My husband said he wants his old wife back? How can I find her?
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Oh chick, what a horrid situation to be in, I really feel for you.
TMos is right though, your husband is being selfish. Nobody would choose to make themselves ill in the way you are ill, unfortunately illness is stressful for people, its hard to deal with, but at the end of the day, its not your fault and your husband needs to realize that. You deserve love and you need love most when you're ill, your husband should be giving that to you instead of stressing you out and upsetting you and making your illness even worse. Your husband should know this.
You have all my love hunny, I really hope things get better for you soon
Take care of yourself, and never blame yourself. Its not your fault.
xxx
TMos is right though, your husband is being selfish. Nobody would choose to make themselves ill in the way you are ill, unfortunately illness is stressful for people, its hard to deal with, but at the end of the day, its not your fault and your husband needs to realize that. You deserve love and you need love most when you're ill, your husband should be giving that to you instead of stressing you out and upsetting you and making your illness even worse. Your husband should know this.
You have all my love hunny, I really hope things get better for you soon
Take care of yourself, and never blame yourself. Its not your fault.
xxx
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Sheesh. He needs a swift kick in the rear. Have you mentioned to your husband the possibility of him checking out this site?
It's obvious to me he has NO clue when it comes to how chronic illnesses affect people. There is a link between active chronic illness and depression. Not saying you are depressed, but the fact that those two things are linked just goes to show how emotionally (not to mention physically) affected we can be.
I agree with what the other two have said. Support is one of the most important aspects of dealing with this disease. If your husband really wants his "old wife" back, then he should stop being so selfish and work on trying to be more supportive and loving to you!
I am assuming you've had many conversations with him about how all these comments must make you feel. If it doesn't seem to be working I would contact a counselor ASAP. There are professionals who specialize in chronic diseases and helping families to understand and cope with it.
If you feel you've done everything YOU can, you should seek professional, objective help. Good luck!
It's obvious to me he has NO clue when it comes to how chronic illnesses affect people. There is a link between active chronic illness and depression. Not saying you are depressed, but the fact that those two things are linked just goes to show how emotionally (not to mention physically) affected we can be.
I agree with what the other two have said. Support is one of the most important aspects of dealing with this disease. If your husband really wants his "old wife" back, then he should stop being so selfish and work on trying to be more supportive and loving to you!
I am assuming you've had many conversations with him about how all these comments must make you feel. If it doesn't seem to be working I would contact a counselor ASAP. There are professionals who specialize in chronic diseases and helping families to understand and cope with it.
If you feel you've done everything YOU can, you should seek professional, objective help. Good luck!
my thoughts? go look in the mirror, tell yourself how important you are, how proud of yourself you are, and that you know you're doing the best you can... and then go deal with your husband. you might be surprised that you already have your own words to say, and don't need our advice..
Terriernut
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Mary, I divorced my first hubby for just this sort of thing. My first major attack of Crohns, I'm on the bathroom floor, vomiting blood, lost 30lbs by then, never mind what was coming out the other end, he opens the door....looks at me and says "cut the crap Misty and sort yourself out. What are you whining about now???" I'm not a whinner. I had a fistula thru my fallopian tube, perforated bowel, etc and no pain meds in Dec thank you, so I dont qualify as a whimp!
Needless to say, I never looked back from getting rid of that *wat of jerk of a husband! But I will say this to you, I did go on antidepressants for a while and it helped me immensely. When you get down, and no doubt you are, they can help you for a while till you get yourself back to health physically. The last thing you need right now is stress from hubby, and antidepressants can help you deal with it while you get better.
Hoping for the best for you....and heres something for hubby: :voodoo:
Misty
Needless to say, I never looked back from getting rid of that *wat of jerk of a husband! But I will say this to you, I did go on antidepressants for a while and it helped me immensely. When you get down, and no doubt you are, they can help you for a while till you get yourself back to health physically. The last thing you need right now is stress from hubby, and antidepressants can help you deal with it while you get better.
Hoping for the best for you....and heres something for hubby: :voodoo:
Misty
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If he can'tt accept you as you are than he's not worth to have you. He's not be all or end all either. There's a big pond full of fish right outside your house All need to do is show up on the bank and they will jump out of the water and hop right into your bucket. I had to part with my ex-wife due to my illness once and it wasn't easy. Wish you best of luck. Take care. x
All need to do is show up on the bank and they will jump out of the water and hop right into your bucket. I had to part with my ex-wife due to my illness once and it wasn't easy. Wish you best of luck. Take care. x- Joined
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Mary i know how u feel, my hubby said he understood, but working away he did not see me in the week only at weekends
and because we were not having sex because i was always fightened of markin the bed or passing wind and of course sometime a lot not wanting sex
i found out new years eve he was wearin ladies underwear while away and hurt me by saying he also had a blow up doll, so after 34years married i kicked his ass out of my house
as my parents said he cannot deal with illness as what i did not know he was awfull to people when i had 2 bowel operations
u take care
and because we were not having sex because i was always fightened of markin the bed or passing wind and of course sometime a lot not wanting sex
i found out new years eve he was wearin ladies underwear while away and hurt me by saying he also had a blow up doll, so after 34years married i kicked his ass out of my house
as my parents said he cannot deal with illness as what i did not know he was awfull to people when i had 2 bowel operations
u take care
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I guess if you cannot accept those sexual deviancies that might be a dealbreaker, Chris, but I'd be happy to know my husband was finding ways to satisfy himself sexually when I don't feel up to it. At least he isn't seeking an extramarital affair instead. I know many people are unaccepting of porn and the like, but so long as my husband is getting his kicks without physically involving anyone besides me, I'm A-OK with it. My illness doesn't cure him of his sex drive, so I think it's healthy for both of us if he's able to keep himself happy in that area while still remaining loyal to me. Also makes me feel marginally less guilty about not feeling up to sex.
Mary, have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about what he means with this comment and also how it makes you feel? I'm hopeful that he doesn't realize the effect a callous statement like that can have on you. If you haven't told him, do. Figure out if it's the illness itself that's wearing him out (in which case, screw him), or your mood that goes along with it or what. I know depression so easily accompanies chronic illness (especially when we don't have support), but if that's a large part of what's bothering him, there are definitely steps you can take to get help in that area - counseling, antidepressants, etc. It wont be an overnight "fix" but if he's got a supportive bone in his body, maybe seeing that you're trying will be enough to get him to get over himself and be there for you.
Mary, have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about what he means with this comment and also how it makes you feel? I'm hopeful that he doesn't realize the effect a callous statement like that can have on you. If you haven't told him, do. Figure out if it's the illness itself that's wearing him out (in which case, screw him), or your mood that goes along with it or what. I know depression so easily accompanies chronic illness (especially when we don't have support), but if that's a large part of what's bothering him, there are definitely steps you can take to get help in that area - counseling, antidepressants, etc. It wont be an overnight "fix" but if he's got a supportive bone in his body, maybe seeing that you're trying will be enough to get him to get over himself and be there for you.
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Thanks everyone. There are other issues in our relationship like everyone..I guess. I have extreme health anxiety...and now having Crohn's is making it worse. We are also having financial issues and have 2 teenagers. Life has been soooo difficult. Thank YOU ALL so much for all your support. I really don't have much family and the 2 people I could count on (my dad and brother) have passed away. They were always there for me when I was sick and now I dont have them. Funny how we all can connected on the internet and feel wanted and understood. THANK YOU!!!
AndiGirl
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I don't think that I have any advice that you probably haven't heard already. My husband is patient, but I think even then my CD can get to him. I would probably say, "You want your wife back. . . Well, I want my quality of life back. Nobody in their right mind would want an illness period; let alone one that has so many embarrassing quirks."
ameslouise
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Oh, Mary, I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru this. I think all of our spouses would love to have the old us back, meaning that they hate to see us go thru such pain and suffering. But how this message is delivered can seem very callous. I know my disease is rough for my husband, esp in the sexual arena. I like Lorraine's comment that "my disease does not sure him of his sex drive." I try my best to keep him happy in the ways I can right now....
Agreed that a long heart-to-heart seems in order.
Good luck. -Amy
Agreed that a long heart-to-heart seems in order.
Good luck. -Amy
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Hi Mary, so sorry you're going through this! I've always been of the opinion that many marital problems express themselves in the bedroom first. My guess is the issue is not just about sex; I would imagine that there are underlying issues the two of you have. Just an idea but maybe counselling would help?
The lack of sensitivity to your feelings is terrible, and definitely needs to be addressed.
I think a good sex life is based on feeling safe and secure with your partner, and also a good sense of humor. My husband and I have a very satisfying sex life; he's attuned to how I'm physically feeling; often we just make out and cuddle. It makes us feel close. When I'm up for a romp I feel secure that if there's some incident with Crohn's-leaving skidmarks, fistula issues, you name it...we both just have to laugh about it! (sorry if that's TMI, lol).
The lack of sensitivity to your feelings is terrible, and definitely needs to be addressed.
I think a good sex life is based on feeling safe and secure with your partner, and also a good sense of humor. My husband and I have a very satisfying sex life; he's attuned to how I'm physically feeling; often we just make out and cuddle. It makes us feel close. When I'm up for a romp I feel secure that if there's some incident with Crohn's-leaving skidmarks, fistula issues, you name it...we both just have to laugh about it! (sorry if that's TMI, lol).
