hi betty!
similar to what ding experienced, i have had eating disorder issues as a result of crohns.
i know an eating disorder due to body image (im thinking that is what you struggle with?) is a LOT different than one that is caused by physical reasons....but i think that trap of thoughts is the same.
i have always had issues with eating. i waz dx when i was 9, and i remember even as a little kid being sooooooo hungry, spending 15 minutes staring at things in the kitchen, and finally just sitting on the floor crying.
that same sort of thing has followed me all the way to this day. more so in the past year i have become more aware of things though. i realized that the process of physical hunger--thought 'i am hungry'--seek out food, that chain is broken for me. ive realized that SO often i am physically hungry, and i actually have to force myself to realize 'oh, that feeling means im hungry'. its not automatic. also instead of feeling driven to seek out food, i just feel like...repulsed by it. i can know that im really hungry but the actual thought of eating something, anything, triggers such a deep repulsion.
this isnt all the time, when i feel sick, thats the case. when im feeling allright, i have a relatively normal relationship with food. but of course, when youre sick is when you need to eat MORE lol.
its become like, feeling sick for any reason....whether i am crapping my brains out or just have a headache.....is cause to shut down that normal process of eating.
idk, it is very weird and obnoxious. but i think, like ding said, you body realizes that eating=pain, whether its right away or hours away in your digestion. food is what makes your digestive system have to work, and no matter how hard you want to mentally overcome that....its just so engrained you know?
one of my huge other blocks that i realized recently is that i will put farrrr too much thought into it when i know i need to eat something. ill be sitting there like "i know im hungry. i havent eaten anything since yesterday. i MUST eat something. but....this doesnt sound good, that doesnt sound good, im only gonna eat two bites of this....this isnt nutritious enough"....i would stress out so much about what would be 'successful' or unsuccessful to eat. so weird right? but i felt that if i made toast and only ate half of it....that i did a bad job.
thing is though, part of the rewiring for ME was to block out all of those thoughts, as they were only hindering me. i try to not judge what i should and should not eat and whats good enough or not....even if i eat 2 crackers. i try to tell myself that thats ok, thats 2 crackers more in my stomach than if i had judged it as not good enough and not eaten at all. and i will try again to eat something else shortly.
you know? instead of wasting the time feeling like crap for not eating 'enough' at dinner, look at what you did eat, and save that strength for later so that you can eat a bit more.
do you have foods that you do like? maybe it would help to come up with a list of the things you are most likely TO eat, and just have that for yourself. when you know you need to eat but just cant take the steps to, maybe it would help to look at the list and see what at that moment looks the least offensive?
ive also realized that i eat more when i cook for myself. if i make homemade soup vs. openeing a can....its easier for me to get down. dont know why really, but its good to know.
i hope some of that helped. like i said, even though eating disorders can be for vastly different reasons, the end result is the same you know? maybe yours is a combonation of triggers. for me, haha i dont even know what to call my problems. not anorexic...not bullimia....none of those already labeled disorders apply to me. yet my process of eating is abnormal, as i think is probably the case for many people with crohns and UC and things.
youre not alone =]
