Success is my only mother****ing option

[Arsha]

My life was great until January 1st, 2004. I was a happy, young boy with great dreams of being a professional soccer player and get a scholarship to my favorite university to study medicine. All of that changed when I started feeling a bump on my butt. It felt like a rock was stuck on the side of my left butt cheek, and it hurt like hell when I touched it or sat down. I went to my doctor and she literally started crying when she found out I had an abscess (one of the first symptoms of IBS/Crohn's). She stuck a needle in the big pimple and sucked out about a pint of bloody mucus/pus until I started screaming out in pain, she stopped. I was referred to a Gastroenterologist and proceeded to get surgery which removed the now fistula and gave me a nice scar to show off to whoever was looking at my ass. :thumleft:

Anyway, during this time I lost almost all of my friends and had to quit soccer in order to focus on my health. I was homeschooled for two years and went back to middle school in the 8th grade. Here's where shit got weird.

I looked like a 10 year old while all of my former friends had hit puberty and were on their way to becoming fully grown. I know what you're thinking, "He was only in 8th grade? So what's the big deal? Puberty can hit you in 8th grade!" No. I didn't hit puberty until I was 16 years old and that's only because I began seeing an Endocrinologist who prescribed me growth hormone shots, as my bone age was still at 12 years old. I began growing at a steady pace, but the anxiety and the jokes/stares my friends and family would make were slowing pushing me further into depression.

I only wanted to be healthy and have good friends. Nobody liked me. People would laugh at me when I would sit at their lunch table and eventually I sat in the far corner by myself for the remaining few years of intermediate high school. Just because I was beginning to see changes in my body, I still remained but a child to the naked eye. I would fluctuate between different weights, due to drugs such as Prednisone, and ended up having severe acne problems as well. None of the girls in my school would even talk to me. I had to wear a big jacket to school, even in the spring and when it became hot as hell out, because my stomach was so bloated that I couldn't bear anymore jokes and snickering by my peers, had I worn something like a t-shirt. I would get laughed at in gym class and ended up being hospitalized multiple times for the dumbest things like playing dodgeball or running around the gym... Life just sucked.

Yet, all this time, through all the pain and suffering and humiliation, I maintained excellent grades and eventually graduated in the top 10% of my class. I was a part of many clubs including DECA, DFY and Future Medical Professionals, just for my future and parents sake. I looked 14 when I finally graduated in 2009. Right now I'm 19 but I look about 16.

Fast forward, here I am, still sick and depressed as f**k. I began smoking marijuana for the pain and nausea, as I can't get a prescription for promethazine unless I go to my doctor or the ER, both of which are highly expensive. My mom found out and, long story short, forced me to quit. I have made it very clear that I am not irresponsible with my marijuana usage and I DO NOT smoke to get high... But being in Oklahoma and having a very strict mother, I had to stop. What should I do? I'm nauseated all the time and have EXTREME pains in the lower right part of my stomach (the terminal ileum, I believe). I can't change her mind so I just have to smoke a bit when I'm out with friends, but that doesn't help because I usually just smoked when I was alone in my room, studying or playing video games.

TL;DR My life sucks and if you actually read all of that, I love you. I wish I could just kill myself but I have to prove to MYSELF that I'm stronger than that. What would be gained from suicide? Nothing. I just want to escape this body but there seems to be no way out, not even for a minute.

Does anybody have any advice to give? Please email me if you would like: [email protected]

Thanks everybody, take care.

-Arsha Asteraki

 

[Mountaingem]

Welcome Arsha! I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I was little for my age in high school too, because of Crohn's (although no one knew that's what it was at the time). I wore baggy clothes and was teased all the time by the girls when I changed for P.E.-so I've walked in your shoes, but maybe not quite to the same extent.

You really need to see your GI and get examined to find out what's going on if you are in that much pain. Pain's the body's way of warning you something is wrong; we all have a measure of it from Crohn's, and when it's to this degree you definitely need to be seen. There are LOTS of effective pain meds out there, as well as anti-nausea meds, too if your Mom really disapproves of marijuana. There's a forum here that discusses marijuana if need more info; I've never tried it myself.

I use Drammamine which is OTC at the drug store in the motion sickness section. Also there's something called Sea Bands, which are acupuncture bracelettes that press on a portion of your wrist that shuts of the nausea signal from your brain to your stomach. Peppermint Altoids are helpful,too in the breath mint section.

Prescription-wise, promethazine never did much for me, either for Crohn's nausea or from chemo nausea. Compazine I like best, also Zofran is really good, too. Tramadol works great for pain; I've tried Vicodin, didn't help at all.

I hope you are able to get the doctor to help you and try some of these and find some relief. Being in constant pain naturally makes all of us depressed; I think with your fighting spirit you will come back swinging once you aren't suffering so much and the disease is actually being treated.

Keep up the fight, and never give up; and remember everyone on the forum is here for you!

 

[DustyKat]

Hi Arsha and :welcome:

Oh my, you sure have been through the wringer hun and continue to do so by the sounds of it.

Have you been in remission at all over the years?

Have you bombed out on all medication options, even the biologics?

Has surgery ever been considered as an option to relieve your symptoms?

You are stronger than that Arsha and I think if you read over your story you may see that. You have survived many, many hardships and excelled in the process. Depression and anxiety play a very big role in chronic illness and in Crohns, have you ever sought help?

I don't have CD but both of my children do and my heart goes out to you. My daughter is your age and my son only a year younger. I don't understand your health system there but it sounds like it may also be impacting on your choices is that right? There are people here that may be able to help you out with some solid advice about that aspect of things.

:hang: sweetie. You are strong, you are loved and you have found a wonderful place for support, understanding and answers.

Much love, :Karl:
Dusty. xxxxxxxx

 

[allieinwonder]

Hello and Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry you are going through what you are going through. I too started getting symptoms of this illness at a young age, 15, and I yet to have a determined diagnosis of whats going on. Its extremely frustrating, and I understand completely everything you have said and expressed.

But it can get better! With the pain and symptoms you are going through, a GI needs to really look at your case and test you to figure out whats going on. I too have tried for many years to deal with it on my own, but I have realized that once it gets as worse as it can things must be done. I really hope your GI can figure this out once and for all!

We have an undiagnosed section of our forum, for people just like you who are suffering but don't know whats wrong and are not getting 100% treated. Feel free to come over and vent to us! We all understand and are here to help you through it.

I hope you start feeling better soon and I hope you can get this figured and sorted out! Many hugs to you!

 

[KWalker]

Listen man, Hang in there. For yourself, not anybody else. I'm only 21 myself so I know exactly what you're going through. I was diagnosed when I was two years old. I've spent my whole life with it, and I know its not easy. I dealt with the idiots in high school,I've stopped participating in gym class because I felt I couldn't keep up and would get laughed at, I missed a lot of school from being in the hospital,etc.

I've been on almost any medicine you can think of. My nickname in grade school/most of high school was "squirrel" because prednisone made my face puffy like a squirrel holding nuts. I've been held by the neck almost about to get beat up from a person at work after sticking up for myself and telling him off after I had enough of his jokes about my acne/trips to the bathroom.

You feel like your back is to the wall and there's nothing you can do. I know how it is. My acne gets so bad sometimes (because of previous meds) that its not uncommon for me to wear my fiances cover-up once and awhile. You'll never know its on, but man does it make me feel better.

I'm currently 5'11, and weigh about 160lbs. I feel like a string bean when wearing clothes that are nowhere near too big for me. I have been dealing with a fistula myself for about 2 years and as much as much as I hate it, I'm afraid to get it removed, and go through all of that, only to risk it coming back again, which isn't uncommon. Sometimes due to drainage I get marks on my shorts as if I had an "accident" so I also wear "girl stuff" pads in my underwear sometimes to avoid it.

You still have your whole life ahead of you. Go to school, get your doctors, and prove to yourself you can do it. You don't owe it to anybody else, but be positive, and work for it, for yourself. I'm currently in school to get a Ph.D in psychology. Were still normal people, we can do anything a "normal" person can do.

As far as the marijuana, it might not be a bad idea to stay off of it. I don't smoke myself, but being 21, I'm not oblivious to the scenario. None of it is natural anymore, you're putting all these extra chemicals into yourself which for all you know could be causing a lot of the problems. I'm currently not on any meds whatsoever for crohn's and I strongly do feel after awhile, all these chemicals harm the body more then they do good. I know it seems like you do need some medical help at the moment, but I wouldn't put more into yourself then you need too.

Damn this is long lol. I feel bad for you because I know exactly what you're going through. You should join a few of us in the Nutrition section where were talking about working out. You might not feel confident going to a gym, so do things around the house. Hell, lift the microwave up and down, work your way up with things like that. I have a bowflex at home, so that's where I do my workout, but I will be going to a gym once I go back to school in September.

Crohn's has really given me the "screw everyone" point of view on life, and beside my fiance and close family, I don't really have much else,but because I want it that way. At our age, "friends" just stab you in the back anyways. Nobody needs that. Whenever somebody makes fun of you, just think to yourself "consider the source". What are they doing with their life? You sound like a smart kid, knowledge is power. They clearly haven't matured yet so they're not aware of keeping their comments to themselves.

Anyways, before this gets too long, you've came to the right place. Nobody will laugh at you here. You should try and find a good diet for yourself of what you can and can't eat, try and be as active as possible, and study study study. Do something with your life. You'll be laughing in 20 years.

If you ever want to talk one on one, send me a PM and ill give you my email address.