23 Crohns and Depressed

[Flux]

Hi everyone,

My mom told me to come here to talk because she noticed that I'm depressed and she thinks I should talk to people who know what I'm going through.

I'm not sure where to start. but I'll do my best.


I have no idea what its like to feel normal.
For as long as I can remember I have had stomach pain.
When I was little I remember laying down to get my stomach to stop hurting.

I thought it was normal, but every now and then it would hurt so bad I cried.
It stayed this way until a few years ago.

I moved out with a few friends when I was 19.
I was still having stomach problems, especially after eating.
I noticed as time went on the more I ate the worse it got.

It got so bad that I was living off Top Ramen and mashed potatoes.
I remember staying in the car when my friends would go inside a store because it would hurt my stomach to walk.
I couldn't do it.
I lost my job eventually because I couldn't work.

I was yelled at by my dad and for being lazy and being worthless and told that no girl would ever date anyone like me because I'm just worthless basically.

I found another job and got a place of my own.
But within a month of working there I was fired because I could no longer make it to work.
I lost my place and got another ear full from my dad.

I used to weigh 140 pounds, at this time I was 107 pounds. Mind you I am 5'10" tall.

I had no idea what was wrong with me.
I thought it was normal to feel like I did.
I thought I was just weak and everyone feels like I do.

My mom said I could move in with her.
I moved 3 hours away and that week we started seeing doctors.
Nobody knew what to say.

The next few weeks we kept seeing more doctors and doing more tests.

By this time I was the worst I had ever been.
I stopped eating because when I did I screamed murder at the pain it caused.
I had her neighbors coming over asking if people were hurt.

I could not handle it.

I was put on a liquid diet of broth's and Ensure's.

I was finally sent to see a specialist in Seattle.

Her name is Dr. Boden, I still see her to this day.
She was nice, but after doing MRI's, Xrays and blood tests for weeks, she gave me the worst news of my life.
Just 3 months after turning 21, which I didnt celebrate because I felt so bad, I was diagnosed with Crohns.

I had surgery 3 weeks after.

Dr Chang, who works with Dr Boden at Virginia Mason in Seattle, did my surgery. My colon was so bad that laparoscopic was not an option.
I have a 7" scar on my belly from the incision that reminds me every day of my life how bad I used to feel.

I was in the hospital for 1 week and they had me walking the day after my surgery.

I healed fine and noticed how great I felt.
I have never known how good life could be without this disease.
The pain was gone and my back felt great and I could eat solid foods without any problems.

I felt normal and started gaining weight again.

--------------

I'm now healed and looking normal.
I'm 150 pounds and 5'11" tall.
I work for the state and have my own place again.

But I am not happy.
I seriously think I should have died 2 years ago.

Since I was in high school, I wanted to join the Air Force.
I cant with Crohns.
I cant join any branch.
They have all told me no more than once.

Dont tell me I have a good job either because I dont.
Thats no excuse for having a body that betrayed me and my life goals and wants.
I barely make enough to live off and pay my medical bills.
I feel like thats all I do.
Work, hospital, sleep, work, sleep, pay bills, work, cry, sleep, work, hospital...

I missed out on my childhood and I'm missing out on life right now as I type.
I have no money, no friends and no self confidence.

Thanks to this disease I have lost almost all my hair due to malnutrition and anemia which i just cant beat no matter what I do.

I'm depressed and I've even lost the girl who was there for me for years.

I don't know what to due anymore, but I'm sick of my life.
I cant look at myself in the mirror.
I look down when I walk.
I dont talk to anyone.

Why would any girl want to be with a guy like me?
Someone who looks horrible and barely makes enough to support himself.

I have failed at life and I am just wasting space and everyones time being here.

I have no idea what fun is.
I hate being here.

I've lost my faith in God.
I've come to the conclusion he is not real.

I prayed every day for strength and a purpose.

I'm done with life.
It wins.

I'll take the loss as usual and be miserable until my time comes for the 2nd time.



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I just had to write to get this off my chest.

Thanks to anyone who read this whole mess.
I tried to shorten it. I might write my story in more detail but I dont want to bore anyone.

 

[pink&green]

Hello Flux and :welcome: to the forum I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. Please don't let Crohn's tear you down you can still have an active life with this disease don't let it get the best of you. You definitely came to the right place there is lots of support and advice on here. Please check out the young adult sub forum on here I will keep you in prayer sending :ghug: your way.

 

[steph_irish]

Hi Flux
Sounds like you've had alot to battle and alot of things to come to terms with.
First things first congratulations on finding physical relief from your surgery.
Thats one battle, dealing with the disease psychologically, thats an entirely separate battle.

Don't listen to anything your dad ever throws at you, my mum was a tough cookie and gave me a very hard time growing up. Criticizing every little detail of my life, always pointing out the faults. I gave up on trying to please her quite some years ago and just concentrated on my own life. Sounds like you've got a supportive mum though, I only had my mum my dad was non existent.
It's hard when crohns steals your dreams, there are a few on this forum that have gone through the same as you. I've said on other posts It's a raw deal when young kids get this disease.
Have you ever thought of therapy? It worked wonders for me and is just a suggestion.
Sounds like you need to re-build your confidence and find your mojo in life.
Think about other careers you can work towards.
Sending you a huge hug and wish you every success :ghug:

 

[three crows]

Hi Flux, I'm glad you posted here. You've been through a hell of a lot for someone your age. But look at all you've accomplished! It's not easy to find a decent job and live on your own even when you're healthy. And yet, YOU did all of this WITH a serious illness. That takes a huge amount of persistence and determination! Give yourself credit for overcoming so many obstacles at your young age. And don't let others (Dad, etc) get into your head and feed the negative thoughts.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. So when that negative voice starts up, tell it to mind it's own business. YOU have great strength and power. I hope you continue to reach out to those that love you, and to the forums here. It sounds like your Mom is in your corner and you have many who care about you.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. Keep thinking positive. Watch funny movies, sleep and rest. It sounds like money is tight, but there may be a Crohn's support group nearby. Or other counseling available at low or no cost.

And absolutely talk to your doctor about your mental health. Many times depression, anxiety, etc, are side-kicks of IBD. So it's NOT your fault. And it may be a roller coaster ride, sometimes we've got to just ride it out till we get going back up.

Eat as well as you can. Sleep well. Try not to isolate yourself (I should talk. I know how easy that is to do!) I see you're in the Pacific Northwest. Pretty cloudy there isn't it? Here too! (NEOhio) Are you taking vitamin supplements? Often times Vit D and Vit B-12 can boost your energy and mood. Just some things to consider.

Hang in there and please post again. Wishing you the best.

 

[Trysha]

Hi Flux
You have done a wonderful job in keeping things together, don't give up on youself.
I am sorry it has been such a tough ride for you but it sounds as if things are getting better.
There are some good specialists to help you through your depression which is another symptom of crohn's.
It is fantastic that you are working---but sad that your pay is not good. But hey---a job is a job an will help your self image.
There are many people on this forum to help and support you.
It is good to let your hair down and nobody minds how lengthy the report is---your notes were very reflective and interesting.
You have a lot to offer, so please keep up the correspondence with us and let us know how things progress for you.
Who knows---one day you may be advising people on this forum for all those same things you mention.
God is always in the wings waiting to send His angels to help us.
Feel better soon
Hugs and best wishes
Trysha

 

[Saralr]

Flux, you are an amazing and strong person. You may not feel that way right now but I can see it just from the little you wrote about what you've been through. You suffered for so long but you didn't give up. You say you're just going to be miserable until your second time comes but you came here looking for help. That is so very hard to do when you feel so depressed and it takes a strong person, a person who isn't really ready to give up, to reach out like this.

I don't have a lot of knowledge about Crohn's but I've had more experience than I'd like to with depression. I have been fighting depression for years and one thing I do know is that it is worth fighting. It is hard but it is also worth it. I spent so much time lying in bed crying. It seemed my doctor was never going to find a way to help me, but when he did the happiness I felt was amazing. It was worth all the therapy and meds I had to go through to get there.

Flux, no one here is going to be bored by your story. People want to use their experience to help. So please share. It can really help your mood if you share what you're feeling.

Does your work have an EAP? That is where I started for my depression. It's a free service if your work place offers it. It can be a good place to start.

 

[lovintheemcee]

bro i cant feel ya exactly but i can kinda feel ya. i got crohn's as well and no guarantees as well. i'm sorry if this doesn't help much i am either not as strong as some of these people or something to that effect. i wish i could tell you everything is gonna be rainbows and butterflys but realistically i think we all know there are always set backs to life, always thorns with our roses. keep fighting the good fight of this confusing and challenging existence with the rest of us and may the work you do pay back 10 fold.

alright that is my best shot at encouragement. hang in there. i know this world can suck.

-jordan

 

[RosannaKate]

Hello Flux, i'm so sorry your struggling so badly. I know what its like to be young and have this jump on top of you. It's not easy. I'm glad your mum sounds supportive, i don't have any family support and that makes my depression worse. You can do it, don't let this horrible condition control you, you can learn to control it.
Losing someone who has been around for years to help you is difficult, my on and off boyfriend massively struggles to deal with my condition... he can't get his head around it. While they can't it doesn't mean noone can, there are plenty of people out there that are very understanding and will be able to understand you. Don't give up on love, because support from loved ones and having someone who makes you happy is amazing and really helps keep you upbeat.
Good luck with everything and if you ever just need to let off some steam or just have a chat feel free to private message me All the best, Rose

 

[carrollco]

Hi, Flux. Our guts are the seat of our emotions. It is where many vitamins that help us maintain a stable mood reside. I was malnourished, depressed, AND having panic attacks. The most wonderful thing about being diagnosed was discovering that I needed vitamins and about two weeks into vitamin therapy my mood improved. I am nit saying that is your entire problem, but it could be part of it. So, have a vitamin panel done and see what you need. In addition, Crohn's is not a walk in the park. Find a therapist you can talk to. (((Hugs))) Even us oldsters have a hard time coping.