting more and more bitter. :p
 
CrabbyRelish said:
I know I know. I don't usually talk like that on the forum. It was just a really bad day and I didn't care at the time. Hence why I said at the end that I was getting more and more bitter. :p
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Don't worry about it Crabby. There are times that it's completely understandable to cuss a bit and this is one of them. All our staff members let some rules be bent on occasion as there's a time and a place for everything.

*hugs*
 
yep, i absolutely agree with David.. our members have great respect for the guidelines and expectations of post content we have here, and for that we are very grateful - makes our lives much easier! but we're human, we are emotional creatures, and sometimes it's ok to blow out the steam, amongst friends.... there's a difference between words like those above, and real offensive cursing..

just a reminder for anyone who does find they have a problem with someone's post - please use the Report button - that's what it's for - and please don't correct the person yourself. that's what we're here for, if we feel it's necessary....

:)
 
Crabby, you just keep hanging in there and feel free to vent whenever and however you like Honey...we've all been frustrated and sometimes you just don't get to choose how it comes out.

Just my two cents on language: Crabby don't sweat it! I myself prefer not to swear but in some cases it's the only thing to do lol! I think we all get the difference and grown-up enough to understand-as far a kids, well my nephews hear worse at school and in movies! :D
 
Thanks guys. I started cursing like a sailor in 7th grade. I'm pretty tame on the forum. :p


Update:

Being a caretaker is frustrating as hell. Like I said before, there are too many cooks in the kitchen. Two who have no idea what they are doing and one who makes stuff up on the spot and then others who are family yet are in another state yet still decide to bark orders and they all want to bark at me. ME. Even when the physical therapist, occupatinal therapist and nurse are here, they mainly address me. Do I have some sort of presence of authority that I'm not aware of? :p

I heard my grandma talking to my parents in the living room while I was helping my grandpa get ready for bed. She said, "...and Jennifer babies him too much..." She's just mad cause we (well, really my grandpa, I stayed out of the conversation) made her do her duty as his wife to wipe down and wash his butt for him. I yelled at them, "I can hear you!" They're so rude sometimes. I'd say more but my Klonopin is kicking in and is making me sleepy. They piss me off was my point I guess and my back hurts from leaning over and helping wash and dress him. I didn't know making sure a person was clean and orderly was babying. I make him do his exercises and no one else will and I force him to take off and put on his own shirt even though his left arm has limited mobility. They should all take a class in common sense cause clearly they have none.

Also, as if I even want to see my grandpa's cock and balls let alone put my hands near them. I can't get the image out of my head. I'm traumatized almost. How is it babying when you're doing something you don't even want to do? I think his coin purse fell on my hand while I was helping (I have him do what he's capable of doing) wash him.
 
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So sad...I took care of my great aunt when she was in hospice at home, dying with colon cancer. Not one of her 3 kids or her other sister did jack. My grandma (her sister) and me did almost everything, from bathing her and washing her hair to changing the ostomy bag and cleaning her up. Her tumor perforated the bowel, and we tended to all of it. She used to thank me and apologize that it was gross. I used to laugh, act like it was no big deal, but I was traumatized, in a way. I think it's always traumatizing to see a family member helpless and naked under these circumstances.

I would think that your grandma and/or other male family members would try to preserve your grandfather's dignity as much as possible under these circumstances...you can only imagine how embarassing this is for him, too, so mean and thoughtless on their part, if you don't mind my saying so. I know how I've felt when I've been too sick or recovering from surgery and my grandmother has had to do some of this stuff for me, even though she did it when I was a baby, though I am very grateful, it's still humiliating.

It has always pissed me off that people with babies gladly will do everything, change diapers, feed, etc., and then somewhere down the road when it's an adult that needs care, well, now it's gross. If a mother refused to change her baby, it would be abusive. But a wife won't help her husband??? Not just a a wifely duty, but as a human being, is that too much??

You are an awesome granddaughter and your grandpa is blessed to have you. Just keep hanging in there, he's making such good progress it'll be worth putting up with the relatives to see him so much better.
 
doing things like this for people we love, is just part of loving them, i think..

i would do absolutely anything for my loved ones - anything! and if it made them a little more comfortable, or helped to speed up their recovery, all the better.

Crabby - i think you are awesome, and you should feel very proud of yourself. your Grandpa couldn't wish for a better grand-daughter. x
 
Oh boy, not a pleasant image, is it? As for taking care if it in real life I feel for you. Can you take comfort in the fact that your grandpa does appreciate all your hard work and sacrifice even if he does not come right out and say it? Your Grandmother's comment is rather beyond belief though. Surely she does not think you enjoy seeing and cleaning your granddad's bits and pieces? I wonder, did your granddad shelter and take very close care of her all their married life? My dad did that with my mom and what joy that was when daddy got sick!
Take care of you too!
Michele
 
Ya he's always taken care of my grandma. She didn't even like having to put lotion on his legs. She's done it ONCE since his stroke on Christmas Eve.

Today was a little rough cause my grandpa is getting frustrated by not being able to move which I understand to a degree (I know I wouldn't be happy). He yelled at my grandma to let me go into the garage and build an arm rest for his wheel chair (one's been ordered but hasn't gotten here yet and I called today and there's still no word and I suggested building him a temp. one). At the end of his yelling rant towards her he said, "...cause she's just like you!" She meaning me. I don't know what he meant by that but all I know is that I'm nothing like her. I know he was just upset and saying whatever came to mind to let off steam. Then not too long later he told me to "suck in that gut." Thanks Grandpa. I already know that I've packed on some weight but I don't need the reminder (he was used to seeing me as skinny kid from the Crohn's, I was underweight). Especially when I'm doing so much for you. I don't even have to be here. I've decided to not take either comment personally but its hard to not get a little upset by it.

My back hurts more today than it did last night. I need him to try harder when he stands with just me there. He'll stand up nice and tall for the therapists but all day with me its half assed and is killing my back. I come from an emotionally and physically abusive household and my patience wears thin sometimes and I don't want to snap at him as an automatic reaction from how I was raised. I've kept my composure so far but I think tomorrow I'll have to have a talk with him about how he puts in more effort for the therapists but his real therapy is here at home and with the people helping him. Any other suggestions would be appreciated on how to get him to do more of the work (for standing up to do transfers).

Sorry for any spelling errors. My grandpa apparently doesn't have a spell check on here.
 
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Oh man Crabby you're bearing the brunt of everything....:(

Argh.........it sounds like Grandpa has chosen you to be his punching bag. I see it time and time again and it is so hard for the member of the family that wears that badge. They are generally the one that does the most for them, is there through thick and thin, does most of the personal care, the running around but somehow can't do anything right! Then in waltzes the son or daughter or grandchild that comes once in a blue moon and the sun shines out of them, it is so heartbreaking and frustrating for that person. It would be great if you had another member of the family to stick up for you to your Grandpa but it sounds like you don't and as hard as it is, sometimes just so it doesn't overwhelm you, you need to say something to him, remind that you are doing the best you can and you at least deserve to be treated with respect. It doesn't have to said in anger or frustration but rather pick a time when you are able to say it calmly and then walk away. It isn't being rude or disrespectful, sometimes the people closest to us need to be reminded that we have feelings too and we are only human.

I think it might be a good idea to talk to the doctor that sees him and the therapists about the issues you are having with his mobility. I wouldn't talk to your Grandpa about it because it will just be more ammunition for him to attack you with, not to mention other family members. Let the doctor and therapists be the bad guys ;), I don't think he will argue with them, and they can reinforce to him that he needs to be consistent with what he is doing for them or he won't be able to stay at home, far better coming from them and leave you out of the picture altogether.

Thinking of you hun, :hug:
Dusty
 
Crabby, I think you should just keep doing what you are doing but the next time Gramps decides to make a little quip at your expense, just smile and rip him a new one (this of course depends if he is still in control of his mental faculties). If he knows what he's saying, he should realize who is doing all the work and the reason you're doing it is out of love.
 
without knowing what your Grandpa's normal character is, and what his mental state is now, i'm talking kinda blind here.. but here's my take on it...

i saw my own father go from a big strong, proud, leader of the family, to a frightened and yes sometimes grumpy, shadow of his former self. it happened quickly, he had a heart attack, still in his working years, and it was the first time i saw him as a vulnerable human being, rather than the big guy who'd always be there to make things better for us..

your Grandpa may well be feeling that same loss of pride, frustration, and embarrassment that he's now in the position he is... but i have to tell you something pretty deep here, Crabby... when my father died, there were two things i consoled myself with, first that i was lucky to have had him as my dad, and secondly that i know i was the best daughter to him i could've been.

these are the important things.. not the little sharp arrows that he might direct at you, and i'm absolutely sure he doesn't mean to hurt you - i think he's kicking off at the world and his body, and certainly the comments of others aren't important, you need to rise above them, hold your head high, because you're doing something amazing, something you will always be proud of yourself for.

i think Dusty's idea of getting the physios to talk to him about his mobility effort with you, is an excellent one.. in fact, i'd take that idea one step further and ask the physio to ask him to demonstrate, with you, how you & he do these manouvres, in front of them, and then they can hopefully comment and advise him to take more of his weight as he might damage your back......
 
Dear Crabby,
Okay, take a deep breath. Another one. As a speech path (that has worked with many stroke patients) I agree 100% with Dusty. Let the PT and the docs be the bad guys. I cannot tell you how many times just those words have come out of my mouth to the caregivers.
I know you are doing this alone. What would grand mom do if you took a weekend off? You only get one back and as you know joint/back problems come with our disease. Adding to this with over use or accidental misuse is a dangerous thing for you. I just worry for your health too.
Please look after yourself,
Michele
 
Sadly I already spoke to him calmly this morning about him not standing up straight for me (I don't have time to get onto the computer very often so I didn't see your responses). He said that he would stand up straighter and has so far but I can see him forgetting easily over the next few days. The occupational therapist is coming today and I'm going to tell her what's been happening and what I said and maybe she could reinforce what I've already said to help drive it home that if he loses me, he'll get less care cause my mom can't handle him by herself.

As far as his rudeness goes, he's old and sometimes when people get older, their minds are like that of a child's and they just lose their filter. So I'm just gonna not let it get to me at all. My grandma on the otherhand I'd like to strangle one of these days. She's driving everyone nuts. Talk about not having a fliter. I'm not gonna give any examples for now, just think of a snot nosed little brat who likes to bark orders and judges everyone and doesn't do their chores.
 
I'm now not allowed to lift my grandpa anymore. Yesterday I lifted him so many times, I can't even count because he wasn't comfortable in any position. He also has noticeable brain damage because his judgement and priorities as of my last lift of him almost resulted in me injuring myself or dropping him. I was able to sit him back down thankfully though and wait for help (my mom was picking my dad up from work at the time as we only have one car). I was feeling tired and sore from all the lifting and decided to have him help with the lift more by putting a stool next to him on his good side for him to use to help stand up (which is what the PT does for him). While he was standing I'd be holding onto thim with one hand (like the PT does cause he does most of the work for the PT) and then reposition his butt donut so it isn't forcing his hip up (which has degenerative arthritis and is very painful). As I was doing the one handed move, I could feel him leaning on me A LOT and had to stop what I was doing to check to see what's going on and he's taken his hand off the stool to brush back his hair and is leaning on me like the Tower of Pisa. I think I almost yelled at him to help sit back down because my back and arms were giving out as I was lifting almost his full weight (minus his feet off the floor).

My lungs hurt today like I did a marathon or something and my heart went off 6 times yesterday when normally on this beta blocker I'm taking it will go off once every few days or so. The day before this happened I had sharp glass like pains accross my belly which almost put my ass on the floor but thankfully the pain went away quickly. Now my Crohn's and heart are acting up. I told my mom and she doesn't want me to lift him anymore, I couldn't even if I wanted to. My sister who's coming to take my place is caught up in the stupid snow storm but says she'll reach NM today. I'm less tired today but feel like an over worked horse.

I can help with minor stuff but can't do anything that involves lifting or if I feel like its too much I have to have my mom or Grandma do it. Knowing that they will be taking on my load makes me sad and my Grandpa feels bad that I feel so bad. I was crying when I told him last night that I couldn't help move him anymore (I can't even do a two person assist move). Let's hope he does his part and stands up straight for my mom (she has a heart condition worse than mine and diabetes). I felt faint all day yesterday from the lack of sleep and being over worked. A few days rest and I should be fine to help show my sister how to handle him when they get here.

Edit: How do we help his depression? I know they need something to look forward to but what is there to look forward to? Sorry, I was depressed before he even had his stroke and I'm still dealing with it myself. Haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks at least.
 
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Crabby- it doesn't sound to me like your mum or grandma will be 'taking on your load'. You are doing so much for your grandad, it's about time they pulled their weight. You need to look after yourself first, else you will not be able to help at all!

As for your grandad's depression, I really don't know what to suggest, except is he getting out and about in a chair at all? I remember when an elderly friend of my dad's had to go in a home, she really enjoyed simple things like going out to the shops, anything to get a bit of fresh air and get rid of the cooped up feeling.
 
We don't leave him lying in bed all day. He usually doesn't even take his nap (if he gets a nap) in his bed. We take him outside in the yard if the weather is good where he can play with his kitty (Grandma hates the cat in the house).

He was able to shrug his shoulder today. We ask each other stupid questions like where's this person or that thing and say, "I dunno" while we shrug our shoulders. He laughs and smiles every time he lifts that left shoulder.
 
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Sorry I didn't mean to imply he was in bed all day! I meant are you able to take him out and about the neighbourhood, away from the house completely? If you do that already then just ignore me!

That's good news about his shoulder though.
 
I can't cause of the steep driveway and two, my mom and Grandma don't want him getting in a car unless he has to. So far it takes 3 people to get him in and out of a car so we have to wait for my dad to be home from work to do it but no one seems to want to do it unless there's a reason (for some people getting out and about for a bit isn't reason enough).
 
My sister and her fiance finally came to help. My sister and I are already butting heads cause I've been there since the day of his stroke and she apparently doesn't want to learn from me. She said that she doesn't like my attitude. I don't like her's either. I was going to take my Grandpa's blood sugar before he ate dinner and I needed either her or her fiance to watch but her fiance didn't say a word nor budge when I said that one of them needs to come and watch. My sister told me to hold on while she got herself a glass with ice and then filled it with water so she could take a drink. She was telling me to wait but what she was really doing was telling my grandpa to wait because he can't eat until the blood test is done. That made me mad. Bathroom emergency, fine, pointless sips of water when I never had the chance to do that, not fine.

So as soon as we got into the room that had the blood test supplies. The first thing I said to her in a firm tone was, "One thing you'll learn about being here is that you do not come first." That pissed her off and sent her arguing while I was trying to show her what to do. Guess she doesn't like being told what to do by ME personally or she's mad at herself for knowing that she was in the wrong. I doubt its the latter though. Sure it was a bitchy thing to say by the way it sounds but in truth, I'm tired, my back hurts and I or my grandpa don't have time for pointless shit. What I said is true but I guess some people can't handle being spoken to so bluntly. Some people need it though. And honestly, it was a warning as well because I don't think they know how serious this is especially since they were putting jeans on him this morning so my mom says. He can dress himself but can't if he's in jeans. He's not their little doll to dress plus he has PT today and will need to change again for that.

My sister and her finance are like the same person really and I don't think either one of them likes the fact that I've grown a spine. I sent her fiance a text thanking him for taking our grandpa outside because he really wanted to go out but my back was hurting too much to take him down the ramp. I never got a response back which normally I would have.

So far I don't know when I'll be going back to help. All I know is that I feel weird about leaving him in their hands. My mom is still there but she doesn't help with his PT or getting ready in the morning. I'm just hoping that he wont let them do everything for him cause then he's just relying on other people.
 
My sister and I are fine btw.

How do you go about getting your life back? Can we get our lives back? Are we caretakers till the end of time? He says he wont go to church until he can walk again. He still can't move his leg other than kicking it straight out because of the spasticity. This is obviously a long road but, what about MY life? In a way its a selfish thing to ask but if you've ever been a caregiver or at least understand the aspects of being one with limited help, then you'd understand why I'd want to have my life back or at least some form of it ya know?
 
Yes, you can have your life & be a caregiver. Your life may not be 100% the way it was before but you can see glimmers of it. The problem is letting go of the things other people can/will do for the patient/family member. This is very hard to do! It also depends greatly on the patient/family member. What are they able to do verses what are they willing to do for themselves.
It is a rough road you are traveling, my friend. I am so glad that you & your sister worked it out.
Michele
 
My boyfriend and I were talking about it and I think I'm going to call and talk to my dad about doing more ranges of motion with his arm and being a little more forceful in helping my grandpa push through the pain. See, my grandpa describes his pain at a 4 or 5 out of the 1-10 scale and my boyfriend and I think that because of the stroke, perhaps my grandpa is acting a little more childish when it comes to pain. When you haven't moved an area of your body for a long time, it tenses up and can be painful to move again. My grandpa doesn't seem to understand this and says that the pain is only from arthritis and wants to take arthritis medication again first. The problem with that is that many if not all arthritis medications thin your blood and he's already on an intense blood thinner and his doctors don't allow him to take anything else that thins his blood. Also, before he had the stroke, his arthritis wasn't hurting him as bad as his joints hurt now. This is more proof that the lack of movement is the main cause of the pain. There's no doubt that arthritis is affecting him but he was never told that he had arthritis in his shoulder. That pain didn't come until after the stroke. But you also have to keep in mind that when he had the stroke, he fell and fell another time while in the care of the home he was staying at. Both falls could have injured his shoulder yet no one has taken an x-ray of it or an MRI. I think the reason why they haven't done either is because the pain isn't that great for one and two, some days it doesn't hurt that bad. From what I've noticed is that the more he uses it, the more it hurts. That doesn't say injury to me or anyone else. That says lack of movement is the main culprit of his pain. How do I get him to realize this?

But as I said earlier, he needs help in pushing past the pain. I tried telling him to think of a babbling brook going by and as I pulled his arm back to imagine his fingers gently brushing the top of the water. I don't think he was imagining anything other than focusing on the pain. I couldn't finish the range of motion in his shoulder because he said, "ouch" yet again and pulled his whole arm back and coddled it with his other arm to his chest and looked at me with hate like a little kid. If the pain is so great, you don't normally form words like ouch. I've seen him in pain before (while in the home when his movement first started to return and when they first began physical therapy) and that was not a sound that ever left his lips.

On Monday, we'll call his doctor and ask if he can have another pain killer since Tylenol does nothing for the pain and the Vicoden makes him too tired to do anything. There are pain killers in between that may be more beneficial. I also want to contact the doctor and ask if there are any arthritis medications out there that do not thin the blood. Even a weaker dose of something is better than nothing.
 
I just spoke to my dad and he just finished working with my grandpa's range of motion in the way I had planned. So that's good that we're on the same page.
 
How are you going with all this Crabby?

It is very common for stroke sufferers to develop what is called a subluxed shoulder. Due to the effect of the stroke on muscles it causes the shoulder to become partially dislocated as the top of the humerus falls out of the shoulder joint. It's a double edged sword, if the sufferer has a flaccid hemiplegia the muscles just can't hold the weight of the arm into the shoulder joint and if you have a spastic hemiplegia the tightening of the muscles into abnormal positions can pull the arm out of the joint.

It is easy to see if this is happening with your Grandpa. When you look at the shoulder rather than having a normal rounded appearance you will see a hollow has developed between the top of the shoulder to where you can actually see the the rounded shape that is the top of the humerus........

file_1784.gif


I tried to find an image of an older person but they only had younger people! But this should give you some idea.

Just a thought,
Dusty
 
I am so glad that you are getting some help, Crabby. I agree that you also need to take care of yourself. You seem like a very loving person, I truly hope that you have the health and strength to continue on.
 
Thankfully his shoulder isn't like that Dusty. My dad's father's (my Grandfather, my Grandpa is my mom's dad) shoulder was like that after his stroke before he passed away. He never regained movement on his left side after his two strokes.

I'm trying to cope but my family makes it difficult. We're all having a hard time dealing with this and I don't think we need to be picking on each other even for comic relief. My sister's fiance tries to get me mad by getting in pointless arguments with me cause getting me upset is amusing some how and my mom seems to be doing the same thing. I don't like being called fat or having people think that my boyfriend hurts himself on purpose to gets pain meds. My family has always been negative and I wish they would shape up a bit at least in this type of situation.

I'm gonna try and make an appointment with my therapist again maybe for next week or the week after. I haven't seen her in over a month. I'm curious if she'll notice a change in me. I know I've become bitter and more depressed.
 
Thanks Dallies! Gwatches is on his way again. Now that I have a little more time on my hands and as the depression subsides a bit, I'll be able to do normal activities again. So far I've been spending my free time relaxing and watching anime all day. :p
 
Update:

Grandpa can now bend and raise his left knee. I was there helping him do the exercise the night the movement came back but yet my sister and her fiance get all this praise because they help him walk with the walker. Well, really her fiance does, apparently my sister doesn't do too much when I'm not here so says my grandpa. Seeing his facial expression at hearing about how he has new movement was always priceless because he was simply overjoyed.

He has ankle movement too and shoulder movement but its very slow. His response time is at least 3 seconds which makes me wonder if he'll ever be able to drive again. I think not but I guess I'm only being negative cause I'm in a negative environment and I'm bitter and in a lot of pain and my back is currently going numb while I'm sitting here typing.

Basically he has all his movement back but it needs to be fine tuned, strenthened and get that response time up to par. His movement came back days ago but I'm not able to come on here that much anymore unfortunately. :(

Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading.
 
Update:

Here's a message that I left for my family members:

I'm going to talk to my mom about this soon but I want you, Jeanette and Bill to start thinking about better ways of caring for your father. Once Tamara and Anthony start working again, it will be too much work for my mom, and and I to handle and its not fair to my mom or me to force us to care for grandpa simply because we don't have jobs. We had lives of our own and want them back just like everyone else does. I'm not trying to be rude or anything I just know that I cannot do this for much longer because both my physical and mental health are being affected negatively and I know the same thing is happening to my mom. You guys really need to all get together and figure out a better solution cause once Tamara, Anthony and I are out of the picture, its just my mom and that's not acceptable. In all honesty I feel taken advantage of because I'm not working and I fear for my own safety because grandpa's mind is unstable and I fear he will harm me or someone else at some point during physical therapy due to the pain he's in. His recovery could take many more months to many years if at all and I am not willing to go on much further. I don't know how much longer I can do this but I'm letting you all know now that I'm reaching a breaking point and will eventually stop being one of his caregivers. Its unfortunate but this isn't fair to my parents and I.
 
Good for you! I think it's well thought out and respectful, while at the same time you're standing up for your Mom and yourself. I know it's no easy task, having been there myself, but it's a big step in the right direction for you.
 
My boyfriend slipped and fell when he got out of the shower today hurting his back and needs me at home so I'm not going to go over to my Grandpa's for a while. I haven't been wanting to go back there for a long time now and I guess as sad a story it is, this is my ticket out. It will be just my parents, grandma and sister and fiance (until they both get jobs) now which isn't enough people. Hopefully they'll get their act together soon and get my Grandpa the care he really needs and sadly, that care is not at home.
 
Haven't updated this in a month.

Shit's hitting the fan. My mom just quit today. Luckily her brother and wife were visiting this week but there's no plans for my grandpa yet. At this point, I don't care what happens to him. I heard some VERY disturbing things from my mom today that she never mentioned and now I see my grandpa as a completely different person. Apparently he was a child molester. He also took care of my sisters and I for almost a year when we were very young because we were taken away from our parents by the courts. He could have done something to any of us and I don't even remember. I don't know how to feel or what to say. All I know is that I'm pretty sure he's going into a home soon and I'm not going to see him or my grandma for quite some time. I knew my family was messed up but I didn't know it was this bad. I'm done with this shit.
 
I don't know what to say other than, I'm sorry this is happening. Here is a hug from me.:hug:
 
Thanks Andi. :)

My mom went to the police station to make a report but they said to contact Adult Protective Services. They didn't arrest her or anything (there are still people at the house caring for him but only for a few more days). I called my uncle's wife who is there and she said that she contacted Adult Protective Services and they said they couldn't do anything about it today because there are people there capable of caring for him. Maybe tomorrow they said if my uncle says that they are leaving sooner and that there wont be anyone there (besides my grandma, have no idea what's going to happen to her).

Edit: We did SO MUCH for them for 4 months and we get accused of just wanting money for helping out and criticized and there's no thanks or love at all in that God awful home.
 
My uncle and his wife filed a police report against my mom saying that she "abandoned" him. I hate my fucking family. It's disgusting.
 
Jeez, Crabby, what a lot of crap this all is! I don't understand the American system, but filing police reports against a person from a family member sounds horrendous. What a lot of blame being put on your mom, and by extension, you. And finding out about, and dealing with, childhood sexual abuse is more than enough to cope with, thank you very much. And to reduce all your care and time to issues of money...what a slap in the face.

Having rage against your family makes total sense...at this point, I'd be ready to hurl something vicious their way.

Take good care of yourself and your own health.

Kismet
 
Thank you Kismet. It was hard to fall asleep last night cause I couldn't stop thinking about all this crap. I left a nasty message on facebook (private message) telling my Uncle and his wife what for. It's all a huge slap in the face. I'll call my mom later today after my appointment to see if she's heard anything. I have no desire to speak to my grand parents or my uncle and his wife ever again. I also have no plans on visiting either if they go into a home. Thing is, from what I'm told, is that if this all goes into the hands of the state, then the state will take away ALL of their assets, their house, cars and anything else. I bet my Uncle and his wife didn't tell them that before they did all of this. Losers.
 
I don't doubt that you had a hard time falling asleep. The mental torment that family crap brings is HUGE! After all the work that you've done, your uncle and aunt's behaviour must be such a slap in the face. Particularly at a time when none of your other family members were stepping up to the plate, and with all your serious health concerns. I understand why you did what you did (helping out with your grandpa when he got ill), but I can't for the life of me understand family members who are selfish, ungrateful, unkind, and have not a gracious or generous bone in their body. Those family members (and I have quite a sprinkling of them in my own lineage!) cultivate a lot of homicidal fantasies in my head!

Congratulations on giving your uncle and his wife a piece of your mind...it'll be interesting to see how their decisions might potentially come bite them in the ass!
 
My dad just called me to let me know that my mom went to the police station today (not arrested) to see what was going on. She spoke with two officers and was told that the charges against her had been dropped because they held no weight. Now the state has to deal with my grandparents and will most likely seize all their assets so I bet my uncle and his wife are trying to take everything they can from the house, maybe even try and get the house and the cars into their name. Assholes.
 
Woah, Crabbers, I've missed something here (haven't been replying much but I have been thinking about you and family). What a tough tough tough situation. I don't know what else to say, so I'll send a few virtual *hugs* instead.
 

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