Hey Jerman,
I can say with all my heart, I understand. I know how it feels to get served with a foreclosure complaint. Why? I became the same way that you've been feeling when you posted. You and me have a common problem which has no known cure, and which can make any tomorrow a painful, drawn-out, can't sleep but eyes can't stay open, busted tie-rod, and puddles of tranny fluid in anyone's driveway where you stop, type of day.
I understand how you feel. I used to be able to climb stairs - just one little ordinary thing I took for granted. One fine day, my ankle got swollen and I couldn't walk. Now after a cast, and a brace, I only wish I could climb stairs, or use a treadmill, or feel that "runner's high" like I used to be able to do. My version of Crohn's seems to go after all the left leg joints, a shoulder, fingers and toes with that EIM arthritis. I only get a brief warning - a rush to the toilet, then it's all over, the day is shot and I can't do anything sometimes but lay on the bed with a pillow against my gut. If my gut is sick, my joints are swollen and sore, sometimes it's very hard to walk.
I cry on some of those days. I say it out loud through tears "I have Crohn's Disease and I can't go to work" and cry some more. I used to want to stay home from work to play hookie and just enjoy the sunshine. But now I cry because I want to go work and feel useful. When the sun is bright and the day is beautiful, I get the same reminders that you get. We have this disease and it's turned our worlds upside down - sometimes to the point where we can't even recognize it. I can totally relate to feeling weak and useless to the world.
We've changed. Our body's physiology has taken a deviation. Our lives have changed. Even though I've been only recently diagnosed, I know that I will be facing major changes in my life because of this disease. I watched it happen to my girlfriend. I wondered why she just couldn't walk downstairs to do a load of laundry. Simple thing, right? Do it while your on your way to the kitchen.
Well one day last week, I stared at a growing pile of dirty clothes that was in my bedroom. I was in pain and fatigued. I looked at that load and just said I'm too sick to go up and down stairs. That day, my question about my girl was answered. She was too fatigued to do her laundry.
These changes in most of our lives are ineveitable, and for most of us, we can't turn back. We can't "return" this disease. We acquire a lifelong "companion" with Crohn's.
But I'm gonna disagree with you on one point. Your wife and family do deserve you. You're a man with a disease, probablay a very loving husband and father. That is a gift for you, esepcially if they support you with this chronic and disabling condition (at times).
My lady-friend was married to a man who told her he could not deal with living with someone with a chronic illness. It wasn't in his "deal". He didn't sign up for a spouse who would later become sick with the same disease you and me have. That was harsh - way too harsh for a loving and caring person, attractive and desireable, loyal and supportive to the end.
I'm sure you never would have developed Crohn's if you had any choice in the matter. You and me are different from many others, but different doesn't mean defective, or less of a person.
Like someone else replied, you are not alone. God bless.
