Has IBD made you change serious decisions?

[StarGirrrrl]

So, although I have only had IBD confirmed 9 weeks ago, after thinking it was IBS for 4 years, I am having a hard time coming to terms with some serious issues.

I always wanted to get married and have children, but now I am thinking I will not have kids of my own. This is for 2 reasons:

State of health: I realise I am so poorly because I have not had a diagnosis/treatment yet (I also have ME). I know with treatment there is a high chance I will get better. I will still have IBD though. But what if I have kids and suddenly need care myself? I would never want to put them through that. As it is, I am going to have to find a very understanding man!

Risk: What if I have kids and they get IBD, because I have passed it on? I couldn't live with myself. I have had such a miserable time with my health since I was 16 (so eight years) that i want them to grab every opportunity to live a normal life, like lots of nights out with friends, that I have missed out on, and so much more.

There is a family history of IBD although it is not strong. My Nan's sister has UC and three of my Grandad's (he has 8 brothers) great neices also have a form of IBD (so my generation).

Any thoughts?

 

[Jennifer]

Sure I've thought about that as well. At first I decided that I would adopt instead, that possibly removes the risk of your #2 concern (but keep in mind they could have other problems later on, maybe even IBD ). My boyfriend and I have talked about it a few times cause he wants kids some day and so do I but the how was another matter. He made me realize that I've really been worrying about nothing because they might not even get IBD not to mention there are so many other illnesses out there that parents have to deal with and at least I have experience with IBD and would be able to help them through it not to mention there may be better medications out there by then and better health care.

This subject has come up before and some people feel the same as you and others wouldn't give up their kids for the world. Just remember that risk for any illness is always there and that IBD is treatable.

Other than that I don't recall IBD changing my views on anything else, well, actually I think it had something to do with my losing faith in God and my religion. I used to be Protestant and went to a church called the Assembly of God but was diagnosed when I was 9 years old and lost my faith a few years later. I'm a Deist now but I still think about it from time to time.

 

[samsite]

Yep. We found a lovely house by the sea side to rent. stunning location and all the space we would need but pushed our budget up a little bit

After much thought we are not moving as if my health was to decline we would struggle to meet rent and I would end up in some welsh hospital miles away from partner and family (partner would have to travel for work)

If I didn't have crohns I wouldn't be worrying about long periods in hospital with no pay.

I have already made the choice not to have children as the impact of long term health and money issues on a developing child is simply unfair

 

[kildare crohnie]

i had always taught of that about having kids cause i wudn't want my young lad to go through the crap i hav in the last six years... i was in a relationship and after 4 months she got pregnant were not together now but having him around has really made my life worth living there such a bundle of joy and hopefully in 10-15 years time the medicine out then will hopefully be a lot better so maybe it might be worth the risk...

 

[Manzyb]

Well, like you, when I never thought that I would have children. I didn't think I could bare to possibly pass the disease on, get through pregnancy and what not. However, things change and the more you come to terms with your illness the easier it gets I believe.

I have been diagnosed 11 years ago, but was sick for a few years before that. I was so sick that I never thought I would get better. I have always been somewhat in a flare state, but sometimes worse than others.

I am currently pregnant. Scared to death, but have read so many positive things about people with Crohn's and being pregnant and having healthy babies. There is always a chance that you could pass it on to your child, but does that mean that you don't deserve to have a child because of the off chance you could pass it on?? I have had many discussions about this with my husband. He feels very strongly about having children even if it is something that they could end up with. IF my child does end up having it down the road, they will have the BEST support system ever. And by the time IF they do get it there may be a cure by then, or at least better medications.

I really think if its something you've always wanted, you can and will make it work. You never know how things will turn out, you just have to take it day by day.

 

[StarGirrrrl]

Thanks for your replies

I'm young and the way I look at it I have 20 years to change my mind. Just suffering so much and would never want a child of mine to go through this, I would view it as my fault.

Adoption is certainly what i'm leaning towards at the moment, maybe siblings that would otherwise be split up.

 

[kildare crohnie]

well if you have 20 years maybe leave it for 10 or 12 years and see what your options are availible then. its such a life changing expeirence it wud be a shame to miss it.

 

[rottengut91]

It's certainly a personal decision and I too worry that one of my children will some day have a illness of their own to deal with, but not for all the money in the world would I change my decision to have them. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. It took me seven years to get pregnant. I miscarried the first time, but the second time resulted in my wonderful son. Four years later I gave birth to the awesomist (probably not really a word, but that how I feel) daughter in the universe. Having kids is the best think I've ever done. It's probably the biggest contribution I have made to the world. Having their love literally gets me through every day of this life.

 

[Silvermoon]

Being diagnosed at such a young age (13), I think I can definitely say it made me do things a lot different than I probably would have if I didn't have an illness.....

My career for one. I always wanted to be a nurse, but I wanted the thrill of ER nursing, or outpost nursing in the NWT, Canada. Although, I LOVE public health nursing too... so maybe I would have missed out on something by NOT going into public health had I not been sick.

Kids I left up to the fates... but I think yes, I was a bit more prepared to accept the fact that I wasn't going to have my own.... After I got married, my hubby and I never used birth control (unless I was on a particular medication at the time that strictly forbade getting preggers) ... but pregnancy just never happened. And for the reasons you listed above (ie being sick and not having time/energy for children of my own) there are lots of days I am glad there aren't little ones running around home waiting for me to care for them! (Plus I see kids all day.... I tell others (I have 1000s of children... I just didn't give birth to any of them! LOL!).

I think no matter what happens, you have to accept your decisions and never ever regret them.... just keep thinking things could have gone another way, and then you'd miss out on the life experience you are CURRENTLY having... there is always going to be "the other side", no matter what choice you make.... even if you DIDN'T have a chronic condition to deal with.

 

[Mountaingem]

Yes, my husband and I decided not to have kids. He has Crohn's on his side of the family, too and we saw a geneticist who tested us. The markers for boh of us were high and also showed potential to be a degenerative (read: even worse) form for our children. We went to a children's hospital and talked to some of the parents of kids with Crohn's, and we just decided we couldn't handle it along with dealing with my rollercoaster illness.

Please understand that I'm not advocating it for others, nor do I condemn others who choose differently; but for us it was the right choice.

 

[Jennifer]

Yes, my husband and I decided not to have kids. He has Crohn's on his side of the family, too and we saw a geneticist who tested us. The markers for boh of us were high and also showed potential to be a degenerative (read: even worse) form for our children.

That's interesting. I never thought of doing that. When the time comes for when we're ready to have kids I'd like to try that out as well.

 

[biteyshark]

Yes, unfortunately. My husband and I had a "plan" that including starting TTC at the end of this year, but I'm pretty sure I won't be ready to be pregnant for awhile. Need to get myself healthy first and figure this whole IBD thing out, finish school (hopefully), and get a job to make money to pay our mortgage, doctor bills, etc... so we wouldn't have money for a baby anyway.