Feeling very lost and alone

[nothing-obvious]

I'm new here so hope I'm going about thisthe right way. Also I'm posting this from my mobile so i hope this post makes sense but it could get difficult especially since this will probably end up being a long one!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7-8 months. He has crohns-like symptoms and doctors seem to think that's what he has but I don't think he has had a formal diagnosis. I can't remember when he told me about it to be honest but things were fine for the first few months - he was healthy and we were just enjoying life. He started to have a good few sick days off work and I honestly didn't understand at first and told him he'd need to be careful phoning in sick so often etc. On and on it went until he gradually started explaining things to me here and there. Long story short he was signed off until he had operation. He thought it would be a small one similar to one he had before but after ages of waiting for hospital appointments he has been told he is going to have part of his bowel removed. He's worried about that and worried about his job.

I'm trying hard to support him but I'm struggling. I'm worried about him. I don't like saying it to him because he has other problems to deal with that are more important than worrying about me worrying about him. He is feeling better, he wants to go back to work, to the best of my knowledge his symptoms have subsided (partly because he is not working hard, long hours like he was when he got ill again). I listen to his problems but feel useless because my suggestions are stupid and so there's nothing I can say or do. At the same time as all this I'm still trying to work and I have a horse which also takes a great deal of my time (especially since she is a bit poorly just now). I'm out the house 12-13hours during the week and come home to have to clean up my flat (he's living with me), do the dishes, the washing, make dinner for us both. He'll say things about the flat being messy or the food not tasting good and it takes all my strength not to go mad, instead I just take it very personally, keep it inside and get mad/upset at myself. I don't really feel loved anymore, despite him telling me he loves me every day, I feel ugly, drained and tired. I don't feel I can talk to him about it as what I'm going through is nothing in comparison to what he is experiencing. I have no one else though. I just have to keep it all inside. I'm struggling financial, physically and emotionally. I worry about our future - will he be ok, what will happen if we have kids/buy a house etc. I love him so much, I just can't find a way to cope with everything.

 

[scottsma]

Oh you poor thing.You really do have a lot to cope with.Please don't feel guilty,what you're going through would be enough to beat anyone to a pulp.I'm sure someone will be along soon to support you,someone who is or has gone through the same as you,and there are many,believe me.I just wanted to say Hi and welcome to the forum.I know it's hard,but things will get better.Try to have sometime to yourself,even if it's just a bubble bath and candles.Best wishes.

 

[Trysha]

A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
It is so sad to hear of all your struggling to cope with ever expanding problems.
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.
It might be a good idea to level with your partner and see what he has to offer.If he has crohn's then it will be a chronic situation and you should not be expected to carry the load alone.
Where people love each other solutions will be found.
Feel better soon
Hugs and best wishes
Trysha

 

[ryansbronco]

Don't let it all bottle up inside. It makes things worse. I've been there it's not good for anyone involved. I have what my doctor says mild to severe crohns. There are days after work all I want to do is fold up in bed and not return. I tend to sleep a lot, but I still cook clean work and find time to work on small engines and other hobbies. If it were not for my very few friends and support forum like this I think Id shut down. Dose your boyfriend have any mates he like to go do things with? It reads like he needs to get out and try to enjoy the up times. At least for me it gives me more energy to do things at home.

 

[nothing-obvious]

He does have friends that stay close by but they work during the day so he can't see them until evening/weekends and he had to sell his car so has no way of getting about really. Plus his friends are still at that stage of life where they are going out drinking every weekend. This is how his most recent flare up got really bad (he ended up in a&e because he colapsed in a pharmacy) he went out drinking with his friends and things went downhill from there. He knows he needs to slow down & take better care of himself but I'm not sure his friends do and he just says no to every night out. One of his friends has crohns but he is on medication and eats well so it seems to be under control I think my boyfriend should spend a bit of time with him because he would understand and perhaps be able to show him there is a light at the end of the tunnel. He is meant to be doing something with a friend this weekend but he's worried about being let down. He goes a walk to the shops every day and that's his lot. Theres a park near by I suggested he should take a walk in when the weather is nice but he shrugged off the idea saying walking time is thinking time for him so it wouldn't stop him stressing or worrying. I'm all out of ideas.

He isn't getting on with his family right now. Well he gets on with them until they bring up his problems and ask questions but they seem to be doing that a lot now and he is sick of the constant "you need to do x, y, z". I've met his family a handful of times and they are really nice just worried about him like me. However I don't feel I know them well enough to talk to them. I'm not close to my family and for various reasons can't really share my feelings with them. My best friend lives far away and I see her so rarely now and I don't thimk she understands our situation.

I'm hoping he isn't let down this weekend and he gets some time out doing stuff. Unfortunately I have things planned when he is out so I'm not sure I'll get much time to relax but if I do I'll try to make the most of it.

ETA - Also, something that's getting to me more than I expected is his lack of sex drive (at least I hope that's what it is). He has always had a really high sex drive, even when he was quite ill (which I thought was odd) now he seems uninterested in me. I don't knpw whether it's because I'm feeling down already but I'm taking it really personally to the point I started worrying that when he is feeling better after his operation he'll just leave me.

 

[nothing-obvious]

Thanks for the support, it feels a little better to have got some of this out.

 

[ryansbronco]

Being single all I can say is things will be better. Can you talk to his friend that has crohn's? May he can tell you how he is dealing with it and beign social. Im not sure where you both live, but there may be local support groups in your area. I understand the whole family thing. You might try to take his mom out to pizza or something and test the waters.
Your health and mental health matters too. Enjoy a grils night out. It is very hard on close friends and family when a close one has stuff like Crohns. My bf has lupus and some other stuff. Some days all I want to do is bring over my tool box and fix it. When ever you want to vent or chat just post up