Dating apprehensions

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David in Seattle

David in Seattle

Joined
Feb 28, 2010
Messages
1,160
I've posted here about how my wife left me about 7 months ago, about 6 months into my gut odyssey. I recently posted a brief profile on a free dating site, and a seemingly very nice woman who lives about 8 miles away responded. We emailed a couple times, and I am scheduled to call her tonight. The thing is, I began all this when my still undiagnosed stomach issue was feeling a bit better, and naturally, now that I'm somewhat "committed, I'm once again on a downswing. My symptoms aren't nearly as bad as many of you suffer from, and I almost feel a bit embarrassed even whining about them, but they are unpleasant, or at least bad enough to take away your smile when you're out on that 1st face-to-face meeting. The 1st date can be enough of a tense experience at times, but now I find I'm faced with ALL KINDS of issues I never had before. What if my ass hurts to the point it makes sitting through a 2 hour play, music event or movie really unpleasant? I've been limiting my diet severely attempting to see if I might be Celiac, (I feel a bit better, but who knows if there's a link) and was just about to try the Specific Carb Diet, which would also address the gluten while adding another dimension. So, where will we eat? How will I explain all this? What if I actually feel well enough that I get carried away and eat at a "normal" pace, with the result that shortly after dining, I feel like I'm going to have to run to the bathroom immediately for a protracted cramp & crap fest, as sometimes happens? My own WIFE wasn't even sympathetic enough to stick by me with these issues, how can I anticipate a STRANGER will not be even LESS sympathetic? Now all the things I once found so enjoyable, planning an evening of pleasant distractions, is just filling me with dread. A big part of me just feels like emailing this person and telling her to forget it. These last 7 months since my wife left have been really difficult for me. I am SO LONELY I can hardly stand it at times. I really want to meet this person, who seems quite promising in a number of ways, but I'm really nervous about it. I just don't know what to do.
 
What does said woman know thus far about your condition or medical mystery?

Comparing her to your wife is probably a misjudgment, you could lead yourself to be more cynical than is healthy (a bit of cynicism keeps us safe, IMO)...Perhaps this outing could be a test to find out if she has the compassion your wife lacked?
 
No, she doesn't know. Frankly, I would have preferred to "reveal" these things in an email, where you can take a moment to compose a statement/reply, but she was quite enthusiastic about talking on the phone & I didn't want to put her off by saying "no". I'm sure you're right about it being unfair to lump her in with my wife, but I also agree about healthy skepticism ;-)

It's just so striking to me how this frigging condition has taken something that used to be exciting and fun and converted it into uncomfortable doubt.

Thanks for the reply.
 
Perhaps filing her in on a little bit before planning an evening might prepare her in case you aren't feeling 100% the night you plan to meet. For me, personally, I would feel better (mentally) if I was honest with her about my fears. You don't necessarily have to go into detail, but if she's worth it she'll stick around no matter what and you might get a good read on her before you meet face-to-face. Though I know that is a personal choice whether you are ready to share that part of yourself yet.

As far as the possible hurting butt. Perhaps trying that good ol' product so many people on this forum rave about: Calmoseptine. :) Good luck in your decision. i know it's a tough one. Another plus to telling her now rather than later is that if she does react badly at least you wouldn't have invested a great deal in the relationship and could save yourself some heartache.
 
dreamintwilight said:
As far as the possible hurting butt. Perhaps trying that good ol' product so many people on this forum rave about: Calmoseptine. :) Good luck in your decision. i know it's a tough one. Another plus to telling her now rather than later is that if she does react badly at least you wouldn't have invested a great deal in the relationship and could save yourself some heartache.
Click to expand...

Agreed. Might also save me spending some $$$ only to receive heartache... I'll try to bring it up over the phone tonight. I have to say, I haven't been this apprehensive about a date since I was a ****** teenager! :(

My butt pain is odd. It's not really anal, it's more like around my tail bone. Natuarally, the drs just shrug their clueless shoulders. Is the Calmoseptine mostly for anal irritation?
 
You know I really have no idea about the Calmoseptine as I do not use it myself. There is a thread currently going on right now on the topic. You could ask there! :) I hear there is a Facebook group too that was started by someone from this forum!

Good luck on the phone conversation tonight :) I know it is hard and probably terrifying (always is when you put yourself out there), but it will get easier the more you do it! I'm sure a weight will be lifted off your shoulder once you've spilled the beans too. Remember, if she is worth your time she will appreciate your honesty and your relationship will be so much stronger for it!
 
I did end up mentioning my health situation, but it turns out to be a moot point anyway. No "chemistry". rolleyes.gif Somewhat of a relief, actually, with everything else I'm dealing with at the moment.
 
Hey David;

I guess I am a little late jumping in but I wanted to also offer some words of support. I'm kinda going through the same thing, getting back into dating but I've been separated for 2 years now! I tried some dating about a year ago, too, but was discouraged by some of the 'weirdos' out there. :) I met a guy a few weeks ago that I thought I had chemistry with but he stood me up.

I know exactly what you mean about being lonely... especially when I go out with friends who have relationships and families, and then I get home and it's just me and my dog. Just BE lonely. Be your own best friend. Explore what being lonely means to you, and try doing things you normally wouldn't do by yourself... Eat at a restaurant, go for a day trip... treat yourself with kindness.

All I can say is don't get ahead of yourself... just take each email/phone call/in-person date slowly, be honest about your condition right off the bat... and don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out. Look at each person as a stepping stone to the right one, you learn a little about yourself each time. I think it's perfectly normal to have been nervous about all these uncomfortable details about your life, but over time it will get easier as you figure it out... And, the SCD diet is enough to focus on already without having to think about dating again! Gah, it really is like being a teenager again isn't it?! :) I wish you much luck and am sending all my positive vibes your way.
 
Aww...sorry there was no chemistry, but glad you found it out when you did. Glad you got it over with so you don't have that extra stress in your life! Sharon has some great advice. In the past when I had gotten out of a really hard relationship (before I met my husband), I found I was the most happy and met the most people when I was confident in myself! I took the time to have "me" time and exercised and just felt great about "me." It's true that people are more attracted to you when you have that extra confidence. And then I met my husband unexpectedly after going through several duds with "no chemistry"! Enjoy the time getting to know someone honestly and let everything else happen on its own :) Take care of yourself!
 
Don't over stress yourself about it. It will only make things worse.

Just be yourself and confident in who you are. I wouldn't hide your disease. If someone can't deal with it then you are better off knowing right away than months down the road.
 
PRACTICE!!!!

sign up on a free dating site, hell even use a fake name if you want you know? feel free to be TOTALLY anonymous, and get some good practice at having "the talk" with your date.
it takes the pressure off, cause one click and you never have to speak to a person ever again.

im finding easy ways to sneak it in there and if they want to know more, they will ask. theres a ton of common questions where you can hint at it in your answer you know? like "what do you do for work?" well uh for me i dont work right now. that gets the conversation rolling towards talking about the crohns early on you know??
pretty quickly you find ways to not bombard them with your life story but still to have that door open

not saying that this will help with your date tonight, but for the future, for sure, trust me it gives you some great practice
 
My Butt Hurts said:
I just mapquested Manitoba to Seattle. ::giggles::
Click to expand...

What's in Manitoba?

Sharon, I'm sorry someone you thought had potential turned out to be a disappointment. I think you're right about some of the "weirdos". And all the profiles are all so similar! You just know some of them are not being too honest. Seattle is such an outdoorsy area, everyone claims they just couldn't exist without their long distance bike rides through the Cascades, etc. What's frustrating is a few short years ago, I DID bike 60 plus miles/week, but not now! Dammit!

And Kello I do agree the practice is beneficial. The site I'm on is free. Ironically, I met my wife on the pay site match.com in 2001, she had been on there for awhile (as well as on other sites), but I was only on the site very briefly before meeting her. Clearly, I should have shopped a bit longer! :(

Thank you all very much for your input and support, I appreciate it. This is such a great group of people.
 
David in Seattle said:
I recently posted a brief profile on a free dating site, know what to do.
Click to expand...

HAHAHA im so stupid sometimes, i totally missed over this line and gave you advice you were already doing lmao.

sorry!
 
David in Seattle said:
What's in Manitoba?

I think you're right about some of the "weirdos". And all the profiles are all so similar! You just know some of them are not being too honest. .
Click to expand...

Not a heck of a lot goes on in Manitoba, really... :)

It's true about so many profiles reading exactly the same... like 99.9% of the guys' profiles I read say they go to the gym. Really?!? REALLY??! All of you go to the gym, eh?? Must be a busy place. And, what's that? You don't want any drama or head games? WHO DOES?? Grrrrrrrrrrr... :D
...I looked at some girls' profiles in my area to check out my 'competition', and to get some ideas for my own profile. Not very original, nearly all list 'shopping' as an interest, more than half have pics of themselves totally blasted at the bar, and some of those profiles stating that they aren't easy, 'Why do guys keep messaging me thinking I'm easy'... UMMMMMMMMMM...

I really just don't understand people sometimes.
 
MsSickandTired said:
Not a heck of a lot goes on in Manitoba, really... :)

It's true about so many profiles reading exactly the same... like 99.9% of the guys' profiles I read say they go to the gym. Really?!? REALLY??! All of you go to the gym, eh?? Must be a busy place. And, what's that? You don't want any drama or head games? WHO DOES?? Grrrrrrrrrrr... :D
...I looked at some girls' profiles in my area to check out my 'competition', and to get some ideas for my own profile. Not very original, nearly all list 'shopping' as an interest, more than half have pics of themselves totally blasted at the bar, and some of those profiles stating that they aren't easy, 'Why do guys keep messaging me thinking I'm easy'... UMMMMMMMMMM...

I really just don't understand people sometimes.
Click to expand...

You understand people SOMETIMES? That puts you way ahead of ME!

I'm so embarrassed, she meant YOU'RE in Manitoba! :) Man, am I DUMB! :ybatty: I've never been to Winnipeg, but I have been to Toronto & Vancouver several times. My soon to be ex and I actually seriously looked into emigrating to Canada not long after we met. Seattle was as close as we could get!!! :(

The gym thing is great. And they've all read SOOO MANY BOOKS! Makes you wonder why the independent booksellers are all going down for the last time! :) Are there any who DON'T "work hard and play hard"? It really is a bit off-putting. The woman I talked to the other night was NOTHING like her "progressive, insightful, introspective" (to use her exact profile wording) press release! At the end of the hour and something conversation, there was this loooooong pause, where we both waited to see if the other was going to suggest further contact, and I just said, OK, bye bye! and hung up.

I know MBH was only kidding about the Manitoba to Seattle thing, but I have an older cousin who met a woman over some dating thing (not online, this was before match.com, etc.) in upstate New York when he was living in LA. They got married & have been for over 20 years. Their twin daughters just graduated high school.

Do you have a Facebook page? :)
 
kello82 said:
HAHAHA im so stupid sometimes, i totally missed over this line and gave you advice you were already doing lmao.

sorry!
Click to expand...

No big deal! :) There's a TON of these sites, do you have any favorites?
 
David in Seattle said:
You understand people SOMETIMES? That puts you way ahead of ME!

Do you have a Facebook page? :)
Click to expand...

Why, as a matter of fact, I do have a facebook page!! And, what's even cooler... is that I'm already your friend!! Here, let me get that for you...:ybatty:

Vancouver is beautiful, I've been there a couple of times and never wanted to leave... I've never been to Seattle but at least cool things come to mind when I hear the name... Coffee... Grunge... Giant Redwoods... (David...) what?!?... (looks around innocently).

I mean, what do people think of when they hear 'Winnipeg'?? If they even know where it is... Maybe mosquitoes, windchill, flatland... The Guess Who?! That's about it, man... that's about it. Actually, I am originally from Montreal, which is a FANTASTIC city... if you get the chance, you must see it. It's like Europe in North America.
 
MsSickandTired said:
Why, as a matter of fact, I do have a facebook page!! And, what's even cooler... is that I'm already your friend!! Here, let me get that for you...:ybatty:
Click to expand...

Ohhhh! You're THAT Sharon! Oh god I'm so DUMB! I guess I'll add "self absorbed and clueless" to my dating profile! :redface:

I think I can be somewhat forgiven though, since you don't have your actual picture on this site. I'll make it up to you by posting that album I promised :)

Seattle and Vancouver are quite similar. I often have thought Seattle is a lot like San Francisco in a many ways, the hills, the water, interesting little neighborhoods, progressive feel. If San Francisco and Vancouver had a child (I wonder which one would be the mother... ) it might be Seattle. If that's a weird enough concept for you.

I always wanted to go to Montreal. It's about the only major city in North America I haven't been to. As for Winnipeg, I remember as a little kid, I always thought the name sounded a bit like a lesser-known children's story, you know, like "Winnie the Pooh", only with a porcine central character? :) Huh? HUH???

OK I'll get on that album right now... :lol:
 
!! Oh! Yes, actually Winnie the Pooh was sort-of named after Winnipeg, if I remember correctly... Let Wikipedia explain:

"A.A Milne named the character Winnie-the-Pooh after a teddy bear owned by his son, Christopher Robin Milne.
Christopher Milne had named his toy bear after Winnie, an American black bear which he often saw at London Zoo. The bear cub was purchased from a hunter for $20 by Canadian Lieutenant Harry Colebourn in White River, Ontario, Canada, while en route to England during the First World War. He named the bear "Winnie" after his hometown Winnipeg, Manitoba. "Winnie" was surreptitiously brought to England with her owner, and gained unofficial recognition as The Fort Garry Horse regimental mascot."
 
dreamintwilight said:
I am enjoying the banter between you two immensely! ;)
Click to expand...
...ME TOO!

And, we all learned something... Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon bear who was named after a teddy bear, who was named after a REAL bear, who was named after the city I live in. :dog:

...just coming up on Track 6. :)
 
dreamintwilight said:
I think Sharon should show David around Montreal ;) ;) ;)
Click to expand...


Well, I WOULD need an interpreter... :biggrin:

I studied French in Jr. High a million years ago, all I remember how to say is "Where's the library?" (Ou est la bibliotheque?).

I always figured if nothing else, they'd have a French-English dictionary!

My French name in the class was "Edward"

Pronounced Aaaa-d-waaaard.

Ladies, isn't that sexy?

Say it after me: AAAAAA-D-WAAAAAARD. :ylol2: :ylol2: :ylol2:

And yes I know they speak English in Quebec as well but this is way more fun... :lol:
 
MsSickandTired said:
...ME TOO!

And, we all learned something... Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon bear who was named after a teddy bear, who was named after a REAL bear, who was named after the city I live in. :dog:

...just coming up on Track 6. :)
Click to expand...


Me Three!

I never knew that about Winnie the Pooh/Winnipeg connection. I guess I was on to something!

And speaking of Teddy Bears and names, I'm sure you all know the name "Teddy Bear" came from Theodore Roosevelt.

I hope you're enjoying the music, isn't "Cactus" (cut 2) bizarrely cool?
 
i am so confused!!!
so just get me up too speed someone. who is dating who and who is single here?
 
David in Seattle said:
Me Three!

I never knew that about Winnie the Pooh/Winnipeg connection. I guess I was on to something!

And speaking of Teddy Bears and names, I'm sure you all know the name "Teddy Bear" came from Theodore Roosevelt.

I hope you're enjoying the music, isn't "Cactus" (cut 2) bizarrely cool?
Click to expand...

I actually was not aware that the term "Teddy Bear" was related to Theodore Roosevelt! My mind has officially been blown.
 
David in Seattle said:
Well, I WOULD need an interpreter... :biggrin:

I studied French in Jr. High a million years ago, all I remember how to say is "Where's the library?" (Ou est la bibliotheque?).

I always figured if nothing else, they'd have a French-English dictionary!

And yes I know they speak English in Quebec as well but this is way more fun... :lol:
Click to expand...

Ahhh, oui, la bibliotheque est dans la piscine.

Hahaha, OK, I'm not fluently bilingual but I can certainly get by! Bring that dictionary just in case...
 
I met my fiancee online off Yahoo Personals. I don't know how the site is now, but back then it was fine. There were what seemed to be deceitful folks on both sides of the "dance floor" there (heard horror stories from some women), but as a guy, I suppose I can understand why one would put "I don't like mind games", only because they think that will prevent a woman from hurting them again. Nobody who "plays games" would admit it or acknowledge they have in the past, so it's kind of useless, you're right, but it comes from somewhere. I tried to meet up with a girl in person--before I met my fiancee--and she stood me up and she never returned any calls. Everything was "optimal" and she was head over heels the whole time till then, I believe I put the pieces together later and realized she wasn't really single. I'm sure both sides do such things, so I think although it sounds odd, stating they don't want to "play games", it comes from past pains and "betrayals".

I can't state why some of the women would put some of the things I saw, as I'm not one, but a lot of the guys were weirdos when I looked around me too. The women were a bit "off" as well a lot of the time, though (again, both sides of the dance floor, so to say). My friend did it a bit before me, and he went to the same gym as me, so I know he wasn't lying about being a gym goer (neither was I when I wrote it), but a lot of guys I could tell perhaps used to go to the gym at best, but there's no way they still did (at least to work out)...

The one thing I noticed women around here sometimes did (girls? they were mostly in their late teens/early 20's at the time, 6 years ago almost) was that they stated they were single and all, talked about all relationships in the past tense, but it turns out a good few were "shopping around"...I didn't look for and then talk with any guys online, so I can't say the guys were or weren't doing that too. But I can tell you I stumbled on some "taken" women who were on a dating site claiming they got out of a bad relationship recently (the truth came out later in chats or messages, in one form or another). Not cool for anybody to do. You should only be there if you mean it, not to toy with someone.

Just be yourself, as cliche and lame as it sounds, it's the only way anything will flourish. You can't put on an act and expect it to last. :)

btw, one of my groomsmen will be marrying a woman he met on Myspace in 2008, so, if there are connections, you could met someone. Best of luck.
 
Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon bear

No he isn't!!!!!! Dysney made him into a cartoon. He was a Teddy Bear belonging to Christopher Robin Milne!
 
BWS1982 said:
I met my fiancee online off Yahoo Personals. I don't know how the site is now, but back then it was fine. There were what seemed to be deceitful folks on both sides of the "dance floor"
Click to expand...

This is only my 2nd experience with this, having met my wife on match.com about 9 years ago, but I was only on there briefly before we connected (sadly). I think what you see at this point, what with the level of internet access that now exists, is probably a pretty good cross section of the mainstream population. I remember even 9 years ago, being a bit surprised at the number of people who seem to be on these things for years at a time, dating countless people. Sure, not everyone is interested in getting married, but I would think the vast majority of people (women in particular, whom I have read make up a slight majority on such sites) would prefer a relationship of at least SOME duration. It's just too exhausting otherwise. I mean, if all you want is to get laid, go to a bar. I'm sure you're right, there are probably at least as many male jackasses as females, though women may have a slight edge in "game playing", especially when it comes to "Come here Go away". In reality though, if there's one thing life has taught me, it's that humans are all pretty much the same; whatever characteristic or sorting you're talking about, there's usually more variance within any one group than there is between groups, so I'm sure men and women are just as good and as bad as each other in this situation as well.

So far, I've only put my picture on a site, with a 3 word "description" (the minimum) about a week ago. No long written profile. Between my health, dealing with a divorce which has not yet finalized, etc., I'd probably be better off to wait awhile longer before getting too involved. At this point, I would not want the person my wife turned out to be back in my life, at least not without a train load of sincere and insightful contrition on her part, but I do still miss her, even getting an unexpected twinge when I notice things like the same make/model/color of car she drove in traffic (not that it's her, she's left the state, just that it brings back memories). If someone especially appealing approaches me (like the woman I called seemed to be), I'll deal with it then.

You're right of course about "being yourself", I don't have any problem doing that, I'm just concerned that the other party isn't doing the same :lol:

Anyway, I'm glad things are working out for you and your groomsman friend!

Thanks for your thoughts.
 

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