Do you feel guilty?

[sawdust]

I don't feel guilty that I'm sick or have a disease, but I often feel guilty about how my illness affects others. In fact, I push myself hard everyday to try to avoid that guilt. Sometimes I affect people's schedules or planned menu, sometimes I have to take time off work, sometimes I crash with no energy and have no option but to sleep, and sometimes I'm unreliable. I make every effort to avoid these, but on occasion, I just can't do it and it makes me feel, well, guilty about it.

Do you feel this way? And have you found that people understand if you tell them this?

 

[Astra]

Hiya sawdust

No, I don't feel guilty anymore, if people don't/won't understand then they can take a running jump into the nearest river!
As regards to work, I wrote a memo, stuck it in the staffroom, everyone read it, and was very sympathetic.
xxx

 

[Rebecca85]

Oh yes, I feel guilty at times! I have recently reduced my hours at work (and the head told everyone it was for 'health reasons') and every single person came to me saying 'why's that then?'. I tried to explain the fatigue I go through, and how it was making me so stressed and I was picking up every bug going. But almost everyone seems to think I'm a whinger! And that everyone gets tired and ill and you should just keep going. But now I tell myself, their opinions don't matter, they don't even work alongside me. The people who do work alongside me have been very understanding, they've even apologised for giving me too much work to do! And their opinions mean more to me than people who don't even know me.

As for family and friends, I am lucky to have such a great support group, if I do have to cancel something (which is rare) they know that I can't help it, and I wouldn't cancel unless I was really ill.

 

[StarGirrrrl]

I find the guilt of being a burden (as I see it) on my family, very hard to deal with, despite reassurances I am not, because I am!]

Life would be/would have been much easier and comfortable for my Mum if I was well enough to work, even if I had by this age moved out.

 

[Domsmom]

I feel the most guilty when it comes to my husband and children. When I don't have to energy to be the wife and mom that I want to be (not necessarily that they expect), when I'm in the middle of doing something fun or important with them and I need to run to the bathroom, when a baby starts screaming while I'm on the toilet. It's hard, but I hope that it just makes us all stronger people.

 

[chrisnsteph1022]

I feel guilty when my husband has to pick up the slack at home. I feel guilty that I miss quality time with my kids because all I want to do is lay down with my heating pad. I feel guilty for missing time at work here and there. So yeah, I have a lot of guilt about how my disease affects everyone around me.

 

[effdee]

I rarely feel guilt in any situation, let alone when I'm in a flare. You're supposed to feel guilty about things you did wrong that were in your control, which is very different from being chronically ill. It's not like there's anything I can do about it that I'm not trying. Everyone involved feels bad enough as it is, so why make it worse? Rather than focus on that, I like to be more thankful for any help I get. That might sound a bit selfish, but this mentality helps me deal with everything.

 

[Astra]

Well said Effdee,
couldn't have put it better myself!

 

[Jennifer]

No, I never feel guilty. Stress is a HUGE problem with IBD and guilt is unneeded stress. You've done NOTHING wrong to feel guilty for in the first place. If you aren't having symptoms and you use your Crohns as an excuse, then you can feel guilty.

 

[ameslouise]

Effdee - Brilliant!

I only feel guilty about never feeling like having sex. But other than that, I don't feel guilty about a damn thing. Not my fault I'm sick. But I am lucky - I have an extremely understanding husband, family, in-laws, parents, etc. It helps to work for my husband, too. I pretty much come and go as I please.

 

[sawdust]

This is all what I needed. Thank you. Deep down I guess I know these things, but a little perspective goes a long way. And I do really like the idea of outwardly appreciating those close to me. I already do, but it's energy better spent than worrying that they're left down or disappointed.

If you aren't having symptoms and you use your Crohns as an excuse, then you can feel guilty.

For someone who is overconscientious about letting people down as it is, we'd have to make a new term for the kind of guilt this would cause. :ybatty:

 

[SS410]

I do know that as a spouse, my husband has expressed his guilt over not feeling like having sex. Other than that, his only other guilt about not being able to help with day to day tasks is with our dogs. He can't walk them and take them out much anymore.
As a spouse, I feel like I should be here to support him. I'm not here to make him feel guilty about something that I know he is not able to control.

 

[AndiGirl]

I feel some guilt when it comes to my husband and children. I've learned not to feel guilty with my friends or in the workplace. I can't help that I have this disease. I don't fault people with other disease, and therefore feel that I deserve the same courtesy.

 

[Nytefyre]

You know, I'd like to say that the only guilt I have deals with my family, but that is not true. I have pushed so many friends away. My old best friend keeps on contacting me. She has my phone number so she sends me texts. She will occasionally call or send an email. I canceled my Facebook with lots of old friends on it which prompted another call from her. She has been so concerned about me and my life, and all I can do is avoid her. I want to pick up the phone when she calls. I want to send a text or an email. But I'm blocked, and I've isolated myself...well, I could go on and on.

I feel very badly, very shameful, and very guilty over the way I've handled past friendships. I've burned almost every bridge I built.

This could probably apply to most of my relationships.

 

[Jennifer]

Best thing about bridges though is that they can be rebuilt. Are you doing any sort of counseling Nytefyre?

 

[DustyKat]

Hi sawdust, :bigwave:

This is how I feel about the people in my life affected by IBD -

http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthread.php?t=12000

I hope and pray that you all have people in your lives that feel that way, as I said, I wouldn't have it any other way. In a way it breaks my heart when my kids apologise for something they can't manage or thank me for doing something for them when they can't do it for themselves. I know full well it was possible they would do it and I hope they don't feel guilty about something that they have no control over.

Dusty. :hug:

 

[JynxGirl]

I was raised by my Irish Catholic grandmother... so yeah, I feel guilty... all the time.
I feel guilty when I don't clean my house, or when my daughter watches videos all afternoon instead of playing with me. I feel guilty when I spend hours in the bathroom or when I have to go to the hospital...
Heck, I feel guilty when I throw up at the hospital and miss the bathroom or the bucket in my lap or even just for annoying the nurses.
I'm not sure how to deal with this or even if it's something I can overcome, but you're not alone in feeling guilty.

 

[littlemissh]

I feel guilty all the time. Guilty about missed holidays, not being able to go swimming, cycling, walking with my family which are our favourite past times. Guilt about not being able to eat with them, about them worrying about me, and being a miserable old witch with pred mood swings.
Also about work. I even feel guilty about coming on here wingeing even though it gives me something to do. I think it is because I fel lazy as I haven't got the energy to do things that I always did before. I wasn't a sedate type of person and still in my head I'm not.
I guess i need to work on my guilt. It will probably get better as I do and get used to the diagnosis and all it entails. )

 

[Nytefyre]

Best thing about bridges though is that they can be rebuilt. Are you doing any sort of counseling Nytefyre?

Ugh!!! I hate that word!:voodoo:


Hahaha! Yes, I have a pdoc and tdoc who are very helpful!
Thanks for the kind words.:blush:

 

[Guest]

yes i feel guilty. i carry it around like an unwanted piece of luggage... i know it's not my fault the way my health has been, and how it's affected those around me... but i can't help it.

my kids are going to forever remember the phrase "we can't.... because mum doesn't feel well".. and i hate that

 

[partlycloudy]

Do you feel this way? And have you found that people understand if you tell them this?

I do feel guilty about some things. I'm tired a lot so the housework suffers. Hubs is very understanding and easygoing though. But I put a lot of pressure on myself. I'm a housewife so see it as my job and feel I'm not doing a very good job of my job.

However, if there is one thing Crohn's teaches you is that it's in control. So I'm working hard on not feeling guilty. I do, in fact, do my best with what I've been given.

And honestly a lot of times I just don't even have the energy to feel guilty. That's pretty bad, lol.

I've found everyone understands if I explain things.

 

[Rebecca85]

No, I never feel guilty. Stress is a HUGE problem with IBD and guilt is unneeded stress. You've done NOTHING wrong to feel guilty for in the first place. If you aren't having symptoms and you use your Crohns as an excuse, then you can feel guilty.

I confess, I did this once...

Before I was diagnosed, I was very ill every evening with terrible pains and vomiting. My boyfriend was supposed to have a friend over one evening, but cancelled because we thought I had a stomach bug at that point. I overheard by boyfriend talking to his friend, the friend thought Mark was making it up.

The next day I felt better, so the friend came to stay over. That night I became ill again, to the point where I physically couldn't lie down to go to bed. The friend ended up traipsing round emergency rooms and hospitals with us!

So next time my boyfriend didn't want to meet up with his friend, he used me as an excuse, we figured it was payback for not believing us before!

 

[Pirate]

I use to feel guilty. Mainly when our boys were growing up. I couldn't go out and play ball with them or do any of the things dads should do. I missed school functions, ball games, family get togethers. The same as everyone here has.
Now I don't feel guilty at all because I didn't just out of the blue make up this disease. I didn't make my self sick to the point that I lost 45 lbs just because I wanted to. I didn't lay down in a ball in so much pain that I cried. I didn't make myself lose so much blood that I had to have 4 units forced into me before my heart stopped.
I have nothing to feel guilty about other than the effect it had on my 3 boys growing up.
Its my Crohns disease whether I or anyone else likes it or not. I have it and I have learned how to deal with it over the last 25 yrs. Never feel guilty over something you don't have complete control over. We were destined to live with it and we can't change that, so never feel guilty. Use your experiances to help others that are just being diagnosed.
Okay I'm done, stepping down from my soapbox.

 

[Manimation]

Admittedly yes. And I've been very up and down for the last 6 months. This is my first time having a flareup while having a girlfriend I love very very much live with me. Seeing me sick and depressed and mentally and emotionally chaotic takes a toll on her after a while. I'm just tired of being so up and down and aint exactly a ray of sunshine when I'm sick.

Just working on getting better and learning to deal with the emotional side of things, since I only started acknowledging my emotional self recently and am still learning how to deal with emotions. This shits stressful when yer not completely detached!

 

[Nytefyre]

Admittedly yes. And I've been very up and down for the last 6 months. This is my first time having a flareup while having a girlfriend I love very very much live with me. Seeing me sick and depressed and mentally and emotionally chaotic takes a toll on her after a while. I'm just tired of being so up and down and aint exactly a ray of sunshine when I'm sick.

Just working on getting better and learning to deal with the emotional side of things, since I only started acknowledging my emotional self recently and am still learning how to deal with emotions. This shits stressful when yer not completely detached!

!HIGH-FIVE! on just about everything you wrote! Especially the last sentence!