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Sparky

Joined
Sep 16, 2008
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I'm just musing really, curious to know others thoughts.

I'm 38 years old, and mostly feel quite young. My husband is 10 years older than me, it's never mattered. My boy is nearly 10, and we're a very happy little family.

I looked at myself naked today. I knew I was thin (not eating much due to minor flare, lots of codeine killing my appetite, etc).

I felt seriously ugly. Tiny ****s, hip-bones sticking out, slightly distended tummy that looks bizarre given how small the rest of me is (I'm 5'8", slight frame)

Normally, I don't give the way I look a thought. I quite like my face (I'm a long way from beautiful, but I don't scare people ), and I usually just see my body as a machine that functions.

I just wished tonight that for once, I could have the lush, curvy body that I want. The only time I had cleavage worth mentioning was when pregnant (36HH - they needed their own postcode).

This is so trivial. I'd just love to look in the mirror and feel all curvy and womanly, rather than like this lanky angular person. DH isn't bothered - he likes me better when I'm less thin, but accepts that there ain't a lot I can do - he's more troubled by the fact that I'm not getting any fun out of food at the mo.

Hacked off tonight - having tried on lots of clothes they're all too big, or require cleavage that I don't have.

I WANT CURVES, DAMN IT!! :lol:
 
I hear ya. I'm always underweight. I miss my butt which I used to get
compliments on. :lol:
You're definitely NOT the only one!

Oh, not to mention the 'moonface' and acne that Pred has given me.
FUN TIMES.
 
now you see, I've NEVER had a bum - mine has always been flat! I used to have ****s though :)

Glad it's not just me, as I said fortunately DH isn't bothered. I would just LOVE to look really hot for once - rather than looking too skinny, tired, and a bit washed out!
 
I can definitely relate Sparky. I have not been able to get my weight back to what I would like, for almost a year now. I've dropped about 15lbs and on someone that's only 5'2" that's quite a bit. All my clothes are too big. My husband can tell when he hugs me, that I keep loosing weight. He still tells me how good I look, but I know it just isn't the same since I don't have as much "meat" on my bones. I hate that I can't gain the weight back, but when I try to eat more, I start hurting, so I have to eat really small amounts of food to not hurt. Take Care!
 
It's normal to question your appearance, when I first got diagnosed I was too skinny and very white and pale, than I went on pred became fat and got tons of acne. Wherever you are at, love yourself, because you are beautiful on the inside and no magazine can take that piece of dignity away.
 
sparky, i swear we could be twins.

i have never had a butt either! always teeny tiny, i call it Upside Down Triangle Syndrome lol. cause my actual hip bones (not womanly "hips") are the widest part of me, its all smaller below that. very hard to find jeans that dont slide down all the time!
and also the ****s!! ahh last year around this time i was reaching a healthier weight and went from an A to slightly larger than a D in just a few months! everyone was like "WHOA howw did you do that!" it was so amazing, and being 5' 4" and thin, i looked even more busty lol. but now i have lost 20 pounds since septemeber and now am back to my A cup :( so sad.
i have looked at myself in the mirror too. i feel like a skeleton with all my bones stiicking out.
i see pictures of myself from this last summer and miss feeling pretty too.

however, i guess we just have to look forward to being healthy again. and appreciate those who think we're pretty even when we feel so insecure :)
 
Hi Sparky,

I wish I were thin... but I am a heavy normal meaning Pred has the potential to make me fat. So far not - because I eat less on Pred and think about food more.

Every time the good Dr. writes out a script for the dreaded Prednisone my heart sinks as I know my face expands on that med. I ask for entocourt and that doesn't affect my weight at all. This time because the crohns affected my mouth, lips, nose I am on Prednisone and know I need it desparately. I understand it is a lifesaver but still..... it is hard to take. We all understand.
 
Hi sparky! I know just how you feel, I'm 5'2 and pretty thin now (114lbs)hip bones, just like kello, are the widest part of my body and none of my clothes fit anymore and my jeans just slip off of me. Never really had too much of a butt but I did have a d cup size which is pretty much down to a b. i feel like a skeleton with all my bones sticking out, and thats what my mother calls me every once in awhile. i'm also super pale now, like as WHITE AS THIS PAGE and i'm usually quite tan.

i think everyone hopes to be up to a healthy weight again, but until then we should just love ourselves reguardless because no one can tell us we aren't beautiful :)
 
Drew's doc removed the breast tissue, but the vagina is clearly intact, though the picture was upside-down... :eek2:


Anyways, as a guy who used to work out religiously as more or less a bodybuilder, and I fueled myself as I do a car, I can state that my focus on appearance is ever-present. I'm so angry I'm still a paltry 168 lbs and have what we bodybuilders call "girl arms" (no explanation needed)....I had aspirations to have a 220 lb lean 8% bodyfat physique, and of all the diseases to get...I was well on my way to having most of the muscle with some trimming to do and this b*tch of a disease started. I get a lot of comments on how lean my face looks because I have a nice jaw line or whatever they mention, and I just shrug them off and tell them that's not my goal. Not only that, but a colostomy bag doesn't jive with bodybuilding either...blah To me, a bodyweight is a status, it's a point in progression, as is the rest of my physique, so I dwell on it much more than my family or gf do, they're fine as long as I'm "healthy".

I refuse to buy new jeans, my gf loved my arse and thighs from all the squatting and deadlifting, and then I get all the atrophy I could take and end up bed ridden twice in 2 years. The body eats muscle up fast, you don't use it, you lose it. My pants never stay up because I have a 32 waist now and I refuse to buy new jeans. I used to have to wear 36 inch jeans just for the butt and thigh room, but my waist was only around 34, and I feel if I buy new clothes for the sake of Crohns, I have truly given up. Aint doing that, so that belt better do it's damn job.

I can't put on weight because my weight now is fine with the GI's more or less until I explain I weightlifted my way to 40 lbs more muscle than this stick figure, and they understand why I dropped from 190 to 145 at my worst. I don't have the intestines for all the healthy foods I need, and I don't have the energy for those workouts, but it's on hold, not canceled (that's what my signature is all about). This setback makes me that much more angry and desire to get where I want to be even more, once I get better, however it happens, I will hit things harder than ever.
 
Last edited:
Trailer_DeuceBigalow2_LG.jpg
 
Mangina sir, Mangina!
Click to expand...

OLD GREGG!!!

"I know what you're thinking. Here comes Old Gregg, he's a scaly man-fish. You don't know me. You don't know what I got. I got something to show you. (bright light shines) You know what that is? That's Old Gregg's vagina. I've got a mangina! I'M OLD GREEEEEEEEGG!"

"do you love me?" "think you could ever love me?"

http://youtube.wikia.com/wiki/Old_greg
 
Ah! I have always struggled with my weight with Crohn's, whether I'm skinny or chubby.

I was so skinny for years and years that teachers and friends parents were asking if I had an eating disorder. School counselors would "intervene" and give me pamphlets about it. All my clothes sagged off of me, which is not hot.

Then I was put on steroids and oh boy I gained 50 lbs! That was a whole new set of terrible emotions and horrible body image.

Now I'm okay...for now. It changes all the time.

I have jeans from a size 0 to a size 9 in my closet no joke! I save all my stuff because I never know what will fit me.
 
I used to be quite large 166lbs at 5ft 9, I wasn't massive but I certainly wasn't tiny. I ended up with anorexia and had tendencies to purge and dropped to 84lbs. I spent years and years battling myself (in some senses I still do) and to me, even though now I feel I am in a different mindset somewhat, I will always be fat, my mind will never let me let go of that. At the moment I'm like 112lbs, I was 128lbs at the start of the month so I've lost quite a lot quite quickly recently and it scares me, because it brings up all sorts of things for me. I worry for the crohn's and for my health but also for my general stability.

I look at myself and yeah I see bones all over, I have no ****s either between AA and A and as disgusting as it is the anorexic still inside me feels comforted, but I also see a massive bulging stomach and don't feel attractive. I really want off the steroids because as you can imagine with my past I am still horribly scared of weight gain. I can tolerate it to a point now but there will come moments where the thought is too much. In society today though it's almost the skinnier I am the more compliments I pick up. I worry far too much what other people think.
 
Don't bother with society, that is why there is an obesity epidemic and most people are fine with it. I get freaked out on when I tell them I'm angry I lost 50 lbs when I got sick and couldn't go to the gym.
 
Thanks all, nice as ever to know I'm not on my own! I decided to get off my bum and do something positive...so, I'm off out shopping today for clothes that fit (I see the point about not buying clothes because of CD but I'm sick of my clothes hanging off me - I look even thinner than I am because everything's so baggy), I've got a dietician appointment on Jan 12th to look at how to increase my weight in a way I'm happy with, and I will be spending a small fortune in the underwear department of John Lewis today in an attempt to give myself a few curves :)
 
The dietician will recommend more calories and some protein, just be sure that even though that is healthy and good for an underweight person, your Crohns shouldn't be aggravated, because you will fall backwards if it gets worse, and may end up skinnier than before, just ease into it and watch what goes into the higher calorie diet. Good luck :)
 
Thanks BWS :) I'm struggling to make myself eat anything right now - it's really hard to describe, it's as if when I look into the fridge for inspiration I get completely overwhelmed, and can't face eating at all :( Add to that the fact that I'm almost never hungry, and I guess it's no surprise that I'm losing weight. I'm going to struggle if the dietician wants me to start eating significantly larger quantities immediately - I don't honestly think I could make myself do that.

I'm starting to wonder if part of the problem now is psychological - it's like I have a block where eating's concerned. I'm fine if we go out, and a plate of food is put in front of me. I usually eat around half of it, which is loads for me, and really enjoy it. I'm lucky in that I can eat almost anything unless I'm really flaring (when I can't eat anything solid at all), so food should, theoretically, be a pleasure.

So why do I find it so daunting when I'm at home? We've got a house full of nice things left over from Christmas, but nothing appeals to me. Yesterday I had a little bit of the roast beef dinner I cooked for my husband and son (2 small roast potatoes, 1 yorkshire pudding, some leeks with cream and cheese and a tiny piece of beef (red meat's the one thing that tends to cause me problems even when not flaring, but my 9 year old had specifically requested beef!). This was around 4pm, I'd eaten nothing since 8pm the night before. I then had a piece of toast around 9pm last night, but that was it for the day. I only had the toast because I thought I should eat something, I wasn't hungry.

When I look at that, and think of how many other days I don't eat until say 1pm, then have nothing else for the day, it's no flaming wonder I'm thin.

I just don't find the thought of food appealing most days - the last time I can remember being truly hungry was when I was on pred a few years ago (and after the psychotic episode I had on that I won't be having that again!)

Any ideas? My CD is reasonably well controlled at the moment, so I'm not worried about eating and then having to go anywhere, iykwim. Eating is only very slightly uncomfortable afterwards, it's not painful.

Sorry for the long self absorbed ramble, it's been brought home to me over the last couple of weeks how odd my eating habits are. My DH has been home, and I don't think he'd realised how little I actually eat - he says very little about it but he's worried.
 
You're probably feeling how most Crohnies and I feel, that food going in isnt as much of a pleasure or for survival, it's a hassle, it has to come out sometime or another and it probably won't be fun doing it. That's how I feel much of the time, that some delicious looking food my family is having is both appealing to me (not so much this part for you), but it is also something that I will be dealing with later much differently than my family, more food means more BM's and more stress in an already fragile area, and it means that one meal may not make a healthy person go an extra time the next 48 hours, but it will probably make me go 3 extra times within 18. You have it worse, though, it sounds like you've lost, over time, that "but it tastes good" part to a large extent, and that's probably a conditioning, you've got it engrained over time after being sick for so long that food is more about possibly annoying your disease than it is about endulging in life. Now, even at times where the food may not make you worse, you still hang on to that action-reaction that food CAN and did have. Not to sound like a psychologist, but that makes all the sense in the world to me, because I head that way at times when I'm not well at all, but I come from a history of eating 4000 calories a day for fitness goals, so when my appetite drops it's not as bad as you have it.

I hate to say it, but I think the longer you go like that, the more engrained it will get and harder it will be to steer away from. You're depriving a healing body of nutrients, and chances are the nutritionist will address this, just don't overwhelm yourself, it will probably feel odd at first, but you'll need to slowly eat more and more food, just think of it as giving your body fuel to repair the damage of the disease, you're helping to fight the disease and feel better by eating.
 
BWS, that all makes perfect sense. I have completely lost any sense of 'but it will taste good', I no longer get any real enjoyment out of food. The only exception to that is when we go out, and I guess that's partly because I know I have to eat otherwise it will look odd to whoever I'm out with, and I have a relatively limited choice of foods. Thinking about it, even that situation isn't without stress as I'm always conscious I won't come anywhere close to finishing what's served to me, and unless I'm out with my DH or my best friend, I always get comments on that.

Thanks for taking the time to answer, I'm hoping to have a reasonable understanding of why I eat/don't eat the way I do before seeing the dietician, as I don't know how much she understands about CD (although her secretary had spotted CD on my notes as she mentioned it when she called me, which is encouraging). You're right in that it's almost habit to feel this way, it's just a mind-set I've got into which is no longer necessary but fairly deeply ingrained now.

I feel very self-absorbed rambling away about me, but there aren't many threads around at the moment that I feel qualified to comment on, iykwim?

Got any bright ideas about weird eye symptoms, oh font of knowledge :)
 
Well you started this thread, you could go on about how England feels about Churchill, if you so pleased...:)

I'd like to also add, I think the ingrained thing is also in there for your restaurants...you have an emotional bond to eating out from memories of when you used to do it when you felt better perhaps? You're there and it's just "what you do" when you are out with people, you eat and converse, that may be why you eat more there, you subconsciously expect yourself to eat at least something, you didn't go just to talk. At home, you are in charge of placing food in front of yourself, and that's where your conditioning comes in, at the restaurant, they place it there, as if they already did that step for you, it circumvents some of your ingrained hesitations about food, you hesitate to make something and place it in front of yourself, and if they take away that barrier and do it for you, that's one less step that normally prevents YOU from feeding yourself at home....sorry, I'm methodical and analytical by nature.

Best of luck, you don't seem self absorbed, I have that habit sometimes, and you aren't near it. :)
 
Im quite methodical too, that's why it helps to have it all laid down on the screen in front of me, I can pick through it then in my mind. It feels self-absorbed I guess because I'm not used to talking about it - I have a tendency with CD to bury my head in the sand as much as possible, I blame most things on my RA rather than CD.

You're right, having food placed in front of me completely takes away any decisions I need to make about whether I eat or not. If it's there, I'll eat at least some of it, and enjoy it. I've always seen food as very social thing, and bizarrely, I'm a big cook - I do the whole 'food is love' thing with my husband and son, and I really love making them nice meals and watching them enjoy them.

Thinking about it - my best friend's made the connection between me having food put in front of me and the fact that I'll then eat it without thinking about it. The last half dozen or so times I've popped in at hers she's put something to eat down along with the cup of coffee she's made me, which is a new habit of hers. It's only a muffin, or a small piece of cake, but I've eaten it because I didn't have to think about whether I wanted it or not, it was just there.

Also discovered that I will eat things that are small enough to be eaten in a bite or two - worked my way through a box of mini brownies yesterday, just because they were on the side in the kitchen and every time I passed through there I picked one up. Again, no real decision required - and it was gone in 2 bites, so not overwhelming at all.

Feeling a whole lot brighter about this, having thought it through a little. I think if I make some small changes and do things like make sure there are bite sized bits and pieces in plain sight, I will at least get some calories into myself.

Thanks, BWS, you're a very helpful soul, it's much appreciated :)
 
I am on Prednisone /Imuran/Remicade now. On my own I add fish oil from GNC and no burp or aftertaste and started papaya enzymes. Doctor has not mentioned either supplement but I am trying to help get my inflammation in check. They tell me it is severe. My mouth now is healing from some awful ulcers. My nose is clearing now but that too had a little blood steadily for the past month.

I try so hard to watch my weight as I am 54 years old. Prednisone is such a challenge. Right now my weight is stable although I eat as little as possible so I don't have to lose it later. My face feels full, flushed and raw probably from being outside in the cold. It makes me sad to restrict food when I suffer from IBD but that is what I must do after ten years experience with crohns.

I battle the inflammation as well as the meds all at the same time.
 
First post!!! :ycool:

I am glad I found this place. It seems that most of us with Crohn's have similar issues regarding our bodies.

For me I am a 31 y/o guy who is 5'5" & weighs around 113# (maybe less now :ybatty: ). It has been hard being a little guy even though I tell myself I don't care what others think & most of the time I don't. What gets me & most would say that it is a good problem to have, is that I am still getting carded because I don't look 'legal' & when I am with people my age (25-35) I still look like the youngest. It may be in my head but I think people still see me as 'some punk kid'...but in some ways I still am. I sure as hell don't feel 31.

Like I said earlier...I am glad I found this place.
 
Hi TN and welcome to the forum!
Why don't you start your own thread in the "my story'" section, tell us your story, and then you will be sure to get a proper welcome from everyone!
 
My Butt Hurts said:
Hi TN and welcome to the forum!
Why don't you start your own thread in the "my story'" section, tell us your story, and then you will be sure to get a proper welcome from everyone!
Click to expand...

Done!
:D
 
hey sparky. i feel for you with the eating hesitations too. when i was younger i remember going into the kitchen and taking a look around, then just sit down and cry because i didnt know what to do. it was such a horrible confusing feeling to know your body is hungry but at the same time its like your mind is telling you that you arent.
and true for me too, when my mom or dad gave me something it seemed easier to force it down. being little at the time i wasnt aware of this, but it totally makes sense everything that you and benson have talked about here.

just figured i'd share the same feelings. good luck with it, it seems like youve got some good ideas and plans going. pack in those mini brownies! hehe :)
 
Hey Kello, that's it exactly - it's completely overwhelming sometimes knowing I need to eat, but my head is telling me it's a really bad idea. I hadn't realised till I spilled on here and Benson picked through it that there was the problem. Do you still find it hard sometimes to eat, or have you found a way round it?

I actually feel a lot brighter about the whole thing now that I feel I have some understanding of what's going on in my mind. I feel less pressured to eat in a weird way, and as a result, I've eaten more :) Bite size brownies are definitely working - I know they're hardly a balanced diet but still better than nothing! Seeing the dietician on Monday, and have just ordered a slow cooker (crock pot ?), thinking that maybe smelling food cooking would inspire me to eat. If I have to do the hard work at the beginning of the day, maybe by dinner time, if I've smelt it cooking all afternoon (I work from home), I'll be inclined to join my son and husband for dinner, even if I only have a little bit. I figure if all I have to do at 6.30 is put it on plates, then that has to be more tempting that starting the whole thing from scratch when I'm tired anway, right?
 
Hiya Sparky.

This is an issue I've dealt with for years. When I was diagnosed, part of the symptoms listed was anorexia. I didn't realise at the time.
The Docs explained that in my mind, I associated food with pain. So if I didn't eat, I'd have no pain.

At that time was very underweight. It was only in my late 20's when I was first put on 6-MP that I started to gain weight.
I've tried to deal with this over the years, by simply forcing myself to eat. I would make a dinner or lunch as usual, and force it down my throat as much as I could.

I know it doesn't sound pleasant, but it is the only way. I also make sure that I cook things that I like alot. Even if it's not healthy, but it's tasty. I might not finish it all, but sometimes I might.

Shame about the curves, but I'm sure you'll get them back. What is it Gok Wan says, "love what you have". I'm sure your husband thinks you look fantastic in your new John Lewis gear.
 

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