Crohns and a broken heart please help.

[anna25]

Hi everyone. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. My long distance boyfriend of six months has a very bad case of CD. He told me after three months and he wanted to break up as he is in shock and trying to deal with it. I had to support him and I agreed even though I was so upset. But when we said goodbye he was very upset, told me he had never been with someone he clicked with so well and he was heartbroken. We talked the next day and he said he realised what he felt losing me when we split so we agreed to try again and I informed myself about CD and let him know that I was fully supportive.

Fast forward again and he had a flare. He broke up with me but this time for good. He said he has to focus on getting better which I understand and that he can't manage a serious relationship . I was so upset . We aren't in contact now but I miss and care about him so much. Its only bn 3 days . I guess what I'm asking is, what can I do. I feel so heartbroken that I have lost this man and its out of my control. I was willing to support him in everyday but it wasn't enough I guess. So hard to accept that he cut me out of his life , with no feeling and il never see him again . I feel so guilty as I know he is sick but could I have done more. I can't text again as il just look desperate. I just miss him and cant believe he lost all feelings for me. he was so clinical ending it with me too. I just dont understand how he could visibly and verbally be heart broken to lose me 3 weeks ago, then dump me 3 days ago by text and act so cold. Appreciate any advice guys
he is such an amazing guy, and it kills me to see him so ill. But I cant get over the loss, its like I meant nothing to him. I couldn't stay friends so now its no contact. I'm so empty

 

[jwfoise]

Hi anna25. It sounds like the "problem" is at your boy friend's end, not yours, and for some reason he thinks he needs to cut you (and maybe others) out of his life because of his illness. In fact, he probably needs support now more than ever, but doesn't realise that.

Are you in touch with anyone who is still in touch with him, like his family? Maybe you can talk to them about it? It sounds like he is having problems dealing with the emotional issues from a chronic disease and maybe should seek some help or counseling to deal with that. Maybe his family could encourage him to do so.

 

[anna25]

No unfortunately not. he is determined to focus on one thing only so a relationship is a no go. I just feel so devastated .

 

[tzvia]

On the one hand, I feel for him because Crohns can be so awful. But on the other hand, he seems pretty selfish and uncaring. Dumping you by text is a pretty jerky thing to do.

 

[anna25]

To be honest he's a really good guy, and has been since I met him. That's why it hurts so much

 

[tzvia]

I'm sorry if what I said was harsh, but that's just the feeling that I got from reading your post. Of course you know much more than I do about him. I would say... Just offer your love and support to him one more time. Tell him how much you want to be a partner and ally to him during this time to help him heal. Tell him that your in it with him. (In person, By phone or skype, not text) And he will either accept you and all of the goodness that comes with you (and hopefully apologize for dumping you by text)... Or he will state his boundary again, in which case you should just leave him alone to heal, as hard as that may be. Good luck! You have a really big heart

 

[DJW]

Hi anna25.

I've got no advise. I'm so sorry this has happened. Personally, I believe have a caring person like yourself in ones life can only be helpful. He may regret his decision before long.

 

[anna25]

Thanks everyone well I reached out one more time, didn't ask for a reply ,said don't but maybe consider calling me. just offered my support and my feelings on the break up and for him to think about it. But he never replied anyway so I suppose that's it. Iv never felt so unhappy as I do right now. Feel like everything he said was a lie to appease me 3 weeks ago

I'm just so heart broken right now.

 

[alex_chris]

Anna, this is probably not something you want to hear, but Crohn's is not an excuse to not be in a relationship. If you broke up, it was not about it.

I admit, a long time ago I broke up with a girl for various reasons, one of them was that I was not feeling well at the time, but I probably would not have broken up the relationship if there hadn't been various other problems. Having said that, I can understand that if you got a flare or otherwise can't manage the Crohn and life in general, a relationship on top can be very strenuous. My advice is to not further pursue it, if this guy broke up by text and basically said it is because of the Crohn's it is not worth trying to get back together... Also, I don't think you should feel really sorry for him.

By the way, people who break up and can't be friends later on are weird people. I have always tried to be friends with ex-gfs, sometimes it does not work out, but at least I tried.

 

[anna25]

Hi Alex, funny I felt the same but I have seen how anxious he is. He's like a man possessed with getting better and has quit his job. I think he's just very focused on getting better. Its actually me who can't stay friends. Its too painful. I need to move on I guess but I feel I have no closure. I won't be texting again as iv said my piece.

 

[anna25]

Deep down I have to believe the man who told me he was heartbroken leaving me, can't have changed in 3 weeks to hating me. I just can't .

 

[Bonzo 4]

He's probably down with himself and doesn't feel he deserves anyone because is the disease. I have a wonderful girlfriend I'm thankful she doesn't care and is there for me regardless. Give him space and don't lose contact with him .

 

[anna25]

Hi Bonzo, I know he's deeply upset with his condition. He constantly researches cures and stuff. Sadly I can't keep contact. I sent him an emotional letter and I didn't hear back. I did say not to, but I opened the posibility of him thinking about us and contacting me. He hasn't. And right now I look desperate but I just feel the loss of someone I really cared about.

its more like he wants only to focus on the CD and that a relationship is too stressful. I just find it so hard that he could be and he said this heartbroken and visibly crying breaking up 3 wks ago and when he does it again 3 days ago, its cold and I didn't get even a ill miss you or I really liked you.

 

[Bonzo 4]

Anna I'm sorry to hear this, I hope he is well and you too. I have a wonderful woman who supports me and really loves me. I think maybe he is scared of being in a relationship because of the disease. I hope you two have reconnected .

 

[ronroush7]

I am softy for what you srd going through and what be is going through.

 

[ronroush7]

I meant I am sorry for what you are going through and what he is dealing with.

 

[teeny5]

He might be dealing with depression as well. I had a really hard time in the beginning with accepting the disease. I felt like a burden to my husband.

Give him space, if it's meant to be you will connect again. If not, it wasn't. Maybe it was an excuse for him to let go of the relationship, maybe it's a defense mechanism to block you out. Maybe he just needs time to come to terms with the disease. You may never know. In any case you said your piece...you can't make him respond and if you push too hard it could push him further away.

Good luck, I hope things work out.

 

[tots]

Alex, my thoughts were exactly.

Drop him a note every once in awhile, see how things go. Showing your thinking of him may help him out. But, only if it won't hurt you to do so!


Lauren