Update - slight moan and rant, any advice?

[xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx]

I think really I know the answers to any questions I have, I kinda just want to chat about what is going on with like-minded people! (Sorry its long!)
So, any of you following my story for the last few months know that I have been stressing with my last year of uni since being admitted to hospital in Feb with an abscess. (everything with that seems to be ok really). I was encouraged to think about starting infliximab/humira but I asked to wait until all my work was over. I wasn't feeling bad and had soo much on my mind!
Its been especially hard since I have been behind all my friends, watching them finish their dissertations and exams before me has been hard.
But two days ago I finally finished all my work in time to graduate this year! (as long as I pass obviously!) I am so proud of myself that I have managed to organise my time and get everything done despite not being well and having so much else going on. And my grades haven't seemed to suffer too much either. A few weeks ago when I started exam revision I started to feel my crohn's symptoms worsen, I don't feel awful, my diet hasn't been effected at all (I haven't weighed myself but don't think I am loosing weight) I have just had a bit more discomfort/pains and diarrhoea.
Obviously since finishing I have wanted to finally let go a bit and have some fun. Thursday night I went out and had a pint and half of cider and I felt fine yesterday. Last night I went out and had three vodkas. Today I feel bad!! (not even that bad to be honest in crohn's terms, constant pain but only a 1-2 on the pain scale and ive had diarrhoea three times today).
I know this is what happens when I'm not well and I drink alcohol. This is not news to me! If I am feeling fine then I can drink but if I drank tonight it would just be silly!!
The problem is all my closest friends are going out tonight and because I haven't gone out with them for a while due to working they really want me to come, especially as uni is almost over and we don't have much time together any more.
I went shopping with them today, only lasted a few hours then I just had to go home. I'm just feeling a bit down because they don't understand the severity of what happens when I drink. Its not just that I get a bit of pain and an upset stomach its that If I don't try to manage my inflammation, ultimately it can cause long term damage. I was speaking to one of them about it today, I am as honest as possible with them because they are really caring and support me a lot, and I try to make them understand. (I don't go into too much detail I just say I'm not well today/have a bad tummy).
The problem is we are going on holiday soon (20th) and I do not want to be feeling like this on holiday! I just thought to myself if I don't drink/watch what I eat and try to recover until then I will hopefully be feeling better on holiday and be able to join in more. But she just didn't get it! Didn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter how much I drink its just the fact that the alcohol inside me will cause harm. Its as if I was talking about being hungover, there is loads of time until I go on holiday. Well 11 days isn't that long to try and heal my bowel is it?
And as I realise the whole of my post so far has been about drinking alcohol, some of you are going to say, you don't need to drink alcohol to have a good time. I 100% agree with you! My problem with tonight is that its a Saturday night, the club will be busy, I will get shoved and have guys trying to touch my bum... All of that is so much easier to deal with with even one drink! Sober I just know I will get pissed off and not enjoy it!
I'm just feeling down because none of this is fair! Its not fair that I had to go into hospital and I missed so much and now I have achieved so much I'm not even allowed to celebrate it how I want to! I'm also worried because I am having an examination under anaesthetic two days before my graduation ceremony and I am so so so worried I might somehow miss it. I have worked so hard for it and right now that would be the worst thing that could happen to me!
I love my friends and my uni life so much and I'm upset I cant enjoy this last bit of being a student while I can, and that my friends don't understand why I can't join in.
I just want to feel better, and although I haven't been too bad I don't think I have had full remission for a long time and I am so tired! I want to enjoy being 21 and not have to worry about surgery. I don't normally like to moan about this sort of thing because I know I cant change it. But I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself from time to time!!
Thanks for reading!

 

[skippy111]

Yes, you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself, it is ok to let it out, we are all here for you. Know that you are not alone.

 

[littlemissh]

I think you are perfectly normal for wanting to feel 'normal'. I can only tell you about what I do about alcohol as many others will have different strategies.
Since i started with symptoms 2.5 years ago it became clear that alcohol made me worse so I just stopped drinking. This made it easier. I don't have to explain why I am am not drinking alcohol on any particular occasion as everyone knows I don't drink now. For me its a fear thing of making things worse, perhaps because I haven't really been symptom free.
People don't mind, all my family and friends drink and they never try and persuade me, in fact they think its great that I am their taxi driver. I have other drinks that I like and they know thats what to get if there is a party etc. It works for me and I can honestly say I don't miss alcohol or its effects. I'm not seen as odd or weird and I feel fine about it. Perhaps I am lucky?
Hope you enjoy your final uni days!

 

[shazz]

Oh Holly how I wish I could take it away for you. If only for a while so you could enjoy going out with your friends and being young.
I honestly don't know how you have done the work and gotten yourself through unit. You are truly amazing and such a strong woman.
I can't offer any advice but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
I also think its good every now and then to feel sorry for yourself. I do! I have a day every now and then when I sit and cry and moan and whine about all the food I cnt eat the places I can't go and the things I cantndo.
Moan and feel sorry for yourself. You deserve it hun!
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx:hug::heart:

 

[xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx]

Thanks guys!
littlemissh, I do go through phases where I don't drink and its fine. Its just the whole club culture I think is rly difficult to be into without alcohol. The thing is that I know I'm not going to go out clubbing for the rest of my life. I started at 18 and I can already feel the difference in tiredness and hangovers at 21! And it does sort of go hand in hand with being a student. And I think as long as it isn't every night and you don't go too crazy it is fun. Especially for girls its nice deciding what your wearing and doing your hair and make up and going for a drink and a dance. Me and my friends do plan a lot of other things to do together as well. Its just frustrating that it has happened at the end and I feel like I can't enjoy it. I did just go and meet up with them all for their 'pre-drinks' (I didn't drink anything) so it was good to see them all and hang out and then they got in the taxi to go out and I came home. So probably a good compromise for the night, especially as I went out last night. Still feeling fed up though
I'm so tired! I just haven't stopped for so long. Me and my housemate are planning a duvet day tomorrow to laze about and watch films! So for once I'm hoping its not a sunny day so I don't feel guilty about staying in!