- Joined
- May 27, 2009
- Messages
- 1,035
Many of you who know me are aware that I have had a tough time of late. Unhealthy, Undiagnosed, Unemployed, Anxious,Angry, Depressed and quite honestly have had some very dark thoughts about whether or not I was going to continue my stay on this earth.
Yesterday, a great deal of that changed in one of the most amazingly spiritual experiences of my entire life. I have always had a connection with the ocean and it has been a source of solace and healing for me.
I had a pretty rough day, pain-wise, and relationship-wise as we were both not feeling well and have been a bit overwhelmed by the big feces burger that had become the daily source of sustenance :::sarcasm:::
Ok, point being, I have been very overwhelmed and had definitely hit rock bottom again...
I was not sleeping so left my home to drive to the beach-not really knowing what my intentions were, not sure if I would be driving home or not.
I drove past the private academy, where the children of rich and beautiful people ::sarcasm- read wealthy:::: Arrived at the water front in the same black self deprecating mind set. I look around the gourgeous coast and even cursed the people who could afford the beachfront properties and drive the BMW's and the Yacht. I proceeded in my own very unique way to curse the almighty, the rich, and just wondered how I could be so tremendously successful at frikkin' things up. Felt my pain start to spike and got up out of the car chastising myself for not at least getting out of the car and walking to the water.
I sat on the edge of the water and just silently cried and felt the morning wind brush the tears back hard through the little hair i have remaining on the sides of my head. I implored any version of a god or even a damned student intern from somewhere in the universe to either take me and end what has become a pathetic existence or to at least give me some sign that I had a puncher's chance of pulling myself up off the canvas and WANTING TO FIGHT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY.
Actually dejected that the clouds didn't just part like a scene from a Monty Python movie "I'm averting my eyes oh lord". I stood up still wearing the angry, unloved, self-loathing countenance and began to just walk the length of the sea wall and it happened!
It actually happened, I felt kind of a tug/pull to start walking in a different direction. I walked just three steps found my needed boot in the ass from a power greater than I.
There was a bouquet of roses 5 of them -four were white and one was red. It had quite obviously been beaten to shore by the surf and was covered in sea foam, the ribbon still holding things together but very tattered and worn.
I dropped to my knees and just cried uncontrollably for what seemed like forever. This was no random coincidence but a very dear friend on this forum suggested I had some type of guardian angel with me trying to help me see some hope.
The symbolism and intensity of this moment was very clear to me. In fact, it may very well be the most lucid moment of my life. The red rose was my wife, the four white one's my four children, and lastly the tattered ribbon was me, all beat up but holding the love and innocence of my family together.
the reality of the situation was that someone, another soul in pain saying goodbye to someone they loved and tossing the flowers overboard. This was the 2 by 4 across the forehead that I needed. My roses need me to keep them safe and cared for, I need to live regardless of all else to be the ribbon.
My own pain is and should be secondary to being around to reassure, shelter from pain and to just hold them tight in both sad and joyous times. To be there to be the brightness that clears any darkness or depression that they may ever feel.
Thank you to all who take the time needed to read this novella, and thanks so very very much to my friend who held me tight with her wisdom and compassion.
Jerry
Yesterday, a great deal of that changed in one of the most amazingly spiritual experiences of my entire life. I have always had a connection with the ocean and it has been a source of solace and healing for me.
I had a pretty rough day, pain-wise, and relationship-wise as we were both not feeling well and have been a bit overwhelmed by the big feces burger that had become the daily source of sustenance :::sarcasm:::
Ok, point being, I have been very overwhelmed and had definitely hit rock bottom again...
I was not sleeping so left my home to drive to the beach-not really knowing what my intentions were, not sure if I would be driving home or not.
I drove past the private academy, where the children of rich and beautiful people ::sarcasm- read wealthy:::: Arrived at the water front in the same black self deprecating mind set. I look around the gourgeous coast and even cursed the people who could afford the beachfront properties and drive the BMW's and the Yacht. I proceeded in my own very unique way to curse the almighty, the rich, and just wondered how I could be so tremendously successful at frikkin' things up. Felt my pain start to spike and got up out of the car chastising myself for not at least getting out of the car and walking to the water.
I sat on the edge of the water and just silently cried and felt the morning wind brush the tears back hard through the little hair i have remaining on the sides of my head. I implored any version of a god or even a damned student intern from somewhere in the universe to either take me and end what has become a pathetic existence or to at least give me some sign that I had a puncher's chance of pulling myself up off the canvas and WANTING TO FIGHT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY.
Actually dejected that the clouds didn't just part like a scene from a Monty Python movie "I'm averting my eyes oh lord". I stood up still wearing the angry, unloved, self-loathing countenance and began to just walk the length of the sea wall and it happened!
It actually happened, I felt kind of a tug/pull to start walking in a different direction. I walked just three steps found my needed boot in the ass from a power greater than I.
There was a bouquet of roses 5 of them -four were white and one was red. It had quite obviously been beaten to shore by the surf and was covered in sea foam, the ribbon still holding things together but very tattered and worn.
I dropped to my knees and just cried uncontrollably for what seemed like forever. This was no random coincidence but a very dear friend on this forum suggested I had some type of guardian angel with me trying to help me see some hope.
The symbolism and intensity of this moment was very clear to me. In fact, it may very well be the most lucid moment of my life. The red rose was my wife, the four white one's my four children, and lastly the tattered ribbon was me, all beat up but holding the love and innocence of my family together.
the reality of the situation was that someone, another soul in pain saying goodbye to someone they loved and tossing the flowers overboard. This was the 2 by 4 across the forehead that I needed. My roses need me to keep them safe and cared for, I need to live regardless of all else to be the ribbon.
My own pain is and should be secondary to being around to reassure, shelter from pain and to just hold them tight in both sad and joyous times. To be there to be the brightness that clears any darkness or depression that they may ever feel.
Thank you to all who take the time needed to read this novella, and thanks so very very much to my friend who held me tight with her wisdom and compassion.
Jerry
