I need some honesty

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confused boyfriend

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Hi,
I have been dating a 24 year old girl with Crohns, ulcerative colitis, and celiac disease on and off for a little over a year. I do not understand what her longterm health outlook is. All things aside, I am not sure if I want to emotionally commit to this girl because of this. She is developing feelings for me and I feel that I need to be educated so i can be honest to myself if I want to continue this relationship. I am 33 years old and divorced, and I look at women I date as possible life partners.
some questions/fears:
I don't know what our sex life would be like if she needed surgery. Can anyone tell me how this affected their sex life?
Also, I know she is currently taking 400 mg of asacol daily. She says this is very expensive. I am afraid that if we ever got married I could be saddled with the responsibility of paying for expensive medication and/ or surgery.
thanks for the responses
-confused boyfriend
 
I dunno, but don't you think if you are already considering dropping her if the sex isn't good or you would need to help for medical costs, you might not be comitted enough to be with her...I mean...you're asking how much her meds would cost?...idk but ..that doesn't sound very comitted to me sorry to say. If you decide to be with her, then she is your responsibility I would think no. You asked for honesty so.
 
Your right I'm not ready to commit without knowing where this could possibly be going. If my wife developed health issues after I married her, I would accept it and be there for her. Its another thing to make a conscious decision to get into a serious relationship with someone who has these health issues. I realize I probably sound shallow for asking a question like this but I really just want to know what I am getting myself into.
 
I appreciate the fact that you don't want to have her develop further feelings if you're not interested in really taking this to the next step. I think that's admirable. I also think you deserve to know what potentially your future would be like if you were to be together.

That being said, it seems like your concerns (sex and money) wouldn't be MY top concerns if I really cared for someone. However, to answer your question honestly, unfortunately there is no true answer. Everyone's case is different. She coud be symptom free for years and you'd lead a totally "normal" life. Or she could be in and out of the hospital and in no mood for sex. Sorry I can't be more helpful.
 
hlmurray99 said:
I appreciate the fact that you don't want to have her develop further feelings if you're not interested in really taking this to the next step. I think that's admirable. I also think you deserve to know what potentially your future would be like if you were to be together.
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This is exactly what i am trying to convey with this thread. thank you for reading it as I meant for it to be understood.
 
You're essentially asking for someone to tell your fortune (and hers).

But in the honesty vein. If I overheard my girlfriend asking those sorts of questions I'd be the one ending the relationship as clearly we wouldn't quite feel the same about one another.
 
While I am absolutely the last person who should give relationship advice, I will tell you this; as a 25 year old woman with severe crohn's disease, the only time sex was ever a problem would be when I had an extremely painful abscess. I would say if you have good sexual relationship now, chances are the disease won't stand in the way, and if it does, it would probably only be for short periods of time while recovering from surgeries, etc.

As far as financial issues go, if she is employed, insured, and currently taking care of her own problems, then I wouldn't worry. Of course I don't know her, she could be one of the co-dependent types who will be in a relationship just for financial security, only you can determine whether she would place the financial burden on you. Besides, if you are truly looking for a life partner, one of the characteristics of life is aging and, unfortunately, becoming sick eventually.

Some other issues you should probably consider (if you haven't already) would be children. If neither of you want children, that's great, and you should be vigilant about contraceptive. If you do want children, there are a million factors to consider because this can be complicated with chronic illnesses.

You should also be clear on what you BOTH expect from a partner. Once again, I don't know her, but if she is anything like most people with these diseases, she is probably often very fatigued. So if you're expecting a Susie homemaker to cook and clean up after you, you may be barking up the wrong tree. The same holds true for her, you need to know what she expects from you, and decide if you can meet eachother's expectations.

If you are having serious doubts about whether it is worth the trouble, then you might want to do some soul searching and figure out if it might be better to end things before more feelings get involved and more feelings get hurt.

Wish you the best of luck.
 
I think your questions are fair. When I met the woman who is now my wife, I made it abundantly clear what the situation is as I didn't want to mislead her. When she accepted my proposal for marriage, she was also accepting uncertainty as I had some additional undiagnosed health issues. I wouldn't have faulted her in the least for not continuing our relationship once I educated her. It's not something everyone is willing to take on and that doesn't make you a bad person. If you do commit and then bail if the going gets rough, that DOES make you a bad person.

As stated by others, her disease may be easily controlled and she leads a mostly normal life. Or the opposite can happen. Read the stories here. You'll see stories of remission and stories full of horror. It's a very uncertain disease.
 
Honestly, at risk of sounding a bit silly, ask her? I am of course not a relationship expert by any means, so please anyone correct me if I'm wrong.

It's a serious issue, and I am sure she understands that, and I am SURE she expects you to have some worries about it. Honestly, if you are seriously considering a relationship, show a bit of guts and risk sounding an idiot not to strangers here on the internuts, but to her.

Tell her your honest worries, of course they are sensitive issues, but you're feeling them. It'll probably be a tough conversation, but if you can't have it, in my opinion you have two choices: Genuinely accept that there might be issues in your life together that are caused by said illness, or break up.

I'm not going to say 'it shouldn't matter, true love conquers all', fuck yeah it'll matter. Deal with your feelings about it now, or it will remain a problem and nobody will be the best for it.
 
I agree with those above me. Before you plan on getting terribly serious these are items the two of you should discuss.

The challenge that we all face on here isn’t for the faint of heart. I know at least a couple of guys who probably couldn’t have coped with everything that I’ve been facing. But, I’ve been very blessed with a husband who’s been willing to take this challenge with me.

If you’re already asking yourself these questions, then this may not be for you. But, if you find that you love this girl enough then you’ll be willing to stay with her no matter what. In a marriage, sex and money aren’t everything although, money can be pretty nice. The important thing is to have your best friend standing with you especially when the going gets tough. Good luck.
 
Hmmm, well Asacol can be expensive, having RX benefits can help with the cost a lot...sex is different for each IBDer and can be with each flare, it simply depends on what all symptoms are going on at the time...just so you know, some women that don't even have an IBD (crohn's or ulcerative colitis) or any other "health issues" may not enjoy sex or have pains during sex (we're all built different).

My best advice to you is read up on IBD and educate yourself with it asap and as much as possible...this is clearly a double-edge sword for you right now...imagine what concers she has as well...but the bottom line is, you may not be the right person for her afterall, no worries, she'll likely find the right person for her (as I'm sure you will too), so just don't take up too much of her valuable time either...regardless of her health issues, it's still a 2 way street and regardless of her health issues, I'm sure she'd rather be with someone that can handle it when the going gets rough (health and money aren't the only issues in relationships) and not be with someone that leans towards being on the flakey side....not trying to be rude...just sayin' it like it is...from her perspective as well.

Honestly, I've been with my hubby for decades (before CD) and he struggled in the beginning with it just as I did, of course who wouldn't in reality....it's a big change/adjustment and to tell you the truth if something were to ever happen to him before me, I dont even know that I would waste my time looking for a new relationship cuz my biggest fear is that there are more "flakes" out there than there are strong and confident people. It says a lot about a person that compares pros and cons to a possible relationship with someone over actual feelings...you kinda make it sound like you're deciding on how to invest in stocks or something. Just my opinion of course.
 
If this guy was in true love with this girl, then none of her health issues would be a problem.
Goodness, you just dont know what your getting with someone who has a chronic illness!
God forbid he chooses someone who is healthy and develops an illness.

The whole thing doesnt sit comfortably with me. I dont think she should commit to you. Its not like your buying a car or house.
I would be really upset if someone felt the need to do a review on me before they signed up.
 
deb123 said:
If this guy was in true love with this girl, then none of her health issues would be a problem.
Goodness, you just dont know what your getting with someone who has a chronic illness!
God forbid he chooses someone who is healthy and develops an illness.

The whole thing doesnt sit comfortably with me. I dont think she should commit to you. Its not like your buying a car or house.
I would be really upset if someone felt the need to do a review on me before they signed up.
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Hey now, no need for that. He has concerns over a serious issue, perhaps the way he stated it is a little less than sensitive, but he came to learn about it so he would know what he was getting himself into before he got into a relationship. Much better, I think, then diving in blindly and finding out later that it is more than he can handle.
 
I have been blessed with an amazing and supporting husband who has stood by my side throughout my Crohn's flares and remissions. I have had five surgeries and now have an ileostomy and my husband and I have no problems with our sexuality since he loves me for who I am not what health issues I have and vice versa.

The human body (man and woman) is not invincible so when two people commit to each other in marriage it should be assumed that we will not have the same body and life that we once had in the beginning of our relationship as when we started together...we simply help, support, and love each other through each step and phase of life together.

Sometimes couples are both going through health problems at the same time, and sometimes at different times...marriage is a lifelong commitment and looking at the negatives instead of the positives makes for a long and unhappy marriage.

I understand your reasoning to find answers to your questions so you can feel better about your commitment. It is important for ANY marriage to understand fully the complete overview of what is really expected from a committed marriage. I was previously married when I was very young and didn't fully understand what I was getting myself into, so it prepared me for my current marriage so I could understand the importance of getting it right and understanding what my own expectations were so I could have a successful, loving, and committed marriage. Communication is essential as well as respect. Talking with your partner at some point is inevitable so your on the right track by asking questions so you can be better prepared to understand her situation so you can both talk about your concerns.

My husband and I are happily married now for 18 years and every trial and hardship has strengthened our commitment and respect for each other and we have become the best of friends in our partnership. In the beginning my husband had doubts like yourself, but as time went on we have both been able to support each other in our biggest needs and God has blessed us with three handsome boys who are doing well. I realize that everyone's situations are different, so everyone has to make their own choices based on the information they have. So the more you understand about your partner the better and more informed decision you can make.

I wish you well in your understanding and pursuit of finding the right match for your committed relationship and hope that you will not miss out on the person God has made for you because of health issues no matter who it is...cause you never know when you are the one in need of support from the one you love when you are suffering from health or other trials placed in your path unexpectedly. I don't think anyone ever asks for problems, but if you find the right partner who is willing to help problem solve and work through trials as a couple, then your chances of making it as a couple increase significantly. Best wishes!
 
Sex and money issues in a relationship are genuine concerns for EVERYBODY, even though most people don't want to admit it.

Lots of great words have already been spoken here, but I want to add the need for consideration of the emotional side of any chronic disease. That can be a huge factor on making or breaking a relationship. Even if both of you are quiet reserved people, the silent suffering can be just as stressful as the suffering of the vocal partner ("the whiner"). Patience is huge. No one can be patient all of the time, but do you think you could handle the severe down time as well as the times of remission? This goes for any chronic illness, not just IBD. Is she able to express herself well or does she hold her feelings and needs inside. That can be just as destructive.
 
I have a 16 year old daughter with crohns and an older perfectly healthy daughter. Ironically right after Chloe's diagnosis, my older daughter started liking a guy with severe crohns. For her it was a friendship with a crush but for him, well, he was "in love" and right out told her she was the one for him and he wanted to someday get married. We asked our daughter to seriously consider everything that this relationship would bring if she chose to pursue it. The thing is, our older daughter wants desperately to be a missionary in a foreign country. She wants to travel to crazy places, eat weird things and live a simple life helping people. She's currently finishing a two year degree but has plans for her first trip to Africa just as soon as she can get it worked out. She's restless and eager to be everywhere but here. The guy that feels like he loves her has struggled with crohns since he was 7 years old. He's a very sweet, funny person and has developed a hilarious sense of humor that has gotten him through some very tough times. However he cannot live far from a hospital and has to be very cautious traveling. He can totally live a fulfilling, happy life but it will have to be here where he can get the regular medical care that he needs. We asked our daughter to think about the life she would have with this guy. It wouldn't be the life she had imagined for herself. She would have to live conventionally, have a full time job, carry the insurance (if he couldn't work). Honestly she also had to think about children. She herself is at an increased risk for crohns which means her children are too. If she has children with someone who has crohns the odds are even better that they would have crohns. It's not that she couldn't be happy with a different life but it is important to think about what you want out of your life and whether the path you choose is going to get you there. Chloe got crohns handed to her, my older daughter would be choosing it. In the end she chose to tell the guy that she wanted to just be friends. She explained what she wanted to do with her life and he acknowledged that those are things he couldn't do. He tried to persuade to live a life here with him. I don't think he completely understands what he would be asking her to do.
I often think about what I want for Chloe someday when she gets married. I do want the person she marries to completely understand what she has and what she needs. They need to be willing to share the burden of crohns with her until there is a cure. It's a sacrifice that someone who falls in love with her her would have to be willing to make. We don't ever know what life is going to hand us. You couldn't marry a perfectly healthy person who then got sick. All you can do is make the best decision for yourself with the knowledge you currently have. I don't think that you are being shallow at all.
 
Confused Boyfriend,

First of all, I have to say I'm with you here and I am a woman who just found out she has Crohn's. I think partly it's perspective (I was married for 17 years and went through at the end of that because of the very things you've brought up) and partly it's personality (I thought through everything before I got married at 21). Having said that, I'm going to be completely honest and blunt with you (because that's my personality and because you asked for blunt honesty).

1. Crohn's is a chronic disease that varies widely between people both in symptoms and long term outlook. It isn't so simple that you can look at one person or a group of people and know what will happen with this woman. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You need to sit this woman down and say something like, "We've been seeing each other for a long time and I'd really like to understand your Crohn's and what this means to you now and in the future. What have the doctors told you?" You also have to remember that there is a big difference between statistical outlooks and how a paticular person is doing. She may be in long term remission and responding well to medicine that she uses completely consistently and that can influence her odds of having complications. I think it's fair to bring this up to her at this stage and if you sound like you want to understand, she has no reason not to tell you.

2. Sex - well let's be honest here, if she has to have surgery at some point, it's probably going to mean some changes or downtime. On the other hand, you could pick something up, get a hernia and need surgery which will have the same result. You could also have prostate problems or other things like heart disease (told you I'm blunt) and God knows that will affect it. Actually, to be perfectly blunt, the chances are pretty good that one of those types of things is going to happen to you. (What can I say? I'm older and I think about this stuff when I'm dating guys my age.) You need to be realistic about this on both sides to make an informed decision. But, I appreciate your concern because I have the same concerns when I date.

3. Money - Now I'm going to be brutally honest based on my own experience. Life happens and I found this out the hard way. It doesn't matter how careful you are or how good the person is, it can all go down the tubes in a hurry and everything you've worked for can get taken from you very quickly. Marriage is a legal contract that means you are legally responsible for the other person. Yes, you need to be aware of this with any disease because the person can lose their job and their insurance over this (and they just as likely might not) and if you haven't put them on your own insurance through work, you are legally responsible for the bills. Even if you did that, you could lose your job, lose your insurance and be in the same boat. By the same token, she could be fine and you could be driving down the road, get hit by a drunk driver with no insurance or assets and become a quadrapelegic. Or, she could be fine and you could get cancer or need heart bypasses. To be honest, we don't see much of that concern on here but you never know and there are no guarantees. I honestly understand your concern here because I came >< this close to losing everything over illness (not my own but my husband's) and that person's refusal to deal with it (I won't get into it more because it will get us off track). That was enough for me to get a divorce and say, "Never make it legal." But, I do want you to be honest with yourself because you can make yourself crazy over something that doesn't have very high odds of happening. You also lose perspective that this can happen to you as well as the other person.

Obviously you are considering this woman or you wouldn't even take the time to ask. You are worried and you should be. This is a disease that requires knowledge to understand it and manage it. Anyone who gets into a relationship with a person with Crohn's needs to be educated and make a decision to be a partner in that. It just makes sense. You deserve to make a good and informed decision and she needs to be with someone who is going to be supportive.

So please start by talking to her. You can do this without making her think it's a commitment. Even a friend is eventually going to ask what is going on and how is that going to affect the person over time.

Best of luck to both of you.
 
Honesty? Alright.

I think this is very unfair to her. I can't imagine how upset I would be if I found out my boyfriend were considering breaking it off with me because of my health. This is primarily because, 1) I hope that Crohn's disease is not his first thought when imagining a future with me and 2) he could just as easily become sick at any point in time, and I would absolutely stand by him no matter the financial problems or sexual issues it may cause. We all have much more to offer than medical bills and sex.

Also, if you don't feel comfortable discussing it with her, that's probably not a good sign, either. She can tell you more about her condition and possibilities for her future than anyone here can.

It's wonderful that you're concerned about hurting her, but I find it troubling that it's her health that's causing this. I hope there's more to it than that. And once again, to be completely honest - if you do decide to end it, I certainly wouldn't let her know that her health had anything to do with it. A lot of people diagnosed with a chronic illness are afraid of this very situation - that they'll find someone they really want to be with, and that person doesn't want to / can't deal with their health problems. I hate for that to happen to anyone, and I hate for her to be afraid of getting close to anyone for fear of a repeat situation.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, but I'm sure it's a touchy subject with a lot of others, too.
 
It's not her fault she has this disease :( Sigh, I want to cry reading your concerns because it is all of our worst fears that someone can't learn to love us and look past our condition. Every relationship has issues whether they are mental or physical or both. We have to decide what kind of person we are and make that decision. I only hope that one day you don't come down with something that is completely not your fault and someone runs away and breaks your heart.

I had a man I was dating before my WONDERFUL husband now call me damaged goods. It scarred me for life and I have been forever insecure about my Crohn's. You take care on the way you let her down. This is so tragic.
 
lsampson said:
I have been blessed with an amazing and supporting husband who has stood by my side throughout my Crohn's flares and remissions. I have had five surgeries and now have an ileostomy and my husband and I have no problems with our sexuality since he loves me for who I am not what health issues I have and vice versa.

The human body (man and woman) is not invincible so when two people commit to each other in marriage it should be assumed that we will not have the same body and life that we once had in the beginning of our relationship as when we started together...we simply help, support, and love each other through each step and phase of life together.

Sometimes couples are both going through health problems at the same time, and sometimes at different times...marriage is a lifelong commitment and looking at the negatives instead of the positives makes for a long and unhappy marriage.

I understand your reasoning to find answers to your questions so you can feel better about your commitment. It is important for ANY marriage to understand fully the complete overview of what is really expected from a committed marriage. I was previously married when I was very young and didn't fully understand what I was getting myself into, so it prepared me for my current marriage so I could understand the importance of getting it right and understanding what my own expectations were so I could have a successful, loving, and committed marriage. Communication is essential as well as respect. Talking with your partner at some point is inevitable so your on the right track by asking questions so you can be better prepared to understand her situation so you can both talk about your concerns.

My husband and I are happily married now for 18 years and every trial and hardship has strengthened our commitment and respect for each other and we have become the best of friends in our partnership. In the beginning my husband had doubts like yourself, but as time went on we have both been able to support each other in our biggest needs and God has blessed us with three handsome boys who are doing well. I realize that everyone's situations are different, so everyone has to make their own choices based on the information they have. So the more you understand about your partner the better and more informed decision you can make.

I wish you well in your understanding and pursuit of finding the right match for your committed relationship and hope that you will not miss out on the person God has made for you because of health issues no matter who it is...cause you never know when you are the one in need of support from the one you love when you are suffering from health or other trials placed in your path unexpectedly. I don't think anyone ever asks for problems, but if you find the right partner who is willing to help problem solve and work through trials as a couple, then your chances of making it as a couple increase significantly. Best wishes!
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I couldn't have said it better! LSampson, my husband and I have been married for 18 years as well. I was diagnosed with Crohn's in college, he and I didn't start dating until I had graduated. I told him up front, although I doubt he REALLY understood all the implications of it, and probably neither did I, truth be told. He never seemed to doubt we'd be fine. And we have been. We have had 2 beautiful children in our 18 years. And even though I have made sure that we have health insurance, we've had our share of bills with it. He has seen me thru a reconstructive surgery after the birth of our 2nd child, and a resection surgery 7 years ago.
I understand and commend you for taking it seriously. You must care about her already, or you would not have got on this site to research. But as everyone as stated, you have NO gaurantee that you won't come down with an illness at any time. My husband came down with type I diabetes at age 35, almost unheard of. Now, we look out for each other's health.
 
As someone who is in a CD relationship, let me say this. Your first question to her long term outlook relates to her expenses and your personal sexlife instead of her well-being, and instead of asking her you asked this behind her back. That tells me you're not ready for a relationship with someone with crohn, and frankly any relationship because anyone can get sick, and if you're unwilling to support your partner then please spare them the heartache.
 
Thanks CLynn...by the way confused boyfriend, I definately was concerned and scared that my husband would feel or look at me differently after surgery (especially when I eventually ended up with an ileostomy) but it didn't even phase him. It was harder for me than him to accept my physical change, but it had absolutely NO bearing on sex itself nor did it prevent us from sexual involvement. It was mentally challenging for me to accept myself and get over my own insecurities. So it is very important to have a spouse who loves you unconditionally and doesn't expect you to look like a model for the rest of your life. Marriage is about growing old together gracefully. :cool2: He now has several health issues himself (which is inevitable as we age) and we have both have learned a lot about each others conditions so we don't have to go through it alone. Communication is #1...hope this helps.
 
Well, I was diagnosed 4 years into our marriage, so he was already stuck with me. :lol:

I'm sick a lot. I don't like to do a lot of activities on the weekends. We spend a few thousand a year in copays. He has to do a lot of the childcare. He also wouldn't have it any other way. Love conquers all. I do get your concerns, but they are no reason to pass up a chance at true love, a soul mate.
 
I'm with a lot of people here, you should definitely be upfront with her and be asking her these questions. A person with crohn's is the same without it, you shouldn't judge if you like her or not because of a disease she has. It should all be personality wise. I know you don't want to hurt her and all but it's kind of a little shallow to already be questioning the future based upon a disease.

I can tell you right now that there will be issues with her crohn's in the future, maybe surgery, maybe a big flare. At times she will be down and not herself. And of course at times there will be huge dry spells. But you need to look at if that is something you can deal with. If it's not, tell her. If it is, I'm sure you guys will have a successful relationship.

I do feel for you in that you are worried about her condition but it takes nothing away from her personality, and thats what you should like about her.
 
This post makes me pretty sad.

Crohns is very expensive unless you are very well insured. Even then, you still have deductibles to meet.

As far as sex goes? Depends on how you're feeling. Do you like having sex when it feels like you swallowed glass?
 
When you're looking at marriage, no matter how much you try to prepare, life will throw you all kinds of curves. In our 12 years of marriage we already have delt with: neither of us working, sickness & infections (both of us), multiple deaths in the family (including his mother) and probably a whole lot more than I can even think of right now.

Life is always unpredictable, you've just got to be prepared to take on whatever is thrown at you.
 
Hmm I'm with Sarahbear. While it's good that you want to find out more about her illness, it's better to ask her personally and I wouldn't use that as a deciding factor. For all you know, she could be in remission and be fine for the next goodness how many years and you could develop some equally if not more horrible disease in that time. No one knows what the future holds.

If you REALLY like this girl, I don't honestly see any of your questions as a problem as you'll want to be there for her no matter what. Try switching your positions and see how you think you'd feel if you were her. If you are still thinking about these things then it sounds like you are not a good match.

Good luck whatever you decide!
 
I agree with Misty-Eyed..."For all you know, she could be in remission and be fine for the next goodness how many years and you could develop some equally if not more horrible disease in that time."

...afterall, if America keeps providing and eating all the bad foods (preservatives, fats, sugars, etc) then pretty much everyone will eventually have some sort of autoimmune disorder or another that they are genetically predisposed to...and that's what ALL relationships will be dealing with together. Yikes! I'm so glad America is waking up and taking charge more and more of what goes into our bodies...its a LONG process to make such drastic positive changes.

That's why I'm sooooo grateful for the administrators of this website and others like it who put so much of their time, effort, and knowledge out there for others to benefit and not suffer too. :medal1:
 
I can only tell my story:

I was in a very stable, loving relationship for 3 years when we relocated to England for a working holiday. After a wonderful two months travelling around Europe, we settled in Birmingham and I fell very ill and was dx with Crohn's disease. I'd had IBS-like symptoms for about a year preceding but it all got very bad, very quickly. My boyfriend was really, really supportive but unfortunately I just didn't see him. I worked days in an office and he worked nights in a pub, both on minimum wage, and he also played in a friend's band two nights a week (the band was the reason we chose Birmingham of all places). I had no friends and found it hard to be social because of my flareup and stayed in all the time, while he would stay back after his shifts and drink with his workmates. I was really unhappy but I felt like it was my fault because of the Crohn's. We lost our physical intimacy, partly because I was in so much pain, and partly because he would come home from work at 7am and sleep on the couch, just as I'd be getting up for work, so we never shared a bed. I felt like such a burden because I was so tired and sick all the time, though he always assured me that we were fine and he was there, it was just bad because of the circumstances. I wanted desperately for him to give up something (find a different job, quit the band) and spend more time with me as I felt so lonely, but I felt guilty for asking and found it hard to talk about.

I knew things were rough, but still it came as a real shock when he broke it off. He said he knew how alone and unhappy I was, and encouraged me to move to Manchester where I at least had friends. Basically, he was saying that he couldn't make the changes I needed him to make, so I should leave and have a chance at happiness. He said it had nothing to do with my Crohn's and our lack of sex life, just that we'd "lost the spark". But of course the Crohn's played a part, it was all-encompassing for me when I was sick. I'd might have been able to cope with the move and made friends of my own if I hadn't been sick. Anyway, I did end up moving to Manchester, changing medications and coming out of the flare, and I am happy! I love going out, seeing friends, and I'm planning a lot more travel this year. I feel like me again. I'm getting over a broken heart of course, but it will heal.

The point of my (too long, sorry) post is, we didn't talk enough about our problems and how we were feeling, and ultimately it undid us. I've only found out his perspective after we broke up. He would assure me that he was okay with everything because he was trying to be strong and supportive, but in reality he was feeling depressed and helpless, and used drinking as a way to cope with my illness and his guilt. He said he couldn't stand seeing me so sad, and knowing that it was his fault for "dragging me overseas and then not being there" (his words). And I felt like such a burden that I couldn't ask for help when I needed it! Our friends used to joke that I'd come back from our holiday with a ring on my finger - how wrong everyone was!

So please, talk to your girlfriend about your concerns - the more open you are, the better it will be, even if it's initially awkward. She's likely already feeling insecure about the exact things you worry about. I think it's the right step that you've reached out here but you really need to talk about these things with your girl. I know my situation is different to most because there were more factors involved other than the illness, but I guess that's the point - life is full of unexpected surprises. Good luck.
 
It shouldn't matter what people have you should love them for who they are in sickness and in health!!! If you don't then you don't deserve her!! She deserves better than this I want to cry reading this. Enough said
 
Those of you upset with the OP, if you met someone with genital herpes, would you think twice about continuing the relationship? If you met someone with HIV, would you think twice about continuing the relationship? If you met someone with schizophrenia, would you think twice about continuing the relationship? If someone was infertile and you wanted kids, would you think twice about continuing the relationship?

It's not as easy as, "In sickness and in health".

He's not married, he's in an on again, off again relationship. Would you want to educate yourself about the items above before you let yourself become more emotionally involved with the person?
 
@ack what does any of that have to do with crohn. Why don't you add things like malaria and cholera to your list then, why don't you add serial killer so your list is even more silly.

None of that has anything to do with crohn and there are reasons why you couldn't be with someone, but someone on asacol with crohn sure as hell isn't enough to drop someone if you love them, and if it is you're not committed to that person at all.
 
Kiny you also have a point too I wouldn't dump anyone with a disease that isn't at all their fault. Especially coz I've got a diagnosis of indeterminate colitis which means they don't know whether it's Crohns or colitis. It's still upsetting that wants to dump her coz he can't cope with her medical needs.
 
I didn't mention malaria and cholera because they can be cured. While none of the diseases or conditions I mentioned above are Crohn's disease, they are all incurable. When we have a specific disease or condition, we are offended that it would come into play in relationships. But if we're honest with ourselves by asking ourselves if we'd think twice about other chronic issues if a potential partner had them, then we come to realize that's reality. It hurts and is one more burden of this stupid disease, but it's always best to be honest with ourselves and understand the perspective of others.

I've seen people in this thread say they'd freak out if their potential partner started thinking or asking such questions. That's because they're not being honest with themselves. And all freaking out will do is guarantee that their partner leaves. Whereas if they were honest with themselves, handled the situation maturely, and used it as an opportunity to educate their potential partner, then there is a much greater chance the partner will accept them and their disease.
 
No, you picked extremes and sexually transmitted diseases to make a point, that's not fair. You specifically picked diseases that would affect a relationship, you could have mentioned Asthma too, incurable too, but you didn't because that would negate your argument.

Every disease has it's ups and downs, and for some diseases I believe there is a legitimate reason, but crohn isn't one of them.

I too would be freaked out, simply because I would hope that the partner had my interest and well-being at heart before our sexlife or the expense of medication.
 
CheerBear12 said:
Kiny you also have a point too I wouldn't dump anyone with a disease that isn't at all their fault. Especially coz I've got a diagnosis of indeterminate colitis which means they don't know whether it's Crohns or colitis. It's still upsetting that wants to dump her coz he can't cope with her medical needs.
Click to expand...
So you'll dump someone with HIV then since chances are they had unprotected sex and used needles?

Would you be researching "Disease X" that you didn't know anything about on the internet if someone you were dating had it and you wanted to know what it entailed? And how would you feel if, while you were researching it, people with the disease started saying how it's upsetting that you might dump them because you can't cope with their medical needs.

The guy isn't emotionally involved with the woman, they've just been dating on and off. You all need to understand this difference. If this was a married man asking about his wife of 14 years newly diagnosed disease because he wasn't sure if he wanted to help her with it, then I would be upset right alongside you.
 
Yeah i would dump someone with hiv coz i wouldnt want to catch it myself but it's because of her Crohn's disease that he doesn't want to be with her. Crohns disease isnt contagious. All he is bothered about is how much it would cost for the medication which wouldn't cost anything if she was insured.
 
kiny said:
No, you picked extremes and sexually transmitted diseases to make a point, that's not fair. You specifically picked diseases that would affect a relationship, you could have mentioned Asthma too, incurable too, but you didn't because that would negate your argument.
Click to expand...
Is Crohn's disease not extreme? Will it not affect a relationship?

I'm sure this will open a can of worms but has anyone shared this study?

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1375715/

Ten pairs of husband-wife couples are reported with inflammatory bowel disease who were seen in the same geographical area in Nord Pas de Calais region of France and in Liège county (Belgium). Among these 10 couples, four were concordant for Crohn's disease, two for ulcerative colitis, and four were discordant. In nine of 10 couples neither spouse had symptoms before marriage but inflammatory bowel disease subsequently developed in both. In one couple, one spouse had Crohn's disease before marriage and the other partner experienced symptoms afterwards. Eighteen children were born to eight of 10 couples. Five of them developed Crohn's disease but four belong to the same family. In all cases the affected children were born to parents who both developed Crohn's disease after they had married and were conceived at a time when parents did not yet have symptoms. It is proposed that this pattern of emergence of inflammatory bowel disease suggests a role for an infectious agent yet to be identified.

---------------------------------------------------------

Or this one: http://gut.bmj.com/content/26/10/1086.full.pdf
Or this one: http://www.gastrojournal.org/articl...errer=http://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en

I've read that you think MAP causes Crohn's Disease. So maybe Crohn's disease is sexually contagious? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1352219/

Do you think that's pertinent?
 
That study is not suggesting it is contagious between humans, they are implying there is an infectious agent in the environment that affects people living together. Something found in the water supply, food supply, air. A zoonotic pathogen like E. Coli or MAP.

Same thing is happening with twins, when twins stay together there is a slightly higher chance they catch crohn together then when you remove them from each other, not because they are transmitting the disease, but because the environment they live in is in some way involved in the onset of the disease.
 
That study didn't say it was contagious. Yet MAP is contagious as the last study I linked to showcases. And suddenly couples are coming down with IBD.

Coincidence? Hopefully.
 
AckMac said:
Right, that study didn't. Yet MAP is contagious as the last study I linked to showcases.
Click to expand...

MAP is zoonotic, but it's not being transmitted from human to human in any study I have seen.
 
Sorry for the tangent.

I don't fault any of you for being upset. It's understandable. Just try to see it from all angles. I don't think the OP is a bad guy. He's probably better than most as he at least reached out for information rather than just running away like we all know some do.
 
I understand how difficult it is to think of being rejected on the grounds of a medical condition you have. Now that my children are older it is something I think about with each relationship they enter into and I think one of the first questions I ask is do they know you have Crohn's.

I hate the thought of them being rejected for having Crohn's but unfortunately that may be the reality one day. As much as we like to think that people aren't like that or shouldn't be like that they are. It may be for purely selfish reasons, it may be for shallow reasons or it may just be that they can't handle sickness and there are many people out there like that. Hospitals scare them, suffering scares them, illness scares them and the inability to help scares them. Then on the other side of the coin there are those people out there that never cease to amaze us, they have an ability to take on whatever life places in their path and they don't bat an eyelid. I think most us fit somewhere in between these two. :wink:

I don't see anything wrong with you voicing concerns about your relationship with this lady. I would hope that you have the same honest and frank discussion with her though and not end the relationship based on opinions given here. A discussion about her health should be no different to one you would have regarding any other aspect of life after marriage...house, sex, children, jobs, the future in general...if your opinions are polls apart then you don't move on with the commitment. No point thinking that marriage will change the way people think or who they are.

If you are looking for iron clad guarantees then you won't find them since Crohn's is a fluid disease and thus has no beginning, middle or end. Of course Crohn's or no Crohn's nothing in life is ever guaranteed except taxes and death. :wink:

Dusty. xxx
 
I think a lot of the posters are letting their emotions run away with them when responding to the OP. He said he's been seeing this person on and for a year and a half. He never once said he had feelings for her that way (love) in fact he intimates the opposite. These two have been casually dating on and off for a year and a half and now she is developing feelings. So he's being honest and asking for more information about something he clearly doesn't understand.

Some of you are getting all upset because you know Crohn's varies widely between people and the best person he can talk to about this particular case is the woman herself so it's fine to say that. But acting like he should know that is really a stretch. I didn't know it varied so widely and I have a friend who has it. I didn't know about all of the different symptoms or that it could have a bacterial infection component. I didn't even know the role inflammation played in it. My friend told me what SHE needed and we planned around it. So it doesn't surprise me that this guy doesn't know that much. The fact that he's even asking shows that he cares about her as a person and that he's a thinking guy. I grew up around all men, spent most of my time around them and Ack is right, most men would just disappear. At most they would say they need something else and be vague.

As far as Ack bringing up HIV and the reaction on here to that? I'm just dumbfounded, so I'm going to divert for a minute to educate. HIV can be controlled now with anti-retrovirals and is considered a chronic, controllable condition. With the cocktail people are non-symptomatic, meaning the virus is not detectable or very low in their blood and fluids. The chances of "catching it" with such a person is unbelievably low, especially when safe sex is practiced and simple precautions taken. HIV + women can now have babies through regular birth with extremely low risk of passing on the virus. I'm sorry to throw this out there but we can't ask people to be empathetic and understand what is happening to us when we don't give others with diseases the same courtesy. So please, let's not let our emotions carry us away on here.

Again, I apologize, but my brother runs a lab that studies HIV and I just don't want to let misinformation flourish.

So to get back on track, I think we have to go back to the original poster who was casually dating a woman with a chronic disease and wanting to know what he was getting into before he took the next step of getting serious. Let's not read things into this that aren't there. He never once said he loved this person or they were serious. He said she was starting to develop feelings and he wants to understand what's going on because if he can't handle it or doesn't choose to do so, he wants to end it now intimating before she gets more emotionally involved.

Personally I commend him for thinking about it now. Whether is Crohn's, HIV, MS, Fibromyalgia or cancer, I'd rather he asks now than walk out on a marriage when this woman is really expecting something out of him and completely in love with him. That would be terrible.
 
Everyone,
Thank you all for taking the time to comment on this. I understand why some of you were offended by my post. I also appreciate the thoughtful and supportive responses that many of you shared with me.

Even before this when I only vaguely knew about her IBD, I wasn't sure if I looked at us as a long term couple. After all, I was just getting to know her. She only recently learned about her celiac disease. This has changed her life considerably. She feels better now that she eats gluten free, but it upsets her that she can no longer eat foods she used to love (and that I used to cook for her).
The more I learn about it, the more I feel that this is not a challenge I am ready to take in my life right now. I truly care about this girl so I have to do the right thing and break it off.
 
AckMack
Of course you would think twice about being in a relationship with someone that has a CONTAGIOUS condition. I would feel completely different about something that is not contagious than I would something that is.

Would I think twice about being with someone with Schizophrenia? No I would find out if I love the real person that they are and if I loved them I would educate myself and join their battle and be there for that person as long as we made each other happy.
 
Confused boyfriend
Let her down gently. I commend you for taking the time to educate yourself :) She will find someone one day that will love her enough to join her battle and be strong enough to be her rock. Good luck to you.
 
Confused boyfriend- I give you credit for asking for help and not just running away from your situation. Hope you two can still be friends after this. Good luck to her and you. x
 
Confused boyfriend, I commend you for coming here and asking for help, so obviously you have considered her feelings. However from the original post I feel you cannot commit to her if you have worries of sex and money. Chronic illness is hard on everyone involved, not just the "infected" and the "infected" will need support from time to time and well if you cannot or feel that you don't want to provide support in any way then you should get out of this relationship. I know that if I didn't have support from my significant other the relationship just wouldn't work. The disease brings good and bad times and well if you can't be there in the bad events then time to let her know. Be truthful to her and discuss your reasoning to be out of the relationship. Idk i just feel that if you leave someone because of a chronic illness its shallow, especially if this lady is a good person. But thats my two cents, I would feel a little insulted actually, my disease does not define who I am. Let her go to find someone that is willing to fight along side her and be there in good and bad. Like the saying goes, "If you cannot handle me at my worst, then you do not deserve me at my best." Best of luck to you.
 
Hmm. I found this to be upsetting because confusedboyfriend's concerns were money and sex. Yes, these are real concerns for pretty much everyone, but there's more to someone than that. If the post read more along the lines of, "I'm worried that I'm not emotionally ready to be with someone who is going to require more care from me than the average individual and I want to know what all comes along with this disease," I would have taken it differently.

I also don't think I'm being dishonest with myself at all. I would hesitate to get involved with someone with an STD, yes - but that's different situation. Would I leave someone because they have a potentially expensive, noncontagious disease? No, I wouldn't. My current boyfriend happens to throw up every time he eats for no apparent reason, but do I care that he's hesitant to eat out and can't eat certain things because they make it worse? Nope. I also had a relationship with someone who was schizophrenic. Did that bother me? In itself, no - and that was before I was diagnosed, so at the time I didn't know I had a chronic illness.

I can see how someone with no experience with health problems might look at the situation differently - but I can't see how the only thing they should be concerned about is sex and money.

It's great that confusedboyfriend wanted to educate himself, yes. It's fine that he was worried about how her illness could affect him. I just don't think his specific concerns show much... well, concern.

Just sayin'. :shifty:
 
I would definitely try to find out more about her health. Does anyone else find it strange that she says she has Crohn's, UC, AND Celiac Disease? Does she even know for sure what exactly she is suffering from?

Even if it were to be true that it is all three, which I highly doubt, you're either in it or you're not. She deserves someone who loves her unconditionally for who she is. You can't sum a person up by a list of pros and cons. It's one thing to try to gain more of an understanding about her illness. It's quite another to use that information to decide if the return is worth the risk, as if she were a securitized investment.
 
If you love someone. TRULY love someone it's for better or worse thick and thin.. It's unconditional love. If your questioning parts of her you don't like than you Don't love her. Period.
If you loved her you would be racking your brain on how you can support her without the thought of just dropping her when she needs you the most. With this illness you have your good and bad days. I always say to people if you don't want me at my worst than you don't deserve me at my best. Don't waste this poor girls time when she could be finding someone that will truly love her and be with her at times when she needs someone.
 
Guys, calm the patriotic woman have feelings too stuff.
This guy is asking a legit question and this is a support forum.
He probably already feels bad enough to ask it.
It may seem as insensitive as hell although I can see why he is asking the question.
He is not educated in crohns so lets educate him where possible.
I actually read a story on this forum where a girl left a guy who had crohns and she ended up developing crohns 1 year after.
Think she learned her lesson.
This is a little differen though, this guy only started dating the girl.
As much as it seems horrible to ask etc I don't see guys running off to fat girls because they need loving too. "get my drift'.
First of all, I think you are doing pretty good for A. Getting a girl almost a decade younger.
B. I think discussing it with her would be a good/right thing.
C. Yes, crohns is a bad disease and can be debilitating at times although there is medication to help keep the crohnies on the right path.
Some people get affected worse than others. Its just how the disease works.
Some may go to hospital once in their life and others multiple times.
You will prob get more sex with a 25 yr. old girl with crohns than a girl your own age.
This disease feels disabling at times but as many have proven on this forum, they battle on and make a great life for themselves.
These are the things I would look at if I were you-
Is she pretty? Is she fun? Is she caring? Thats a snag to me. Life's to short to look at generics etc. also, note the baby thing written above, pregnancy can make matters worse for a crohnie so something to consider.
 
Crohns has not been titled as contagious.
They do believe there is an association with a bacteria "MAP"
This bacteria can possibly be airborne or reside in the water we drink.
They have done tests to see if the location matches to confirm airborn etc and this hasn't been confirmed.
I have had a pathogen in myself for the last 7 months and no-one around me has caught it.
Gram negative is a harder pathogen to "catch" even though catching this sort of bug is almost impossible if not impossible.
Herpes is a bacteria and you can't catch that unless sexually transmitted etc.
Many types of arthritis is bacteria, scared to catch that?
Ever heard of someone catching food poisoning? All bacteria....
So if you know someone who caught food poisoning then I will call crohns contagious :)
 
Dazzafarr said:
Crohns has not been titled as contagious.
They do believe there is an association with a bacteria "MAP"
This bacteria can possibly be airborne or reside in the water we drink.
They have done tests to see if the location matches to confirm airborne etc and this hasn't been confirmed.
I have had a pathogen in myself for the last 7 months and no-one around me has caught it.
Gram negative is a harder pathogen to "catch" even though catching this sort of bug is almost impossible if not impossible.
Herpes is a bacteria and you can't catch that unless sexually transmitted etc.
Many types of arthritis is bacteria, scared to catch that?
Ever heard of someone catching food poisoning? All bacteria....
So if you know someone who caught food poisoning then I will call crohns contagious :)
Click to expand...

No, I do believe you're wrong. Please inform me of who "they" are. Crohn's is not contagious. People don't "catch" food poisoning. They ingest an item that contains the micro-organism.

Also crohn's is not caused by any type of micro-organisms which are the main reason why we "catch" a cold or illness because these organisms can travel. Just like a STD which is a micro-organism. Crohn's is not caused by a micro-organism so it can not ever travel thus making it being contagious 100% inaccurate.
 
Dazzafarr said:
This bacteria can possibly be airborne or reside in the water we drink.
Click to expand...

It is airborne, it's found in aerosol, but that doesn't mean that you can get sick from it that way though. Eating a cow that was chopped into hamburgers because it was dying from the bacteria and you now have that bacteria on your plate, will give you a gazillion and one more of those bacteria than you can ever catch from particles in the air.

So if crohn is contagious, everyone eating hamburgers is at a much higher risk than anyone living with someone with CD. Especially now that farmers in some countries are forced to report JD positive animals in their herd, they chop them into hamburgers before authorities check them.
 
I agree with CheerBear12, it should not matter what illness your loved one has, you love them for them, not what they may or may not have, I was dx 3 months after my marriage, yes it was a shock to her, but we remained together for nine years, but in the end she got fed up with the bland food I had to eat, feeling tired a lot of the time and although I held down a full time job, I would come home drained and want to crash out in the lounge. In the end she 'got friendly' with a person at work and that was that, so to speak!
After a while I met a girl who I started going out with, I was upfront about my illness and she accepted it, in 2010 I was rushed into hospital and remained there for a week or so, it was home for a week then back in with a blood clot on my lung, crohns related!I gave her the option to walk away from me, it would have been easy for her to do so, as we didn't live together, but she remained with me.
She knows flying is a problem for me, and I would rather go away in my caravan, which we are using at the end of the month, to go to Spain, perhaps its the rows of toilets campsites have, lol. but I prefer this type of holiday as I feel safer. odd i know. but in answer to the question, don't let illness or money cloud your mind, if you love her and want to remain with her, do so.
 
Regarding CD being contagious....I highly, highly doubt it...I got sick with CD after getting married, but hubby and I were together before getting married for years (this yr will be 30 yrs, since we were both in our early teens) and he has not "caught" CD from me (he has no bowel issues to this day) neither have our 2 kids, granted my daughter has IBS (she's older than my son) but I have IBS as well and didn't develop that until much later than my CD, my daughter got IBS in her mid teens....she's 22 now. I"ve had CD for 21 yrs now, shortly after giving birth to my first (daughter)...hopefully my son will take after his dad and have no bowel issues what so ever.
 
Thank you all for sharing your opinions and feelings with the OP. He received what he needed. At this point I don't see much positive coming from future conversation and sense we might be headed in a bad direction so I'm going to close the thread.

Thank you all again!

:ghug:
 
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