Coming Out

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RFarmer

Joined
Apr 4, 2011
Messages
663
Hey guys.

I'm not sure how to write this, so it will all make sense, but I'll try. Also, sorry for it being long.

I come from a relatively conservative-christian family. I've got a brother who has gone rogue, and so all the familial expectations have been left to me. I am also a homosexual. I struggle with the idea, because I share many of the beliefs of my family, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with it. I always had the idea of rotting in hell burned into my mind, and was it was always practiced in my church that homosexuality was a choice. I know perfectly well it is NOT a choice. I also don't firmly believe that we can take an old book for truth, because it was written by men. I lastly don't believe that anyone can judge someone for sexuality, when it really is a trivial issue, and there isn't anything morally wrong with it. (Other than "unnatural". But I've got an ass piercing, so why would I care?)


ANYWAYS, I've been away with my family for a week now. The intense bonding, and lack of sleep, and prednisone, and cacophony of attractive men gave me a desire to come out to my parents. I wanted to wait until I got back, so I could figure out how to do it. But now that I'm back, I'm well rested, and life has returned to normal, and I don't really feel the courage to do it anymore. But, I want to, because I know it would quell a great amount of emotional unrest I feel. I'm just not motivated anymore.

I have to deal with this. It's been a major source of depression for me for years. I start uni on tuesday, and don't want to miss the opportunity to meet someone because I was afraid the world would find out.

Advice? :heart:
 
Hey Ben, that is great! I know so many and you are right it is NOT a choice, but people who don't understand will choose to be against it, and that is their perogative. I know so many (like over 30 years ago) alot has committed suicide and never left a note because even in death they didnt want their parents to know.

That is old school now, I think more people are aware of it today. As for your parents they should love you unconditionally. Because it is not a phyical disability where it is self explanatory, people are more afraid of what others might think.

YOU are a human being and they should treat you as such. Being in a religious family , that is a double whammy. I would tell your parents, either way you are going to suffer emotionally and never have a happy life. You have to do what is right for you, so you can enjoy the life you deserve, some day your prince will come. Hang in there ok? Let us know what you decide...hugs.
 
Ben, wow you've been through a lot! How supportive do you think your family will be? I can't really talk from experience other than stories I've heard of when my aunt came out. I think it traumatised her more than anyone else. She had problems coming to terms with things but my dad said he just thought of her exactly the same as he did before and it didn't bother him in the slightest.

Also, I know a lesbian girl who won't come out to her family because they are VERY conservative and she knows they'll cut her off when they find out so she wants to be financially stable if/when it happens. I feel so bad for her. Hopefully it won't be that bad.

I think maybe it's one of things you have to bite the bullet and just do. I really hope your family are supportive about it. Hopefully it'll feel like a massive weight has been lifted off your shoulders afterwards.

Plus this burning in hell business for something you have no control over? I don't believe it. God is love, no? Being gay does NOT make you a bad person and certainly not hell worthy.

Good luck. I hope you have an AMAZING time at uni. Let us know how it goes :)
 
Hmm difficult question that one. What is the worst your parents could do if they knew? If its chucking you out of the home then where would you stay? If its disowning you then you could say that its there problem and you would be better off without them, but could you cope with that?

On the other hand its really eating you up and that will have a big impact on your crohns, and I think you will feel much better in yourself if you did (both physically and mentally).

Or if you are moving away to go to uni, just date loads of hot guys and im sure you will drunken txt your parents soon enough about how good it is :p
 
Thanks for the replies guys :)

I doubt they'd disown me. I've been trying to convince them to disown my brother for a while, and they go with the "we'll love him no matter what" kinda stuff. I just don't really know how to deal with the emotional fallout. I try to avoid conflict, yet this would definitely bring about a lot of it. I mean, I've considered the idea that they'd stop buying my medication and paying for uni, but that's bulllshit. I don't think they'd ever do that.

I just don't know how to approach the subject. I want as few casualties as possible :p

It is really eating me up. Especially because I don't fully know how I feel about it. Not moving away sadly D: Doesn't matter though: I don't really like gay guys (lol, how fortunate, right?), and I'm pretty Muslim when it comes to alcohol.
 
Hello Ben :) Well done on coming out to us. Maybe you could consider it a practice run for telling the folks? There's going to be pain either way, love: which one ( telling or not telling ) is going to cause the least? Particularly to you as it's bound to affect your health.
Do you think they have any idea? It maybe that they'll be glad that you're being honest with them. ( I almost said straight!! Lol. Big, big hugs xxx
 
lulz @ Helen. I'm not sure. I try to not be totally flamboyant: I find that annoying and totally unattractive. But, I am more feminine than most. HOWEVER, they make jokes all the time about which girl I'm going to marry, who I should be dating, etc. Either they're really oblivious, they really are trying to reject the idea, or they're just trying to bug me.
 
Sometimes you can get yourself worked into such a state over what ifs etc but in reality it might not be as bad. One way or other you do not want to live the rest of your life without them knowing, they will know at some stage so better to get it out of the way sooner rather than later.

As a parent myself the one thing of utmost importance is your child's health and everything after that is just not important. Hey sure we all make decisions our parents don't like but it's your life and you have to live it the way you want. They will get used to the idea eventually and you will be able to breath a sigh of relief.

Just try and work out how, where and when to tell them. From what you say they sound like decent people and if they are as christian as you say they will love you regardless. Good luck and I hope you tell them very soon.
 
As a fellow queer, just a couple of points:

1. Jesus never said anything against homosexuality. Never ever. Leviticus did, but Leviticus said a lot of things. And probably wasn't a very nice guy.
2. You don't have to tell your parents. Not unless you want to, and not until you want to.
3. If you do come out and it doesn't go well, PFLAG offers resources and counselling for parents who don't know how to react. Maybe go to family things armed with a PFLAG pamphlet in case you come out (sometimes it happens during an argument or slips out unexpectedly).

That said, how do your parents react to gay people when they meet them, or when the subject is raised? Not all conservative christians hate gays, even if their pastor says they should. Maybe take them to a quiet gay-owned cafe or bring a lesbian friend over for tea (get the friend's permission to be a test subject first).

Good luck, whether you do or don't.
--
Colleeny
 
Hiya Ben

As a Mum I love my son unconditionally. If I thought he was unhappy, sad, depressed about something or struggling with college, etc I'd be so relieved if it was cos he was gay! Being gay won't change the way I feel about him.
And can I just say, I bet you a pound to a penny of shit that they already know!
Mums know their sons like the back of their hand!
I wish you good luck Ben and remember we love you just the way you are!
xxx
 
There's nothing wrong with being gay at all! Some of my closest friends are gay. It doesn't change anything, we each have our own interests, and we also share insterests. Its YOUR life, why let anyone else change it?
 
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this turmoil with your family Ben...:hug:

If you know that they won't disown you or cut you off financially then perhaps the day before you leave for college is the time? I don't know.

Do you think there is even an inkling that may suspect something? I know you spoke of their talking of girls you should marry etc but perhaps that is just their way of keeping things normal, IYKWIM, or waiting for you to say it's never going to happen.

Do other people sense that you are gay? If so then maybe deep down they do too.

My daughter has two gay friends that she went through school with. We live is a small rural town so not exactly the most tolerate type of community when it comes to homosexuality. That said the guy comes from a very narrow minded family that has very definite ideas about what a bloke is and how they should behave, they are not religious though. I always thought it was such a shame that he had to have the parents he did as I did not think they would be accepting in any way, shape or form. I was wrong, thank goodness, and nothing has changed since he told them he was gay.

The other friend is female and comes from a very conservative and religious family. She faced a double dilemma when she turned 18. At that milestone they are expected to vow their commitment to the religion and failure to do so results in being cast out by your family and the religious community. As it was she left school early and started working, in hindsight I see this was to have financial independence before turning 18. The night before her 18th birthday she left without saying a word about her religion or her sexuality. Her parents would have known the following day about her religious choice but it was a couple of months later that she contacted them and told them about her sexuality. They have made amends and her parents have accepted both her religious choices and the fact she is gay.

I know this is hard for you Ben, is there ever a right time to tell them? I guess not but maybe some times are more right than others. I hope you can find that time soon Ben for the sake of your health and happiness.

As others have said, use us as a sounding board if it helps. We will be here for you hun.

Good luck! Thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

Dusty. xxx
 
Wow guys! Thanks for all the replies XOXO

Pertaining to the religious stuff: I kinda have the same idea as Colleeny and Entchen. I took a course on world religions, and it taught me a lot of things that most Christians don't even know about their own religion. To me, the Bible is not some divine work. It's got some wisdom, but so does every other religious text. I'm not going to be fool hardy and assume that I know how G-d feels about homosexuality. BUT, people are starving in Africa, while people who claim to follow Jesus sit around on piles of money. I read somewhere that 1% of the combined wealth of american church goers would lift the one billion most poor people in the world out of poverty. I think G-d has more issue with this, than with the fact that I'm Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve.?

I think I'm going to do it. I just don't know how.... I have a couple options:


1) Write a letter, leave the house. Saves me the chance of getting emotional and screwing up what I want to say. Can write in exactly how I feel, and manipulate my parent's somewhat. Explain that my secret is killing me, emotionally.

2) Sit down and talk. More personable. TERRIFYING. Chance of screwing up, or getting into a fight. But, parents might resent me if I write it in a letter. Also, gets the awkwardness over with immediately.

3) Let myself become horrendously emotional over the next week, until I break down and cry in front of them. Wastes time, would be difficult, and not so fun. BUT, I can manipulate them a little better.


Any other suggestions?
 
Do all 3 have the letter written cos writing it down will let you explain it to a t, then just use it as a back up plan if speaking to them face to face becomes tricky. You know your parents best so I suppose you have to respect them. How would you like to be told about something important should reflect on how you choose to tell them. I really do wish you all the best you will be fine, they too will be fine :)
 
Archie: I thought about that too. But, I don't think I'd be able to read it right in front of them. ahhhhh. Someone do it for me! lolol...

Colleeny: I forgot to answer your question. My parents don't necessarily hate gays. My mom thinks they're weird. My dad doesn't talk about them. They don't avoid them per se, but homosexuals do not cross their paths. I think it would be worst on my dad. He's got so much hope riding on me.
 
If you find yourself too embarrassed or scared to have the talk in person, you could have a note sealed in an envelope and give it to your parents and just say, "I want to talk to you about something, but I'm nervous, so please read this and then we can talk when I get back." Then go out for a walk or have a friend take you for coffee and give them half an hour with it.
 
Colleeny: That is probably what I'll do. Thanks for the advice :) I'll give an update once I get the balls to do it, and then once it's over.
 
Hey Ben:

Every parent is meant to be as kind and loving as Pen, Joan, Archie and Dusty. And some parents, unfortunately, are not. Or, they may be kind and loving, but still have a tough time coming to terms with their son being gay.

You said that your dad might have a harder time with your being gay. Is it possible to talk to your mom first, and then your dad later? Is there anyone in your immediate or extended family that you could strategize with in terms of how best to approach/talk to your parents?

Just a couple of things I'll add to what everyone else has said: first, make sure you tell them at a time where there are very few distractions (no TV, nobody expected to come over immediately after you tell them, etc.). Also try to do something that will help YOU calm down before you tell them. Obviously, they're going to have a reaction---the better head/heart space you're in, the easier it might feel/be for you. And be ready and okay for them to have a reaction. You've known you're gay for a while---your parents might have had an inkling, or this might be Day One for them and they're going to have some emotions around it. If the emotions are toxic, hostile, or in any way abusive, be prepared to leave and get some distance. So have access to transportation and potentially a place to sleep overnight. Time and distance can be helpful.

Anyways, that's my two cents. One last thing: there's free counselling available on Canadian campuses. You might want to check them out when you get to school and hook up with a counsellor.

Good luck and keep (emotionally) safe.

Kismet
 
Go for it, Ben. I think you are going to feel such massive relief when you have told them, that it will equip you well to deal with the emotional consequences.
We're with you all the way, my little gay pirate :wink::heart::heart::heart:
 
Hey glum. I've considered getting the aid of a relative, but I don't really have any relatives that would work. My grandparents are more conservative than my parents. Any aunts or uncles are crazy. The operation is on hold anyways: a gay friend of mine wants to "talk" before I come out :S

Aww Helen. I love you :) I wonder if D would get mad if I changed my user title to "Gay Pirate Monitor" XD
 
Well my lovely! You took the 1st step by posting it to all your Crohnie's on here! Big pat on the back for that show of bravery young man.

I have a somewhat biased few of gays because most of my friends are gay and the majority have been through what you're going through right now. Most come from strict religious backgrounds and keeping the secret for so long messed a few up.

If you can be honest with yourself about who you are, you can be brave enough to talk to your folks. They will take time to digest it and will need help to talk about their feelings too. Maybe checking out support groups for parents and getting a few numbers for them would let them see how concerned you are about how they will deal with the news as well as finding support for yourself.

Its not going to be easy but it may just be easier than your imagination is allowing you to see.

My friend who is in his forties wouldn't tell his parents because they are at an age he thought the news would kill them (literally). He finally built up the courage after a few whiskies and blurted it out. His mum said, do you think I'm daft, i've known since you were in nursery school and his dad did exactly what he normally does and said nothing. His relationship with both parents have improved and he feels at peace that he has told them who he truly is and he now takes his boyfriend round for a sunday roast every week.

Be brave, be honest and be you..........we all love you for you, not what you do in the bedroom darling! lol
 
What they all said! If your folks can't accept you for who you are, they really don't deserve you.

It's not easy telling parents about these sorts of things, and finding the right time... well don't worry, jump in and blurt it out if needs be. You'll be a lot happier and can concentrate on the rest of your Life.
I feel sorry for people who go through life never thinking about who they are, how they live their Life, what it means, etc. They never really Live, I feel.

Good luck!
 
beth said:
I feel sorry for people who go through life never thinking about who they are, how they live their Life, what it means, etc. They never really Live, I feel./QUOTE]

Such people tend to be the ones that spend all their time judging other people on who they are and how they live!

Ditto with everyone else though. It sounds like your parents will love you no matter what so go for it!
Click to expand...
 
I told both my kids when they got to puberty about the birds and the bees and that sometimes people are attracted to the same sex not the opposite sex. People are born who they are and that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual.

I would hope that they felt secure enough in my love for them to tell me if they were gay.
 
Ben, you're an awesome guy. This sucks!

I had a friend in college that was a lesbian. She was going through the same thing that you are. Well, I'm sure not exactly the same. But she came from a religious family that she was close with. And wanted to tell them, but was really affraid of the backlash. She went to church and youth group, and still worried that it wasn't enough.

I know she told her brother first. She needed just one person to know up front. That way she could at least have someone in her corner before telling the parents. She wanted the support with her when she needed him, physically. Not just the support of her friends. I think he also kinda knew but never said anything. Do you have someone like this? Maybe a close family member that youre parents respect their opinion? This might help courage or something.

In the end, she told everyone. They all got upset at first, but I think it was because she held it from them for so long. Hurt about not being able to trust them or whatnot. She was able to get back to a somewhat normal life with them last I heard. I know she was still making long trips to visit them when she could (they lived in a different state than her for her collage). I lost track of her through the programs, but I know she's still living happy (thank you, fb).

I'm bisexual, but I don't need to tell my family right now. My sister knows, but that's it I think. I have a boyfriend.

I really wish you the best with this. Please keep us updated. :heart:
 
Hi Ben. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. However, remember that if you come out to your parents, their first reaction might not be the view they hold over the long term. I remember Cher had a hard time accepting Chastiy (now Chaz) at first, but now she supports him unconditionally.

I know it might be hard for me at first if my son ever came out to me, because it would mean some of the dreams that I've had for him over the years will be different. It doesn't mean I won't still love him, though.

I hope whatever you decide, it works out well for you and your family.
 
Hi Ben, I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier - haven't been feeling well so I'm not paying much attention to the forum.

It's important to have a plan in place for when you tell your parents.
Know what you want to tell them and how you want to go about it.
Have local support (if possible) or any support network at all that knows you're about to do it so that they can be there for you afterwards.
Be prepared that they may ask you questions like how you know, how this happened (some people still think it's learned or contagious I guess). They might get upset and say stupid things. Your mom may get sad about the potential lack of grandchildren, especially if you're an only child.
Try not to be too nervous (I know... easier said than done). Plan to tell them you love them. Try not to let anything said or done anger you. Keep a firm grasp on where your line is, and if things are going badly and the line gets crossed, you need to go and revisit the discussion at a later time.
It sounds like you have this covered, but it's not a terrible idea to be ready to spend the night somewhere else if someone is taking it badly and needs space.

I didn't live with my parents when I came out. Dad was sad and felt it was a cultivated lifestyle (not sure if he's still on that track or is willing to believe it's how you're born - he doesn't bring it up anymore.) My mother told me it was obnoxious and disgusting and she didn't want to hear any more. Soo.... she didn't hear any more until I met my Kelly, but that's a different story.

They both still love me. I still love them. I've discovered boundaries of communication that make life easier (not just about this, but about health and many other things). My mother can display an inappropriate level of emotion and stops talking to me briefly when I do things to upset her (like coming out), then she comes back like nothing ever happened :p

so you never know what'll happen, but its best to be prepared. and good luck :)
 
colleeny beany said:
If you find yourself too embarrassed or scared to have the talk in person, you could have a note sealed in an envelope and give it to your parents and just say, "I want to talk to you about something, but I'm nervous, so please read this and then we can talk when I get back." Then go out for a walk or have a friend take you for coffee and give them half an hour with it.
Click to expand...

I live near the airport so I stuck my letter in my mom's bag before she left. She called me right after she read it but I didn't answer!
 
DustyKat said:
Do you think there is even an inkling that may suspect something? I know you spoke of their talking of girls you should marry etc but perhaps that is just their way of keeping things normal, IYKWIM, or waiting for you to say it's never going to happen.
Click to expand...


I think Dusty hit the nail on the head here. To be honest, Ben, I bet your family has an idea, and they are waiting for your move.

A very close friend of mine came out to me and our mutual friends about 3 years ago. We all responded, "It's about time." By no means was he flamboyantly gay; we just knew. It took him longer to tell his parents, because he feared their reaction. He, too, comes from a conservative, Catholic family (his father is actually a Deacon). But guess what? Their reaction was the same as ours. My friend was very happy to have that weight off of his shoulders. And we are happy that our friend can finally be himself!

Try not to fret so much, Ben. Your friends and family love you for you. Good luck!
 
Thanks for all the support guys! I've still not had contact from the friend who wanted to talk to me before I came out, and he refuses to answer my texts. So, I'll likely just ignore him, and come out anyways..

I came out to a friend from school (the only person from school), and we've spent the last two days at university together, oogling guys... haha... Money well spent.

I'm planning on doing the letter this weekend, so long as I can summon up the courage. My family is growing ever more persistent with their ideas that I should be dating a girl. :S
 
diesanduhr said:
I live near the airport so I stuck my letter in my mom's bag before she left. She called me right after she read it but I didn't answer!
Click to expand...

lol Nic!

I like this suggestion by Colleeny and Nic - it is one I myself use (with anyone - parents, husband, etc.) when I have something that needs to be said or talked about and I can't bring myself to approach the subject face to face for the first time. I find it also allows me to keep my thoughts (mostly) organized and all the points I want to bring up. It may take a few attempts to get it just right, and that is OK too.....

I am not a parent, but I am a person, and other people's sexuality (in my opinion) are their own business. That being said, I DO have problems with people "pushing" their sexual orientation in my face (ie "lewd" public displays of affection) - BUT the sexual orientation is not important - hand holding and sweet little loving "pecks" are fine - but I don't need to see ANYONE'S tongue down anyones throat, or anyones hands up another person's shirt..... but I digress.

Two things that spring to my mind to keep in mind:

I don't think your parents are going to reject you either - if they still love your brother "no matter what" then they will love you too. However, they MIGHT, BIG MIGHT, maybe feel guilty?? You have a chronic illness and now you are telling them you are gay... I am just saying, y mom (for example) carries a huge amount of guilt over my disease - I am sure she would feel responsible and/or guilty for me being gay too (have I mentioned my mom is a little ooff her rocker??? LOL! ).

the other thing to remember is - you are young. You may fall in love with MANY different people, male or female, over the years. I have. I had two same sex relationships during college. But I also dated the opposite sex. Maybe that makes me bisexual - I am not sure. I am now totally in love with my husband (14 years and counting), but if I had found a woman with the same qualities - who knows - I may have ended up with her.

I think falling in love and being attracted to other people is about the other persons QUALITIES, not their gender. "The heart wants what it wants, there is no logic in this"......


Take care of yourself, my friend. And yes, I do agree with the others, one way or the other, it has to come out before it (literally) eats your guts out......

Big squishy hugs from The Moon
 
Nchuleftingth said:
My family is growing ever more persistent with their ideas that I should be dating a girl. :S
Click to expand...

I know it doesn't seem that way because you know you're not into girls and they don't, but to me that sounds like regular family pressure. Alot of families do it with their kids, they expect a certain thing to happen by a certain time, and when it doesn't they start dropping hints which get heavier and heavier.

Of course you are understandably sensitive right now and it must feel hard to hear those things, but I wouldn't read too much into it. Probably their own parents started saying that kind of stuff once they got to your age. Society and families are great for expecting people to do stuff.

I know my brothers ex was very vocal, everytime I saw her she was like "have you got a guy?" Because I was the only single person she knew, all her friends had boyfriends and the same was expected of me. Are alot of your peers coupled up? Your parents would see that and be wanting and expecting you to be the same.

I wish you the best of luck, I came out as bi to my Mum a few years ago and I was rather miffed in a way that she wasn't shocked or surprised at all!
 
Hi Ben,

I think you are pretty lucky to have so many friends on here willing to share advice :D.

I think anything I would offer as advice has already been said, so I just wanted to wish you luck in finding the courage to do whatever is right for you.

:heart:
 
I know it doesn't seem that way because you know you're not into girls and they don't, but to me that sounds like regular family pressure. Alot of families do it with their kids, they expect a certain thing to happen by a certain time, and when it doesn't they start dropping hints which get heavier and heavier.

Of course you are understandably sensitive right now and it must feel hard to hear those things, but I wouldn't read too much into it. Probably their own parents started saying that kind of stuff once they got to your age. Society and families are great for expecting people to do stuff.

I know my brothers ex was very vocal, everytime I saw her she was like "have you got a guy?" Because I was the only single person she knew, all her friends had boyfriends and the same was expected of me. Are alot of your peers coupled up? Your parents would see that and be wanting and expecting you to be the same.

I may be only 24 but already I am getting the "grandchildren/ great grandchildre" comments from my Mum/Nan and i'm single haha! I tell them, don't look at me, I have a brother and two cousins who are older!

I wish you the best of luck, I came out as bi to my Mum a few years ago and I was rather miffed in a way that she wasn't shocked or surprised at all!
 
Silvermoon said:
Take care of yourself, my friend. And yes, I do agree with the others, one way or the other, it has to come out before it (literally) eats your guts out......
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Stress is such a factor with my stomach. I didn't show regular signs of Crohn's until I was in college... but I can still remember taking breakups bad when I was younger. I remember crying and holding my guts as spasams rang through. Still happens.

If you need another reason to do this, your health should definitely be one of them. I won't let my job kill me. I won't let my family kill me. And you shouldn't let other's opinions kill you.

Do what you have to do for you. End of story.
:heart:
 
Silvermoon said:


the other thing to remember is - you are young. You may fall in love with MANY different people, male or female, over the years. I have. I had two same sex relationships during college. But I also dated the opposite sex. Maybe that makes me bisexual - I am not sure. I am now totally in love with my husband (14 years and counting), but if I had found a woman with the same qualities - who knows - I may have ended up with her.

I think falling in love and being attracted to other people is about the other persons QUALITIES, not their gender. "The heart wants what it wants, there is no logic in this"......
Click to expand...

There's a term for this called pansexuality where gender is irrelevant to whom you're attracted to. It's the actual person you like rather than the gender. I'm completely the same. I hate thinking of myself as bisexual even though I guess technically I am. I like dating and being with guys but there's been girls I've dated and really liked in the past and I could see myself being with them too. Although it's not because they were female, I just liked and were attracted to them for who they are.

Saying that, I don't think all people are pansexual or in some way bisexual. I think that some people are definitely straight or gay.
 
So today, I chatted with the guy who had wanted to talk to me before I came out... Regret doing that :/ The whole conversation was him trying to subvert what I believe, whilst pushing his fanatic hatred of his sexuality onto me. Not pleasant... I feel all grumpy and angry, and keep second guessing myself now. </that relationship>

I came out to my aunt though, and she was just kinda like "really? cool. I don't care much", and we chatted about how I was going to tell my parents. Pretty rocking. Monday is the day, I think.
 
Yea, that is cool about your auntie. Not so cool with your friend, but poor guy he sounds really screwed up. Best of luck for Monday - just be you, hun xxx
 
Be honest, first with yourself, then allow your family to see the honest adult unfold before their eyes. Each family has a different dynamic and each person deals with things their own way. Just remember, anytime you talk to someone not expecting the "gay thing," the first thing they do is get a picture in their mind, which can be extremely distasteful for some. Soooo, bear in mind it will take them an adjustment to be able to look and talk to you and see you again. It is on you to be patient and loving; its on them to be adult about it. My family was very cool, but my ex and I went for years before her family could accept us as us again.
 
Forget about the friend for a little while. That's stress you don't need right now.

Proud to hear about your Aunt. She sounds like good people. Reassured me to hear, know you're doing the right thing.

:heart:
 
Nchuleftingth said:
So today, I chatted with the guy who had wanted to talk to me before I came out... Regret doing that :/ The whole conversation was him trying to subvert what I believe, whilst pushing his fanatic hatred of his sexuality onto me. Not pleasant... I feel all grumpy and angry, and keep second guessing myself now. </that relationship>

I came out to my aunt though, and she was just kinda like "really? cool. I don't care much", and we chatted about how I was going to tell my parents. Pretty rocking. Monday is the day, I think.
Click to expand...

Ugguhughu what a jerk face. Forget him.

I just want to make some points. You don't have to come out. The reason I did was I wasn't going to hide it anymore, and I didn't want my family to find out through word of mouth or on Facebook or something. This was my personal preference, but some people choose to do that. But remember that this is something straight people don't (generally) even think about. They just follow their natural course, start dating someone, everybody knows what time it is. I have some non-straight friends who did the same thing and it was no big deal. Sometimes being in the closet feels like you're hiding (which isn't good), but sometimes being in the closet means you just haven't bothered or had a reason to bring it up.

I'm not trying to discourage you and I hope it doesn't sound that way. I encourage you and support you all the way. I'm just saying find your own "truth." You don't have to come out just because you feel like that's the thing to do (although it doesn't sound to me like that's your reasoning). Or even if you're not ready. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you do decide to come out, keep in mind that their response may be less than positive. I feel like a lot of people have been telling you it'll be ok and your parents will love you no matter what. It sounds like you have a great family, but I don't know them so I don't know if that will be true. For some people, it's not. Hopefully the rest of your family will respond the same way as your aunt.

Good luck if you go through with it tomorrow. You are very strong and you have my support all the way with whatever you decide.
 
Go Cool Auntie!

No advice or information, just sending support to you. You'll make the decision that works for you.
 
Sooooo.... Got it done today. Left a letter with my parents, bolted out the door, drove to school.... My mom just updated her facebook status about digital cable, so obviously she hasn't had a heart attack..

I'm having tea tonight with the aunt I had come out to, and she's coming home with me, to make sure my parents don't castrate me. I'll give an update tonight, provided my head is intact.

<3
 
Well done Ben! I'm so proud of you...:)

Good luck for tonight hun...:goodluck:...You deserve nothing but the best!

Dusty. xxx
 
I took a crap-load of prednisone before bed last night and I had a long, detailed dream about being gay and having lots of gay... experiences. I blame you for this.

;-)
 
muppet said:
I took a crap-load of prednisone before bed last night and I had a long, detailed dream about being gay and having lots of gay... experiences. I blame you for this.

;-)
Click to expand...

I love these dreams. They happen rarely though :(

So I'm alive! My father hasn't spoken to me, and my mother was pretty hysterical, but I am alive, and my balls are still attached to my body. There's alot of religious tension. My mom is terrified I'm going to hell... haha... yeah... me too...........

Anyways, I'll keep you guys updated <3
 
Hell is other people.

I might have appreciated the dreams more if I were gay. ;). I sure was enjoying myself IN the dreams, though.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry you've got the religious dogma crap to deal with.
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to update is all! Try and remember this is all new to them so they will need time to adjust... hopefully they will come around.
 
Aw, well done Ben. I'm proud of you. Give them time and things will settle. Hoping all your dreams come true .......... Especially ones of the Muppet variety :) xxx
 
Hey Ben, so glad you finally did it. Just give your parents some time, it is a shock to them, and right now it is more about them, because "what if people find out" like Dusty has a thread about grievances and the stages , she hit it on the head. Get your mom some literature about PFlagg it could help her understand more that it is who you are, not that you chose to be. They will grasp it in time. Just enjoy your college life, because your life is about to begin. Good luck, update us ok?
 
Very proud of you. And yes, it's good that your balls are still attached. Baby steps are expected in eggshell situations. Either way, progress has been made. No more lying or secret keeping from the people that you love. I'm sure you feel much better, as you should. Give them time. Keep us updated on their progress too.

:heart:
 
Thanks for the support guys :soledance:

Things are kinda all over the place. People are freaking out. I'm pretty chill. I've got relatives coming from hours away, to come console other relatives. I'm chill. I've got parents staying out all night pondering the world's troubles and my sexuality. I'm still chill. I've got calculus homework. OH DAMN, FREAK OUT.

Point being, I'm going mad that everyone is making a big deal of this, because I could really use some help with things that matter, like this damn disease, or my school work. I've felt good the past couple days, but not so great today, because of the stress.

My mom talked to me about AIDS, and anal sex. It was pretty unwarranted, but then again, she thought that when I said I was gay, I also meant "oh, and I'm moving out, running away to a gay bar, and dressing like a fairy for the rest of my life"... sooooo...... yeah.................

I'm just really posting because I'm frustrated, lonely, and feel like shit. And, I also wanted to apologize for not being overly active on the forum on anything that doesn't pertain directly to me lol... Lots of work. :S I miss you all. Helen, you better be keeping things clean in our sub. ;) This is really more of a "my life" post, but.... whatever....... I had 9 cups of pudding in one sitting today. And a muppet dream last night. ooh la la.


:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
 
Ben, I'm sorry your parents are freaking out. I was serious about PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) being a good resource for hysterical relatives, but so is time. Eventually, hopefully, one or both of them will realize that you are the same person you were before and you are a good person.

In the meantime, remember: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the sofa. Or something like that.
 
Ben, I'm sorry that your family is freaking out, but give them time. They probably don't understand that your didn't choose it, it is how you were made. Eventually, they will come to understand that and things will get to normal. Or at least a new normal.

Enjoy your muppet dreams!
 
Hi Ben, I hope things are calming down for you a little bit. Isn't it amazing how the little things cause freak-outs but the big things don't? I guess it's just easier to freak out about the little stuff (like your kid coming out) as opposed to the big bad stuff (like your kid having a terrible illness).

Please feel free to vent here or spill what you need to spill. I was a mess when I came out, and then again when I told my parents I was engaged. It's overwhelming, don't feel like you have to go it alone.
 
:heart::heart::heart::heart: Ha, ha, don't worry, hunny bunny, you've got enough on your plate. Sweetie, have you thought about maybe getting some counselling? I know you can talk to us here, but I'm a bit worried about the stress you're under and I'm thinking an objective outsider IRL might be good? Like possibly a counsellor at the uni?
I have to say you are doing amazingly well though and maybe it's certain members of the family that need counselling!
 
One day at a time, Ben. Know that this forum is a safe space for you.
Re. a comment below (above?), I know some of the counsellors at SJ and they are pretty awesome! Great resource if you want to talk to people in person.
 
Jessica said:
http://youtu.be/DVAgz6iyK6A

Hope.
:heart:
Click to expand...

This is terribly disturbing, for some reason :S


Thanks for the support guise. I'll keep posting when I get the chance. Kinda busy right now tho... <3 <3 <3


---------------------------EDIT

So yeah, I've considered some counselling at the uni. The thing is, everything is so damn inaccessible. And I have no time. Which is ridiculous, because I'm not even taking a full load. :S And I'm not sure what I'd say. I'm lonely. I have terribly low self-esteem, and... I don't know. I feel terribly depressed about the whole situation. I don't really feel any better. I mean, I'm not as angry, so I'm nicer to those around me. But I still feel like I'm by myself. Straight men don't like men. I don't really like gay men. It's a frustrating situation. And it makes me even more mad that I GIVE A SHIT. Because there are people starving right now. And I have no right to complain.

AHHH.

I need a man. lolololol...

Sorry for the vomit of personal stuff/sob story. But I figure I don't know anyone more supportive or understanding or accepting than you guys. Especially the accepting part. My own mother questions every single thing I do, from what I eat, to what I wear, to how I brush my teeth. It's nice to come here, and be able to say "so, I tried wiping my butt with a cat this morning" and NOT be judged. I :heart: you all :D
 
Last edited:
Hope things soon improve for you :) I have a mom like that too, or I did. I just started evading questions or asking straight why she was asking (you have no idea how many times I got the "just wondered" line), she is much better now. You have to nip it in the bud lol, I put up with it for far too long, decided the fault lay with both of us, she was doing it and I was allowing.
 
Jessica said:
So sorry if I offended. May I ask, why? Seemed hopeful to me the way that his parents were accepting. :/
Click to expand...

I thought I had replied to this. Not offended haha... I was just really nervous throughout the entire video. Not sure why :S
 
I have to say - I took one look at that video title and got super-nervous - everything in my body went "Aaaugh! Why would I want to go through THAT again?!?". I stopped the video before it started.

I guess it's just one of those things - coming out is nerve wracking at best, even if you are watching someone else do it.
 
colleeny beany said:
I have to say - I took one look at that video title and got super-nervous - everything in my body went "Aaaugh! Why would I want to go through THAT again?!?". I stopped the video before it started.

I guess it's just one of those things - coming out is nerve wracking at best, even if you are watching someone else do it.
Click to expand...

You should still watch it. Skip to the end if you have to! It's so sweet. This man posted an "It Gets Better" video a week before coming out, and he had his head cut out at the top because DADT was not yet repealed. It's very powerful and sweet.
 
Nchuleftingth said:
So yeah, I've considered some counselling at the uni. The thing is, everything is so damn inaccessible. And I have no time. Which is ridiculous, because I'm not even taking a full load. :S And I'm not sure what I'd say. I'm lonely. I have terribly low self-esteem, and... I don't know. I feel terribly depressed about the whole situation. I don't really feel any better. I mean, I'm not as angry, so I'm nicer to those around me. But I still feel like I'm by myself. Straight men don't like men. I don't really like gay men. It's a frustrating situation. And it makes me even more mad that I GIVE A SHIT. Because there are people starving right now. And I have no right to complain.

AHHH.

I need a man. lolololol...

Sorry for the vomit of personal stuff/sob story. But I figure I don't know anyone more supportive or understanding or accepting than you guys. Especially the accepting part. My own mother questions every single thing I do, from what I eat, to what I wear, to how I brush my teeth. It's nice to come here, and be able to say "so, I tried wiping my butt with a cat this morning" and NOT be judged. I :heart: you all :D
Click to expand...

Firstly, you should be proud of yourself for 'coming out' to your family, especially coming from such a religious background. I'm Jewish, and when I came out to my parents a couple of years ago, it must have felt like the sky had fallen in for them. They didn't accept it then and I'm finally coming to the realization now that they probably won't ever. However, I'm not going to let it stop me living my life to the full and neither should you. I want to find someone, settle down with them and maybe even have kids (if Crohn's doesn't get in the way but I'm determined not to let it!)

You're not alone. It does get easier. Within time your self-esteem will grow. Have no regrets..what you've done is courageous and anyway, why should you be anyone but yourself?! Life is too short to try and be someone that you're not. The way I see it is that as long as you spreading love in this world...what does it matter whom you love? There's so much evil and destruction that exists at present-surely God just wants his creatures to get along and live in peace and harmony-I'll never understand homophobia, especially from religious groups when the bible clearly states "love thy neighbour as thyself".

Anyway, try and focus ahead for now. That's what I do whenever I begin to question my 'coming out' and feel ashamed for being the way I am. But there's a whole other world out there that you've yet to see. Life won't always be like this and one day you'll be living for yourself and no-one else. And then you'll find true happiness. It will happen, believe in it.

Always have faith in yourself-your parents and the people around you may think they know you better and have your best interests at heart, but really no-one knows you quite like you know yourself :thumleft:
 
jonnyb said:
Firstly, you should be proud of yourself for 'coming out' to your family, especially coming from such a religious background. I'm Jewish, and when I came out to my parents a couple of years ago, it must have felt like the sky had fallen in for them. They didn't accept it then and I'm finally coming to the realization now that they probably won't ever. However, I'm not going to let it stop me living my life to the full and neither should you. I want to find someone, settle down with them and maybe even have kids (if Crohn's doesn't get in the way but I'm determined not to let it!)

You're not alone. It does get easier. Within time your self-esteem will grow. Have no regrets..what you've done is courageous and anyway, why should you be anyone but yourself?! Life is too short to try and be someone that you're not. The way I see it is that as long as you spreading love in this world...what does it matter whom you love? There's so much evil and destruction that exists at present-surely God just wants his creatures to get along and live in peace and harmony-I'll never understand homophobia, especially from religious groups when the bible clearly states "love thy neighbour as thyself".

Anyway, try and focus ahead for now. That's what I do whenever I begin to question my 'coming out' and feel ashamed for being the way I am. But there's a whole other world out there that you've yet to see. Life won't always be like this and one day you'll be living for yourself and no-one else. And then you'll find true happiness. It will happen, believe in it.

Always have faith in yourself-your parents and the people around you may think they know you better and have your best interests at heart, but really no-one knows you quite like you know yourself :thumleft:
Click to expand...

Good for you!:thumleft: You are such an inspiration! I couldnt of said it better! It must be hard at times with knowing how your parents feel.

What ever happened to unconditional love?? Parents make mistakes too, they will come around.

Thanks for giving this post.
 
Hi Ben sorry im late to this thread. Thanks to Nic for pointing it out. good job on being brave to come out.

There are many resources out there including PFLAG, your local gay community center and the GLBT national hotline to name a few.

I'm also a gay man and have gone through the whole coming out process and would be happy to guide and lend my support.
 
Hi Ben, again sorry for being late to this thread - I only joined today!

I came out to my mum and 3 masculine brothers in 2010 and religious Dad in 2011, and of course being Irish I was from conservative background too. They are all now pretty cool about it - time lets people realise family is more important.

Agreed with others too that I told my family because I didn't want them to find out through a third source, and also the stress wouldn't be great for my crohns.

Anyway, I can't really preach, because my first reaction was to move to Berlin (Germany) and not tell anyone at home. Since living in possible one of the most accepting gay cities in the world (with an openly gay major for the last 12 years who goes to gay clubs!) I realised I was fine about telling people. So it is a matter of when your ready with friends or extended family.

Again, like everyone here, well done in deciding it was right to come out and for being brave enough to go ahead with it. One day people will see being gay like having crohns - not a choice...
 
Jonny said:
Hi Ben, again sorry for being late to this thread - I only joined today!

I came out to my mum and 3 masculine brothers in 2010 and religious Dad in 2011, and of course being Irish I was from conservative background too. They are all now pretty cool about it - time lets people realise family is more important.

Agreed with others too that I told my family because I didn't want them to find out through a third source, and also the stress wouldn't be great for my crohns.

Anyway, I can't really preach, because my first reaction was to move to Berlin (Germany) and not tell anyone at home. Since living in possible one of the most accepting gay cities in the world (with an openly gay major for the last 12 years who goes to gay clubs!) I realised I was fine about telling people. So it is a matter of when your ready with friends or extended family.

Again, like everyone here, well done in deciding it was right to come out and for being brave enough to go ahead with it. One day people will see being gay like having crohns - not a choice...
Click to expand...

I would not compare being gay with crohns. One is a disease we want cured and the other is not a disease that needs no cure nor can be cured.
 
Hi Ben. My views always shock people because I am Avery strong Christian as is my family. Here is the thing. Our job as Christians is to love and support others and to show grace and compassion. I smoke I swear and that is no different than you being Gay sin is sin and we all do it. There is no weight in sin one is not worse than the other and that does not mean you can't love God or that God does not love you.
With that said I say be proud of who you are and tell the people who are closest to you. I am sure at first there will be some shock and tension at first but it will fade.
Plus holding secrets in only makes your health worse cuz it eats at you and that's no good.
Good luck
 
Fozzyboy said:
Hi Ben. My views always shock people because I am Avery strong Christian as is my family. Here is the thing. Our job as Christians is to love and support others and to show grace and compassion. I smoke I swear and that is no different than you being Gay sin is sin and we all do it. There is no weight in sin one is not worse than the other and that does not mean you can't love God or that God does not love you.
With that said I say be proud of who you are and tell the people who are closest to you. I am sure at first there will be some shock and tension at first but it will fade.
Plus holding secrets in only makes your health worse cuz it eats at you and that's no good.
Good luck
Click to expand...

I am a Christian and being gay is absolutely not a sin and love cannot be equated with a bad habit like smoking. There is not one thing Jesus ever said that suggests being gay is a sin and to the contrary it appears ever so clear to me that Jesus embraced gay people. We are neither male nor female in the eyes of God and I think that can be extended to sexuality. God also says the eunuch (gay men) are born that way and attain the kingdom of God.

The debate is over and those seeking to misinterpret scripture to suit their agenda are losing.
 
nogutsnoglory said:
I am a Christian and being gay is absolutely not a sin and love cannot be equated with a bad habit like smoking. There is not one thing Jesus ever said that suggests being gay is a sin and to the contrary it appears ever so clear to me that Jesus embraced gay people. We are neither male nor female in the eyes of God and I think that can be extended to sexuality. God also says the eunuch (gay men) are born that way and attain the kingdom of God.

The debate is over and those seeking to misinterpret scripture to suit their agenda are losing.
Click to expand...

Ment no offense but can see how it could be interpreted that way. If I offended my apologies. I have a degree in Divinity and I have no agenda. Debating scripture is not important what is important is that God is love and loves us all. Guess I should have worded differently again my apologies only wanted to give him some comfort
Ben my point was regardless of how your feeling or your family is feeling God loves you so much so that he sent his Son to die for you
 
Hi Ben, I just want to say alot of parents don't approve of the children's lifestyle-whether they live together without being married or maybe are in a relationship with someone for whatever reason they disapprove of. I think the important thing is they learn to deal with it and accept that their children's choice is just that-THEIRS, and find a way to agree to disagree if necessary, and respect and love each other.

My aunt went off the deep end when I married my husband, who is Mexican, Navajo, and German-he looks more Mexican/Navajo-she even went so far as to say I should've been with the best man because he is white. I mean, seriously???? And yet she has no problem with sexual orientation differences in our family. That's why to me I think respecting others is extremely important, whether its religious differences or sexual orietation-people need to learn that everyone doesn't have to agree to show human kindness and decency.

If people could just do that, these type of situations would be alot less traumatic and people could enjoy being with family. They are the last people you should get grief from IMO.
 

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