Sex issues

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crystal5520002000

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sex issues

I know several posts have been made about the topic of sex. I am lost for what to do, Me and my husband have been a little confrontational when it comes to this area. He tries to be supportive but yet it always seems to come up and create arguments. I am at wits end on what to do, my whole life it turning out to be how to deal with all these let downs my work, my relationship etc
 
Hi Crystal! Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no libido and when I do I'm sick and can't do anything! I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary, but your husband needs to not be confrontational about something like sex and needs to focus more on your health. Sex is important but it isn't everything. The focus needs to be on getting you better.
 
I feel that way too but I miss it just the same as he does and I feel bad for him cause He doesn't have this sickness bogging him down he only gets the repercussions of me dealing with it and it is such a touchy subject nobody wants to talk about it Thank you for your reply though I hate feeling like I go through this alone
 
If it makes you feel any better, I'm married too and sometimes I feel like a nun LOL! We spent our wedding night watching Gangs of New York, sexy huh?
 
Sex is important to a marriage. IMO. Especially when a flare can last for months going into years. When I was at my worst, we still made time for that. It was usually earlier in the day when I still had energy. Sometimes I would take some tylenol an hour before hand. I find its easier to enjoy if you arent in so much pain. I also explained to my husband that he had to be gentle because it hurt to be jostled around too much. We didnt do it as often but we did meet each other half way. It wasnt the same as when I am healthy but I looked at it as a way for us to love each other.

He has to understand that its hard to feel sexy when you feel sick and that you arent the same as when you are healthy.

Communication is of utmost importance. Its easy for the significant other to feel neglected when we are sick all the time. My husband and I make time to talk at the end of everyday. We do this exercise where we rate the day on a scale of 1-10 and our relationship of a scale of 1-10 and discuss why we gave it that number. We do not criticize the number or argue about it. Its just to let the other person know how we are doing. My theory is a relationship doesnt go from a 10 to a 1 overnight.
 
My husband and I have had some issues in the sex area as well. But luckily he is understanding. It's more me that puts the pressure on myself and end up making myself feel bad.

There are other things you can do though...I'm sure you can figure those out :)

There are times when it is super painful, and when that happens, we stop, and my husband has never said anything bad about it. But I find if I take a tylenol or something a half hour before, it really helps with the pain. But I also have a fistula that makes things more complicated in that region...so sometimes it's a no-go. My husband has gone without for a couple of months at a time because I was feeling awful...so it IS possible :)
 
Ditto all that Lydia and Daisy said above. Lydia - I like the idea of your nightly conversations with your husband and the "rating" system.

It is hard to feel sexy or in the mood when you feel like crap. I try to understand that my husband has physical needs (and emotional needs) and that's where the "other stuff" can come into play. I make sure he knows I still find him attractive even though I don't feel much like doing anything.

Hopefully you and your husband can talk thru it - you don't need this added stress to make your flare even worse.

- Amy
 
I second early day sex... sometimes its easier to feel turned on when its so different like that too.

I also remember he has needs too.
 
katiesue1506 said:
I second early day sex... sometimes its easier to feel turned on when its so different like that too.

I also remember he has needs too.
Click to expand...

Sometimes its best right when you wake up. Both of you are relaxed and you just take it easy, snuggle close and let it happen. If find when flaring I dont notice my symptoms until after my feet touch the floor.
 
SEX????????? Does it exists, wait I remember I had some dreams about it :). It is hard because people have NO idea what we deal with for pain and other emotional feels. I am not sure for other people, but I find it hard when I am in pain to want to do anything, and my wife gets upset. I am not a complainer and deal with it in my own way. I have tried to explain, but again if they do not have it they have no idea. She has tried to be understanding and I give her credit for that. Having an open line of communication is so important with anyone we are going to be with. They need to have some understanding of our condition.

I know we have had to make adjustments to make sure I do not have any "Opps" during the moment that would put the fire out. We have found other ways to satisfy other ways, if I am in pain.

Now soon going to a external bag is going to add some new challenges of it own, but at least I will also have some protection, LMPO. She is just happy I will finally have 8" inches resting on my leg :)
 
semicolon306 said:
She is just happy I will finally have 8" inches resting on my leg :)
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OMG you are hysterical!! My housemate wants to know why I'm laughing but only a Chronie would get that one!

Lilly
 
Yes both people have needs but no one should consider themselves as being selfish for not being in the mood and not forcing yourself to do the deed for another person. My boyfriend is very understanding and when I'm in the mood, we're able to do stuff then. He doesn't force the issue and I don't have to keep explaining why either. As long as they know why, they should be respectful of your feelings even if they don't fully understand. Just do what you can when you can.
 
semicolon306 said:
SEX????????? Does it exists, wait I remember I had some dreams about it :). It is hard because people have NO idea what we deal with for pain and other emotional feels. I am not sure for other people, but I find it hard when I am in pain to want to do anything .:)
Click to expand...


I was gonna say the same thing...:confused2: what is that?
 
Over the course of 24 yrs with CD we have felt every emotion involving sex and CD. Before being diagnosed, Janis felt neglected because I had no interest in sex. It was a rough time. After being diagnosed she at least had a reason why.
Over the years we developed a mutual understanding that works for us. No pain becomes no holds barred. Pain means just the hand holding and normal kissing. I still feel bad for her because she has had to change her needs to meet mine or the lack of mine.
We have spent many hours discussing our sex life, so being open and talking about it is the best idea. It still doesn't make it better but it does make for a better relationship so that when the timing is right everything is better
 
BWS1982 said:
I hate this subject in my relationship. Always a point of contention and strife. I'm the sick one but have never had issues with libido. Some women are just not meant for birth control, and she's not even taking it for intimacy, she's taking it for abnormally horrid PMS. .
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...You're the sick one... but she takes BC because she has abnormally horrid PMS. !!!

I just wanted to point out what you just said. If she didn't take BC, she would be in an enormous amount of pain, discomfort and make your life very miserable.

Couldn't she be qualified as being 'sick', too? Compassion and understanding on your end might open her up in more way than one.
 
I am in the same position i just don't really want to have it. it just there are so many things that you worry about, If i lose control will i make a mess in the bed? will it cause more pain if she is on top? different things like that..... not to mention that i really just don't have the energy to do anything. but sometimes she just doesn't understand that. she says she does and then kinda complains that we aren't having enough sex... i just want to yell some times BACK THE HELL UP.
 
I guess I missed the gene boat for wanting sex...like ever. Just wasnt a priority to me and my husband fully understands. We hug every day, tell each other every day that we love each other. Being intimate is rare because of my not getting my pain under control. He too feels like he isnt missing it either. We are so close and we talk about EVERYTHING, he is my best friend and confidant. After 2 failed marriages, I know what I have found in my hubby is gold. He is there for me always, and only one that ever has. Love is not having to have relations, and the other shouldn't feel left out because you can't or dont have the libido. Trusting one another is the key... :smile:
 
You know for a brief moment after reading all the posts I feel normal well only in this area lol You all sure have made me feel better about the situation
 
I always feel like it is the elephant in the room in my relationship. It feels like between our own ailments and crappy luck the last 8 months neither of us have been in the mood for sex at all.

Still happy and loving. Just no sex involved currently. Hoping with summer coming and a vacation we can put the last year of illness, multiple pet deaths, stress, money, etc. behind us and get back to where we were a year ago.

That being said in the past 15 years I have felt my libido wax and wane greatly depending on my general health and medications. Figured years ago it would be a life long struggle.
 
Just got a bag a few weeks ago, so this post meant a lot to me. My poor sweetheart has been so patient, but we both miss that kind of intimacy that we had before.
 
MsSickandTired said:
...You're the sick one... but she takes BC because she has abnormally horrid PMS. !!!

I just wanted to point out what you just said. If she didn't take BC, she would be in an enormous amount of pain, discomfort and make your life very miserable.

Couldn't she be qualified as being 'sick', too? Compassion and understanding on your end might open her up in more way than one.
Click to expand...

There's a whole lot more to it than that, things are already miserable with us both. There is compassion and understanding, trust me. The BC makes things worse and not better, and she plans to go off it because of it. I shouldn't derail the topic, but there's more to it, I didn't tell the whole thing. Forget I said anything.
 
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BWS1982 said:
There's a whole lot more to it than that, things are already miserable with us both.
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Sorry to hear this - hopefully you can work things out on all fronts. We all need a good support system. We're here for you if you need to vent more about anything.

- Amy
 
ameslouise said:
Sorry to hear this - hopefully you can work things out on all fronts. We all need a good support system. We're here for you if you need to vent more about anything.

- Amy
Click to expand...


I appreciate the offer, though there's a lot to it, and I'd just as soon only do it when I have the time to do it, and in a password-protected part of the forum. I should not have told a fraction of the story and details and left it at that, perhaps I'll go into some other time.
 
Man all this relationship stuff seems like a lifetime ago!

I'm kinda glad that I wasn't in a relationship in the past year because I can definitely say that my libido is based on being well so there wasn't any extra pressure, the past year when I've been unwell ....zip and now I'm feeling better all of a sudden it's like CRASH BANG WHOLLOP! lol
Have to say I'm really kinda anxious about the scar and have been on a few dates so wish me luck when I have to come to explaining that!lol
 
Interesting thread!
being intimate doesn't have to involve sex tho, does it? During extreme fatigue or a flare up
lying side by side and touching each other is good, satisfying each others needs, without exerting yourself, if you get my drift!!
 
I just came home from the hospital for the second time after my ileostomy. I was there for three days due to complications (pain mostly). It has been over three months since I have been able to have sex with my partner because of pain, surgery, recovery, body image issues... We tried other ways of being intimate, which was important and nice, but I couldn't bring myself to go "all the way"... until tonight. It was amazing. It was the first time with my bag so it was a little scary, but everything went really well. I cried with happiness after. My partner hasn't been badgering me or anything, but we both missed that part of our relationship so much.

I didn't write this to brag (although I do feel really good right now), but just to show you that when you are ready, it will all come back to you. Letting our selves warm up to sex with touching and other things as many people on this forum suggested really helped, and so did the fact that my honey was so patient and so happy to be with me, no matter weather I had a bag and stoma or not (tonight was also the first time I let him see the stoma without the bag on when i was cleaning it- a big deal for me).

We have all been there. Some times sex just isn't possible when you are feeling sick and tired. That's just the way it is. Try not to be so hard on yourself and also, when you are ready, try not to let this disease make you embarrassed. If I can do it with a bag, then anyone (with a patient and loving partner) can do it too! Hope this helps.
 
thought I would bring this post back to life since it's almost a year old, and I have found myslef right back in the same predicament again. My husband has brought it up again but this time kind of or trying to be in a non confrontational manner. He says I feel like an ass even mentioning it because I know that your sick, and that is why this is happening, but he still feels rejeted, even though he knows that isn't the case. I hate this stupid disease isn't their some orphanage I can go drop it off at. It's all the doctors fault they have been tapering prednisone for two months now the D came back as soon I started to taper, but they are thinking of putting me on Immuran and want me off the pred completely before. Hope I start to feel better sometime soon cause I am so sick of this
 
I'm only 21, and I'm a male, so my response may shock a few people. My fiance is probably the most understanding person in the world, even more understand as all your most understanding people in the world lol! I'm the one with crohns, and the last thing I want to do is get naked and have sex when I have giant abscess on my ass. I know that can't exactly turn someone on. What if it leaks on the bed? What if i hit it the wrong way and it becomes really painful? Etc. Its definately mutual for us though. She has concerns with herself that deter from wanting sex, and I have my crohns that makes me not want it. We still do it once and awhile, and we definately stay close all the time. Going for romantic dinners, cuddling and watching movies, holding hands going for walks, etc. To me sex just isn't a huge priority. Its nice, and a bonus, but I can't say its something I absolutely need in life. What if your partner became paralyzed, then you would never have sex unless you cheated.
 
This is something that I am really struggling with tbh. I'm not in a relationship and to be honest it has been about 2 years since i have even been so much as intimate with anyone, and since having my ileostomy in july I dont go out drinking with my mates anymore so the only way i ever meet people has pretty much gone!... and I don't know how the hell i would go about explaining things if i ever did meet someone. At 24 its really bothing me because this is an age where i feel i should be with someone by now but i just dont have the confidence to do anything about it.
 
KWalker said:
the last thing I want to do is get naked and have sex when I have giant abscess on my ass
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I know how you feel. When I was going through the worst of my problems at the beginning of this year, I was in a relationship, and it was absolutely the worst possible timing for it. I was trying to please my boyfriend whilst trying to deal with the fact I had a painful and embarrassing medical problem.

At that point I still had a large dressing on my butt, and although my boyfriend said he didn't mind, to be quite honest, every time we did try and have sex, it was because I felt obligated to, not because I wanted to. I wanted to keep my clothes very much ON. Because of this every attempt was a total disaster.

The relationship ended (for reasons other than my illness), but I am so happy I've been single this year and have not had to deal with the problems sex can bring during illness.

Now that my medical treatment is working I finally feel my libido picking up again and because a certain amount of healing has taken place I think I'd be able to have sex without the need to for a dressing or any consciousness of the problem.

Still though, it's going to take a very special and understanding guy for me to be able to relax enough to be intimate again. I've actually been having psychosexual counselling which has been a huge help, but although my sex drive is returning, I'm still self conscious of my body and still worried that a guy would accidentally hurt me because of my medical problems.
 
robbo87 said:
I don't know how the hell i would go about explaining things if i ever did meet someone.
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I feel concerned about this issue too, as although I don't have an 'ostomy, I have an embarrassing issue that does need to be discussed before the pants come off, so to speak. It's not something I could choose not to talk about because I would need to make the other person aware in case they hurt me, or y'know, were grossed out and ran away ;)

I guess I can't speak for all girls, but as a species, we're quite an understanding and sensitive bunch.

I personally think a girl would be more understanding if I guy explained he had an 'ostomy than a guy would, if his new girlfriend told him - am I being stereotypical?

The only thing you can do is when you fancy someone, get to know them pretty well and hold off from the physical side of things until you can judge whether the response will be a positive one when you tell her about your situation.

This should work in your favour as a guy who doesn't want to rush into a physical relationship is more attractive as it shows you are respecting the girl for who she is and you value the relationship.

Having said that, there are various physically intimate things you could indulge in that would allow you to keep your clothes on and should still put a smile on her face! (Too much?) I'll allow you to use your imagination here.

Bearing the above in mind, it might be a bigger problem in your head than it will be in reality, which can only be a good thing :)
 
Martin, I know it's easier said than done, but I'd try not to worry. Everyone I talk to has know about my operation and about my bag and without trying to sound like a big head, a few guys I know have made it very obvious that they'd have sex with me in a heart beat. The thought of the bag hasnt put them off at all! I think it bothers me more than it bothers them. Although to be quite honest, I really can't wait till I'm well enough to get intimate again. Ughhh.

I know for sure that any girl who was worth it wouldn't care. You're young and good looking and seem like a great guy. Whats there not to like?

I guess meeting people is another issue though. Do you still hang out with your mates and such? Meeting friends of friends is always a good way. Saying that, my best friend who is completely stunning and amazing went on match.com and met her current bf on there. There's no shame on meeting people from the net if you feel like you're ready to have a relationship. In the meanwhile, do you have any female friends that you can hang out with? That might boost your confidence a bit. Especially if you can talk to them about your bag :)
 
hannah-rose said:
I guess I can't speak for all girls, but as a species, we're quite an understanding and sensitive bunch.

I personally think a girl would be more understanding if I guy explained he had an 'ostomy than a guy would, if his new girlfriend told him - am I being stereotypical?
Click to expand...

Tbh to an extent I agree and wouldn't say your being sterotypical... although i would remove myself from that sterotype.... although past experiences with girls have done nothing but mentally screw my head up and i've been left really hurt so i think thats possibly playing a part in all this aswell.

Misty-Eyed said:
I guess meeting people is another issue though. Do you still hang out with your mates and such? Meeting friends of friends is always a good way. Saying that, my best friend who is completely stunning and amazing went on match.com and met her current bf on there. There's no shame on meeting people from the net if you feel like you're ready to have a relationship. In the meanwhile, do you have any female friends that you can hang out with? That might boost your confidence a bit. Especially if you can talk to them about your bag :)
Click to expand...

I do still hang around with mates, along with a few girls. who are all taken or have been with other friends so its not somewhere i'd go. I'm sat here moaning yet there is one girl in the group who i know really likes me and apparently head over heels about me... and as nice a girl as she is, i just dont feel attracted to her, and i wish i did, but theres something missing.... and as much as it would sometimes be nice to be the sort of lad who will just go with the first girl that offers it to em... im not that kind of lad... so i think im just gonna be spending a lot more time waiting for the one person who may never turn up!... but this was pretty much the same attitude i had before ending up with a bag so on top of those feelings i just feel like im up against it even more now!, i have met people on the internet in the past aswell and ended up sleeping with them... but everytime they ended up being girls who where just after a quick fling and then dissapearing!.... I'm the lad, isnt it supposed to be the other way around?... :lol:



It's something that never really used to bother me but as im getting older its starting to just really make me wonder what the hells going on! I havent yet drank since i came home, and after being attacked in a club i want to stay away from that sort of scene... but i feel like just getting a big night out planned and becoming the old Martin who used to love going out on a saturday gettin drunk with friends... who maybe ever so often might have had a tiny bit of luck every few months or so... haha
 
Well good on you for seeing that she's not the one for you! That's much better than taking advantage of her feeling, in my opinion! I think we all feel like we're waiting for that one person that isn't going to show up at some point!

Well my friend's bf wasn't the first guy she met on there. She had a few flings etc but they never worked out. I did say to her the other day that I wish we could just know when we'd meet the right person for us and then we could just relax about it and enjoy our lives till then!

I guess you wanting to be the old Martin doesn't help if all of your mates still go out. I used to go out every weekend when I was about 24 but now I can't be bothered with it. I'm getting old! Plus after not being allowed to drink from the Methotrexate I got used to not drinking. Then I realised how much I hate myself when I drink. I turn into some man eating monster! It's not good. I like being confident AND being able to make good judgement calls at the same time. Something I can not do when I've been drinking! Haha!
 
I don't even want to think or talk about sex....let alone have any :thumbdown:. My SO and I argue about it at least once a week.
 
I had sex just once (April this year) since surgery last August and it was truly awful. Apart from the embarassment of undressing in front of somebody else there was the issue of body image, stamina (or lack thereof) and the most feared of all male problems -will it stay up? And if so, for how long? Well, I simply gave up after a while. I was completely deflated......pun IS intended. I couldn't be doing with all that huffing and puffing anyway. I was knackered. To hell with this I thought....get me a capuccino instead! Far more enoyable.

I've been celibate for about 8 months now and I feel ok with that. I'm much stronger now and have almost all my weight back and I'm happy to say I have no serious Crohn's symptoms since the surgery (does a fissure count?). There are times when I would like to be intimate with somebody but perhaps psychologically I'm not quite ready for it.
 
My boyfriend has Crohn's, and this is a topic that we've made sure to address, and discuss.

There have been a few times in the past where going for extended periods without sex has bothered me, but I've made sure he knows that he shouldn't blame himself or feel bad, and that his comfort and well-being are more important to me than physical intimacy. After being with him for almost a year, going for a bit without sex doesn't bother me. If anything, it lends to a more passionate and enjoyable time when we are intimate.

Learning to deal not only with my own health issues, but his also, has strengthened our relationship greatly in my opinion. I'm not always functional, and neither is he, which is a point of understanding and empathy between us.
 
Ah man, I've been single now for over a year, and I have been a good girl too!
Reading through some of these posts have really brought back some memories, and is even making me wish I was still having these arguments and problems!

robbo87 said:
so i think im just gonna be spending a lot more time waiting for the one person who may never turn up!...
Click to expand...

This is so me! But I am quite happy being on my own, especially when I'm not feeling well, gives me enough time and energy to focus on me!
 
I've been having trouble with intimacy, sexual intimacy really, since coming back from the hospital. I have a libido...less than before, but actually not by much. I have been tending to things on my own, shall we say. (I don't know how blunt I can be about sexual matters on here, so I'll err on the side of innuendo.)

I don't have pain most of the time that would put me out of the mood, and I seem to have energy often enough...but I don't want to really do anything sexual with my boyfriend these days. I like being physically close with him, so that's not the issue...I just don't really know what's going on with me.

I've talked to my boyfriend about it some, and he seems understanding, but I still feel bad about it. I'd like to be having sex with him again...I just don't feel like it.
 
Elektrikhd said:
I've been having trouble with intimacy, sexual intimacy really, since coming back from the hospital. I have a libido...less than before, but actually not by much. I have been tending to things on my own, shall we say. (I don't know how blunt I can be about sexual matters on here, so I'll err on the side of innuendo.)

I don't have pain most of the time that would put me out of the mood, and I seem to have energy often enough...but I don't want to really do anything sexual with my boyfriend these days. I like being physically close with him, so that's not the issue...I just don't really know what's going on with me.

I've talked to my boyfriend about it some, and he seems understanding, but I still feel bad about it. I'd like to be having sex with him again...I just don't feel like it.
Click to expand...

I'm in the same boat. I've been out of the hospital 2 weeks tomorrow. Aside from the exhaustion and embarrassment of what this disease causes you to do and become, being romantic and intimate isn't the first thought I had. My wife was understanding and it took a while. Communication is paramount. I had to be blunt and tell her, "Listen, I'm exhausted. I feel like crap due to the steroids and eating bland boring foods. On top of that, this disease sends me running to the toilet and I'm sorry if my thoughts aren't of having sex with you." We worked through it but the best is to NOT RUSH ANYTHING. Just like when you are healthy, you shouldn't rush or force intimacy.


Hope you get back on that horse soon. :lol:
 
This thread is so timely for me.
After being sick all year - I have actually met somebody.
She has been completely unphased by the whole CD and Stoma thing.
I was in hospital two weeks ago and she came on dates to visit me.
First intimacy I've had in 18 months and she has been amazing.
I'm still concerned about the bag getting in the way, and petrified about having an explosion - but all good so far.
The bag does get in the way - I just need to learn some new moves to work around it.

I'm glad I've only met her recently. There is no way I could have been intimate with anybody up until a couple of months ago.
She's a pretty amazing and supportive person - I feel like I've struck gold.

Thank you to everybody that has shared too.
I feel like less of a freak and don't feel so alone about struggling with intimacy when sick and having a Stoma.
 
I'm glad this thread has turned up, Just had a good read through my long rant! kinda mad looking back at this when I realise that I've now been with my current girlfriend for 9 months and things have been great! (I realised after a bit that the girl I was talking about in my earlier post was infact the one!..)

She's been so supportive it's been unreal and the whole bag thing doesn't even bother her one bit. Infact she so often forgets and will accidentally knock my stoma or something!

She's given me so much more confidence to do things, We've been on trips abroad, which I couldn't have done without her. Flying was a big thing that I thought would be difficult with a stoma. And thing's are goin on in the bedroom so I can't complain :)

It's like she doesn't even see that I have a bag.
 
I hid the fact i had IBD with my GF for nearly a year and when i was having a flare she had to ask me if i was gay because i was never up for it.

Luckily for her it passed :)
 
There are ostomy garments for intimate times for men as well as for women. They keep your bag from flying everywhere at inappropriate moments (I know, I have an ileostomy, too:wink:) Most look something like this.
 
This is an old post but I just gotta say 3 years ago my husband died and since then Ive had the Crohns DX. Thats just putting it in context. Sex was my favourite thing ever all my life and then later in life I married my third husband, my soulmate, the love of my life. The man that showed me what being truely loved was. He was also a paraplegic and we never had sex - it wasnt an issue altho we talked about it - it didnt matter - I didnt care. I can hardly beleive it wasnt an issue for me - but it wasnt because I was loved and fulfilled by an amazing, funny, romantic and intelligent man. So, Crohns or no Crohns - sex doesnt make great relationships, people who love each other do. I miss him so much after 6 of the best years of my life.
 

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