Hard to read his feelings

[LuxxaVibez]

I've been dating a guy seriously for a while now, and he has a pretty rough case of Crohns. For me, it can be really difficult to tell if he needs me or if he just really needs some time alone. Yesterday he had really bad depression because this current flare is pretty difficult. He was a miserable wreck, and gave me several "outs" so that I could go home. Something told me to stick around, and he later told me he was so appreciative of that.

Today isn't much better. When it's like this, it almost feels like he's slipping away from me. The attraction isn't as strong, and I can feel a difference in his kisses and everything. I try really hard to NOT make it about me, but it's not easy.

If he's feeling really badly, I don't want to compound his miseries by bugging him about our relationship. But it does feel like I'm being pushed away sometimes. How do you know if something's really wrong or if it's just the Crohns? Right now, I'm confused and I am just thinking I should spend some time doing my own thing until he feels a little better.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Hi, welcome to the forum. This illness affects all of us a little differently, so it's difficult to say what you should do in this situation. Personally, when I'm flaring, I feel pretty much the opposite of sexy. I don't even feel human at times. And I do try to push my husband away because I feel like a burden on him - I have thoughts like, he shouldn't have to deal with someone so sick and miserable, he should find someone healthy who can do normal things like eat food and leave the house or even just leave the bathroom. Certainly romance is the farthest thing from my mind and I don't feel attractive in the least when I'm flaring. I would imagine your guy is maybe having similar feelings.

I would say, if he truly wants space then give it to him - but you said he was so appreciative that you stayed, so it sounds to me like he doesn't necessarily want space, he just wants to give you the chance to unburden yourself from him, if you so choose. So it sounds to me like you should keep spending time with him, it sounds like that makes him happy. And believe me, in a bad flare, any little thing that makes him happy will be greatly appreciated. Even if you just hang out on the couch and watch movies, I bet he would like that very much.

I applaud you for trying to help him and wanting to stick it out in the relationship. Having supportive people around is a huge help. Is your boyfriend on any meds right now to get the flare under control? Has he been seeing the doctor or has he gone through any tests lately? It might benefit him to join the forum too - he can connect with lots of other people who can relate to what he's going through, and he can get lots of information here too. Anyway, I hope that was helpful. Hang in there, I know it's rough for both people in a relationship when one person is ill. Take care of him but take care of yourself too!

 

[LuxxaVibez]

Cat-a-tonic, He takes humira weekly and is on 6MP and Paxil daily. For pain, he's been managing with medical marijuana because oxycontin was just too much of a battle. He sees a great doctor, and generally stays on top of his medications and blood work pretty well.

He text me earlier with some encouraging words, thanking me and whatnot. I guess it's just really hard when something feels "off."

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

I'm sure it is really hard. Just stick by him - this illness is so horrible sometimes. Depression is really common with Crohn's and colitis and you mentioned in your first post that he does seem to be battling some depression. Personally, my depression seems to lift as my symptoms ease, so hopefully that's the case with him too and he will feel better mentally once the flare starts letting up.

Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? It's an essay written by a woman with Lupus, about what it's like to live every day with a chronic illness. I recommend it to everyone I know, it's an enlightening read. This might give you more insight as to what your boyfriend is going through on a daily basis. Here's the link:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

 

[LuxxaVibez]

I read the article, and it's helpful for sure. I think he needs to read it more than I do, because I know he puts himself through too much stress trying to do it all.

I think I have a decent understanding of what he lives with, because my brother is paraplegic with an ostomy. Being close to that has given me a window into just how hard life can be when you arent healthy.

Its not hard to understand how hard life cant be for him. Its just hard to navigate those difficult relationship insecurities with the illness thrown on top of that. Missed dates are harder to deal with as a SO than they are as a friend. And it's a new-ish relationship, so I'm not feeling as secure as I would be if we'd been at this for years.