Helping a friend

[rhapsody86]

my best friend has crohn's. it's pretty bad I think cause he is on pred and it's no longer doing much for him. I often ask him how he feels (he won't bring it up on his own unless he has reason to- dr's appt, etc.) and I've read books, websites, and stories about this disease to try to figure something out. but when he responds saying he feels awful i just don't know what to say. he's usually happy and a trooper but sometimes the pred puts him in a mood or something else is going on that makes him feel emotionally sick too. I try hard to be happy and strong, especially when he is not but I never know what to say to him. a while ago when he said he wasn't feeling well i didn't know what to say and after a while of me doing nothing he just said something like he understood that I had no clue what to say and that it was ok cause me being there was enough. i felt so terrible when he said that.

well my question is...what can I do for him? how can i support him more? can you guys tell me some things that really help when you're down/not feeling well. thank you all.

 

[Jeff D.]

Thanks you! I wish I had a friend such as you back when I was first diagnosed and when I get a flare up from time to time. My friends understood I was sick but none understood why I couldn't go outside for a long time or hang out at their houses and stuff. I really wish I had someone who just sat by my side besides my parents.

I love how you are trying to help your friend but sometimes words really are not what someone who is sick really wants at the time. I remember I just wanted someone to be by my side and help me along when things got bad and not just say, "You don't look so good, are you okay." When I was keeled over in pain that is not something I wanted to hear so sometimes just sit by his side and tell him funny stories or jokes. Try to not make him more depressed by talking about depressing life. Sometimes a funny youtube sketch could be all that he needs.

Thanks again, best of luck to your friend

 

[rhapsody86]

thanks for your response.

I really try not to be depressing or anything. lots of times i get a little goofy, but sometimes I have to stop because laughing is painful. he's had this for a while so for the most part he's okay enough to laugh and talk but sometimes it hurts alot and he can't, which is understandable, but i still know he wants company instead of being alone.

sometimes when he is very sick I admit i get pretty upset. mostly i can hide it real good so he doesn't know but sometimes i start crying or something. I know that's not helpful at all but i feel so helpless when it comes to this. I try my best to smile, think positive and be patient (especially when pred makes him suddenly angry or very sad). usually the patience part is no problem cause i know it's the meds but the other two sometimes end up not happening every once in a while.

thanks again for responding, I have already thought lots about what you said.

 

[mikeyarmo]

Hello rhapsody86,

I think it is very thoughtful for you to have researched and come here looking for some ways to help your friend out. I am sure your friend really appreciates the effort, even if he can never really say that to you. I am just guessing here, but your friend may not be able to fully communicate with you as he feels that no one can understand what he is going through unless they are going through it themselves. I know I certainly felt it was hard for other people to relate with me, as no one may truly understand what I was going through at that time. Therefore, I think he was being truthful when he said that while you may not know how to help him, just being there is good.

I would think that the major things he would want is to have a normal interaction with you. That may mean talking about mutual friends and interests, or what you would normally talk about if he was feeling good. Unfortunately this places the burden mostly on you to initiate and keep conversations going as he may not want to at all times, but I think he would appreciate the distraction. Being understanding when he is not feeling good is also likely to help. A positive reaction of "thats ok, I had to be leaving soon anyways" if he said he was feeling really bad and wanted to be alone would probably make him at least feel not as bad for making you leave.

The truth is this will not be easy for either of you two. Being truthful with each other and having open communication should help though. Good luck and make sure your friend understands that what he is going through now is likely only temporary, and things can improve very quickly and return pretty much back to normal very fast. If he does not believe that, then he can contact me .

 

[Shoeless]

Yourfriend is lucky. To find someone who cares is rare. I even have a girlfriend who says she just doesn't want to hear anything about it anymore, because your always sick. So be supportive and keep caring

 

[Kev]

Trying to predict what a 'male' wants/needs/expects from you is a challenge at the best of times... let alone when us males are sick. communicating directly is usually not our best suit. And, of course, some folks are better than others when it comes to dealing with sick people. like, some feel that they don't know what to say or do, and end up feeling uncomfortable and awkward. That is just normal. I also know from personal experience that the best intentioned people can find themselves feeling guilt, or fear, or withdrawal; cause 'they' can't fix it.
All of these things can come into play. like, I know as a male I have my mood swings (testosterone, don't you know), and pred can make those go bizarre. But there are also subtle, little differences in the way people behave around me that make matters worse, rather than better. For example, if someone says "Gee, you look terrible, are you feeling worse today?" isn't good to hear when one is trying to forget about their illness for a moment. better to hear "you look a little down in the dumps, anything I can do to cheer you up?" That changes the inflection... like, that is something someone can say to anybody. It can't be (or least is less likely) mis-interpreted as meaning "Are you still sick? I am getting tired dealing with your neverending illness" And sometimes, I can be thinking of something... a sad memory, a bad thought, just in passing.. BUT if it evokes one of those responses from a loved one more reminiscent of what a nurse in ICU might say to a failing patient... then all of a sudden, instead of that sad, non disease related moment, I get a reminder of my health issues + whatever the thing was that had me looking glum, pained, etc., whatever. It just compounds the problem. There is no short course in dealing with disease, but I think there are general support groups who might be able to help you to cope with the prescence of this in your/his life, let you recharge, vent, etc.. It may also prove helpful in providing you tried and true formulas for coping ,etc..
And, sit down and have a serious conversation about this on one of his 'good' days. This disease, like any other, rarely kills, but it can kill relationships. The disease is here for good, and perhaps you too need to 'determine' that you're both going to be there for good.. Bear in mind that he is only human, that its tuff to deal with this disease, and that it will cause times (hopefully short) when coping with the disease for himself, by himself, is all that he's capable of at the moment. Believe me, I've had those... When I simply just didn't have it in me at the time to reach out to anyone, no matter who, no matter why. I just didn't. It is a hard thing to deal with/accept.. doesnt' change the fact that it happens. If I have been of any help, great. If I scared you I'm sorry. If you listen to an old fart like me, then you really do need help, and do so at your own peril, okay?

 

[rhapsody86]

thank you everyone for your responses. they are appreciated.

Kev, I am very greatful for your response because i had been reading you "Prednisone and me" diary and it really helped me understand what my friend is going through. just for clarity, when I ask him how he's doing, he usually factors out the crohn's. when i ask how he is feeling he generally tells me about crohn's, but i only ask him that when he has mentioned not feeling well or when i simply haven't heard anything in a while. btw, we've had that convo before...i've told him that i'm not going to turn on him/walk away because he's sick.

while i don't have the disease myself, i remind myself that it's not like the stomach flu or something...it doesn't go away and is probably alot more painful.

don't worry, Kev you didn't scare me. I've seen him at his worst and he does say alot of things such as he can't take it anymore and he is so tired of always feeling that little ping inside of him...that's REALLY when i don't know how to react but I just try being positive myself and reminding him that i ain't going away and i'm here to help him. just my pathetic attempts to help...:tongue:

thanks again guys.

 

[amor151]

i find when im feeling awful just having someone i no and love around me helps me feel better. my dad never knows what to say but just having him there is a real comfort. you should get your friend to join this site to, its helped me understand the disease more and it can be comforting talking to others with crohns.

ive had times when ive often thought i cant be bothered to face any of my friends and i just want to be alone but i realise now this is often the oppposite of what i need. no matter how low im feeling or how opposed to it i feel, a friend always cheers me up. for instance when i have a couple of days off school due to feeling rough it always helps if i recieve something like a text or email from a mate just to no ive not been forgotten due to something i cannot help, although do not go on about things like are you ok? when will you be better? just keep the conversation on something else.

i feel quite uncomfortable talking about my disease to a friend and when i suffer from stomach pains ive asked my friends to just sit with me and talk about something completely different. even if i cant reply its comforting to hear them babbling on.

the worst thing for me is when my friends start to get depressed by the disease or feel sorry for me. i know its difficult to stay upbeat when talking to someone rolling around on the floor in agony but i find it really does help.

try and get your friend to join crohnsforum it may help him to talk to others with the same illness. hope ive been a bit of assistance and i hope crohns doesnt affect your friendship.

 

[rhapsody86]

thanks amor you've really cleared some things up for me. from now on I will make sure i'm always upbeat when i know he's having trouble.

also i made up my mind a long time ago that crohn's was not getting in the way of our friendship....could never ever let that happen.