Pushing everyone away

[bboyzeez]

hi all,

so i have had crohns now for 8 years since i was 15,but i have so many things i keep hidden and dont tell anyone i feel like im trapped.

throughout the first few years my parents both supported me and attended hospital appointments etc but then when i was 21 i was told i need a scan to see if there was some abnormalities....i ended up standing there supporting my mom who was doing her best not to break down in front of me and i know when she got home she did...ever since that and my last overnight stay in hospital , i have put on my happy smiling face , i attend all appointments and recently went for my MRI scan alone . i feel not bringing them with me i get to choose what i tell them to hide them from any upsetting news.

i have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and she talks of having a house together getting married and having kids.... i cant tell her anything because i cant let myself break down i am the male and supposed to support her.

i struggle to work everyday due to not being well, which makes it hard on me to raise enough money for a mortgage, how could i have a child and if they got diagnosed crohns how could i look at them without saying im sorry i gave you crohns? and see them go through what im going through?

i think i have kept so much bottled in that its finally becoming to much to keep in and im hoping that by writing it on here it helps get it off my chest even just a little. i had no intention of actually posting this just to write it helped get it off my chest but now i am curious to see what advice comes back as im sure im not alone with this

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

You can't keep everything bottled up like this, the stress of it will only make you feel worse. I'm glad you were at least able to get everything out on here.

First of all, take things one at a time - you're still young, there's plenty of time to figure out house and kids and all that stuff. I didn't buy my house until I was 28 and even that felt like rushing it to me! I'm 33 now and still not quite sure if I want kids (probably not, but I do hear the clock ticking). Just try to relax, you don't need to have it all figured out right now.

Does your girlfriend work? Does she know how stressful it is for you to work every day on top of being ill? It sounds to me like you haven't shared a lot of this with your girlfriend, and I think it might be beneficial if you showed her what you wrote here. She can't help you if she doesn't know what's going on. Honestly, and I don't mean to sound harsh here, but how can you think about marrying her when you can't be honest with her? You need to let her know about all of this. Sit down with her and talk this out, your fears about not being able to provide the life she envisions, and about possibly passing on your genes to the next generation. You can't remain silent about this and then marry her and then have it come out - that's not fair to you or to her.

I know to some extent we all put on the happy face and act like everything is okay when it really isn't, but the people closest to you need to have some clue as to what's going on so that they can help you and support you.

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

I can agree that what many of us on here deal with from day to day is quite the challenge. Many of us have harder times than others. But, many of us choose to have the support of family and friends.

Sharing the challenges we face isn't always easy and even can be scary at first. I've been married to my husband for over 13 years. Got to admit that he's seen a lot more with me than we ever expected. But, we vowed to love each other in sickness and in health when we got married.

I admit that I don't tell my parents everything that happens with me. I pick and choose a bit sometimes partly to not worry them and partly because they already have so much happening with my 3 living grandparents. But, I also know that if there's something important happening with me that they would want to know. My mom has even told me that even if there's nothing they can do for us that at least they can pray.

I do hope that you'll find comfort here no matter what you decide. Take care and sending hugs your way.

 

[SarahBear]

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been dealing with. Have things gotten any better?

It's awful that you're in a position where you feel like you need to be strong for everyone. That's very tough - holding in your emotions just makes you feel worse, physically and emotionally. Could you look into counseling, so that you have some sort of an outlet? Are you certain that your girlfriend wouldn't be understanding and accepting if you opened up to her about all of your concerns?

It would be awful to have a child who ended up having Crohn's as well. I understand how you feel there - I'd likely feel guilty as well, as if it were my fault. I just tell myself that there are going to be kids who have it. That's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. If I have a child who happens to be one of those kids, then they're unlucky, yes - but they're also lucky that they have a parent who can understand what they're going through and knows what to watch for, what to be concerned about, and how to react to those things.

It sounds as if it really might help you to talk to your girlfriend, at least a little bit. It sounds like you're feeling pressured to give her those things (the house, the kids) when you're just not in a place to do that comfortably. If you're not being completely open with her, she probably thinks you're ready for these things too. Talking about it might make things easier for both of you.

I hope things get better for you. :hug:

 

[bboyzeez]

Thanks to the last two replies erm I have spoke to my girlfriend about some things and ye I'm not rushing to get a house etc I suppose if she can't understand that then that's fine

As for the kid issue you see I don't take tablets to control my crohns I take cannabis and that's my problem if my child had crohns I know a child can't take cannabis and would have to take tablets and get even worse and would have to see them grow up with more struggles than I did but I guess ye just worry about that when it comes to it

I have since making this post gotten in touch with a local group for crohns and colitis so I am meeting other people with the same issues which is nice lol