Any Advice? Sorry it's long

[AndiGirl]

Scott who is the love of my life, has been extremely stressed out for the past month. I'm sure his mother's visit has a small part of it. He's always been very laid back and understanding. He's getting short tempered with me. We haven't been able to do anything fun, much less a date night with our schedules, lack of funds, and extra stressors. Here's the biggie. He was married before and has a son from his first marriage. The ex-wife has done her best to poison the son against Scott. Scott was very good about sending child support, but his son is acting like an in-grateful little punk. I know this is hurting Scott. His son is now 19 years-old (Scott was young when he married the first time), and is at the time in his life in which he can make his own choices, and form his own opinions. It hurts me to hear about how he is treating his father, who wants more than anything to be a part of his life.

Scott's situation is troubling to me in many ways, but especially with the rejection of his son. As many of you know from some of my other posts, my father and I have always had a difficult relationship. He was not and is not cruel or abusive, but he is macho, very private, and more on the cold side. I would have to say that he is also a control freak. We've been off again and on again since I left home years ago. When I was a child he was a terrific provider who worked hard for the family. He loved us, but he was never very affectionate with us. I'd have to say that he didn't have much patience either. He took parenting seriously in that he provided plenty in the way of material things; he made sure that we did good in school; grew up in a Christian home; and enabled us to have a normal, productive childhood. He was also very quick to scold and discipline us. He didn't abuse us, but I would have to say that there were many times in which I did live in fear of my father. My mother thought it was a good thing.

I've always been a sensitive, touchy-feely type, so growing up with my father definitely took some of the starch out of me. I've tried off and on for years to try to get close to him with minimal success. I just received the surprise of my decade. Back in October, my 1997 Ford Expedition finally bit the dust. It cost too much to repair it, so Scott sold it for parts. We were down to one vehicle. A couple of weeks ago, my father paid a visit and told me that he wanted to give me his 2006 Saturn Ion. He and my mother have several vehicles. I think the Ion was used to save on gas. I didn't know what to say. I even said, "We'll be okay. We don't need your car, daddy." He insisted, so I had to give in. I cried because it was such a great gift and so unexpected. It's in great shape considering its age, as my father takes excellent care of his vehicles. My father said probably the sweetest thing to me. He said, "Well, I can't have my girl and grandkids stranded, without transportation. What if you need to go the hospital?" I was also crying because Scott and I have had financial difficulties this past year. That gift was a true act of kindness. We spent Easter in Wasilla with my dad, mom, sisters, brother, and their children. My father was back to being his usual stern, aloof, stodgy self, but I think that I've made peace with him at last. I didn't share our financial difficulties with my parents, and we haven't asked for any help. Dad must have known a little of what we were up against, and he did reach out to us. I don't think he will ever be comfortable with feelings and emotions, but I feel that I can accept that now, and can stop beating my head against a brick wall.

After having a nice and somewhat relaxing Easter in Wasilla at my parent's home, I was hit with something else. Scott needed to borrow my father's Ford half ton to do some hauling. Rather than ride with her son, my mother-in-law chose to ride in the Saturn with the kids and me. I honestly don't know what brought on this conversation, but my MIL ended up saying, "I thought that Kim was such a lovely person. I knew that she would make a good mother." I was completely blown away because Kim is Scott's first wife. That comment really hit me in the gut and heart. Why would my MIL want to bring up Kim after all the trouble that she has caused. We were driving on the Parks highway out in the middle of nowhere. I was a captive in my own car. My first instinct was to think, "She thinks I'm not a sweet person or a good mother." That really hurt, as I always try my best to be a good person. I try my best to do things right by all my family, and my MIL is included. I felt like I was sucker punched! I cried for a while and told Scott about the comment. He was upset that his mother would say that. He had a talk with her, and since then she's been fairly nice to me. I can't imagine hurting anyone like that. I asked him, "Why does your mother hate me?" He said, "She doesn't hate you. She sees you as a spoiled, little rich girl." I had to remind Scott that my parents are well off, and that I've been on my own for many years. Even when I was a child living at home, my father made it clear that he would provide us with what we needed, along with some extras, but we had to earn our keep. Trust me, my father would never put up with spoiled brats. I know that Kim, Scott's first wife, didn't come from a family with money or status. According to Scott they were dysfunctional in many ways. I think my MIL is probably hurt and envious because she's been widowed for about 25 years. She doesn't want to remarry. She sees the life that my parents have together. She didn't have much growing up, and was jealous of the other girls who did have things. I don't know! I've decided to let it be. She really hurt my feelings, but I'm going to take the high road. I have enough stressors and tough situations to deal with.

Any ideas on how I can help or support Scott as his son continues to reject him? I know this is tearing him up. When Scott is hurting, I feel bad as well.

 

[margie]

Andi,
First of all what your MIL said was a cruel thing to say, and not in defense of her but maybe Kim is a good mother to her son, and that doesn't mean that you aren't. She should have thought about what she was saying before she opened her mouth and unfortunately a lot of us tend to run the mouth off without thinking of what we are saying first.

As far as Scott and his son, well it is horrible that Kim is turning their son against Scott. And you are right, his son is old enough to form his own opinions and take stand, however, most teenagers his age don't grow up very fast and some won't see what they need to see until they are almost in their 30's. Men tend to take a lot longer to grow up than woman do. All that I can say is that when I divorced my son turned from me and I know that he would never admit it but blames me for the divorce and break up of the family. I have just had to learn to live with it in hopes that eventually he will understand and show me that he loves me again. In the meantime though, he is treating me like a brat and he is 28, so as you can see he is taking a long time to grow up.

All that I can say in defense of Scott is to just be patient and be there for his son when he can, continue to love him, and he will see the light eventually. I am sure that Scott deserves better treatment from his son, but lets face it, doesn't matter how old they are sometimes they can always act like spoiled brats and treat us like crap. Mine thinks that I owe him the world and am suppose to just drop everything when he needs me to take him somewhere or do something for him or lend him money. Unfortunately, he put me in a financial mess because I bought a house for him on a land contract to me and he not only didn't pay for it, but let all utilities and taxes go to where I am in a financial mess because of it.

Sometimes, we do to much for our kids in my case, and now I am hurting because of it.

I can only hope that Kim stops turning her son against Scott and that Scott son grows up soon and sees what a loving father that he has just waiting to be a part of his life. I am sure that in time it will happen, but sounds like he has a lot more growing up to do.

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you, Margie. I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated that way by your son. I find it funny that only a year ago, when people asked Beverly, my mother-in-law, how many grandchildren she had; she would say, "I have three." Some people have asked her during this visit the same question and now her answer is, "I have two." She is now only claiming Alex and Beth, my kids. I truly do not understand that woman. I am being as nice to her as I can. I was raised to treat my elders with respect, and I don't want to have any regrets on my part. Also, I don't want my MIL to come back and haunt my home when she passes.

 

[xJillx]

I agree with Margie in that hopefully with time, Scott's son will mature and start to think for himself. In the meantime, continue to support Scott in his attempts to reach out towards his son. Though it may seem his efforts are done in vain now, perhaps in the future it will pay off. I hope they can have a relationship one day.

Also, I am so sorry your MIL hurt you so. My father's mother was very difficult on my mother, and it tore her up. However, like you, she always took the higher road. I am not sure that is always the right thing to do, but if this was one of the few hurtful things she has said to you, it may be best to let it go. If you are anything like me, argument & conflict would do me more harm with the stress it would cause. But I sure hope she doesn't say anything again that upsets you. It's obvious you are an excellent wife and mother, and she should sing your praises!

 

[ameslouise]

All that I can say in defense of Scott is to just be patient and be there for his son when he can, continue to love him, and he will see the light eventually. I am sure that Scott deserves better treatment from his son, but lets face it, doesn't matter how old they are sometimes they can always act like spoiled brats and treat us like crap....

....I can only hope that Kim stops turning her son against Scott and that Scott son grows up soon and sees what a loving father that he has just waiting to be a part of his life. I am sure that in time it will happen, but sounds like he has a lot more growing up to do.

You nailed it Margie. Couldn't have said it better myself.

As for your MIL..... you need to limit your exposure to that woman. And for god's sake, PLEASE do not allow her to come for one of her extended visits ever again. Next time, you and Scott need to stand up for yourselves and tell her than an extended visit is just not something you can do. 1 week max, and pile on the Xanax!!

And as for your Dad.... Wow. He is loving you the best way he knows how. A car is not a hug, but coming from your Dad, along with what he said, that was a truly huge act on his part. That's his way of hugging you and saying I love you. So glad you had this wonderful and very sweet exchange with him to balance out the bad shiz with the step-kid, Kim and your MIL.

Hang in there, Andi. You have more of your fair share of crap to deal with it, and you always manage such a grace and humility. What goes around comes around, and eventually, your kindness will come back to you tenfold.

xo - Ames

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you Jill and Amy.

Amy- I love your picture. You look so happy and radiant! I am going to insist that the visit be much shorter in the future. I am hanging in by a thread.

Jill- I can relate to your mother, and so can my mother. My father's mother was definitely not nice to my mom. I don't think she was nice to any of her ten daughter-in-laws. I can think of many bad comments that my mother-in-law has said to me in the past, but I try to be positive and stick to the high road. I believe that in the end, I will be judged on my actions and words, and so will she, and everybody else for that matter. It isn't easy!

The car was definitely an unexpected surprise. I actually think my father may be succumbing to CD. He has recovered from the abscess near his naval, and his having some other symptoms. He's a tough guy, but I think it really affected him when he was young watching his father suffer with that horrible disease. I'm worried that my dad may be in denial. Why must CD run so heavily in my family?

 

[ameslouise]

Andi - I had forgotten that your Dad has CD. Maybe his worsening disease made him realize he doesn't want to see you go thru it too, and him giving you a car was his way of making sure you can take care of yourself. I think it was such a sweet gesture. You can think of him everytime you drive it and how it's his way of saying I care about you.

-Ames

 

[AndiGirl]

Thanks again, Amy. My father hasn't been diagnosed with CD yet, but many of his symptoms sound eerily familiar to Randy and me. Dad was hospitalized years ago with a huge perianal abscess. He had some troubles with fruit. Some of the bathroom urgency has plagued him off and on for years. He recently had the abscess near his naval. He may need this forum yet.

 

[tiloah]

Since you posted this thread I have been opening it, and writing something, and then deleting it. I just don't know what to say! Some people are totally insensitive, even if they don't mean to be (but maybe she did). I wish I could say something that would make it less hurtful or give some good advice, but I just don't know. There's no excuse for being cruel and I think that's why it hurts so much.

You really have quite a lot going on. I hope you can find some calm and balance in your life. Remember not to take it all on your plate. What's going on between your husband and his son doesn't have to weigh on you. Don't take it on yourself if you don't have to. I know you want to see it resolve well and be a good situation, but you gotta take care of your own heart!

Hope your dad starts feeling better. It sounds like Crohn's, is he just refusing to do anything diagnostically?

 

[tiloah]

See, again I'm speechless. I can't believe the nerve of that lady! If I were there I would give her a piece of my mind you can be sure!

 

[AndiGirl]

I couldn't have said it better. Joan, you didn't offend me at all. I agreed with what you said. I don't need the added stress, and my CD is acting up. Big surprise there! I will definitely push for shorter visits. Hugs to all my supportive friends in this time of need.

 

[ameslouise]

As usual, I agree with everything Joan says! Even if I can't understand half of it!

J/k - you know I luv ya Joanie!!

Good luck Andi - keep us posted....

 

[AndiGirl]

We went out for supper on Saturday. It was a big ordeal. My parents, siblings, and their children, Scott, our children, and Scott's brother, and of course the MIL. She acted practically human, so I thought the meal was a success.

Here's the bummer parts: I found out that my father abscess near his naval healed up, and about a week later, he developed two more close by. OUCH! I am crying as I type over the next one. I think I must have had the worst Mother's Day. I slept in late, so the kids and I didn't go to church. I have nine more days of school and tons to do. Our regular sitter found another job and didn't give Scott and I much notice. It's a good thing that his mother is here. She is good with Alex, but truthfully, I don't think Elizabeth likes her too much. I know my MIL is going to feel put out, but we can't come up with a sitter on such short notice. We are going to have to go through the whole interview, background check thing again. Beverly, that's my MIL, has agreed to watch the kids, but I'm just waiting for her digs to start especially after a long day with two babies. Knowing the situation, I decided to try to make things easier on her. I started grading papers because she and Scott were both with the kids. I was doing this so that I could come home earlier and relieve Beverly. Beverly got in my face and said, "How long do you think you'll be doing that?" I said at least a couple of hours. It's the ending of the year and I really have my work cut out for me. She started saying, "Well I know where your priorities are. I would think that since it's Mother's Day, you would want to spend it with your children. That the day would be so special." I agreed that Mother's Day is very special. We were together as a family yesterday. Scott and I work opposite shifts, so the child care isn't evenly distributed when one is working. I got behind when I had to stay home because of a CD flare-up, and like most other people, I get tired." I can't remember everything else that she said because it really cut me to the quick. I took Joan's advice and demanded that Scott talk to his mother. I even told him what to say. This is what I said, "As much as I would like, I cannot stay home with my children. Beverly indicated in the past that she wouldn't want me to either, as she thinks it's unfair to place the financial burden on one person. I am a teacher, so I will have papers to grade and other things that will keep me busy after the school day. I have two chronic illnesses (CD and asthma) so there are times when I do fall behind. I dislike being unable to play with my children even more than she does. I love those two babies, but the fact is, I'm a working mom with a demanding job. It won't be like this every year. I wish she would try to have a little empathy towards me, and stop judging me so harshly." Scott took my advice and I heard him telling his mom off.

Beverly must have felt weird because she called Terry, her other son. Terry came over with his girlfriends and they took Beverly around the city. While she was out I: made lunch for the kids, graded some papers, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the floors, did some laundry, and gave the kids some attention. Scott has to work so he was asleep. When she came home, she hid away in her bedroom and played with Alex for a few minutes. In the meantime, I cooked supper, did more laundry, and tried to keep the babies entertained. I put on Sesame Street. Beverly did not once offer to help in any way. I felt so angry and hurt. I felt like confronting her and saying, "I guess bringing home a paycheck, cleaning my home (nobody else will), cooking, and providing clean clothes for my children isn't love. Give me ten more hours in the day and I can do it all." I didn't say anything, as it's not in my nature to treat others ugly.

I knew I wouldn't be able to go out to Wasilla to spend it with my mom, so we decided to celebrate on Saturday. I called my mom to wish her a, "Happy Mother's Day," even though I've already given her a gift, card, etc. She asked who was cooking, and I said it was me. My mom was very upset over that. I told her that it was no big deal. It really wasn't. I was more hurt over Beverly's thoughtless comments. I made comfort food, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Beverly eats like a bird and she thinks that Alex and I are a bunch of pigs. When I feel good, I eat. There will be times when I won't eat much of anything, and she knows that. Alex is big for his age, and according to his doctor, he is not overweight. He's healthy looking. Beverly has been limiting Alex's food portions. It has helped some with his chronic loose stool. We are still waiting for an answer to that. Alex frequently asks for more and will look around. As a mother, I can't watch children go hungry. I know Alex is not starving, but I spoke up and said, "I'm going to let Alex eat some more. He seems pretty hungry." Beverly got very defensive and even said, "Remember what your dad said." My dad was worried that Scott and I were over-feeding Alex because of his bloated belly and the diarrhea. Even after talking with the doctor and finding out that his weight is okay, and that we are still in limbo over the loose stools. I got angry and told Beverly, "Well, my dad grew up in a very big family. I know he couldn't eat as much as he wanted. He was very skinny when he married my mom. He should remember how it feels not to have any extras. We are not poor, nor do we have any weird issues with food. I don't want my son to develop any strange eating habits or attitudes. My mom also agrees that we needn't be so restrictive with Alex. Here's where it really hurts. She looked at me with her cold, brown eyes and said, "Well, you are your mother's girl. What do you expect?" I couldn't handle her nastiness any longer. I woke up Scott and said that he could bath the babies and put them to bed. I was through dealing with his mother and her evil comments. Scott got upset with me and thought it was ridiculous that he should have to referee. I told him that I was through dealing with her. She has such a strong dislike for me, and it shows. She acts all buddy, buddy with my mother, but yet she's making comments about her too. My mother has faults like anyone, but she is kind to her children and grandchildren. She never makes Scott feel bad, and is very nice to him. What a Mother's Day!

 

[AndiGirl]

Believe me Joan, Scott got an earful from me. I will NOT have her stay as long the next visit. I called my mother during my lunch break today. I told her about my Mother's Day, and she was utterly shocked. She sounded shocked when I mentioned the comment about being, "Your mother's daughter." She said, "I didn't think that I did anything to offend her. I think she's jealous that Elizabeth likes me more than her." That is so true. If my mother is around, and Beverly tries to hold her, Beth will cry and put up a fuss. She wants to be with Grandma Jane. My mom suggested much of the same. She mentioned that her visits should be shorter, or that she should stay with Scott's older brother for part of the visit. She told me to kill her with kindness. She is old and obviously a miserable person. My mom said that when she passes on, I'll have no regrets, and neither with Scott. If she is nasty to me, Scott with see that, and I can continue to inform him. I do like the idea of shorter visits, or begging Terry to put up with mom for half of the visit. I am also putting the responsibility on Scott. When his mom is nasty, I'm letting him deal with her.

For those of you who are keeping up with this thread, here is the latest: Beverly was pleasant enough today. She of course didn't have supper ready, so I can home and started cooking. After our dinner, Alex put his fingers in the leftovers trying to sneak some more. I thought it was funny because Beverly is so anal about food and eating. She grabbed the little handful and threw it in the sink. She wouldn't even let him eat it because he had been sneaky about it. I was rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. Beverly rinsed off her hands and flicked the water right in my face. UNBELIEVABLE!! It didn't even upset me, because it was so childish. Wow! LOL!

 

[tiloah]

I just wanna whisk you away from there!

I think when someone does something hurtful it is so much worse when you know they are doing it intentionally - and she really seems to be trying to be hurtful. I think it is really admirable that you want to keep the peace for your husband and also for your own peace of mind when she is gone... but you do need to protect yourself. You can forgive people and still be kind to them without letting them push you around.

Also don't let her give your children a complex! If your kid is a "healthy" weight that's all that matters, don't let him get any warped social attitude towards food (this happens easily enough without an instigator). Augh!

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this lady! She sounds so mean and cruel. I am sure you are right about her being miserable. She's lucky you are so kind.

 

[bruscar]

Hi Andi,

I will give you my spin on this, and ou can take it or leave it.it probably wont help, but here goes . . . . .

As a father and obviously not a mother i feel just like your dad, but for getting this devil of a disease,i think i may still be the same towards the children.firm and strict etc etc (i have three, by the way) so please don't ever doubt the love that i am sure your father has (deep down as far as it may be) for you.


I think you have gotta rise above the actions of the son and in particular the mil, cos she has an issue that she needs to let loose somewhere else.the son is a young guy that is indestructable, just like i was !

I did read all of your story but no other comments, as i feel that can sometimes change my opinion if i haven't at that time formed one.

Good on ya for getting it all out in the open

Regards

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you, Diesanduhr! I am definitely learning to be more assertive. I am careful in my actions and wording, but I'm not letting Beverly push me around. I let Alex eat the amount that he wanted yesterday, and it wasn't excessive. I think it bothered Beverly and thus, she decided to flick water in my face. If she decides to do it again, I plan on calmly and jokingly saying, "Stop it Randy!" She'll look at me like I'm weird, but I'll say, "It takes me back to my younger years when Randy would tease me. He's the only one in my family who would do something so immature and dumb. Oh, and he used to flick me with the towel." I'll act like it's funny, and that should bother her plenty.

Thank you, Bruscar for your thoughtful comments and insight. It's nice to hear the masculine point of view. Being a mother, there is no way that I could totally understand the thoughts and feelings of a father. I am definitely learning to understand and appreciate my father. I grew up with a very coddling and cuddly mother. I was puzzled by my father, but I can see just what a big influence he really had on my life. He taught me how to work hard and to take pride in what I do. I definitely learned integrity from him.

I am hoping that Shane comes to his senses and realizes that he may want to cultivate a relationship with his father before it is too late. Scott is a wonderful man. I told Scott to be patient and available. Shane may just need to mature a bit.

 

[tiloah]

I reread my post and I hope it didn't seem like I was criticizing you for letting her be weird about the food. That was not my intention! I just meant as long as he's a healthy weight she can just eff right off 'cause you're doing a good job.

I think maybe taking the passive aggressive route wouldn't be the best choice (saying "Stop it Randy.") If she flicks water in your face again, I would just say to her directly, "Please don't do that." If she tries to deny what she did/say it wasn't intentional then I would ask her to be more careful about it in the future.

I know you said you had Scott talk to her, but have you ever talked to her directly yourself about how her actions make you feel?

 

[bruscar]

more than welcome andi !

I agree completely with what you are saying and integrity will stand to you forever and a day . . . .

For a prime example, this very thread, you are being assertive also and reasoning instead of just letting others around you (husbands son!) destroy a lifelong relationship that they dont realise is there to grow and prosper.

i think that you can hold your head high, you are doing a great job. good for you.

Your family are lucky to have you !

Big hug from me anyway

 

[AndiGirl]

Diesandhur, please don't think that I was taking offense. I didn't think that way at all, or get any such feelings from you. It's one of my older sisters that thinks that I'm a push-over. I calmly explained to her that she has no way of understanding or relating. I've met her mother-in-law, and she is a really nice woman. I also remember what my sister had told me. She said that her mother-in-law, always sides with the daughters-in-law, because she knows how hard women work. She isn't against her sons, but she remembers what it was like to raise kids and have a lot of the burden on her shoulders. My other sister has a mother-in-law who has MS, and isn't really in the picture. When she is, she is nice to my sister. When Randy was married, his mother-in-law really liked him, and they got along fine. The only one that can relate to me is my mom, and she told me to keep the peace and I wouldn't have any regrets.

The reason why I thought of joking around with Beverly, is she does tend to take offense when I calmly try to explain things to her, or even talk about my point of view. She has to be right, and if I say that something hurt my feelings, she gets all huffy, and tries to turn the tables on me. Randy and I are close, so he knows about the situation, and laughed at it. He said, "Only a pre-adolescent boy would do something that dumb. Maybe if you joke around with her, she'll realize that she is acting like a middle school boy." She is from the south and likes to think of herself as a sophisticated southern belle. I'm just a hick from Alaska. LOL!

Thanks again, Bruscar!

* Here's the latest! Randy's birthday is on Friday. Yes, Friday the 13th! We are planning a family get together again to help him celebrate. He'll have his kids then, too. When I mentioned this to Beverly she immediately told Alex and Beth, "You are going to see Grandpa Gary on Friday." She must have mentioned Grandpa Gary several times. She didn't once mention Randy, or Grandma Jane. I wanted to laugh out loud, but I chuckled to myself. I guess Grandpa Gary is the only one worth visiting on my side of the family. I guess she just can't stand it that all the grandkids gravitate towards Grandma Jane. LOL!