Ostomy jokes

[nogutsnoglory]

I figured I need a way to cope with my new bag and I think humor is the healthiest way. Here are some jokes I came up with but please add to the list.

My ostomy bag is the shit.

You know what they say about big stomas...

 

[DJW]

Glad to see you're embracing the lighter side.

 

[evescott]

I always say that I get far less reading done these days

 

[2thFairy]

i always say that i get far less reading done these days

truth!!!

 

[2thFairy]

"Wanna see what I had for lunch?"

 

[nogutsnoglory]

I can be inappropriate and fart in public. Sorry no control over my ostofarts.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

NGNG, you got an ostomy?? I apparently missed that! Not sure if I should send my congratulations or condolences (or both?) - but I know you were doing poorly for a long time, so I hope this gives you a good quality of life.

I don't have an ostomy, so I don't really have a joke, but here's a sorta-related funny story that I think you guys will appreciate. When I was a kid, one day I was picking at my belly button. My dad told me (obviously joking, but I took it seriously at the time) that if I push inside my belly button too hard, that my guts will come flying out of it. That freaked me out so bad, and for years afterwards I was always VERY gentle with my belly button because I did not want to activate whatever mechanism would magically cause my guts to eject. When I finally realized that I had been lied to, I was so mad! But, if I ever wind up with an ostomy, I'm totally going to tell my dad that it was because I messed with my belly button too much and my guts came flying out. Ha ha.

 

[2thFairy]

I tell people to eat lots of fiber and not to strain or your guts will pop out like mine did.

 

[nogutsnoglory]

Cat it was definitely no choice but a necessity. I'm definitely very upset about it but trying to find the lighter side of a horrible situation.

Your story is funny and you can blame your dad that not massaging your belly button enough caused crohns because your guts needed loving.

 

[Jim (POPS)]

nogutsnoglory , glad to see how you are handling this. I had a bag for 10months or so and when I would go to lunch with some friends that knew I had the bag but never saw it, I would put up my shirt and ask if they would lie to see my stoma. I used a clear bag.

Also, my wife and I had bags at the same time and I would sometimes ask here if she wanted to "Bump Bags". I don't think she liked me saying that. lol..............

Jim (POPS)

 

[nogutsnoglory]

Thanks Jim. Haha bumping bags

I found this funny ostomy slang dictionary http://www.awestomy.com/newostomy-slang-dictionary/

 

[2thFairy]

I found this funny ostomy slang dictionary http://www.awestomy.com/newostomy-slang-dictionary/

Brilliant!!

 

[semicolon306]

I always tell people I am lucky - If I am going to drown I can scared the S*&T out of myself and float to shore

I am also tell people I am one of the few with a airbag device when I am on my motorcycle

ADULT HUMOR - I tell the ladies I finally have 10 inches - to bad it fills with S*%T

Humor is the best medicine