Fiance just doesn't get it

[closedingirl]

So, my fiance has been having tummy issues. Near constant pain and bathroom trips. i told him to go get it checked out. I told him I hope it's not anything too bad, like my Crohn's and he just shrugged and said "I'll be fine" dismissively. I told him it's not easy to do that. Chronic diseases are hard on you mentally and physically. He then said, "Only when you let it get to you. Otherwise you'll be okay." I was flabbergasted. I know he doesn't understand my mental illness and I deal with that but now I think he doesn't understand my physical problems and it bothers me. It's been growing for a bit. He says I complain all the time and have "given up." i don't feel that way at all, in fact, i'm doing better than I have in months.

Am I overreacting?

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

You're not overreacting, and if anything it sounds like he's in denial. My husband and I recently went through something similar. I've been ill since Oct 2009 (not diagnosed yet but I most likely have some form of IBD). Hubby started getting abdominal pain in December of '10 but didn't tell anyone, including me, for over 3 months. When he did tell me, he said, "I think I have what you've got." I made a doctor appointment for him right away and shortly thereafter he would up in the ER - it wasn't an IBD for him after all, it was kidney stones. Like your fiance, his pain started out not too bad but got worse pretty quickly. If the pain hadn't have gotten worse, if it had just stayed the same, I don't think he would have even told me, let alone gone to the doctor.

My advice is, at the very least print out some info about IBD - including symptoms, and repercussions of what can happen if he lets it go unchecked and untreated too long (scar tissue, strictures, etc). If he seems receptive to that, by all means make a doctor appointment for him, and go with him. You can let the doctor know your concerns about what he might be doing to his health in the long run and hopefully the doctor can talk some sense into him and do some tests. Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses and realizes that illnesses like this are not to be ignored and that there's no shame in going to the doctor (why do so many guys seem to think it's like unmanly or something to go to the doctor???)

 

[closedingirl]

Well, I know one of the reasons he doesn't want to go is that money is tight right now. I haven't been to my family doc or GI for months because we can't afford it but I'm really worried about this. Thanks for the advice. I'll try that. He's a stubborn person, though.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

My husband is really stubborn too. He hadn't been to a doctor in at least 10 years when the kidney stones hit. He always felt "fine" so he never even got a checkup in 10+ years. He didn't even have a primary care doctor, so I made some calls and got him an appointment with my doctor (who wasn't even taking new patients at the time, but agreed to take on hubby as a favor to me).

I understand not going to the doctor because of money issues, my hubby's ER visit was $5000 (!!!) and with our insurance we have to pay 20%, so I'm going to be stuck with a bill for $1000 for one ER visit. Eek! Thank goodness for payment plans! Can you call the doctor and let him/her know what's going on with your fiance and your finances and maybe work something out? Most doctors are really flexible about payment plans, financial aid, etc. And if you don't have insurance right now, check and see if there are any free or low-cost clinics in your area. Good luck, I hope you can figure something out and get your stubborn guy checked out.

Oh, and I wanted to just say that I really feel for you. It's not fun being ill, but it's just unbearable when both people in the relationship are sick and both are simultaneously playing patient and caregiver roles! It really sucks and I'm sorry you two have to go through this.

 

[lookame]

First off- HEY YOU LIVE NEAR ME! lol I like in Columbus, Ohio that was exciting to see since I often feel like I'm the only person around with crohns disease

Second- you are not overracting!! When I was first diagnosed and trying to wrap my head around my condition I talked about it a lot. My fiance at one point said I was obsessed and I need to get over it. I was like well poo...who else am I going to talk to? I think he was going through the same thing I was...trying to cope with my diagnosis. After awhile he's come around and tries to be a good listener and a shoulder to lean on.

You say in your post he's been having some stomache pains as well so he may be trying to play tough guy. It's going to be hard for him to admit to himself he may be sick and perhaps his way to keep up his charade is to say that you don't have anything serious. My fiance sounds a lot like yours...even if he's got the highest fever in the world he would still go to work and press on like nothing is wrong.

As for getting him to doctor I would ask your fiance to make an appt with his primary care physcian, go with him and bring up his tummy troubles (he probably won't do it himself) see what his primary says(it's costs less than a GI visit and a doctors opinion may pursuade him to look into it a little further)Anyway I wish you luck

 

[Jennifer]

My fiance has had issues too including bleeding for 3 days that he didn't even bother to tell me about cause he didn't think it was a big deal. WAT?

He says its because he was tested once for Crohn's in the past but they didn't find anything but polyps and removed them during the scope and that was it. His doctor was a quack for sure too. But that doesn't get him off the hook cause he should take better care of himself and figure out what the problem is by seeing another GI until he gets a concrete answer. GI issues run on his dad's side of the family and even his grandma died from colon cancer and some other undiagnosed GI issue. He saw another GI recently but found nothing and my fiance said that they found nothing because he wasn't having any symptoms. How dense do you have to be?

I told him the next time he's bleeding he's going straight to the ER and I made it clear that keeping that information from me was just as bad as lying. He's the type who never lies and fears my wrath.

"Only when you let it get to you. Otherwise you'll be okay."

With that quote above, I would have flipped. I rarely yell but that would get me going. You wont be ok, you'll be dead and if you don't want me to own all your stuff soon then you better go to the doctor cause the ER costs a hell of a lot more.

 

[closedingirl]

First off- HEY YOU LIVE NEAR ME! lol I like in Columbus, Ohio that was exciting to see since I often feel like I'm the only person around with crohns disease

Second- you are not overracting!! When I was first diagnosed and trying to wrap my head around my condition I talked about it a lot. My fiance at one point said I was obsessed and I need to get over it. I was like well poo...who else am I going to talk to? I think he was going through the same thing I was...trying to cope with my diagnosis. After awhile he's come around and tries to be a good listener and a shoulder to lean on.

You say in your post he's been having some stomache pains as well so he may be trying to play tough guy. It's going to be hard for him to admit to himself he may be sick and perhaps his way to keep up his charade is to say that you don't have anything serious. My fiance sounds a lot like yours...even if he's got the highest fever in the world he would still go to work and press on like nothing is wrong.

As for getting him to doctor I would ask your fiance to make an appt with his primary care physcian, go with him and bring up his tummy troubles (he probably won't do it himself) see what his primary says(it's costs less than a GI visit and a doctors opinion may pursuade him to look into it a little further)Anyway I wish you luck

I was wondering if anyone lived near me! Still about six hours away, but still! I do believe he's doing the "tough guy" routine. At times, he'll call off work but only when it's really bad. He keeps saying he'll go for me soon as he can afford it. I'm glad he's agreed too