What to do When People Wont Help Themselves?

[Jennifer]

On this thread we've talked about the loved ones who are on the sidelines watching their loved one suffer through all these tests and worry for them constantly and try to be by their side while they get or wait for their diagnosis.

Yet there are many of us who know that there's something wrong with someone else but they refuse to go to the doctor or the ER because of whatever EXCUSE they bring up and there's nothing we can do about it. What do you do when someone refuses to help themselves?

Obviously we take them to the ER if they fall over and pass out but when they have obvious symptoms yet put it off cause "its not that bad," or "it went away," or "I can't afford it," or "I don't have insurance," or "I have an appointment ____ days/weeks/months from now so I'll just bring it up then," or "it's the weekend, I'll do it on Monday," or "I can't take time off of work" and the list of EXCUSES goes on and on while their livelihood and LIFE is in danger.

I'm dealing with this vary issue right now with my boyfriend who came home from work early because he was vomiting and in pain and he knows that he needs to see a GI doc but he needs a referral from a GP yet he could go to the ER right now where they can do some tests and make sure that it isn't something currently life threatening. He has an appointment with a GP on the 29th and could have seen the doc tomorrow if he wanted but he doesn't want to take off work. We're pretty sure that he needs his gallbladder removed and I think he has some form of IBD that hasn't been diagnosed (bleeding, mucus, frequency, pain etc.).

But I also see this vary issue pop up on the forum all the time and we've already lost one member on this forum because of a similar issue. So please, take care of yourselves.

 

[Jennifer]

I'll add my own feelings about it. Not only does it make me sad when people won't help themselves but it makes me mad. Not just mad at the insurance companies but mad at the person who obviously needs help and knows that they need help yet they do nothing or try to handle it on their own time yet illnesses have a time line of their own and don't work with your schedule. I don't understand why they won't at least take care of themselves for their loved ones. To me, their priorities need to get straightened out. Ya we need to eat and we need a roof over our heads and we want this or that or other people depend on us but how can you enjoy or take care of all these things if you're dead?

That part was just a rant really and that's what I told my boyfriend today. Sure I'll still stick by his side and continue to encourage him but what else can I do?

 

[vonfunk]

Unfortunately there isn't much that you can do until the lesson is learned.

I learned the hard way during my first flare up.

The only other thing would be try and explain how much it is hurting you to see him go through it, while not the nicest way to convince a person, guilt can go a long way.

 

[Jennifer]

I did tell him how it makes me feel yet its still his decision.

One more thing I have to say on the subject, there's a fine line between overreacting and something that could actually be life threatening but you can't see what's going on inside of your body so its better to be safe than sorry when symptoms make you question if its serious or not or if its something that goes away and returns over and over or if it isn't that bad but its not going away or if the symptom/s isn't/aren't normal for you etc. Catching the problem EARLY is ideal and I just wish that everyone believed that and took care of it.

 

[lynx]

Yeah, I waited forever to goto the ER the first time i was hit by a severe flare... it took me vomiting almost hourly to convince me it was time to go (of course there wasn't anything coming out..just dry heaves...) Lesson learned.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Denial is a very strong thing. Tomorrow's the anniversary of the death of a friend of mine, so I've been thinking about him a lot this week. I remember both of us having strong denial about different things. He was a drug user, and I remember having a conversation with him in which I expressed concern for his well-being, and he laughed and said, "Don't worry, I'm not going to die!" Well, he did die a few months after that (not from drugs). And I remember being told that he had passed, and my brain just screamed, "NO NO NO NO NO! Not true, didn't happen!" The denial was so strong, even though it was something I knew. I knew it was coming, I knew it had happened. And yet I was still in denial.

I guess my point is, it's incredibly easy to be in denial about serious things that affect you personally. It's easy to say, I'm okay, I'm not in trouble, I've been worse, I'll get through this. Nobody thinks they're going to die or that they're in serious trouble - it's easy to let denial take over and let things get too far gone. I think that's why this forum is so helpful - by reading stories of others who got themselves into trouble, the rest of us have the knowledge that we shouldn't wait that long and if we're vomiting or passing out that we need to get help now. It definitely keeps me grounded and out of denial - in the past, I would have just sat at home being miserable, but now if I flare or vomit I go to the doctor.

Crabby, is your boyfriend open to reading some of the threads on the forum? It might help him gain some perspective - he may look at certain threads and say, oh, that could have been me or I've been there and I didn't think it could be that serious.

 

[Jennifer]

I tell him about the forum and sometimes read posts or talk about you guys to him and all I've gotten back from him was that he saw a GI doc in Florida who tested him for Crohn's and said it was negative so he just assumes he doesn't have it (but that doc sounded like a total quack to me cause gall stones don't make you bleed out of your butt and a barium swallow isn't the only test that should be done). Yet she did tell him that he probably needs his gallbladder removed but the pain he has there comes and goes so he doesn't get it checked out. Its so frustrating. I plan on going with him to his appointment next week to make sure he talks to the doctor about it and to try and get a GI referral.

 

[ameslouise]

Once he feels better, withhold sex until he gets a full GI work up AND his gallbladder removed!

- Amy

 

[Jessica]

lol @ Ame

My brother is sure he has Crohn's but won't go to the doc or even have his blood taken. It's so frustrating. I know where you're coming from.

<3

 

[Silvermoon]

I think boyfriends and husbands are the most stubborn people in the world... lol

the only other thought I have for you is to turn it around on him... how does he feel when he knows you are sick and refusing to do something about it??
:shrug:

 

[vonfunk]

I am going to be the first to admit to stubbornness. It took me six weeks of bleeding, not eating for 3 weeks, almost passing out twice on my way to work and half an hour of vomiting in the washroom at work before I got checked out.
And even then I stayed for a couple of hours to finish doing a couple of reports before leaving around 11.

Part of it is not showing weakness as to not worry loved ones.

 

[Jessica]

I had symptoms for almost 6 months. It eventually led to me not wanting to eat, boyfriend, family and friends making me eat since I wasn't telling them why. I was making 10-20 trips to the bathroom a day all the while sucking down Imodium 6-10 times a day. Eventually they figured it out and made me go see a doctor. When I finally went, I was scheduled for a colonoscopy within two days.

 

[mizgarnet]

I was ill and in denial. My hubby came home at lunch to find me in the bed and not at work. He looked at me and said "Baby you have to go to the doctor. I can't help you. There is nothing else I can do." He was pretty intense and the anger/angst really came thru. I couldn't get in to see my regular doc so I went to a walk in doctor's office. They really could not help but that at least got me started. Now my hubby knows what to do for me. My doc explained what "care" I need and what "tough love" I need. He now knows what to demand in the ER! Good luck. We denial junkies are difficult to love at times!

 

[Jessica]

My doc and boyfriend finally met after two years yesterday. Took my boyfriend 10 minutes to rat me out for eating a couple handfuls of popcorn ONCE in the past 6 months or so! This is what I get for bringing home my doctor's notes for him to read. They were working together and I didn't even realize it. lol

People like us need this kind of "tough love" though. Miz, I understand what you're talking about. Sometimes we need a kick in the behind. We don't like what we have to do and will try to avoid it. But in the end, our loved ones & docs have us around their fingers.

 

[Mountaingem]

Unfortunately there isn't much that you can do until the lesson is learned.

I learned the hard way during my first flare up.

The only other thing would be try and explain how much it is hurting you to see him go through it, while not the nicest way to convince a person, guilt can go a long way.

I definitely second what vonfunk is saying here. After 16 years of marriage, that's the only way to get my husband to help himself. He has ridiculously high cholesterol, despite meds, diet, etc. and also a high chance of inheriting several diseases that run in his family. He thinks if a doctor doesn't tell him somethings' wrong, then he's fine.

I tell him how much I love him, and how all the things I go through is so we will have a long life together. Then I guilt him into telling him how much it hurts me that he's unwilling to do the same...works every time.

I don't feel good about manipulating my hubby, but if it saves his life, well, it's worth it to me. If he responded to anything else, I'd try it!

 

[Jennifer]

Well so far he went to a GP on Monday and she wants blood work done (has to be in the morning, fasting and all) and he's waiting till Sat. to do it cause he doesn't want to miss work. "Fine" I say angrily through my teeth. He also got a two referrals to specialists (a GI and a Podiatrist), he's yet to call and make an appointment with either. He has another appointment on the 13th with the GP to go over the blood work, yet she's gonna ask about those referrals and he's gonna have nothing to say cause he hasn't and won't most likely do squat by then.

 

[Mountaingem]

OMG that is so frustrating! He sounds exactly like my husband. So I'll grit my teeth and say, "Why bother going to the doctor if you aren't going to take the tests?" Which of course leads to an argument.

 

[Nyx]

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. We've all done it - Christ, I wound up with a stoma because I was in denial...my b/f is doing the same thing. Every time he's home he says he needs to go see his doctor to adjust his meds, and he never does. He gets busy with the kids, or work, or doing things around the house, or visiting family/friends. It doesn't help to nag them, or to try to guilt them into it (my b/f was there through my whole ordeal and he still won't go to the doctor unless he's dying)....

The only thing you can do is just be there, holding your tongue, and hope he does the right thing...

Sorry this hasn't been more helpful...

 

[Jennifer]

I don't think we've all done it Nyx. I know I haven't. Obvious signs of something wrong gets me to the doctor asap. A cold, no, a cold that last for weeks on end, yes. Also, I can't hold my tongue and rarely do depending on the situation. I prefer to be blunt and to the point. Had I not done that much, I don't think he would have gotten those referrals from the GP and would have just gone in for pain management.