I’m very up and down with work, there have been times when I honestly thought I would collapse with the exhaustion and malnutrition and other times I cope relatively well. I tend to have a few months of each, but when I’m stressed at work and we’re short staffed and struggling to get everything done it runs me ragged very quickly.
I have to be quite strict in how I manage myself outside work to make sure I don’t overdo it, which is very annoying. Sometimes I’m napping as soon as I get home (and often accidentally sleep through the night fully clothed lol), but when I’m well I can do things in the week after work. I recently drove 2 hours there and back to visit my friend at university and see a show on a Wednesday night which was lovely, but it would be impossible in a million years when I’m not well. It’s hard to commit to plans in advance but if I’m honestly not well enough I’m just honest and my true friends understand.
I used to prioritise work over everything to be honest, I’ve gone in many times when I’m vomiting after just sipping at water and completely dehydrated when in hindsight I should have been in A&E getting fluids. That was before I was diagnosed though so now I know better not to push myself and it’s better to take time off than push through and end up off for weeks. It’s a real balancing act but with some trial and error you should be able to make it work. It helps to have an understanding manager who is aware of your situation and supports you.
It isn’t easy and doctors have told me ‘listen to your body’ but that’s easier said than done when you don’t want to let your team down. It’s the guilt that gets me, but there have been times when due to poor management in the past I’ve been forced into situations where I’ve been completely taken advantage of and end up really ill. My advice would be don’t ever stand for that, as you won’t get any thanks for it and it’s very likely your colleagues and managers won’t have a clue how much more it takes out of you than it does a healthy person. In those circumstances I didn’t find it difficult to be off sick because I know I did my best and any more pushing would tip me over the edge. It might be leaving my teammates in the lurch, but it would be if I carried on and ended up hospitalised too. I still have to justify it to myself which is something I need to work on, as I know deep down I’m doing the right thing and it isn’t my fault or a personal or character failing. I still worry that I’m seen that way but there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it if that’s the case.
My 21 year old self would be embarrassed but what does she know! Some days are harder than I could have ever imagined, but other days it’s great to have a purpose and be part of a team. The balance has shifted significantly both ways for months at a time but overall it’s worth it at the moment. I would love to drop down to part time in a few years when I’m hopefully earning a better wage, or ideally work from home full time. That would be amazing and it’s my aim for the hopefully near future. Anything to make daily life a bit less taxing [emoji6]
