Help! Boyfriend with CD and Depression

[vickymushroom]

Hello everyone

Ive been on the internet for hours trying to find some hope and information. I've been with E for 6 months now, and I love him deeply. We've been friends for over 4 years before we started this relationship and I knew that he was very poorly with Crohn's (he's already had to have a substantial amount of intestine removed) and he was receiving treatment for it. Recently he's been getting worse, starting a big course of the steroid Prednisolone which made him irritable, angry and tired owing to his problems sleeping. He's been on the steroids before in the past and explained the side effects to me. I had been taking his behaviour really personally but I quickly got over that, and made sure I wasn't upset by it. However, he's now been receiving a different treatment - the drug Infliximab. Since taking it he's been hit by a massive bout of depression and im pretty sure he has no history of it.

Before i continue, i'll just say that I understand more than most about depression, being diagnosed with it around 5 years ago along with M.E and the lovely side effects of Citalopram.

I keep asking him to open up and talk to me and he keeps saying that he doesnt know what the matter is, he feels no happiness about anything, he wants to be on his own, and nothing can make him feel better. This situation is causing me much agony and heartache. Has anyone else suffered a sudden onset of depression with any of this medication?

I, of course, understand that there is a level of depression within this illness due to the constant battles with the doctors, the will i/wont i go into remission and the horrible disease that it is - but this is way more than a 'Crohn's Depression' as it were.

There is no way I am going anywhere, I love him so much and the Crohns (although he is massively embaressed and upset about it) doesnt change that at all. I would quite happily lay down my life for him and support him any way that i can. I'm very worried that he sees me as a hindrance and that he will get rid of me. He refuses to talk to me about his condition at the moment after reading the prognosis of his new treatment (around half feel no benefit) which i completely understand. His family and I are crossing all our fingers and toes for him but I feel left out, abandoned, and unloved.

Can any sufferers of CD with similar symptoms, or any loved ones of people with CD who have been affected in the same way give me any advice on how to handle or proceed with this matter? I will not let this disease ruin our love.

With love
(sorry for the long post)
Vicky

 

[shazamataz]

Hi vicky and welcome,

It's a hard one because it is true that sometimes when a oerson is sick they get depressed and don;t want to be around other people. However, he could also be feeling like he is a burden to you, even though he isn't from your perspective.

My personal experience of when I get depressed is that I tend to shut the most important people out. I dunno why, I just do. I am not in a relationship, though, and I guess that is a bit different. I suppose all you can really do is talk to him and reassure him how you feel, but also perhaps give him any space he needs?

Meds can definately contribute to depression. I am sure that the majority of my lows since being diagnosed in July have been due to the Pred more than the disease.

Hang in there, he is lucky to have you

 

[imisspopcorn]

Hi
I can speak from personal experience that after being weaned from Prednisone I became depressed. Mix that with physical pain and you have the perfect recipe for deep depression.
He is very lucky to have someone like you who is willing to research this problem.
Is he currently on any anti-depressants? They also help in the gut as we have seretonin receptors in our intestines.
Don't give up. Keep trying. If he is not on meds maybe you can suggest that he speak to his doctors.

 

[vickymushroom]

Hi guys, thanks ever much for your replies. Been feeling really at a loose end regarding this. I think im just scared that he's going to dump me.

Imisspopcorn - he's not on any anti-depressants, im scared to suggest it because he's sort of of the opinion that he doesnt need them. He's depressed but thinks its to do with his life (dead end job, had to give up uni, his band isnt going well) and unfortunetly, he doesnt understand my depression, and depression in general. I am trying so hard! I dont want him to just snap and say GO!

Shazmataz - im pretty sure that it is the meds, after all he's tapering on the Pred and had his first injection of the Infliximab so he's technically taking them both...Oh dear. This is such a struggle, for him and me. He may think that getting rid of me, or hiding from me is a good idea. But I can guarantee there is no one that loves him like i do, and no one who is as perfect together.

I just cannot let this ruin us - first time ive been happy in so long after so many failed and abusive relationships.

This is a transcript of the message he sent me last night:

E: 'Had a dreadful nights sleep, straight to bed, so depressed just want to be on my own'
Me: 'On your own?'
E: Yep.'
Me: 'What does that mean?'
E: 'Just unhappy'

Is this a cry for help? Or a case of him wanting a break/split up?

It's killing me inside - I wish for as happy an ending as we can get.

Thanks again for your input, very helpful. I hope you're both feeling good today

Vicky xx

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hi Vicky I am glad you came on here because there are a few that just joined on say they have the exact problem. In my experience with men, they tend to shut their feelings because they are afraid of the unknown and could be scared you or their partners will dump them in their time of need, which is support. Some like to be left alone, to sort out in their heads what is best for everyone including themselves. No two persons have the same symptoms, however with any disease depression is common. Some meds affect others really bad and some it works for them. Having resections ( I have had two) can really put a damper on your relationships, not just partners but family and friends. Maybe some time away to let him think? Could make all the difference in the world. It is a scary disease. I have my ups and downs too and my husband gives me space and love when I need it. Hang in there, you are a special person, too bad all partners dont stick it out. Welcome!

 

[vickymushroom]

Thanks for the reply Jettalady - i've been given loads of advice by people, but the advice is best from the members on this site. I think im just going to not text him or anything (well, im gonna send him a text tomorrow) and then leave him be. Hopefully he knows im there for him, without hassling him. When he says nothing makes him happy, it makes me cry - why can't i help him?

I will stick it out for as long as he doesnt throw me away

Vicky x

 

[#2asap]

Vickey, Sounds like he has alot to be depressed about. Prednisone tends to change my easy going temperment. I get offensive & defensive where I normally wouldn't. I also get up and down. And that is JUST FROM THE DRUG. To understand you would have have to walk a mile in his shoes.This is complex. When I first went on, I was in a fantasy world. Good luck

 

[shazamataz]

Me butting in again -

I feel you need to just give him some time. Let hom know you are there, but don;t stop trying to contact him. He may ignore you but he will also be please you are trying. That is my experience anyway. Just don;t push him, and keep on loving him!

 

[CentaurCEO]

Shazamataz's last comment was great. I have Crohn's and I have a loving Fiancee. And reading your thread it sounded like you were writing for her not too long ago. I get so depressed and I use to push everyone away because I truly felt like a burden when I was suppose to be a provider. Crohn's can make some people feel inadequate especially men. But Shaz's advice was dead on "Let him know you are there, but don't stop trying to contact him. He may ignore you but he will also be please you are trying. Just don't push him, and keep on loving him!"

It is a delicate balance between Support and Space and on the inside you know your Hun enough to get it right. Just believe in yourself and your relationship.

 

[drew_wymore]

Vicky, I say congrats on being willing to research things and try and help him. It takes a really brave soul to stick things out sometimes. I agree with all that's already been said, Pred can really really mess with you bad. I was a complete ass on it.

I've had to deal with deep depression myself and I can say, backing off won't necessarily help, keep contacting him to let him know you're there for him. As a guy, as has been said, it's very hard to when we're knocked on your butt but this disease and feel as though you can't be a provider and independent and we tend to hold everything in as much as possible so it seems like we have it together even if we really don't.

Again Cheers to you for sticking with it. Maybe mention this site to E and have him come check it out. We're a group of very caring and understanding people who know what he's going through. We also have a couple of couples here who have had to deal with this together so they might be able to offer advice as well.

 

[pewpewlasers]

I'm not so sure about your case but my boyfriend and I recently went through something like this. He was really deppressed and distant and I felt so alone and unloved.
However, he isn't the one that's sick. Men really don't express emotions very well and it takes a lot for them to understand that their deppression hurts the ones that love them when they shut them out.
Have you talked to him and told him how it makes you feel? If I were you, I would tell him (if you haven't already) that you understand that he doesn't want to talk about it, but it hurts you and makes you feel the way you do. Just tell him everything!
When we went through this I just kept it in and it got worse and worse until I just exploded. He finally realized the effect his actions had on me and we have been better than ever!
It also takes a lot of understanding on your part and sometimes you just have to compromise. Relationships are hard work and you have to learn to adapt to certain things.
Men and women are so different from each other and it takes a lot of work sometimes to live in harmony. My man doesn't express his emotions the way I do, but I have learned to know that he still loves me more than anything, he just shows it differently.
I'm not sure about your exact situation though. I'm the one that's sick and when I don't feel well I want lots of attention.
So anyways, just be open and honest and know that he deals with things differently.
BTW, welcome!

 

[Nickyj05]

When I was first diagnosed and going through what I like to call "The Lost Year," I was on PRED and depressed. I would do the same kind of stuff as expressed previously ie; push away the ones I love. I felt like it was a burden on me and everyone else as that cared for me. What I didn't realize is that the people who loved me, loved me no matter what. My suggestion is to get him on this forum or to a counseler so he can talk to someone who has knowledge of what he is going through. Don't crowd him or pester but instead be supportive and let him know that no matter what you will be there for him. If you tell him that you are hurt by his words ect, that would in my opinion make him feel even more depressed because now he is hurting you on top of everything else. Finding the right med's/doc's is key. Once he is in remission, he will be a lot better. Good luck and welcome.

 

[BWS1982]

Men are often just as complex as women, despite the perpetuated myth and contrary examples roaming about that defy this fact (yes there are exceptions, just like there are plenty of simple women), each of us can be unique in how we cope, love, lose, support, dwell, grieve, endure and vent. Societal standards aside, our emotions are ebbing and flowing, just not always the same way or for the same reasons as women have.

Your boyfriend, in my opinion, is likely giving a cry for help (at some level, even subconsciously) by the sound of it, because he loves you and knows you care, and are the very one person who can likely be there for him so he can be aided through this. The best thing you can do is that much: be there for him. Advise him you want to give him the distance he wants but you require he be reminded just how much you love and support him. That way he won't think he's pushed you away whilst you actually are away, and knows that when the time is right, he can let you get closer as needed, he also will know the love is always close and nearby, despite your physical proximity to him. Depression is awful, and nothing feels right, nothing feels like it should, and that can lead to just making it worse, because you lose trust in your feelings, you can't have faith that you are seeing the world through the looking glass you "should" and through the one that you used to. Be his looking glass, view the world how he used to and wants to, and remind him the grass is greener where he stands because you're standing there with him.

Best of luck.

 

[bella_sky]

Vicki you sound like an amazing girlfriend which is so nice to see. I hope that he allows you to help him to improve his moods and do fun things together and continue growing your love. Dont give up! Best of luck to you hun!