Crap friends

[Toomuchtooyoung]

Being ill with Crohns certainly helps you weed out all the crappy people in your life.

Have been basically constantly ill for the past two years and a lot of people in my life have not been very understanding. But there's one friend who has particularly annoyed me. We have been friends since sixth form (for 8 years) and he moved countries to go to university but we have stayed good friends. It one of those relationships where we won't talk for a while but when we do and he comes back to see his parents it is like no time has passed at all.

Anyway he knows that I have been super ill the past couple of years yet he never texts or calls to ask how I am and he hasn't shown me any support. When he comes bak to visit he acts all caring then just forgets about me as soon as he leaves. He recently split with his fiancee who he lived with (she called it off) and all he has done for the past 8 months is feel sorry for himself. i've been through a lot physically and mentally and just found out that my boyfriend of three years (who I had lived with and discussed getting engaged to) had been cheating me (found out on Christmas Day). Now my friend is calling and texting me about how he's so sad about his relationship breaking down and posts similarly self pitying comments on his Facebook. Now he wants me to fly over to visit him soon for a weekend...basically cos he gets really depressed at the weekends without his fiancée. I can't help not feeling that sorry for him. I have been through a lot over the past two years and he wasn't there for me and I've had a break up of a serious relationship too but I don't go crying to him (cos I've learnt not to rely on him). I can't help feeling like...he wasn't there for me so why should I be there for him?

Just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar.

 

[SarahBear]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.

I can relate. I have / had a friend who was pretty much the same way - we could go months without talking, then when we did again it was always the same as it had been. Some times, we'd go through phases where we would talk daily. She was my best friend for about six years. Recently, she's become very insensitive (not only to me and my health problems - others have noticed her acting that way towards them as well), constantly making jokes about CD and getting aggravated with me for feeling unwell or canceling plans. Another friend (who also has health problems) and I were comparing symptoms and just having a nice vent once, and to everything we said, the first friend would respond, "Yeah, but that happens to everyone sometimes."

Recently, she got married. Another friend and I threw her a bachelorette party before her wedding and she completely forgot about it - she showed up an hour and a half late, after we called and texted her asking where she was. We spent several hundred dollars each throwing her a party and she didn't seem to care at all. Now, she's been having a lot of problems in her marriage. She only texts me when she's upset about it and wants reassurance that it's going to be okay, or to complain about other people and things. She doesn't ask how I am or anything like that.

I'm facing the same dilemma you are. We're in one-sided friendships here. I think we just need to ask ourselves, "Is it worth it?" Do you want to put the effort into the friendship and see if you can overcome this?

:hug: I hope things get better soon!

 

[Toomuchtooyoung]

Thanks for the reply Sarah. Sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation!

I've been thinking maybe I should just forgive and forget but then the resentment sets in again! Thinking I might have to keep my distance and see if he proves to me that I can rely on him. I don't think ill fly over straight away to see him because I'm only getting back to work now after a year of being off sick and I think I just need to concentrate on that ATM. I'm not you going to stress out trying to fit in a weekend trip to see him when I'm probably going to be quite stressed getting back to work.

I had tried to make excuses for him, like 'oh he's a guy, maybe it's not personal and that's just the way he is' but my other guy friends aren't so self absorbed.

I don't really understand how people are so self absorbed. I think it sometimes boils down to the fact that these people have never had to experience any massive problems in their lives and so cannot empathise with other people who do have problems. Then, after showing no empathy towards others, when the 'shit hits the fan' in their lives they expect everyone to come running.

 

[Grant]

One thing you find with Crohns or a similar illness it does sort the wheat from the chaffe amongst your friends. I've been pretty lucky on the whole but there are a few who've fallen by the wayside, basically people that never ever get ill @ all & simply don't understand or want to understand. Its sad but its one of life's lessons I guess.
Rgds
Grant

 

[723crossroads]

I guess that is true to a point. Those who really know you though, and love u won't let it matter at all!:heart:

 

[Ihurt]

I totall get it. I have a lot of health issues and when I became chronically ill 9 years ago, I lost most of my friends( well, in my opinion not much was lost as they obviously were not true friends to begin with). I have about 2 real good friends( ironically, one of them is also chronically ill and the other also has some health issues). I have learned that most of the healthy society, and I mean people who have only had to deal with a cold or flu now and then do not accept nor understand chronic illness.

The way I look at it is if your friend is being passive or does not seem to care about how you feel, but expects you to be there for him all the time when the chips are down, well this is definitely a one sided friendship that you can do without in my opinion.

 

[honeybeast]

Its true you do find out who your true friends are when times get rough It just means they weren't really your true friends in the first place. If they were they would of never left your side. I had a couple of friends who I thought were going to be around forever. They liked the party girl I used to be and when I got ill and I started not coming out they ended up not even bothering to invite me and not once did they come and visit me in hospital when I was really sick and needed my friends. I see them as people that were in my life at that time not long life friends, im afraid you will come across a lot of people like that throughout your life.

Sorry to hear your boyfriend had cheated on you and you found out xmas day . Christmas 2011 I also found out 3 days before xmas that my 2 year bf had cheated and had a 4 month baby with another girl.
In july 2012 I met the man who has flipped my life upside down and I havent been happier
Get a man that deserves you and laugh off the silly slime ball who messed up his life more than anything. Also once a cheat always a cheat , he will do the same to her!

All the best x

 

[Toomuchtooyoung]

Its true you do find out who your true friends are when times get rough It just means they weren't really your true friends in the first place. If they were they would of never left your side. I had a couple of friends who I thought were going to be around forever. They liked the party girl I used to be and when I got ill and I started not coming out they ended up not even bothering to invite me and not once did they come and visit me in hospital when I was really sick and needed my friends. I see them as people that were in my life at that time not long life friends, im afraid you will come across a lot of people like that throughout your life.

Sorry to hear your boyfriend had cheated on you and you found out xmas day . Christmas 2011 I also found out 3 days before xmas that my 2 year bf had cheated and had a 4 month baby with another girl.
In july 2012 I met the man who has flipped my life upside down and I havent been happier
Get a man that deserves you and laugh off the silly slime ball who messed up his life more than anything. Also once a cheat always a cheat , he will do the same to her!

All the best x

Omg that's awful that he did that! but the best thing to happen was you finding out- before marriage and kids came along! Cos ur right, once a cheat always a cheat, best to find out early so you can get outa dodge and find a better man! Thats how ive been thinking about my situation anyway. I'm glad to hear uve found your perfect man now! I've been feeling way more positive about the future recently...I'm back at work, feeling much better both physically and mentally and looking forward to finding the man of my dreams hehe!

 

[tots]

I really understand what your going through.

I am sorry there are people in your life that make this harder to deal with.

I hope things get better soon!


Lauren

 

[Birka]

As a New Yorker I am used to having all kinds of people in my life who come and go and consider themselves my friends but I would not call them as such. Our frenzied lifestyle is partly to blame so I don't hold grudges at people. Just remember that if you are lucky you will have those 1 or 2 friends that will always be there by your side, supporting you, your true friends so to speak. I always knew that even before Crohn's and never relied on those others much as friends. Perhaps my attitude is wrong but I think logically it makes sense that you can only have a couple of true friends you can count on. Don't despair and invest your time and energy into the people that care about you.