Think I've hit rock bottom.

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hannah-rose

hannah-rose

Joined
Apr 22, 2011
Messages
553
This is going to be a long post so let me apologise in advance...

I've not felt this low since last year, and I really don't know how much more I can take.

I moved to London 4 months ago to take an internship (which turned into a job) in PR. I was so miserable before living at home, working a crappy call centre job, feeling like I'd failed at life, that I was soooo happy and excited to be living the glamorous life in London.

Thing is, it hasn't really been like I expected. I left a job which was dead-end and beneath me in terms of my qualifications, but I loved the people I worked with, we socialised together and they were genuine friends. In my new job the office is only 7 people, the boss is intimidating and my colleagues often aloof and I wouldn't consider any of them friends. They don't know me really and they're not interested in forming friendships, although I've tried.

I work 9am-6pm and the commute is knackering, it's an hour each way, one train and one tube, I leave my house at 7:40 and get home at 19:10. I have no spare time in the evenings and I find London way too busy and stressful.

I don't like where I'm living and I often have trouble sleeping. My housemates are never around and I often feel very lonely here, especially knowing my family and friends are all back home in Bedford. I've met a couple of people in London but I don't see them often. I was seeing a guy for the last three months but we just broke up, which has upset me quite a bit. Now I feel even more alone. The room I have in the house is on the ground floor and the walls are really thin so when people are in the kitchen above all I can hear is crash! bang! when people just walk across the floor. My housemate and her boyfriend are up there now and it's SO noisy, it really disturbs me and stresses me out, I can hear everything, and it stops me sleeping. I use earplugs but it's that loud I can still hear some.

I think I've made a huge mistake coming here and all I want to do is move back home to my family and friends, but if I do that I'll always wonder what could have been and I'll be seriously jeopardising my career.

To top it off my Crohn's is flaring up really bad.

I called in sick for work today (my boss sounded really pissed off) then I dragged my sorry ass into the GPs surgery this morning, burst into tears (as you do) and explained that I have Crohn's and was feeling really unwell and hadn't felt this bad before and told him all my symptoms (Anal pain, ulceration, bleeding, stomach pain, fatigue). Well to start with the positives the GP was AMAZING. Such an intelligent, sincere, kind, empathetic man. He made me feel totally comfortable and offered me tissues (the other GP didn't when I cried).

He said my stomach pain sounded a lot like indigestion pain, because of where it was and it's after eating so he prescribed me 20mg Omeprazole a day for 28 days, to reduce stomach acid.

Then he said he should look at my tail end, and he said there was quite significant ulceration which could very well be infected. He took a swab and prescribed me 3 x 400mg Metronidazole daily for 7 days. The nurse also packed the wound with Aquacel and gauze and sent me away with some to dress it with.

He also asked me how I was coping emotionally with everything (I'm not, I'm falling apart), and I've got another appointment Wednesday evening to discuss things further. I'm also seeing the nurse this Saturday to check the ulcer hasn't deteriorated.

The GP is also organising an emergency appointment with a local GI to review me to see what other medications might help.

I just want to go home. I want to give up the job, London, everything and just go home and have my parents look after me and be with my friends. I don't know what the hell I'd do for work and I'd be giving up a hugely lucrative job opportunity, but I'm just miserable. I haven't been happy since I've been here, and I've spent more hours crying on the phone to my Mum than I care to think about.

I feel like a massive failure. I got everything I wanted/worked so hard for, and now I don't even want it and can't cope with it. I'm 24 years old, I thought I would be stronger than this.

Hannah x
 
Hey Hannah. I'm so glad the GP visit went so well. He sounds like a great guy. But it's a horrible vicious circle, isn't it? You'd probably feel better about being there if your health was better, but is it the stress of being there that's causing the Crohn's flare. It might help to make two lists: the pros and cons of staying and the same with leaving. It can help to focus and rationalise your thoughts.
Did you look into support groups in London? Of course we are here for you, but it might be good to have some Crohnie contacts to meet up with.
Hang in there, kid xxx
 
is it really that bad if you go back home that you will mess up your career? no chance of finding a similar job in the US?

It sounds really hard to deal with all of that alone in a foregin land, id do what grumbletum said, try to list pros and cons and see what is more important to you!

you are not a massive failure! sometimes shit happens, you will bounce back from this eventually, if it ends with going home or not.

im crossing my fingers for you Hannah!
 
Sounds like me when I left for grad school minus the Crohn's flare (I was the same age too).

I didn't know anyone and all I wanted to do was go back home. In all honesty I don't think the degree was really worth what I put my body through in grad school, not to mention all the money I spent. Who knows though, your situation could be different (it already is with the flare).

You're only 24, its not like there wont be any other opportunities in the future. No matter what choice you make, you're not a failure. All of us back your decision 100%! :D

Seems like the most important thing to do right now is look after your health. You need to get better and then you can be the best you can be no matter where you are.
 
Hannah=
There is no harm in saying- I took a leap of faith it didnt work out the way I thought and I am going back to where I was happy! Do it now ! Sometimes leaving is the only way to know you were where you should have been all along!

Lauren
 
First, you need a giant hug :ghug:

Second, before you give up on your current situation in London, try your best to get your health on track. Once you do, you might find more enjoyment in your job. See if there are any networking events in your field that you can attend to expand your professional sphere (and potentially your friend sphere). Get out on the weekends and explore the city. Volunteer with a cause you find important - you'll be doing something that is personally fulfilling, and maybe you'll make some friends along the way. Having said all that, let's move onto "Third"...

Third, as others have expressed, there is nothing wrong with admitting defeat (if that is what the situation is). You are still young and can forge a career in the next few decades. People even change careers and find success much later in life. Just don't waste time doing something you don't love (if you can). Take a step back and look at the bigger picture - and decide where your priorities, at this moment, lie.
 
Hello Hannah

So sorry to read about your current predicament. When your Crohn's is misbehaving it is difficult to look on the bright side. Things really will get better and now you've found a sympathetic GP that should really help. Do you have a consultant in London? I'm under the care of St.Thomas' in Westminster and have been treated well.

Is it possible to find somewhere else to live? I think people underestimate how stressful a noisy home environment is. When I was first married we lived in a lovely, quite flat. Everything was fine until the people above us moved out and the new occupiers moved in. We sold up and moved on, the stress of waiting for the next disturbance was too great.

If you are finding London too busy then you might want to avoid it as much as possible over the next few 'Olympic' weeks. I walked up from Belgravia to Piccadilly yesterday and with all the tourists, and finally the heat, I found it stressful in places.

I'm not aware of any support groups in London. There is a UK specific Crohn's Forum that you might want to have a look at and ask the question there

Hope you start to feel better

Nigel
 
Just thought I'd send you a hug! (my "kids" are probably close to your age and stage of life..)
Hang in there - your heart will tell you the best choices to make :)


HD
 
Hey Hanna, boy things are going crazy for you right now. My heart goes out to you. I would absolutely recommend you take this time to be around your loved ones. If that means moving back home then you know why not?? You are not a failure by any means. I wouldn't classify anyone living with Crohn's as a failure, in fact your are a true champion to put up with all this rubbish. Don't stress over the future and don't compare yourself to the standards of others. Just do what's right for you and listen to your instincts. I have to tell you, earlier this year I was in a very similar situation as you described and I think I know how you feel.
 
There are two things to consider here.Your ill health AND your unhappy situation in your work place and accommodation.Have you discussed everything with your family ? I know if you were my daughter I'd tell you to come home for some hugs and start again.Honestly life is too short to be unhappy when you can do something about it.Hope your health improves soon,I send you lots of smiles and hugs in the meanwhile.
 
Hi Hannah
Just checking in to find out how you are today. Keep in touch & let us know.
 
Hey everyone :) Thank you so much for all your kind words, it means so much to me that I have the support of this forum.

After a dreadful few days things are starting to improve a little. Just had an awkward goodbye conversation the the ex when he came to drop some stuff back to me, urgh I hate breakups, they are so sad. He looked really good and it was lovely chatting with him. I swear it's the stress of bad relationships that makes me so ill! I'll stay single again until I meet 'the one' for sure.

Had to call in sick again today as I threw up twice last night and couldn't take my antibiotics. Just couldn't face the sweltering commute and having not eaten I felt so weak and still queasy. Went to see the GP again and he was lovely, I told him I still felt ill and had been sick, he felt my stomach and he's said to reduce the metronidazole dose by half (half a tablet three times a day) and he's prescribed anti-sickness pills to take. He said he didn't want to jump the gun with what has been making me sick, because it could be hot weather, could be stress, could be a stomach bug or maybe the azathioprine, although it's not listed as a common side effect. I'm seeing the nurse Saturday to check on my ulcer, and I'm seeing him again next Wednesday just to see how I am in general.

Work were actually ok when I called in which was good. I'm feeling a bit more positive about being here in London, although I still feel lonely and if I'm honest jealous of a lot of people I see having a better time than me.

I've got several friends from uni who have made a real success of their lives, theyre either doing jobs they love and living with good friends and have great social lives, or theyre living with partners having great careers, or I look through facebook and see photos of friends mad adventures in Thailand or whatever.

It's hard though because of the recession it's not easy to find work, London is the only place where there really are jobs, and if I decided to move back home I'd be very unlikely to find anything in my professional field, I may get temp work but that's about it. The only other place I'd consider moving to is Norwich, which is where my friend Lynn lives, and I could move in with her, but then it's probably not sensible to go somewhere just to be with a friend and not for yourself. Don't get me wrong I love Norwich and if I could find a job there it'd be the perfect place to be, but again it's about finding work.

I do enjoy the work I'm doing, and I've been told I'm good at it. I'd prefer if it was more about working with people. Wouldn't we all like a job that was a bit more people-focused and din't involve sitting in an office all day? I spent so long trying to work out what I wanted to do for a career and I still feel a bit at sea. I'd love a job that I could honestly say I loved and was good at. Granted I haven't given it enough time to decide yet and with my health and emotions really suffering at the moment it's hard to give work my all.

How do we figure life out? What to do? What the point of it all is? What's for the best?

I thought at 24 (and a half) I'd have it sussed but I feel more confused than ever. Everybody around me seems happy, and I'm not. I just wish I knew the answers and what decisions were for the best.

If I had the health and the energy to stay here, put everything I had into socialising and meeting new people I might find that I really liked it, but I'm not able at the moment. If I went home I'd be happy in the short term, but I'd get better and then I'd more than likely start moping about about I was in my mid-twenties, living at home, wanting independence and a career etc. Can't really win!

I guess it's hard to have a clear perspective on things when you're ill, because all I really want is a bigggggg cuddle from my Mummy :) xx
 
Ps I joined the NACC because I was told that they were the ones to put you in touch with local support groups and there are ones in London so I'm waiting to hear from them. It would be really good to have people to talk to and do stuff with who understand xx
 
well.you do sound a wee bit more positive than you did Pet,and that's good.Only you know what's right for you.Just don't assume that everyone is having a better life than you.THEY'RE NOT.People are very good at hiding the bad things in life.Health,holidays,families,jobs and boyfriends they've ALL got their downsides,It's just that some people are good at hiding stuff and prefer to ignore things and hope they'll improve.So get your health sorted and hopefully the rest of your life will look brighter.hugs from "Up North"Pet.
 
hannah-rose said:
Ps I joined the NACC because I was told that they were the ones to put you in touch with local support groups and there are ones in London so I'm waiting to hear from them. It would be really good to have people to talk to and do stuff with who understand xx
Click to expand...

Yes,thats a good positive move.I've been on that one and it's very good.You'll get lots of local support from them.:rosette2::hug:
 
Glad to hear you are sounding brighter. I do admire you for having the guts (probably a bad choice of word) to make you way over here to follow your chosen career. I would never have done that at twenty four and a half!

Don't get too wound up by others who appear to be having a better life than you. As Scottsma says they are a lot of people out there who are good at hiding their true feelings. Maybe it's a side effect of having Crohn's but the people I've met with the disease do seem to wear their hearts on their sleeves.
 
Hi Hannah! I am so sorry you are going through such hard times. Stress and crohn's do not mix :( I wanted to ask you if you have ever tried diet? Maybe things will be easier if you can get your health on track. I use the SCD diet to control my Crohn's. I am hearing some people even just trying gluten free are finding some relief.
 
Hi Hannah
Glad you are feeling a little better about things. Dont worry about figuring life out just yet. I am 40 now & still not there yet lol.
If I wasnt going In hospital I would come & see you & give you the big hug you need. I am so proud of you and all your achievements with your job & moving away from family to try for a good career, you are an absolute star & someone for other young ladies to look up to. It sucks that you are having so much trouble with your health but even now you are trying to figure out a way to keep that dream so well done. You deserve a big pat on the back.
You are my hero!
Keep posting Hannah, we are all here for you.:ghug:
 
That's the terrible thing about chronic illness when you are young (I am 25) you can't do the things you want always but have to watch all your friends have fabulous lives around you- and your health can get worse at a moments notice without warning. Beside the fact that when you're young you should be out partying- without wishing to belittle anyone's suffering, when illness hits someone in middle-age they've already had a youth/life. Not like us who struggle to get started or can only manage a little.

I know you feel some kind of failure, but from where I am standing Hannah you have some huge achievements and positives in your life. I'm still stuck living at home, undiagnosed and too ill to work or socialise- so it could be worse for you!
 
Have you considered writing? Reading your posts....you have a nice tone. Just a thought.

Anyway, totally different situation but I know how you feel. Adrift. For me I find it particularly frustrating because I feel so certain that there is something of significance I am supposed to be doing. I'm intelligent, I have a college degree from a good school and an amazing work ethic. I'm 25 (26 next month).

I can say that a lot of my friends who I had considered to be better situated career-wise, are actually not. Most are dealing with a lot of discontent. It makes me feel better. Not in a misery-loves-company way, just that I don't feel like such a moron then, you know?

Health issues just add another wrench. I've been at my position basically since I graduated college, a little over 3.5 years, and I don't like it. I try to look for other jobs, but it is extremely difficult when I'm constantly ill and having flare ups. I get it. Your situation I mean. I am sorry. If it matters to you at all, there are loads of us out there.
 
hannah-rose said:
How do we figure life out? What to do? What the point of it all is? What's for the best?

I thought at 24 (and a half) I'd have it sussed but I feel more confused than ever. Everybody around me seems happy, and I'm not. I just wish I knew the answers and what decisions were for the best.


Ha! I'm 46 and haven't answered those questions!

I know you are lonely and feeling ill right now. But you've found a good GP that you like. That's a plus. You can talk to your mom everyday even if you can't be around her. 4 months isn't a very long time. Try to give your professional life a bit more time. It sucks, but change often does. I know I hate it!

You are right; the economy is so depressed right now that good jobs are few and far between. Hang in if you can. Believe this old mom, your mum will always have a bed for you and will always have her arms open.

Good luck hon!
Click to expand...
 
Hey everyone :)

Star Girl, you sound totally like I felt last year. I was stuck at home, undiagnosed, luckily I had a job but because I didn't know how my health was going to affect my life I couldn't plan for the future. Now I do know, for the short term at least, what my options are. I totally know what you mean about being struck down in the midst of youth, it feels really unfair. You know how embarrassing it it telling new boyfriends that I have ulcers in bum? Man it's such a huge deal and you never know how they're going to react. Luckily all have been positive but it's the least sexy thing I could think of admitting to a new partner. If I had a stoma it'd be even more difficult, I'm grateful for small mercies.

I'm only just facing up to having a 'chronic illness'. It's weird but because it doesn't affect me in the sense that usually I can go about my business as normal, I'm in denial a lot I think. I have to be careful about toileting and hygiene and taking my meds and eating a lot of wheatabix, and I get pain and bleeding and general grossness when I have ulcers, but it doesn't leave me bedridden. In that sense it can be really hard to explain because how do you explain you're actually really unwell and are needing lots of appointments and emergency GI appointments when you look fine.

My consultant and IBD nurse always say, 'you look really well!' I'm like, errrr yeah it's called makeup!

ThatsWhatSheSaid thank you for your compliment about writing. I actually wrote a blog post about IBD on this forum and got a heap of positive feedback and it does cross my mind sometimes to take up creative writing or start a blog. Who knows maybe I will then I can become a successful author and work from home, that'd be lovely :)

Just to hear your positivity tells me you can (and will) find a fulfilling career. There aren't that many people that do posses the qualities you mentioned, and so regardless of your illness you will find something of meaning to do, I'm sure. I know what you mean I was in my old job for 18 months and periodically looked for other jobs but didn't know what I could do because I didn't know how my health was going to pan out, it's frustrating. And it's also true that other people's lives aren't perfect, things look perfect (on facebook usually) but they're not, everyone has their own demons.

Thanks Michele for the motherly kindness :) I'm never to old to admit I love a bit of mothering, even from strangers! And you're right maybe we never really figure things out, we just have to keep learning and trying new things and having new experiences.


You can probably tell from my tone that today's a lot better. I feel a lot more positive about being here, about being independent and away from home. A huge turning point was my boss today. I admitted I had Crohn's on Tuesday after I'd had a sick day, before that he just new I had 'health issues'. Then he scheduled a meeting in my calendar for this afternoon and I was preparing for the worst, I didn't know what but he never struck me as warm and cuddly so I thought I was going to get a rollocking for being off sick.

Anyway he sat my down with the HR girl and said, first of all thank you for telling me that you have this unfortunate condition. Secondly he said I don't have to go into any further detail than I have done about my Crohn's symptoms unless I feel comfortable, but I'm under no pressure to do so, so basically if I call in sick again I just have to say Crohn's and it's fine. Thirdly he doesn't want me to feel under any pressure at all to be in the office if I feel unwell, and that he doesn't want my job putting any extra pressure on my illness. And lastly my contract states that sick pay is at his discretion, and that I'm in my probationary period, but that he says he will definitely pay me for all my sick days.

What a dude!

I seriously though he was going to sack me or something. I was astounded. I think he knew he had to be really careful about the situation because for an employer it is difficult to navigate and you have to be all equality and diversity etc. but it did feel like it came from a genuinely caring place which was really nice, and I feel so much more inspired to work there now and so much more loyal to the company, which definitely works to his benefit so it's win win.

Big smiles :D
 

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