I dunno if this is depression.. Im having a breakdown

[Dereksmagic]

I have been having a really hard time dealing with my emotions, I dont really know if this is depression or anxiety. But I feel like its finally hitting me that I really cant do anything beacuse of my condition. I keep wanting to do things and i get really excited about it, but then quickly realize that it wont work because of my condition. Or ill get really interested in doing something, and then lose interest by the end of the day, I just get over it, and it doesn't sound fun anymore.
For instance, Iv been feeling like I need to get away for a while, try and clear my head, so I thought it would be a good idea to go visit some family for a few days, My cousin lives about a 7 hour drive away from me, and I figured it would be great to get out of the house and go see him, plus I have always liked long drives, they give me time to think so i figured id try and get out and do something, but then now i realize that it wont work, I wouldn't even be able to make the drive up there. What if I start cramping while driving, or my back start to spasm out? Ill have to keep using the bathroom, and there is like a 4 hour stretch of nothingness on the way there, what if need to go to the bathroom? Im not going to **** on the side of the road. So obviously that plan is a no-go.
I have been sitting around designing new shows (I'm a performer, well, use to be - I was a magician) and I keep wanting to get out to maybe like an open mic night, or try and do some charity work to test out the new material, but then I realize that I cant even get out of bed still, plus im on too much pain killers and **** to really do anything, my days have been getting worse. I do nothing all day but just lay in bed and mope around the house. If I try and do anything I feel sweaty, clammy, nauseous, and just overall feel like **** even trying to leave the house.
I just keep wanting to DO all this stuff, get back to work, get OUT, have a life, just DO SOMETHING, but I can't. And it feels like its been forever, and its going to last forever.

Then I try and find things I can get into to occupy my time, keep me close to a bathroom, and that I think will work with my condition.. Like getting out and joining a bowling league, start playing video games, maybe take up that really addicting computer game "world of warcraft", or go buy some remote control airplanes and start flying them around... Just ANYTHING.. and I lose interest in it just as fast as I can think of them... Like this morning, I got all excited about playing air soft (kinda like paintball).. I was exited because its fun, its indoors (I dont do well in the sun, I get sick) there are bathrooms very close by, its close to my house, Its cheap, and its something that might get me a little active, and give me a little bit of a workout... so I was all gung-ho over it this morning, and by this time tonight... im like, over it. Completely lost interest. When I thought about it this morning, it sounded so exciting, and now I think about it and it just sounds dumb, and I probably would end up feeling like **** after 5 min of playing... ****, I felt sick and nauseous after wiping down the leather inside my car last night.
I just had a breakdown, and I dont know if this depression, anxiety, or what? - All i know is I feel like I have nothing, do nothing, and have no one. I dont talk to any friends anymore, literally i only talk to 1 person, and I only see him maybe once every 2-3 weeks, my girlfriend cheated on me (I have another post about that in the venting section) so Im not really talking to her anymore, plus we havnt been getting along since i got out of the hospital, so its not like shes been any help emotionally through all of this anyway. I cant get out and perform anymore, I cant do anything athletic... ****.. i cant do anything that requires me to move too much at all, I get sick in the sun.. Im on a bunch of pain killers, Its hard to sleep at night, I even take ambian and only manage to get maybe 4 hours of sleep. I feel like I have no one to talk to, nothing to do, nowhere to go, I feel alone, and just downright miserable. and anytime I DO get an idea for something it's quickly smashed by the realization that I cant do it because of my condition. Iv been flared since I got out of the hospital 4 months ago. and literally have been bed-ridden since then. I really am starting to lose hope, and I feel like im going to be stuck like this forever and end up amounting to nothing. Im going to be a 30 year old, jobless, wanna-be magician entertainer living at his parents house ****** up all day on painkillers and all these ******* drugs the doctors have me on which are probably doing more harm than good. and what? My pass time is going to be playing a ******* online computer game cus its the only thing I can do without physically feeling like ****?

And the whole GF thing.. How the hell am I suppose to meet someone, and even if I do, who would wanna be with someone like me? So what, I forgive my girlfriend out of necessity? (She's begging me to come back to her, plus were in a lease together, but iv been staying at my parents house for the last 6 days since i found out she cheated on me when i got out of the hospital)
I had a lot going for me until I got this ******* disease, and now I feel like a ******* loser with nothing left in his life, or his future.

It it common to feel like this?

 

[Grumbletum]

Hi Dereksmagic
I am really, really sorry to hear what you are going through. The short answer to your question is yes, depression, anxiety etc are very common in IBD sufferers. It is very hard to get your head round something which takes over to the extent that it can do.
The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. There are many, many people here who can identify and sympathise with what you are going through.
Have you talked to your doctors about this? It might be an idea - they may suggest ways for you to cope with your feelings and situation at the moment.
In the US, there is also the CCFA which is a support organisation for sufferers of IBD. They have a really good website that I recommend having a look at. On it they have lists of supports groups and there might be one in your area.
I understand your frustration. I spent a couple of years firmly attached to my couch and hot water bottle. I haven't been to the mainland to visit my family in 3 years because it's such a long journey there and I wasn't it up to it and afraid I might have a toilet accident. ( Actually, I'm supposed to be travelling today but the ferry is delayed cos of a technical fault and bad weather. )
When I was reading about your magic, I was thinking maybe you could do some videos and put them up on YouTube, or would that not work without a live audience.
It can be very hard to see light at the end of the tunnel sometimes and most people go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Hang in there and stick with us - we'll all do what we can to help.

 

[Ya noy]

You've had a lot hit you all at once. Of course you're depressed, and the feelings you're having right now are not only common, but normal. The possibility of feeling any other way is virtually inconceivable. Right now it feels like it will last forever, but that's just how it feels right now. It really will get better.

Have you considered seeing a counselor? It would give you someone to talk to and work through all the anxiety and other emotions you've been experiencing. Is that a possibility?

:hug:

 

[SarahBear]

Hi, Derek. How are you feeling now? Has anything changed for you?

It is normal to feel this way when you're sick, absolutely. But you can keep trying more treatment options (new medications, combinations of medications, diet alterations, etc.) and hopefully find something that works. Things definitely seem bleak, but keeping up hope can make a big difference - and there is reason to stay hopeful! How long have you been diagnosed, and what treatment plans have you tried?

As far as the girlfriend situation, what did you decide? You shouldn't stay with her just because you're worried you won't meet someone else. Hopefully, you'll be able to get your health under control soon and get back out and have fun and meet people. There are a lot of people who don't have any problems being with someone who has health problems. Many other forum members are in long-lasting relationships and their health isn't an issue at all.

:hug: I hope you're feeling better!

 

[Hope345]

Derek,

Sending lots of support your way.
My heart goes out to you and I agree with trying other meds to find something that can work.

What about Remicade? Have you tried juicing at all? probiotics?

Dont give up, we are all here to support you and help you any way we can.

You are the same person you were before all this happened, and you deserve a very loving caring person in your life.

 

[KayleighMeek]

Just wanted to add what others have said dont give up even though it feels like there is nothing at the moment it won't always feel that way.
Like others have said I have been in a similar situation being sick and having something big happen in your life I think it's kind of normal to go through something like this, even though it doesn't feel normal. The turning point for me was going to my Gp and telling her how I was feeling and that I wasn't coping and she said along the lines of well of course your not coping you have been through a lot. This made me feel like it was ok to feel the way I was, yes I had been through a real **** time and it stopped me feeling guilty about it. I was then put on anti-depressants even though at first I didn't want to (I was scared they would change the person I am) they were great and made me feel like me again. Anyway that's just my personal experience but maybe it would be worth speaking to a dr and see if they could help you.
Sorry if you have this in another thread but have you seen your GI recently to see if you can get this anymore under control? X

 

[darster]

Hi Derek,
The people on this forum are super supportive, I hope it helps to know that there are people who care about how you feel. You mentioned taking ambien. Do you take it regularly? It can cause feelings of depression, anxiety, aggression, agitation, confusion, unusual thoughts, changes in personality, or thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
Darcy

 

[soccermom081105]

Hi Derek,

I am sorry that you are going through this, And yes I do think its Depression with Anxiety. I am the same way at times well most of the times. I get angry too and take it out on the people I love. I have starte to see a counselor too. I just started that recently but it does seem to help. Now I am currently have some issues with other health problems. So I may be forced to look into disability which I dont want too,

hang in there you are not alone for sure