Went out for dinner the other night and had an incident I thought I would share. Lets just say it has to be laughter because otherwise it would have been crying.
Outback Jacks is a steakhouse of sorts. Massive feeds, followed by equally massive bill. Thats not the funny part.
Entree was crocodile and kangaroo skewers. Sounds non threatening, ok line me up for two of each thanks. We also had a serve of chicken wings with a marinade sauce on it with ratings starting from mild through to ring burner. Ok, that could be a problem but mild should be ok right? lets just say mild wasnt as mild as it could have been. Bit on the spicy side, but not ring burning material, afterall, we did only get the mild version.
Mains was a ribs and steak combo. With chips, and salad. No surprizes expected in there, sure I dont eat a lot of red meat because it takes forever to digest but I do eat it sometimes.
All was going down just fine, with a glass of bubbly, afterall its dinner out so why wouldnt you have a bubble or two to celebrate the non cookin or the non dishes doing??
Thats about when it occurs to me I hve to poop. No real drama, it wasnt a case of mmm do I need to poop? OMG I HAVE 30 seconds to make it to the loo or its gonna go bad type poop. Just a hmmmmm yeppers, thats a poopin needed. so I makes my way to the ladies, in no great hurry, all is fine. I makes my way into the stall and do my poopin business. No, all fine there. I wad up the loo paper and make the first downward swipe motion....and this is where it goes bad.
Somehow the wadded up loo paper shreds on the slightest touch of skin, but my hand doesnt register that and just keeps going with the downward wipin motion, with now no paper covering the hand. Heres me, in a public toilet, with my lovliest fine clothes dangling around my ankles and poop wiped all up my hand and wrist. In a public toilet....so waddlin from the stool with my pants round my ankles to the basin to wash my now poop covered arm isnt going to be happening. Pullin my pants back up one handed is beyond me and I aint touchin my lovely going out outfit with my poop covered hand. This is the moment I can either laugh or cry. So I am now laughing my ass off at my predicament. Have you ever tried to pull up your pants one handed? Your off hand too mind you, Im right handed but my right hand is now out of action so Im using my left hand to do the job, while laughing, while banging into the wall tryin not to get my poop covered hand on anything. I gets a fair way up the legs when it happens. You know that thing. Its happened to everyone. You think you are finished poopin you wipe up you zip up you flush and then you gots to go again, so you un zip and sit down again??? yeah, well thats now happened to me. So I drops everything again, and sits back down, still pissing myself laughing *lucky I was back to sitting down again hey???*
I re poops, but now Im faced with a real problem. One hand is already covered in poop from the malfunctioning toilet paper, and i gotta wipe again with the same malfunctioning toilet paper????????
This situation has gone on now for over half an hour, and by now my dinner dining friends have noticed I have not returned. However, my dinner dining friends are also well aware of my crohns so no one has sent out a search party yet. Im gonna have to wait it out til one of em needs to go.
Damn my dinner dining friends can hold on for ages
Surely the bubbly drinking they are doing means at least one of em has to pee soon??
Why cant I have bulimic friends who have to purge after eating?? *no offence to any sufferers intended but I must admit given my situation one of you could have been handy to have around at that time*
Finally my daughter has been dispatched to find out if I require dessert because my dinner dining friends have decided they could go a little fried mars bar or two, should they get me something or what?
My beautiful daughter comes in....mummy do you want dessert? mummy stop laughing, whats so funny?
I send her out to the table to collect up every napkin she can find and bring it back to me, wetting some on the way through, I tidy up my hand, tidy up the downstairs, get my pants up, make it to the basin, wash thoroughly. Wash the mascara that is now plastered all over my face because while I was laughing i was actually crying along with it and now I look like a clown who failed make up class.
head back to the table eat me some friend mars bar and tell the establishment there meal was great, the service was awesome, but their loo paper was shit.
Outback Jacks is a steakhouse of sorts. Massive feeds, followed by equally massive bill. Thats not the funny part.
Entree was crocodile and kangaroo skewers. Sounds non threatening, ok line me up for two of each thanks. We also had a serve of chicken wings with a marinade sauce on it with ratings starting from mild through to ring burner. Ok, that could be a problem but mild should be ok right? lets just say mild wasnt as mild as it could have been. Bit on the spicy side, but not ring burning material, afterall, we did only get the mild version.
Mains was a ribs and steak combo. With chips, and salad. No surprizes expected in there, sure I dont eat a lot of red meat because it takes forever to digest but I do eat it sometimes.
All was going down just fine, with a glass of bubbly, afterall its dinner out so why wouldnt you have a bubble or two to celebrate the non cookin or the non dishes doing??
Thats about when it occurs to me I hve to poop. No real drama, it wasnt a case of mmm do I need to poop? OMG I HAVE 30 seconds to make it to the loo or its gonna go bad type poop. Just a hmmmmm yeppers, thats a poopin needed. so I makes my way to the ladies, in no great hurry, all is fine. I makes my way into the stall and do my poopin business. No, all fine there. I wad up the loo paper and make the first downward swipe motion....and this is where it goes bad.
Somehow the wadded up loo paper shreds on the slightest touch of skin, but my hand doesnt register that and just keeps going with the downward wipin motion, with now no paper covering the hand. Heres me, in a public toilet, with my lovliest fine clothes dangling around my ankles and poop wiped all up my hand and wrist. In a public toilet....so waddlin from the stool with my pants round my ankles to the basin to wash my now poop covered arm isnt going to be happening. Pullin my pants back up one handed is beyond me and I aint touchin my lovely going out outfit with my poop covered hand. This is the moment I can either laugh or cry. So I am now laughing my ass off at my predicament. Have you ever tried to pull up your pants one handed? Your off hand too mind you, Im right handed but my right hand is now out of action so Im using my left hand to do the job, while laughing, while banging into the wall tryin not to get my poop covered hand on anything. I gets a fair way up the legs when it happens. You know that thing. Its happened to everyone. You think you are finished poopin you wipe up you zip up you flush and then you gots to go again, so you un zip and sit down again??? yeah, well thats now happened to me. So I drops everything again, and sits back down, still pissing myself laughing *lucky I was back to sitting down again hey???*
I re poops, but now Im faced with a real problem. One hand is already covered in poop from the malfunctioning toilet paper, and i gotta wipe again with the same malfunctioning toilet paper????????
This situation has gone on now for over half an hour, and by now my dinner dining friends have noticed I have not returned. However, my dinner dining friends are also well aware of my crohns so no one has sent out a search party yet. Im gonna have to wait it out til one of em needs to go.
Damn my dinner dining friends can hold on for ages
Surely the bubbly drinking they are doing means at least one of em has to pee soon??
Why cant I have bulimic friends who have to purge after eating?? *no offence to any sufferers intended but I must admit given my situation one of you could have been handy to have around at that time*
Finally my daughter has been dispatched to find out if I require dessert because my dinner dining friends have decided they could go a little fried mars bar or two, should they get me something or what?
My beautiful daughter comes in....mummy do you want dessert? mummy stop laughing, whats so funny?
I send her out to the table to collect up every napkin she can find and bring it back to me, wetting some on the way through, I tidy up my hand, tidy up the downstairs, get my pants up, make it to the basin, wash thoroughly. Wash the mascara that is now plastered all over my face because while I was laughing i was actually crying along with it and now I look like a clown who failed make up class.
head back to the table eat me some friend mars bar and tell the establishment there meal was great, the service was awesome, but their loo paper was shit.
I have to leave the house at 10am to get there.:ybatty: I have yet to find the port-a-potty in my van.:yfaint:
