Completely distraught please help

[KayleighMeek]

I am so lost. My dad died on Tuesday and I don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow I have to sign the documents for his death certificate but I dont even accept hes dead myself.
Also I have had an argument with my mum and have fallen out with her if everything wasn't difficult enough. I feel like the black sheep of my family and that I am thought of after everyone else. It's my dads funeral but my mum who has been separated from my dad for over 15 years is trying to make all the decisions I understand it must be hard for her but it's my dad shouldn't I have some say. I have a holiday booked for the 26th of september and want to go my dad would have wanted me to go and be happy but I feel do guilty. My sister has also had a holiday booked for sometime and has decided to go this weekend which means she misses the funeral so my mum said we should have the funeral while I'm away as well. Why is this her choice? I feel I have had no say in my dads funeral my sister made her choice why can't I? I feel I am being so selfish but then I think my feelings need to be recognised to, especially if the funeral can be arranged while I'm still in the country.
I'm so upset and angry but feel like I am being pushed aside. Please help I am so upset. I'm going to phone a Berevement counselor tomorro to see if they can help. Please someone help or give some advice. Thank you sorry if this message is confusing head all over the place xx

 

[scottmyster]

HI Kay, this is a difficult decision to make but i am sorry about your dad. If your dad and mom have been seperated for 15 years, Then it should be you making the decisions not your mother.As for your vacation don't feel selfish you deserve to go and be happy about it. I am sure your dad would want you to go.When my brother died at 25 i had a hard time dealing with it I was depressed and angry at the same time.So i know how you feel. He would want me to go on and live my life. The way i want to and not grieve for a long time. It's very difficult not to grieve. But, life must go on. and acceptance is one of those emotions that you have to deal with. I know you have alot on your plate.But you must be strong and stand your ground. I am sure things will work out. Just take it a step at a time. Best wishes.:heart:

 

[Crohns08]

First of all, I'm really sorry about your loss, losing a parent is never easy and I commend you for already being able to even think about arrangements and what needs to be done.

Secondly, what I would do is try and talk rationally with your mom and your sister in the same room. Maybe your sister can help convey to your mom how you're feeling and maybe help come up with a compromise. If that didn't work then I would take both of them with you to the berevement counselor and maybe he/she can help you solve your problem. I know emotions must be running high because of the situation but sometimes a third party can really help with these kinds of situations. That being said, don't let them push you over, he was your Dad after all. Stand up for yourself, but at the same time do it respectfully so that maybe your mom might see things differently. If you let your emotions overwhelm you people have a tendency to push them aside and do what they want.

Hope this helps, again, sorry for your loss.

 

[tiloah]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I can't go in depth right now, but I just want to say one of the things I learned when my dad died is grief makes people go crazy. People will say and do things that make absolutely no sense and you just have to forgive them. I would try to go with the flow as much as you can stand to do. Don't get yourself worked up over things that in the long run won't matter (although if in the long run it will matter, do stand your ground). Don't feel selfish or guilty. You are grieving too and you deserve whatever comfort you can wrest for yourself. Take care of yourself and your heart. At the same time recognize that you are not the only one who is hurting. After 15 years you have to ask if your mom being in control is what your dad would have wanted, but at the same time you can't dismiss someone's feelings just because it has been 15 years. Does that make sense?

I hope you and your family can find comfort and healing. Give it time.

If it were me and I could, I would probably cancel on the holiday. But I don't know you, and it might be the best thing for you right now. I can't make that decision. But it might be good to consider it.

Grief and death and all that is very complicated and difficult. I promise you will make it through. If you can find it in your heart to accept the way people are acting right now it will make it easier in the long run. Maybe tell your mother how much you are hurting and explain what would be important to you. But I know lasting damage can be done to the living over qualms caused by losing family members. Try to keep that from happening.

 

[DustyKat]

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear of your Dad's death...:hug::hug::hug:

Do you have any legal responsibilities in relation to your Dad's affairs? Executor of the will, Power Of Attorney, that sort of thing?
I assume you have role as you are signing documents. If your Mother had any legal standing in his life then it would be she that is signing them.

It should be a family decision as to how your Father is going to be remembered and it should be his wishes that are respected first and foremost. This is not the time for your Mother to be exercising her power over the family. I don't wish to diss on your Mother but since you have had a falling out it sounds as if her comment about having the funeral while you are away is selfish and payback for whatever happened during the argument.

Unfortunately it is often at the this very sad time in your life that the unpleasant side of family members come to the fore. If you have no legal standing in your Father's affairs then the say you have is at the mercy of the person that assumes control.

You are not being selfish hun, you are grieving for someone that you love and the least you deserve is to be acknowledged and recognised. I think it is a very good idea that you are going to seek assistance to help you through this and I also think you should go ahead with your holiday as you will be respecting his wishes by doing so.
I understand how difficult it will be for you not to be at your Dad's funeral should it happen that way but your Dad is with you everyday hun, you will carry him with you in your heart and soul for the rest of your life and that's is something no one can take away from you. It is special, private and enduring.

Much love, :Karl:
Dusty. xxxxxxxx

 

[Loriebird]

I am so sorry for your loss.. my heart really goes out to you I lost my brother earlier this year, and I am still grieving. I've been thinking about him almost every day this week. I am so sorry that your pain is being made even more difficult with family drama.

Regarding your decision to go to your dad's funeral... this is just such a personal choice. You need to do what is best for you. But I will say this.. I didn't want to go to my brother's funeral. It was open-casket, and I was traumatized by seeing his body. I had nightmares for weeks.. and seeing my mom pouring over her son, fixing his tye, holding his hand, etc, broke my heart. But it was so important for me to see him one last time and get closure. I was able to say goodbye. Also, it touched my heart to see everyone who came to my brother's funeral. He had believed no one loved him in life.. and the room was so full, people were standing in the hallway to hear the minister speak. Even though my brother's funeral was the worse day of my life.. I think it gave me a lot of peace and closure in the end. I hope that regardless of your decision, you will get the peace and closure you need. I will pray for you and your family. I hope that you will be able to support each other during this sad time.

 

[KayleighMeek]

Thank you all for your kind words it really means so much. This morning I got up very early and gave my mum a massive hug and said shall we just start again and she was fine we were both seeing more sense today. I feel so angry it was so sudden I think I'm taking it out on everyone else when I really want to shout at him why now you complete pain in the bum. He would have just laughed my dad never talked about what he wanted for his funeral, he has no will, we can't find any bank statements just nothing. He was never interested about money and would give his last pound to someone else. I am the next of kin so I am going to have to go through a lot with funeral directors and solicitors, not done this before so I have no idea where to start. My sister wouldn't be able to deal with doing the paperwork she shows more emotion than me. I am a lot like my dad I close down don't talk about how I feel and I am very stubborn but I am trying my hardest to put this aside to help my family. I understand as well that my mum loved my dad and she was upset and shocked with the news I think we both just had a bad night last night and it looks like we can both move on. Today at 4pm I have to sort out his death certificate and then decide if I want to see him... I don't know if I can but I don't want to regret not seeing him.
Again sorry this message is very muddled my spelling is terrible my brain is just not working properly. Thank you again everyone x

 

[Lizzie]

Hello. I am sorry to hear of your loss (my own dad died this year and I am still going through my own bereavement so I know how hard it is). I'd just like to say you don't need to worry too much about the practical stuff, it's really not that hard, except for emotionally of course. When you register the death they are very helpful and give you written information about what to do next, and then the undertakers do most of the arrangements after that. For example, my dad wasn't religious so the undertakers found us a wonderful Humanist to do his service, and this man came and spent a couple of hours with us to find out what my dad was like as a person, then he checked his speech with my mother before the day of the funeral, so it all came across really well.

The cost of a funeral can be quite a shock. My dad's funeral was fairly simple and basic and came to about £4,500. I read the other day that the average cost is now over £7,000. I hope you don't mind me mentioning that, it's just that when people haven't been very organised about money it can add an extra pressure to the shock of losing them. Luckily we weren't in that position but I have known a lot of people who were.

I'm glad you've made things up with your mother, too. Like other people have said, deaths can cause horrible rifts in families and bring existing tensions to the surface in a totally uncontrolled way.

 

[xJillx]

I am so very sorry about your Father. But I am glad things were different today with your Mom. This is a very difficult and emotional time for you all. When things get tough, it can be easy to argue with one another. But, hopefully, you guys will lean on each other instead.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

 

[DustyKat]

I am so glad to hear that things have settled a little for you hun...:hug:

I hope things continue on a smooth path at such a very, very difficult time for you and your family.

Deep breaths...you can do this and you will do it well, I know you will.

Thinking of you and sending loads of love and hugs your way...:hug::hug::hug:
Dusty. xxxxxxxx

 

[Lydia]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It was a very big thing to hug your mother even though you were mad at her. Good on you hun. Take care. Again so sorry for your loss.

 

[Carrie630]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, you should have a say in the funeral arrangements.

You should not feel at all guilty for going on your trip. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty either.

 

[KayleighMeek]

Again a massive thank you for everyone who has replied. Wednesday the minister is coming round to arrange more of the funeral and to organise the small ceremony we are having for the ashes. We have been looking into getting a grant for the funeral as me and my sister both still live at home and don't have a lot of money it looks like something we should be able to do, which is a big weight off my mind.
I am going on my trip it's what my dad would have wanted and my sister has also gone on holiday as well and made me promise I would go on mine.
Lots more to sort out and still feel completely rubbish but have to carry on. Thank you everyone x