Desperate....

[Dreamer]

Dear forum members, I always come to this site when there is no where else to turn to. My bf has been suffering with Crohn's for years and have never fully archived remission. This year has been one of the most difficult for him and unfortunately we live apart cause of school and can only see each other on holidays. I have been in my bed crying for days, I wake up with my eyes swollen. My heart is broken everyday seeing him go through this terrible disease and severe depression and when he turns to me, I get hurt when he expresses that I don't do enough and when he gets upset with me. I went to thereby, I started working out and eating good, I did everything under the sun to get out of the black hole I was in with no luck. I am so angry at my self, my family who doesn't understand and doesn't care and doesn't help, my friends who don't talk to me ever again and ignore me when they see me on the street cause I am such a "mood killer". My boyfriend told me that he thinks he is gonna die this year!!!! I am so beyond heart broken I can't be by his side and that I add to his problems with my selfish ways and my shut down mode when I get mad. Is this gonna get better ? how can I help him? How can I be better to him? How can I stop caring about myself right now on focus on him? When I can't be physically with him right now. He is the most amazing human being, and when I start crying, he is always supportive and loving. Why can't i do the same? Why this hurts so much? Why life is so unfair?

 

[Daisy123]

You are obviously struggling. You are not selfish. I always think it is more difficult for our loved ones than it is for ourselves. How are you meant to deal with someone telling you that they will die? Crohns is a chronic not a terminal illness. I suggest you seek some counselling. Look into support services at the school you are at.

 

[mish2575]

I agree. Councelling is great. it teaches you how to react, it forces you to step out of your box to see the bigger picture. If you can have someone teach you how to do these things it will allow you to help your boyfriend better.

Also, regardless of disease, when (most) men feel like crud they lash out to those closest to them. He is feeling so bad that he wants to make you feel bad - he doesn't realize that that just makes everything worse.

 

[DJW]

Sending you my support.

 

[Dreamer]

Thank you all for your kind replays. I have been going to counselling like members of this forum have previously suggested. The counslier wants me to go out and make friends. And I am thinking, is she really serious? All I want to learn is how to support my bf better, how to be kind and how to defeat my own demons and support him fully and love him unconditionally. Another counslier talked to me and made me feel like I am crazy and said that "it's not your fault he is sick, you can't make him feel better" blaming my bf for my current state of mind. I did everything I could to be better so he gets better but my efforts fail simply when we argue and he wants my support, I just shut down, I forget that he is really sick and I demand his love and support even if I was the wrong one. I did encouraged him to seek professional help for his depression but he refused saying that if he went to counselling, he wouldn't need me anymore

 

[mish2575]

I think what your current counselor is trying to tell you is that you are not good to him if you are not taking care of yourself first. There is absolutely no possible way for you to help him until you can be comfortable in your own skin.

And him relying on you instead of a counselor is not healthy for him, for you, or your relationship.

Relationships don't mean you forsake all other parts of your life for each other. That is not a healthy outlook.

Good luck hun. Please keep an open mind with what you are suggested by the counselor.