Telling someone special about Crohn's

[Mazen]

I'm back now to the dating scene after a stop of 2 years. I was in a long term relationship that ended badly, and didn't want to go into another one till now.

The problem I'm facing now, is how to tell a girl I'm interested in that I have Crohn's. People don't seem to understand it, or I seem to explain it wrong. Should I tell them that it's chronic, or should I only explain it as stomach problems and I need to watch what I eat? should I give details and tell that I don't know what may happen in the future, that I may have along remission or go to surgery????? I don't know if girls are interested in dating or marrying a sick person, even though I'm fine right now......

I'm now seeing a very nice girl, and I'm trying to find a way of telling her what I have without scaring her. Any tips???

 

[Kev]

That old saying.. "Honesty is the best policy" is true. Problem is, it isn't the easiest policy to follow. I know it's hard, esp. for us males, to confide personal information about ourselves. So, there's this girl you're interested in. Is she interested in you?
Has she divulged any personal info about herself? If a serious relationship is in the future, wait for an appropriate opportunity, and offer a little of your health issues a bit at a time.. Like, at dinner out together.. mention that you have to be carefull in what you order.. that you have a diet regimen you have to follow. If she asks for more details, fill in those details a bit at a time. See how she reacts. Like, you wouldn't try to eat a great meal in one bite. So don't force feed your date all of the health issues at one sitting. If she stops asking about it, then don't offer her more. Pardon the phrase, but she might be having a problem digesting all of it at once. Or she might have had her fill. Or, she might be deciding internally whether she is up to going into a relationship, and whether she can handle having one with a person with serious health issues. Regardless of gender, my experiences with dating have taught me that people approach potential partners with a check list in their minds. If you give it time, you might have earned enuff positive marks to counteract the negative of IBD. Or it might be that other issues have already decided it for her (either pro or con) before the topic of health even came to play.

Before I became ill, and was diagnosed, I was a single father with sole custody of my kids 24 X 7, 365 days of the year. That is extremely rare. When potential dates heard that I was divorced, with kids, most didn't have a problem thinking I was like most single dads.. You know, kids on holidays or every other weekend. I started off with a lot of women who were okay with that, but changed their minds when they realized that.. since I was a FULL TIME single parent, there were lots of times I wasn't available to come out and play, or take off for a weekend, or ship out on a cruise.. And that was their problem, not mine. It didn't really reflect on me as a person at all. I could tell you loads of single dad dating nitemare stories.

You say she is a nice person.. you and she are seeing each other. I hope it works out. If it doesn't, and it's because of the IBD, then it's her issue, not your health.

 

[kix66]

I recently had to do this myself......I feel in the beginning, just give the basics. You don't want to overwelm the person. I explained it that I have a cronic intestinal disease that is controlled with medication. I do watch what I eat, but most people do these days. As your relationship progresses so should the information you share with her.

The first guy I told had no idea what I was talking about but he was fine with it, the second guy had surgery himself for a tumer and watches what he eats to he was verrrrrryyyy understanding.

Best of luck and heck if she bolts when you tell her then she's not the one that will be there for you in the tough times.

 

[ruthymg]

This is a problem thats arisen with most of us here and unfortunately theres no right or wrong answer as everyone is different. All we can do is tell you our experiences and hope that you meet someone who accepts you for who you are. I too was a single parent like Kev, as my ex partner of 9 years couldn't accept that I had crohn's. When I began dating again, I had several men who backed right away when I told them I had crohns. They just didn't want the baggage. It was ok to be a single mum, but not ok to have a chronic illness. I had just about given up when I met my now husband. I got quite drunk on our first proper date and just came out with the fact that I had crohns, and he thankfully was ok with it. I think its best to be cautious, and best not to give too much away about yourself unless things seem as though they might go somewhere. Hope all works out for you.


Ruth