I feel I am a burden on my family..I hate me right now.

[social me]

I have always had mornings that are tough. I tend to me more nauseate in the am and also tired. I am on sleeping meds as well as meds for anxiety and depression. I am usually lethargic in the am and by 4 pm start feeling better by 9 I am ready to go and have energy which is horrible because my kids and husband need me during the day. It leaves me feeling like I am letting my family down. I had went into remission for 3 months over the summer but 2 weeks ago I started sliding down hill again. This summer was the first time since my son was born (he turns 4 on thursday) I was able to help me husband who is also sick around the house, I was able to do activities with the family and play with my kids. I could do grocery shopping and cook all things I love to do for them. I had even felt well enough that I would keep my son with me on Tues and Fridays from school. I had enrolled him in piano and wanted to work with him on educating him and just spending time together.
Because most of his life I have been sick we havent been able to build the bond I had hoped for. He is very close to my husband and so being able to have tues and fridays with him were so exciting to me to feel well enough for the first time to do that and start getting closer to him..hes a daddy's boy. However it only lasted 3 months before symptoms of crohns started showing itself. Since then I have had 2 ER visits and 1 hospital stay. I am back to feeling tired, lethargic an most of all a loss of hope and I feel a burden on my family. It upsets me because I am capable just not able. I see all my friends involved in activities with their children and I can't do that. Because of the flare up My son now spends Tues and thurs with his grma. I had to cancel piano and swim lessons which makes me feel I am cheating my children from learning and experiencing so much because I am ill. Its not fair to my husband or children and it leaves me hating myself. I feel they deserve better. This summer I was able to overcome my fear and prove to myself I am a capable and wonderful mother. I am starting to have anxiety and feeling depressed again. All I have ever wanted to do is be a mother who is loving and nurturing and give my children oppurtunities in life. My childhood was horrible in and out of homes due to abuse by step father and my mom choose to stay with him so I went to live with my granparents. So my life was going to be dedicated to raising my children in a healthy loving home as well as fostering children. Now we are no longer able to foster anymore, cant watch my own children and am on disability so I can't work. I am only 38 but feel I live in the body of a 70 year old with the numerous doc apt and limitations that have been set on me. It hurts my heart so much..Why, right now I should be with my son but he is at his grmas. I sit here knowing what I am capable of but unable and I want to scream, give up, run,just leave my family so they could have a mom that would be there for them, to give them and my husband what they deserve a mom and wife who is involved and capable. Instead of a mom that lies in bed or is sick much otf the time. I had 3 great months and now a flare up. It came on so sudden and I have no idea why? I have changed my entire lifestyle to do everything in my power to stay healthy. 2 weeks ago I was fine then down hill I feel. Never imagined this I have only had crohns since March and I didnt know it could kreep up so suddenly. Its humiliating to have my son and daughter see their mom in bed while their friends mothres take them to soccer, music lessons, dance etc. I had that set up but since I am ill I have had to vancel that, which isnt fair to them. I hurty so bad inside and feel I will never get better. It was almost worse to have that hope and feeling healthy again only to have it short lived. I guess I just needed to vent. I am so ashamed and hate that I am loosing time everyday with my children and soon my son will be in kindergarten and I will have lost his baby years. I just want to give up sometimes. I am so lonely and hopless right now. Thanks for listening. :depressed:

 

[jamiehodge]

I was depressed for a long time after I got Crohns" (9 years ago now) but it made my crohns so much worse!!! The worrying, the stress, the depression I know it is hard to overcome but it sounds like you have an amazing husband that stands by you and two wonderful kids. I always tell my husband that I am trying to stay in a positive bubble and nothing is going to get me down.
In saying all of that your health is number 1 and you need to find an amazing doctor to put you on the right path to recovery whatever that may be. I am on Humira and it is working amazingly for me.
You deserve to happy.. Crohns' is not a fair disease, like many others, but we are only dealt cards that we can handle and we are all here for you when you need to vent. You are not the only one but my only advice is to do everything in your power to get healthy and get out of bed and stay as positive as you can.. force yourself to be happy. when I am having a bad day I come to my job at a seniors home and I am forced to be happy with them and all of a sudden I am just happy!! Find those things that make you happy, I know you are tired but you have to, have to force yourself to stay positive because it will become a vicious circle of getting sicker with your stress.
No matter what you think your family is not better off without you.. I promise!!! They need you even if you aren't healthy they still need you...

I wish you the very best and hope things get better!!

 

[muppet]

The family that would actually consider you a burden is rare and awful and wouldn't deserve you. I seriously doubt that any of them feel this way.

Crohn's is a cyclical disease and will come and go. More go than come once you get the hang of things.

You'll also build up a bit of a tolerance to it as years go on and won't become bed-bound quite so often as you did in the beginning, as long as you stand up to your disease and don't let it roll over you.

 

[social me]

thanks everyone, for your kind thoughts I am trying hard to stay positive. So I will hope it doesn't get as bad as when I was first diagnosed. SO happy to have this, helps me feel I have people who understand.

 

[mikeyarmo]

Hi Social Me,

Based on what I read, you have nothing to feel bad for in my opinion. Just by having the thoughts that you have it shows that you are a caring and committed mother and wife that your family is lucky to have. I am sorry to read that you had trouble in your childhood, but it seems to me that you have done all you can given the circumstance for your family. You may not have provided everything you wished you could have provided to your son (believe me, I am far from achieving all I want in pretty much every aspect of my life!) but just by having concern for your son you are being a better parent than unfortunately many children have.

It seems to me that you have done whatever you reasonably could do to try and control your condition. I hope you can appreciate that and accept that you are not in control of what symptoms you feel and when they occur. You can not beat yourself up for being in bed and I am sure your family loves you for all that you do do for them.

We of course understand your experience and where your thoughts are coming from as we have all gone through similar thoughts ourselves .

Hang in there!

 

[veryfishdie]

Hi, i am 21 and was diagnosed with crohns a year ago, i understand very little about it however i am having massive complications with depression also. i cant offer any advice as such as this is the first time in my life i have ever felt depression. i am currently taking steroids and pentassa to treat my crohns as i cant take the preventative medicine because i havent had chicken pox before and i cant stay well enough to get a chicken pox vaccine, therefore they are considering removing the part of my intestine that is currently infected, this at the moment is the only thing keeping me going with the depression, because i understand that this is fairly common for people with crohns and can have extremely positive results. i am quite fortunate that i work for my parents so they understand that i am ill however they dont quite understand the tiredness element and the depression, and i dont quite no how to tell them, i sit around at work not wanting to do anything and then after work, i go and sit in my room, i have broken up with my girlfriend, who desperately wants me back but all i want to do is be on my own because i just dont feel like i want anything right now, i have also quit any hobbies i was doing, the only thing that i can summon up enough motivation to do is go out with my friends and get extremely drunk because then for that night im not quite so depressed and i forget how bad things are, but then i feel ill for ages afterwards and i know it has done me no good what so ever and then i am back to spending my time in bed. i feel incredibly selfish for wanting to drink but i cant seem to feel as though i want anything else than to forget about things and how all i want to do is push people away. i am just hoping that things do get easier, and i hope that they do for you to, i agree with the others, it sounds like you have a fantastic husband and children and as hard as it is, like me and missing my girlfriend, that should be your motivation every morning. i wish you all the best. sorry that there wasnt any advice, but it helped me to read your story and understand that it is part of the illness and i thought you might like something to relate to, im sure it gets better though, we just have to be a little patient.

 

[vickyhunter]

I've had crohn's for almost 12 years and I still worry sometimes - but I agree with what the others have said, you kind of do build up a tolerance and it does get better.
I try not to think too far ahead as this used to get me worried and a bit sad so I just take each day at a time now and focus on the positive.
Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and lovely children. And honestly your children would never be embarrassed of you being in bed - they love you!
Take care
xxxxxxxxx

 

[bamboling]

Thank you for posting your thoughts. I am going through the same thing. I am 21 and not diagnosed yet, but Crohn's doesn't seem far off. I feel like I am 70 sometimes. I have doctor's appointments posted everywhere. I have no energy. It takes me a while after standing up to walk straight due to sore joints. My medicine cabinet is full of weird stuff. I just want my life back! I am on pills for depression, but just 10 minutes ago I broke down because my husband needs work clothes and I wasn't able to put them in the washer. He cooks, cleans, and takes wonderful care of me. I feel so helpless sometime! I am always in pain and can't be far away from a toilet at anytime. I look around at a life going on without me while I sleep or lay on a heating pad doped up on pain pills.

But my husband loves me, my family loves me, and they would do anything for me, down to wiping my arse if I needed it.

I guess I just needed to vent also.

 

[social me]

:hug:I am sorry it is so late to respond but I will send a message to Vicky and thank you for your kind words. Bamboling. Wow ..we are living the same lives. I told my husband I want my life back I feel like I am in the body of a 70 year old and I am 38. Docs up the wazoo, treatments, infusions, blood tests, ER visits, Scans and colonoscopy, well the last goes on. I too cry in bed as I watch my family leave for the library or park without me on a saturday morning and I am left alone, wanting with all of my being just to be healthy so I can feel apart of my family instead of feeling like an outsider looking in. It;s horribly painfull and that makes the depression and anxiety so much worse. It's a vicious cycle. Please I am a social worker I am on disabilty and can't work makes me sad because I love to help others and just listen. I am always here if you need to talk to someone who understands what your going through.

Everyone you are so kind to me and I wanted to let you know I am feeling better, I told myself one day at a time and try how to focus on what I can do, despite how small. But yes, at times the sadness does creep in. I would be lost without this site and the wonderful support I recieve from all of you! Good night. Janet