Feeling Blue- Long

[AndiGirl]

I feel as though I've been venting a lot lately. I apologize if I sound very negative. Today is a hard day for me in general. Five years ago, I lost my first baby girl at five months. It was hard enough, but to make matters worse, her due date was my birthday. How special is that?

It's ironic that my little Elizabeth's due date was originally March 11, when I had lost the first little girl. Little Beth was born on the morning of March 6, 2010. What a special and loved baby. The joy that Scott and I felt. That night and for about a week afterward, my hormones crashed and I felt very sad and would cry at the drop of a hat. The baby blues hit. I knew what it was caused by, but I couldn't stop the crying. I called my mother only to have her say, "Stop acting crazy. You have a beautiful, healthy baby just what you wanted. There is no need to cry and start losing it. I'm sorry, I just can't relate." I received similar responses from my sisters. My mother-in-law was staying with us and helping out as Alex was still very young himself. I decided to ask her about the baby blues. The response that I received from her was every bit as cold and uncaring as the ones that I received from my family. She said with no emotion at all, "I never had it. I was always too busy to be depressed. Nope, can't relate." For a few days I would cry by myself in the bedroom, or while I took a bath. Scott tried to be supportive, but he's a man, so he really couldn't relate. The sadness and crying that I experienced for about a week and a half was awful. Once my hormones went back to normal, I felt like myself again. I was truly enjoying my babies, and life looked good again. I could never treat any woman going through the baby blues the way that I've been treated.

Scott told me that his mother is coming to visit the beginning on April and she is going to stay until June. His mother is a good woman, and she did do a good job in raising both of her sons. I can give her that credit and I do try to respect her and treat her with kindness. The problem is, I don't think she feels the same way about and toward me. I have received so many rude comments from her throughout my marriage to Scott. After having Beth, she left all the cleaning up to me, even after I had the baby because she didn't want Scott and I to take advantage of her. In her mind, she was the guest and didn't need to help out. I am normally a very neat person, but I was recovering from child birth, and dealing with the baby blues for a while. She has made comments of how pretty other women, even in my own family are, while in my company. This happened several times. It almost makes me wonder if she's thinking, "Why did Scott have to marry a homely girl like you? She has patted my bottom before and said, "I think you could stand to lose a little weight. I think you'll feel better about yourself." I didn't think I was fat, but that comment had me wondering. I grew up with parents who pointed out my weight every chance they got, until I lost weight from the Crohn's. I'll admit that I am built more like Mother Earth than Olive Oil. LOL!

Scott works long hours at night. I will be the one stuck with my MIL. I do try to be a nice and gracious daughter-in-law and hostess, but I really feel like she doesn't like me. I am so not looking forward to the visit that is coming up. She couldn't have chosen a worse time either. After spring break which officially ends today, as I go back to work on Monday; we will not have any more breaks until the end of the school year. April and May are nice in Anchorage. The snow is melted and it's warm outside. The students have spring/summer fever big time and are ready for the end. I will have to close out my classroom also. So much work!

Some of you may have read my posts in another thread. I have been having difficulty with my family. My relationship with my father and a sister are hard. I think the only reason why I get along with my mother is I know how to keep her happy. I do consider myself to be a good Christian, so cutting my family off, or retaliating is definitely not in my nature. I guess I'm just learning how to deal with a lot of hurt and misunderstandings.

I have been trying for a while now, and it isn't easy. Just when I think things are going fine, somebody has to open their mouth and say something stupid or thoughtless. My father is the king of that and my mother and a sister is not far behind. The last time my parents were visiting, my mother wanted to order some food for delivery. That was nice as it saved me some cooking time. I couldn't find our phone book. My father was getting impatient for me to get it. I finally told him that we didn't have one. I had remembered that Alex spilled water all over it. I'm sensitive to mold, so rather than let it dry, I threw it out. My dad practically yelled, "You don't have a phone book! What's wrong with you guys?" I tried to lighten things up by saying, "Okay dad, we're a bunch of hillbillies." Didn't work. My father used his I-Touch to look up the number. Oh my gosh!

That incident just brought everything out for me. I am sick of being treated like a stupid girl. Nothing I do is ever good enough. My mother makes comments all the time like, "Beth's feet are cold, you are dressing her appropriately. I can't believe you let your dog on the furniture. Beth is such a good baby. Clearly making reference that I wasn't a good baby." Add that to the fact that my mother is never satisfied. She is ambitious and so is my father. My dad is a supervisor with the Federal Aviation Administration. His position on the US Government scale is that of a General in the Army. When he travels, he stays in General's quarters. He went from a nineteen year-old, fisherman's son, marrying young; to college degree and working his way to the top in his field with the Government. He is doing quite well and has been for a while. My mother is always looking at what others have and comparing our family with others. She is very disappointed that my brother and I are not doing better. I feel like I can't have or do anything without my mother giving me advice or trying to change things so that it looks better from the outside. She is so focused on being the Joneses (not my maiden name). Both of my parents are very frugal. I can understand that as they both grew without much. They pay off their credit cards each month. Whenever mom suggests something that is out of our price range, I remind her of our budget. She then says, "Well, your dad and I can't afford much either." I hate that more than anything! I never hint or ask her to buy us anything. She and dad chose not to ring up large balances on their credit cards. I really admire that in them. She is really being thoughtless because Scott and I make nowhere near what my father makes. We do have debt that we are paying off. She doesn't realize how hurtful those money comments can be.

A couple of visits ago, Alex wasn't listening and my father yelled at him. I thought it was over the top. Alex is only two, and he is still learning appropriate behavior. Alex got scared and started crying. As I was comforting him, I told my dad, "That was too much. He's still very little, and you really scared him." Dad didn't apologize but he said, "I only did it, so he would stop and not want to do it again." I know all too well from my own experiences. My father is of the old school. He demanded instant obedience from us when we were growing up. He wasn't abusive, but he was very strict and didn't tolerate misbehavior. He had no trouble laying down the law with any of us. We are all grown and still get scolded from time to time by him.

I guess I just needed to get this out as I am having a hard month emotionally. I feel alone here. I work hard at school, come home and work some more. I feel like I have to agree with them on everything from religion, politics, child rearing, etc. if I want to keep the peace. I'm sick of my mother's negativity and keeping up the facade. I wish my father would just talk nice with and to me. I feel like he's always barking orders or lecturing me about something. I've learned a long time ago that he is not a warm, fuzzy person. I quit wishing for that. The stupid phone book incident brought back a lot of memories. After graduation, I lived at home for a while because of financial reasons. I've always considered myself to be a mild-mannered and respectful person. While I was living at home he had to know what I was up to in the evenings or on the weekends. I was not a wild, party type either. He commented about what I ate and how much. If we disagreed about anything he was always quick to say, "I don't need to give you a reason. It's my house. Don't you speak to me that way." After several arguments when I was trying to explain something he would get upset and say, "Just go to your room." I quit trying to reason with him. I learned to stay out of his way.

I guess I wanted some advice from those who have been in similar situations. There are times when I would really like to divorce my family, including Scott's mom. Then I think, "What would Jesus do?" They are my family and I want to have a good relationship with them. All the tension and negativity really does affect my Crohn's Disease. I usually have a flare-up after visit from my MIL. What should I try? I want to have love and harmony in my family. I also don't want to become engulfed in negativity. My health can't take it. Thanks for listening. Crying . . .

 

[margie]

Andi,
I am so sorry that you are having so many family problems. Certainly isn't helping your health at all. I do know what it is like to live in a very unhappy unhealthy situation. I, too, have been there. My parents and family didn't understand what I had gone through with my ex, when I was married to him. Very hard situation, when your family doesn't agree with you or understand what you go through behind those closed doors. They told me that because I am Catholic that I needed to turn to God to give me the strength to work things out with him and that divorce is against the religion. When I told them that I had filed for a divorce, all they could say was to pray for guidance. The prayers to God helped me make the decision to leave him. It was the only thing that I could do, if I wanted to live my life the way that God wanted me to live.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but the way that you are living and the added stress is not healthy for you. You need to love and be loved in order to live and not just exist.

Please know that you are not alone in that either, I wrote my first book in regards to abuse and my life in my marriage. All anonymous as I didn't really want anyone close to me to know about the book. I wrote it more for strangers going through abuse and more importantly myself to try and get through that part of my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and please don't ever feel that you need to apologize for venting with all of us. I am here with a shoulder for you to cry on anytime that you need to talk.

Big Hug

Margie

 

[DustyKat]

Oh my Andi, I don't really know what to say..........

What a sad, sad day for you. I have never lost a baby and I can only begin to imagine the grief and heartache. I can never understand people that think losing a baby pre term is somehow less traumatic than at any other time. My heart goes out to you hun. :hug::hug::hug:

I am not a religious person Andi but I do think I am kind and compassionate. Of course you would know the saying, you can choose your friends but not your relatives, and this certainly applies in your case. In an attempt to keep the peace we allow our families far more latitude than we would ever dream of giving someone else. I think there comes a point in time though where your own *family* comes before all else. I don't mean to imply that you don't put your husband and children first but rather you can only take so much before it impacts your health and happiness, and to another saying, if Mum isn't happy, no one is happy.

I don't really know what to advise because you are such a caring and compassionate lady. If it were me I would tell my parents if they don't like what they see then they are free to leave at any time and I would probably say to my Dad, my house, my rules now, like it or lump it. I haven't had the issues you are dealing with Andi but I certainly have had my issues in the past. I am probably way off the mark but I think while ever you say nothing it isn't going to change but of course you know you will run the risk of alienating them if you do. I had a major issue with my MIL years ago over my kids and I was so angry about it that quite frankly I couldn't have given a **** if she never came near the kids again. I had my say and stood firm and before long the dust settled and she knew where I stood about certain things and didn't broach it again.

I don't know Andi, does there come a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and make some tough decisions no matter how unsavoury? (((shrug))). But at some point you are going to have to put your health and happiness above the feelings and opinions of other family members. The peace juggling act is just too hard to keep going for any length of time, far better to plough that energy into the people that you live for.

I have probably been no help to you at all! and I certainly hope I haven't made things worse!

Sending you loads of love and squishy hugs......:hug::hug::hug:

Wish I could be there with you right now, :kiss:
Dusty

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you, Margie. I'm sorry to hear about your relationships in the past.

I am the worlds biggest worrier and second guesser. Now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. I guess I need an outside opinion. My parents and sister all have their wonderful sides also. I know my parents love me, they just have their own weird quirks. My parents really do love their grandchildren, and are more understanding and patient with them, than they were with us.

My father is especially good with babies. He has always been. He knows how to burp, rock, and soothe them as good or better than any mom. He cuddles and plays with them. I think once they start becoming willful that's when he turns back into Mr. No-nonsense. Oh the teenage years were hard in my house. My brother seemed to have it the easiest. I love my brother, but he did some bad things (partying and staying out late). Dad must have thought he was just being a boy. He got into trouble with dad, but usually for different reasons. Dad monitored my sisters and I like a secret agent.

My mother worked very hard, even from a young age. She said that there was a lot of tension in her home. I know she wants her kids to have a good life. I think that we do. I'm not as caught up on trying to keep up with the Joneses. Sometimes I wish I could tell, that most of what she says is negative: something is wrong, finding fault in things and people, being overly critical. The sister I don't get along with is following the same path. I personally learned a long time ago, to be grateful for what I have. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Sometimes my dad will do the nicest things. On Christmas, he slipped me some money and said, "It's for you, go treat yourself." Probably some of the nicest things that he's done have been little things: smiling at me, giving me a surprise hug or kiss (my father doesn't seem to smile often, and unless you're my mother or a baby, he isn't affectionate). I wish that I had more of those moments when I really need them.

I just read your post, Dusty. Thank you, with tears in my eyes. You are compassionate. I appreciate the kindness that you've shown me.

 

[Astra]

Dear Andi

I don't know what to advise neither, but I only know what I'd do, not what Jesus would!
I come first, me and 'my' family, not my sister's or my in laws.
It doesn't matter what happened in the past, just what's happening now in the present, and that is, you're unhappy.
You need Scotts support and back up re MIL, without being critical you need to tell him that some things she says is upsetting you, each of you need to take control of your marriage and decisions that you make by putting it first, and birth family next, by protecting it from your birth families. If Scott won't handle his mother then you'll never solve the problem. He needs to take charge and set out clear boundries over which she mustn't step, and be willing to follow up his statements with consequences. You'll never be able to change their relationship, but he needs to take charge.
And she'll never change, so keep your distance, be nice but don't let her reel you in, just so it gives her chance to back stab you. Before she arrives, think of all the scenarios that wind you up, once you determine those triggers, think about how you can avoid them. But if conflict is impossible respond honestly, don't let the fear of hurting her feelings stop you from responding appropriately, she's not bothered about your feelings and continues to dis you.
I hope you can remain assertive and set some boundries. A relationship that makes you feel violated isn't healthy. If MIL uses guilt as a tool of manipulation, you need to put a stop to it, this will allow you to feel more objective and compassionate knowing that she uses this weapon of guilt because she's powerless! You need to be in control.
These apply to your parents and sister, by taking control and setting boundries, this is your marriage, your life, your children, and you need to vocalise your independence and let them know that, and gaining back your confidence or this problem will never be solved.
I wish you lots of luck, I know all about this, I have a nasty sister who I keep at arm's length. I had a strict father and I never lived up to his expectations, he never felt proud of me, I only regained all that self confidence once he was dead. If he was alive today he would be proud of what I've achieved and done with my life. I've let that go now, what's done is done, I don't dwell on the past, it's so over.
Set some boundries Andi, take control and talk to Scott.
good luck and remember we're here for you
Joan xxxx

 

[JetWhite]

Hi Andi

I am so sorry to hear how low you are feeling but I think you are right to discuss it :ghug:
I can relate to quite a bit of what you say but my circumstances are different in that there is no longer any really need for me to 'try to keep everyone happy'.

I think you should consider these things :

Do those people, family and in-laws, treat others in this 'bullying type' way?
Do you think that part of you lets them because you are actually too hard on yourself?
Do you think it hurts so much because you are too prepared to pay heed to what they say?
Are you scared of what they might say if you actually disagree/answer back?

If you can relate to those question I think that you should perhaps talk to your husband and/or your friends. Remember, we chose our friends, not our family. There is nothing in the world that says we have to get on with those individuals who make up our families, we just do because we love them and/or just want to make life easier

Now, don't just talk to your friends ( including your husband) rally them. Assert that you are good at this or that and "so what" if you don't do something this way, what you do works for you and your family.
Having made you recognise that there is nothing wrong with you and that, in fact, you are a dependable, reliable, imaginative, considerate, thoughtful, valuable ... ( insert appropriate adjectives ) human being take some deep breaths and decide that you will speak up.

I'm not suggesting you snap or lose your temper, although that may be appropriate, but simply respond in a direct, non open way asserting that this is the way you want to do it, this is how you like it etc.
In my experience an awful lot of people behave the way you have described to the 'live and let live' types like yourself because they know they will not answer back. They therefore use them almost like a punch bag. If they can, in their minds, find fault in you, or demoralise you, then they feel better about themselves.
They have a problem, don't let them lay it off on you

Going back to the questions above, you may be letting them treat you this way, and not standing up for yourself because of you own self doubt so work on that
That will also affect any concerns as to what reply you may get but, in my humble experience, bullies shut up when you answer back.
As for not wanting to upset others, have a go at putting yourself first for a change, its is unlikely that the short term hurt you may inflict will ever outway the damage you are potentially receiving

Obviously we don't know each other but in the short time I have been on the forum I already feel what a selfless, considerate and thoughtful human being you are and I believe you are far stronger than others may credit you so perhaps let them have a quick look

We are all human and we will all, at some stage, potentially behave in 'not so nice' ways but some may not be able to stop themselves so we need to. Not to judge or hurt but perhaps to just re-set the balance

If I have got the wrong idea or in any way come across as offensive or out of line I apologise profusely as this is not my intention and I wish you all the best in finding your own way to deal with this upsetting situation you currently find yourself in :hug:

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you, Margie, Dusty, Joan, Penn, and Jet! I think the date and situations brought out the worst in me yesterday. The anniversary of my loss, and remembering the birth of little Elizabeth just a year ago hit me hard. I was basically a new mom. I had Alex, but I had never given birth until little Beth came along. All the changes and hormones were too much. I'm sure the women in my family weren't meaning to be cruel, but their comments about snapping out of it, and how they never gone through the crying spell really was too much for me at the time.

I am totally not offended by anything that was said or recommended. I've spent most of my life trying to get along and to be kind to others. Both of my parents came from poor, very hard working families. None of the children in either of the families was coddled or babied. The grandparents loved my parents and aunts and uncles, but they never said, "I love you." I guess it wasn't as common in that generation, or maybe they just assumed that their children knew it. I don't remember my paternal grandparents ever saying that to me or my siblings. I guess they did, but felt they didn't need to verbalize it.

The affection part doesn't bother me all that much, it's the other part, the negativity. Why can't they just try to be nice, let others be, and be satisfied with life in general. I really have to try to stay positive as it does wonders for my health. Scott is a very positive person, which helps a lot. I feel like I have to be on guard again when my parents and Scott's mom visit. I am trying to figure out a way to casually change the subject with them, encourage them to be nice in our home, while making the visit nice for everyone. I know I may not succeed this time around, but I can keep working at it.

I also have to remember where they are coming from. I've mentioned that my father grew up in a house full of brothers and only one sister (who was the youngest), and in a fishing family. Nobody is more rude and crude than fishermen. They also are very macho and have their own code of ethics. If you watch the Deadliest Catch, that will give you a little bit of an idea. My father and his brothers grew up on the fishing boat with a fishing captain for a father. There were no sissies allowed. If you felt seasick, tired, or got hurt, you definitely wouldn't cry, whine, or complain, as your older brothers, father, and other crew would never let you live it down. My dad was the youngest boy, so I can only imagine the teasing and the pranks that he endured. During one of their visits mom, dad, Scott, and I were watching the Deadliest Catch. Captain Wild Bill of the boat, "Kodiak," banged the head of one of his young deckhands to get him out of bed. The guy had overslept. My mom was horrified. My dad chuckled and said, "When the captain says to do something, you do it. No questions and you better not have to be told twice. That's nothing! A couple of my older brothers tried to sleep in after being told to wake up. My dad threw them out the bunks and onto the deck of the boat in their underwear. The crew got a good laugh, and they never did it again." That's probably where my dad got his, "My way or the Highway," attitude.

In my mom's family there were more girls, a couple of boys. My mom didn't get along with her sisters. They were constantly finding fault with one another. Her family was also a very vocal, somewhat dramatic family. They were the type of family that acted first and then thought about their actions afterward. Very impulsive and feelings were hurt quite often. The children in her family were very egotistical and self-centered.

I think what I'll need to do, if possible is to have a meeting where I get all the parents together and tactfully and politely explain to them what is unacceptable and hurts my feelings. It sounds good, but then I have the three who can't seem to let anyone finish the sentence if they disagree. Oh brother! It needs to happen. I will also mention that it is important to my health. Any ideas on how to orchestrate this would be appreciated.

 

[JetWhite]

That sounds like a very good idea :thumleft: and be sure to have cake

As you need both sets of parents round maybe you can ask them to come over and help with something as grandparents. Have you discussed your concerns for Alex's tum problems?

Or maybe just a family 'celebration for no reason' :banana:

Whatever you do, be strong, it will be fine and we'll be behind you, about 5,000 miles in my case but you know what I mean

 

[ameslouise]

Hi Andi - Just wanted to chime in and say how sorry I am to hear that you, a wonderful, caring and supportive person, is surrounded by a family that is so insensitive and selfish! Were you adopted???

I can't add much more than the brilliant ladies above haven't already covered.

But I will add my favorite piece of advice that i try to follow always, especially when dealing with MIL: You can't change other people, you can only change how you deal with them.

And add in Joan's siggie line: No one should make you feel inferior without your consent!

And you have a good combo of ways to deal with this situation. YOU need to set the rules in your home, regardless of who you are dealing with.

Second, you need Scott to back you up. Why does your MIL need to visit for 2+ months???? That's craziness! He needs to know exactly how his mother makes you feel, and that you are not interested in a flare anytime soon, which is what will happen if she comes and stays for that long!

Please do not think you are over reacting because you are not. You have described some pretty hideous verbal and mental abuse, and that's exactly what it is.

Stand up for yourself and demand the love, attention, support and understanding you need and DESERVE. Don't sell youself short, sister!

We all got your back over here. You want we should come up to AK and kick some ass?

Hang in there - we love you!!! - Amy

 

[AndiGirl]

Were you adopted???

Amy

No, I wasn't, but I often wished that I had been. LOL! I had even asked my parents that a few times. It's ironic that I would grow up and later decide to adopt a child. Sadly, I think I am the child that looks the most like my parents, especially my dad. I am the different one personality wise. I am the calm one in a family of over-reactors. If there is no drama, then my family sees the need to create one. I have always preferred the quiet life.

Amy, you are hoot by the way! I love the kicking butt comment. I wonder if the winter and long dark nights makes some people kooky? I grew up thinking my family was weird only to discover that in some ways they were more normal than my classmates' families. I've heard some very bizarre stories from them. I guess it is my fault because after learning about the dysfunction in other families, it made mine in some ways look like a Norman Rockwell picture. I further justified things by thinking, "None of us were ever neglected. My parents never drank or abused substances. We had all of our physical needs met and were even indulged materially." Sadly, speaking respectful, boundaries, and patience were often missing. I am also one that disagrees with grandparents taking over. It really bothered me when my dad had yelled at Alex and scared him. I spoke up on that one, so hopefully dad got the hint to back off. He and my mother have no trouble disciplining their grandchildren. I think that is also another old-fashioned attitude. I've witnessed many grandparents doing that while I was growing up. My grandparents were all older than most, so they pretty much just left all of that to my parents. Both of my parents were the second to the youngest in their families. My parents have spanked several grandchildren. It doesn't seem to bother any of my siblings because that is how we were disciplined growing up. I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, so better speak up now. I think grandparents should be the fun ones in the lives of the grandchildren. I have good memories of mine, especially my maternal grandparents. If they had yelled and disciplined me, I probably wouldn't have wanted to be around them. My parents are definitely more patient with the grandchildren, but they still have their old-fashioned view points, and their patience does run out.

The whole mother-in-law situation is a mystery to me. Mine has a very sharp tongue and very definite, strong opinions. She doesn't understand that even though you may think it, you don't have to say it out loud. Scott is very good to his mother and you can openly tell that she favors him above his older brother. His older brother has been renting a room from us. He is moving out soon, as the MIL will be visiting soon. My brother-in-law can only take is mother in limited doses. In a way, I do feel sorry for my MIL as it often seems that neither son wants to spend much time with her. Scott is loving and respectful, but he too seems to keep his distance. I am left being the one to entertain her, and she really doesn't seem to like me. If it weren't for me, she wouldn't receive anything for any holiday including her birthday and Mother's Day. The two boys just don't plan things. I will say that I am the one who remembers her and Scott can take credit by signing his name on the card. I'm the one who picks out the cards, gifts, and takes the time to mail the things. I know it would be tacky, but sometimes I wish I could point that out to her. She has placed her sons on a pedestal and no woman is good enough for them; least of all one with CD who is a Yankee. She lets me know how annoying Yankees are. I smile and remind her that I am from the north and that I don't think I'm all that bad. LOL!

I started feeling very ill this afternoon. By the early evening my stomach hurt so bad that it made my back hurt. My brother is the only one who lives in Anchorage and that I feel close to. I called him and asked if he could watch the babies for about two hours while I laid down. I'm so grateful to have his support. He came over as quickly as he could to watch the kids. I found out that he was planning on having some friends over tonight. He's single so I'm hoping one of them is a special girl. When I woke up, the place looked reasonably neat, and both kids were in pajamas and in bed.

I will speak to Scott about the long visits. I can take shorter ones, but I think we all (including the MIL) get stressed out from the long visits. I might trying joking around with my mother when she starts in with her complaining and fault finding. I may say something like, "If you want to find the bad in things, you can. The good is so much more interesting. I'd rather feel happy than angry." I don't know, I'll think of something. I guess that is why God made families and put the most unlikely people together in them. LOL! He probably wanted to see if we could truly learn to love one another.

 

[ameslouise]

Hi Andi - Sounds like you are a little clearer today. Glad you are going to chat with Scott about the visit. Just thinking about it is upsetting your gut - you need to take care of yourself!

Besides.... you MIL sounds so needy, her demands might take you away from us for two months and I don't like that idea!!!

xo - Ames

 

[AndiGirl]

FRUSTRATED!!! Scott seems to think that it's better if we ignore his mother's comments. He can ignore them, because they are usually not directed at him. I'd like to disappear for a month. I'm dreading the visit. I will need to say something.

My mom called me today and was wondering when I plan on visiting them in Wasilla. I don't mind visiting, but sheesh my spring break is now over, and it's back to work. Wasilla is only 45 miles away, but that will take a lot out of my schedule, not to mention I'll have two babies in car seats in tow. She's already assuming that we are going out there for Easter. Most of my family is out there, so we'll be going. She's so quick to be negative. Even on the phone!:ymad:

 

[Doglover]

AndiGirl,

I can't imagine how frustrating that is to feel like you are constantly being compared to others and put down. That said, you are your own person. Although others might TRY to compare you to others, you are the person you want to be and no one else can change that. When others put you down, that is simply a sign of their own inherent unhappiness.

I have found that when someone hurls an insult at me, it often works to be blunt and respond honestly. Sometimes I say, "What is your point?" or if they insult my hairstyle, for example, I might say, "That was rude and I don't care what you think about my hair." Ok, so I might sound rude back, but it sometimes helps the other person realize how they sound and lets them know that it's unacceptable to speak to me that way. I hope you can find the right way for you to approach this situation. You definitely don't need any more stress!

I hope your family can find it in their hearts to be more understanding and compassionate.

Doglover

 

[Jennjenn]

I feel bad about your situation. I know how you feel about being frustrated though when someone tells you to ignore someones comments. NOT THAT EASY! and those who say just ignore it just do not understand.

 

[ameslouise]

How easy it is for husband's to ignore their crazy mothers... they have had their whole lives to learn how to do that - we're newcomers and haven't developed that skill yet!

Good luck, Andi. I am so sorry you didn't get more support from Scott. Is he maybe afraid to stand up to her and tell her she can't visit for two months???

- Amy

 

[margie]

Andi,
You need to concentrate on your health, and do what is best for you. You do not need any more added stress than you already have. When I become stressed, the CD always becomes much worse, and you definitely don't need that.

I am so sorry that they are being so negative with you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make as far as approaching and talking to your family. I, too, had hoped that Scott would have been more supportive.

I am here for you if you need to vent or just a shoulder to cry on during all of these hard times that you face.

Margie

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you all again for your wonderful advice and well wishes. I have decided to try to speak my mind when the need arises. I know I'll probably shake and will probably second guess myself, but I'm sick of it. I truly hate confrontations. I'll be nice and polite, but I really think that my MIL, heck my own mom for that matter needs a taste of her (their) own medicine. Enough is enough! They are not the only ones with feelings.

As for my dad . . . I'll hold off. He stresses me out and he seems to know how to make some biting comments. I'm just going to leave him be. I used to want his attention when I was younger, but he's just too macho, stodgy and uptight. One of my sisters called him a rock (not to his face of course). My brother is the only one who has really experienced our dad's fun side. They went hunting, fishing, played sports together, and my father was a Boy Scout leader for a while. I guess girls just made him nervous. I really am torn between wanting to make peace with him and letting the situation remain status quo. I get very annoyed when he spazes out over the weirdest or most minor things (stupid telephone book).

 

[tiloah]

I couldn't read through all of your first post. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Especially for the lack of support when you needed it most (PPD) and from your MiL. You are wonderful the way you are and you don't need to lose weight, how ridiculous.

My partner does the same thing with his mom. He thinks we should "go along" with what she wants even if it directly contradicts what I want, just to keep the peace. I haven't figured out an effective way to deal with it, if I do you'll be the first I'll let know!

You have all the support I can offer. And this forum is always here for venting purposes and there's no need to be sorry. Personally I think venting here allows me to be less irritated in real life. It's not good to keep feelings bottled up either (makes us sick, which is the last thing any of us need!)

Be well.

 

[JetWhite]

Thank you all again for your wonderful advice and well wishes. I have decided to try to speak my mind when the need arises.

Good for you :dog:
Remember, when you're shaking and after when you doubt yourself, we're all be here to pat you on the back

I'm sure you will feel better for it, even if not immediately.

 

[AndiGirl]

Thanks again for all the kind support. Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Irish heritage is a big part of my father's heritage, so I decided to call him up and wish him a, "Happy St. Patrick's Day." I called my dad during his lunch break, so that I wouldn't interrupt him at work. He sounded surprised to hear from me. One of my sisters and I have a similar sounding voice, so I was even more surprised that he knew right away who I was. He thanked me for calling, but our conversation lasted all of a five minutes if even that. I made the effort! I just don't get him. The fact that he didn't make more of an effort to talk with me bummed me out.

If I don't call home at least twice a week, then I usually hear from my mother. She calls quite a bit actually. When she has offered to have my dad speak to me, he usually declines. I know he isn't mad at me, but it is starting to hurt my feelings. I guess I won't worry, and will let him be.

My parents live in Wassila which is about 45 miles away. I still don't see them that often. My parents don't like driving the Glenn and Parks Highway in the dark, so they usually don't stay in Anchorage very long when they do visit. My father can literally retire at any time, but he won't. He's in Anchorage every day of the working week. I never see or hear from him. I know he gets up at 4:30 a.m. to make the commute to work. He will occasionally stop by their old house to see my brother. My brother is living in my parents' old house. Maybe I should speak up and say that his grandkids would like to see him once in a while. How to break the ice is the question?

 

[Katiejohnsonwriter]

Andy,
I'm new to the forum so I hope you don't mind my replying. My situation is very much the same, with problems on both sides of the family and major issues with my MIL. For 25 years I tried to please her and my parents. Some people are not pleasable and in fact, they get their ya-ya's by worming into their loved one's minds and settling in to make trouble. I don't think they TRULY mean to hurt-or maybe they do.

As a Christian, I was always afraid to stand up for myself, wanting to be the "good girl". Every year I'd try something else to see if there was something I could do to make it all work out, something I hadn't tried before. Fully believing it was all my own attitude and weakness and therefor my own fault.

Several over the top things happened on both sides of the family that made me finally get it. Situations rose to such a crazy level that it was undeniable. They were out of control and there was no way I could deal with it. Because it's not YOURS or MY issue, it's theirs. It's their problem.

I needed to get to that place where I couldn't care less what they think about me or the way I do things. I can't tell you how delightful if feels to just shrug my shoulder when my MIL or Mom or my Dad, before he died, said something that was just flat out cruel, sitting in judgment of me or my families decisions. It became comical. Truly. To the point that now, I can point out how crazy they're being, while laughing about it.

I would encourage you to try something different. What you've been doing isn't working. It sounds as if you're scared and on edge and I get that. Been there, done that for decades.

Try to see the humor in the ludicrous behavior. I learned a few sentences: "This is the way I want to do things. You do things your way and I'll do things my way." and "No." and "Did you mean to sound so cold?" Standing up for yourself while still being respectful. And picturing yourself being powerful and strong---your own hero. Picture yourself that way every morning and every night before you close your eyes.

I would highly recommend reading: "Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst" You can get it on Amazon.

Another: Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work

But most of all, I think you need to change your mindset. If your parents are still treating you that way, it's abusive, as is your MIL's behavior. You can re-train them in the way you want to be treated by knowing that YOU are right. You are an adult and you have your own family and you get to say how things go.

Therefore, you are right. There is no other side. That's why the bible tells us to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. The problem is that some parents cannot let their children go and it gives them a power thrill to meddle. It's not right. You are right and even if you're wrong, you have the RIGHT to be wrong!

You do get to make the rules, and you aren't being an unkind person for doing so. You get to say how people get to treat you. It's no one else's business how you run your life and your family as long as they are safe and happy.

You have some time before your MIL visits. If you could get a few books, they might really help. Most even have scripts that you can use in sticky situations. They will reiterate what I'm saying. It's not YOUR fault that these problems exist. You are in a bad place. It's they who need to be told to step back.

Forgive me if I've overstepped because we don't know each other. I have cried so many tears over this issue. I can't tell you how good it feels to stand firmly on the other side now, knowing that they can't touch me. And yet we still have a relationship.

 

[AndiGirl]

Hi Katie. You didn't offend me in any way. I needed to hear what you and others have written to me. I have been trying so hard to be everything for my family. My health can't take it. It's too much and it's unrealistic. I have been feeling on-edge lately, especially because my MIL's visit is looming and so is Easter. I'm sure the stress has helped in pushing me into a flare-up.

I do plan on spending it in Wasilla with my parents, siblings, and their children. I think while I'm visiting my parents during the Easter holiday, I am going to spend most of my time tending to the children, my nieces and nephews included. That will give me less of a chance to have to deal with petty siblings, mom, dad, or MIL's comments. Those two books sound awesome. I plan on looking into both of them.

Here's what I've learned growing up. Nobody has the perfect family. Anybody who claims to have one is a liar. We have to bloom where we are planted. Most people have a least one (if not more) issue(s) with their family or a member of their family, be it ever so minor. After becoming a mother, I have become much closer to my brother, who is the only boy in our family. My brother also has CD. It has been helping me a little to talk things out with him. He brought up some things that I never thought about before. He said that when we were younger, daddy was much harder on him because he was a boy. Never mind that he was second to the youngest, he was still expected to be the strong one, who would protect his sisters. Our parents never wanted us to fight of course, but it was even worse for my brother if he wanted if he felt the urge to sock me or one of the other sisters. My sisters and I were not easy to live with at times. A big cardinal sin with our father. I can respect my dad in that regard. He taught my brother to respect women and not to ever lay a hand on them, no matter how annoying they can be. Sadly, the cutting verbal comments were still there. According to my brother, our dad is very uncomfortable with emotions, and I happen to be an emotional person. He's happy to attend to the practical side of things, but when it comes to chit chat, dad fails in that area. My brother says that he knows dad loves me because he says nice things about me and my family when he with him. I just wish he could show that to me. I've felt very isolated with the CD and need to have some positive words and extra encouragement from my family. Maybe I need to be blunt and tell my father what I just said. When I was young, he seemed to have no trouble comforting me, but as I got older, he must of thought that I could fend for myself in that regard.

I am so tired! Tired of tying to keep peace, trying to make things nice. I am not going to stress myself out over making my home look like a magazine show room for my MIL. I have teaching, two babies, and a disease, she'll just have to accept our home the way it is.

 

[margie]

Andi,
The way I see it, is if friends and family come over to inspect my home, they sure better look the other way, otherwise, pick up a mop and broom and get to work.....lol

Just thought that might make you smile a little anyways. Don't fret over your family and don't bust your butt cleaning your house for them either.

Big Hug

 

[Crohn's Mom]

My grandma always told me... Houses are meant to be lived in, not looked at ! I choose to believe her LOL

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you Margie and Tracy. I am feeling better about my decision not to worry about it. I am not a slob or messy, but I do have two babies who can really mess up. If MIL is critical, then she'll just have to pitch in.

I think I might have discovered one of my father's reasons for being distant and standoffish. He's not feeling well. I don't know how long this has been going on for, but my mother said he's been experiencing a lot of pressure near his bladder. He isn't having any urgency to urinate. He will be seeing his doctor soon. Knowing my dad, there's no telling how long he's been feeling weird, or uncomfortable. He never calls in sick to work. The amount of sick leave that he has accrued from his 40 years with the U.S. Government is amazing. Dad was a fisherman and played basketball for a number of years. Both took a toll on his knees. He had two total knee replacements about five years ago. He was out of work for two months, and he still has a ton of leave.

Just when I was about ready to set things right, I now am worried about my dad. His father, my grandpa, was the one who had a terrible case of CD. He eventually needed a colectomy. He used a bag for the rest of his life. I feel bad now.

 

[margie]

Andi,
I must have missed a post somewhere along that said what you were going to set things right with your dad and now this. Confused.

 

[AndiGirl]

I was going to have a heart to heart talk with him, or try to. I was going to tell my dad that even though he may not mean to, his indifference and aloofness are hurting my feelings. I feel as though he doesn't want to talk to me, and whether is realizes it his reactions to me seem very cold.

I'm hesitant to try to bring any of that up now that I know he's dealing with some kind of health issue. Now I'm worried about him. He is old and set in his ways, but I think under better circumstances, he needs to realize that he comes off as being cold and uncaring; which he may not even realize. I know a lot of it is generational, and the fact that he is no great talker, but to me that's still no excuse. Life is too short not tell or show the ones you love affection. I want no regrets. I've had many classmates who have lost parents and some of them still regret not telling or showing them how much they really love them. Whether or not the other person, in this case, my father reciprocates, is up to him, but I don't want to have any regrets for not trying. I know he is capable as he has been affectionate before.

 

[margie]

Andi,
All I can say, is that from what I have learned and read from your posts, you are a very kind and caring person. I know that you love your dad, and I am sure that you are right, in that a lot is probably because of the generation, however you are right there is no excuse. My parents know that I love them, however, they also know that I won't tolerate their uncaring attitudes or rude comments about my personal life with my ex-husband and my divorce. I wrote a book that no one in my family even knows of about my life. I would never let them read it because it would probably kill them. All that I am trying to say, is that it is up to you how much you want to say to him and when it would be the right time. I am sure that when the time is right, you will know.

I don't know if what I said helped or not, but you will work it out with your Dad I am sure. I hope that his health issues are not serious and that he will be ok. I know how worried you must be, my parents are going through some really serious health issues themselves. It use to be my Dad all of the time, and now my Mom has become very ill. So double hard now.

Big Hug

 

[MADiMarc]

Andi,
I am so sorry you go through this with the family. Ya just can't pick family, can you?

I too do my best to be a good, caring person. HOWEVER, you must treat your body as a temple! I take that to mean that we must take care of ourselves, not only with what we eat but with what we take in through others. Hon, the negative attitudes and behavoirs around you will be your undoing.

I know you said you are going to talk to them. I also know you detest confrontation of any sort...babe, you have got to lay down the law here. You are a grown woman with children of your own. You have a demanding, full time job outside the home, come home to do another full days work on top of it. If you can't enjoy the family, why do this to yourself?? Jesus did not expect you to take abuse.

Look, above is just my two cents. I know it is hard, I do really. I cut my family out of my life for a solid year due to emotionally hurtful crap they were dishing out. I couldnt take it anymore and just stopped calling/visiting. I did not return calls or emails. Finally, the message got through. Treat Michele with some respect because if you don't, you won't see or hear from her. That was my way of dealing with it. Yours may not be as harsh.

Sending many, many hugs your way!

Michele

 

[ameslouise]

Andi - The most useful piece of advice I ever received was:

You can't change other people, you can only change how you deal with them.

While I think it's important to let your dad know (when the time is right) about your feelings, don't expect him to change. Better to accept the way he is, know he loves you and doesn't mean to hurt you and try to let it roll off.

I'm sorry to hear he isn't feeling well and you are a caring person to put off "the talk" until you learn what's going on with him.

Good luck - thinking of you and how much you have on your plate right now. xo - Ames

 

[margie]

She sure does have a lot on her plate Amy.

Thinking of you Andi, I hope things work out for you soon and that you start feeling better.

Big Hug

 

[AndiGirl]

Thank you for the kind word and advice. Things are a little quiet now, which is good. My mother and I are both upset that my father isn't taking his health more serious. He is putting off his doctor's appointment and still continuing to work long hours. Men!!! The advice about not being able to change a person is very true.

 

[margie]

I just found out that my parents have been talking to my ex. My daughter told me this last weekend. Isn't that special beings that he abused me. They were upset and totally against me from the start of me leaving him. I have come to realize that I can't change their beliefs, however, sure wish they would not be bad mouthing me behind my back. Words got back to my daughter about things said that shouldn't have been.

I sure can't change my parents beliefs, but you would think that parents would be more supportive of their own kids and not the son in laws, etc.

 

[JetWhite]

Oh Margie, that is so hurtful and I feel for you. I hope you have a lot of supporting and loving friends that can help you :hug:

Aww Andi, I hope things improve. There is very little you do with a stubborn man I expect your mum has the most influence.
I hope things are going okay and you are feeling better :hug:

 

[margie]

Jet,
I have an incredible boyfriend and at least one very loving son that show support and doesn't judge me, however my other son and daughter have no idea of what happened and have taken his side and show no respect or care for me at all. Didn't even call or come to see me in hospital and they don't call at all to see how I am doing either.

Just goes to show that you can't change people, you can only put up with them and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Andy
I sure hope that your Dad starts taking care of himself though, I know how that is because my Mom battles with my Dads diabetes and heart condition all of the time. Refuses to take his insulin shots when he is suppose too.

 

[AndiGirl]

That is very hurtful, Margie. Why do people have to choose sides anyway? Blood is supposed to be thicker than water too. Diabetes is nothing to play around with. I'm sure your mom is always worried about your dad.

Hi Jet! My mom does have the most influence over dad, but he does dig his heels in and can get very stubborn. He never avoids dental appointments, but I think he does so to avoid the pain. He seems to think that if he ignores the problem long enough it will go away.