I pretty much hate myself

[bella]

I went off my meds a year or so ago, as I was depressed and in denial (how could I have a disease like Crohns? Why me? etc etc). When I was off them, I lost alot of weight (I lost about 30kgs). Anyways, before my weight got to its very worst I was a nice size, one that I haven't been since before I hit puberty! Now, Im back on my meds, and have been for a long time now, but I have packed on the weight! I have reached a weight that I have never been before, and never thought I would reach. I think I put on about 30kgs after I got back to my original weight.
When I get ready to go out with friends or my boyfriend, I think I look sexy or hot, then I look in the mirror and see my fat arms, and my fat stomach, waist, backside and I want to cry. I have acne on my body now, which I never had before, and because my weight came on so quickly, I have stretch marks!!! I am now the fat girl...it makes me want to cry. Especially when I saw my Dad for the first time in a year, and I mentioned my obvious different appearence, and he said "Yeah, I didn't want to be rude and say something..." *cue broken heart!*
When I get all depressed about it, I even think about going off my meds again, just to try and get back to a nice weight, because I know its a quick and easy solution. I don't even care about relapsing!! I haven't done that because I know its the wrong thing to do, and I dont want to relapse again! I just hate what I am basically...which is sad....

 

[Absentminded]

I definitely know how you feel and I'm so sorry you're going through it!
I've always been slightly (not loads but enough) overweight. My mum is really slim, and although I know she means well she does mention my size a lot and how I need to lose weight.
I've been on antidepressants on and off since I was 16, which do help me, I've also had cbt which gave me different ways of thinking about things and coping strategies.

It's never a good idea to stop your meds, which I think you know! Once you start feeling better maybe you could do some gentle excercise? I go to pilates once a week, I'm in a class with loads of old, larger ladies so I don't feel self conscious!
Doing just an hour a week really lifts my mood (those endorphins work!) and I feel like I'm getting healthier, which in turn makes me feel happier!
I know it's hard to get the oommpphhh to get up sometimes but it does help!

I have started to embrace my curves, I'm never going to be very slim, it's just not me. I try to dress to suit my shape, lots of 50s style dresses and skirts suit me! Think Christina Hendricks!!

Again, I'm so sorry you feel like you do, I know it's a vicious circle.

 

[Josephine]

I am sorry you feel this way, it is really hard but suppose it hard to accept the disease does weight gain and lose so fast to us. I have alway be slim 35-40 kg is low and most will never be able maintain is 60kg even when I was carrying my daughters.

Clothes I will hope stay within size 8-12.

 

[Guest]

hi Bella & welcome to the forum

i'm sorry you have such negative feelings about yourself just now.. maybe it would help if you imagined that your opening post in here was a letter from your best friend to you - what would you be telling her in response?

i know it's easier to say than to do, but try and just love you for who you are - not what dress size you are, and keep remembering that being healthier over-rides being slimmer.

i agree with Lucinda about taking up some exercise, even if it's just gentle walking to begin with.. mentally you'll feel better, and it might spur you on to try something a bit more adventurous.

but please don't think about reducing the meds because of your weight.. if you do that, then all these occasions that you get dressed up for now, like going out with friends, probably won't be happening because you're too poorly to go out!

the acne can be sorted - see your gp - i had a flare-up of spots due to crazy hormones, and the doc sorted it out with some topical stuff pretty quickly.

 

[StarGirrrrl]

Rather than going off meds, ask your Dr if you can take something else to see how that works and if the side effects would be more tolerable. If it's worse you can always change back.

 

[Misty-Eyed]

Hi Bella, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Unfortunately I put the weight on through pred while I was going through puberty. It was so frusting because as soon as I lowered my dose and was started to look good again, I'd get ill and within two weeks I'd be all chubby and moon faced.

It did have a bad toll on my mental health as I really had no idea how I looked. On the inside I was exactly the same but on the outside changed so dramatically within a few weeks.

Needless to say, I too have sometimes even kind of hoped that I get ill again just to lose some weight. It seemed like the only time where I could actually lose any. And yes, it takes a lot for me to admit that because it seems so horrifying to say (or type).

You just have to think that it's really not going to be forever. When you get your body back you'll have something to show quite how far you've come and how much stronger it's made you.

I no longer wish to be ill to make myself thinner. I've taken matters into my own hands and exercise a lot and watch what I eat. It makes me look good and more importantly, it makes me feel good on the inside. Also, dingbat is right, if you stop the meds you won't be well enough to go anywhere anyway.

Stay positive! I know you'll get there in the end and feel lucky that you have a wonderful boyfriend who loves you for who you are

 

[Crohn's_Doll]

Sorry to hear that this is making you feel down. I've been there, skinny, big, med sized. But you know what? I've noticed that no matter which weight I'm at, there is always somebody to comment... "too skinny, oh she's putting on weight, wow she's chunky" It's never good enough for other people. I don't care what other people think, if it makes me feel better with weight or without, I'm still the same person. I'd like to think my personality out shines my appearance any day.

Always take care of #1, health is very important. I do understand that the weight gain can be upsetting, I've been there before. Now I just want to function in life. I love my BIG self, skinny self and in between self.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

I'm the opposite of Doll in the regard that the people who know me now don't comment any longer on my weight. I've always been thin, and before I got ill, my co-workers would refer to me as "the stick" because I was skinny and others would make comments as to how I need to eat more, etc. But when I became ill, I would mention to co-worker show I've lost 20 lbs because of my illness, and when I went on meds I would mention to them that my medication is helping me regain weight. And I've noticed that since I've been ill, nobody has mentioned anything about my weight. Which is kind of nice, it's like they know it's pretty much out of my control so they don't say anything. I like that.

And like the others on here have said, you've got to learn to love yourself no matter what dress size you are. When I was so ill and not on any meds and losing weight, I kept thinking to myself that I'd rather be fat and healthy than thin and sick! Now I'm on Entocort and I'm gaining weight, I feel pretty good most of the time, and I'm not bothered when I have to go buy pants in a larger size. It's worth it to feel human again! And my husband is happy to have me feeling better even if I've gained weight, when I was really thin but sick I was never in the mood to be intimate, you know?

 

[Crohn's_Doll]

Cat, people always commented on me being skinny... Asking if I was sick? Do I have anorexia? Do you even eat? That bothered me more than anything. I had no control over it. This was back in my younger days, but still people will comment on my weight.. Too this or too that... Today I'm just me, don't care just wanna feel better.

I'm glad you are feeling better overall. Totally agreed on the thin and sick part and not being in the mood or having no life but the couch and bathroom. Hehehe I was happy to lug my cheeks and chins around while on prednisone, I felt so much better, had tons of energy, I could eat and not hurt, I could walk without that feeling of being kicked in the stomach. I could run, jump and play!!! Worth it for me, didn't sleep much but it was a small price to pay.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Doll: I miss that pred energy! But I don't miss the insomnia, ha ha. I'm currently on Entocort and Amitriptyline (the Amitrip is to take care of the chronic headaches that I got from Entocort, and as an added benefit it has a sedative effect, so I take it at bedtime and I've been sleeping well!). Still not diagnosed but IBD is still the most likely suspect. The fact that Entocort works for me narrows down the list of suspects quite a lot, but of course my GI still can't give me an official diagnosis until he sees some actual evidence of IBD on test results, and so far all tests have come back normal.

Sorry to hijack this thread! Back on subject, I think it's helped my situation that whenever I can, I eat, so my co-workers and friends see that I'm eating and even when I was really sick and thin, I'd always have an Ensure or a banana in hand. So they knew I was eating and doing what I could to try to regain my health & weight, and they knew enough that commenting on my weight/diet was unnecessary. The people who know I'm ill often ask me about how I'm doing, what meds I'm on, etc. and if anyone else were to comment on my weight, I'm sure I'd just say something snarky and sarcastic - or I'd say that I've got a horrible illness and let them feel like a jerk for bringing it up. At this point, I couldn't care less how much I weigh or if I've got acne from the steroids or whatever. The outside does not reflect the inside, and the inside finally feels good!

 

[ameslouise]

Hi Bella and welcome! I am so sorry to hear your negative feelings toward yourself. If you haven't already, I would recommend seeing a therapist that has experience dealing with patients with cronic disease. There are so many emotions that we experience dealing with this disease, including body image, and it can be really helpful to talk thru it with someone.

We all need to learn to love ourselves, and love the drugs that help us, regardless of how they make us look. It's how they make our INSIDES look that's important!

Hang in there! - Amy

 

[chrisnsteph1022]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Eight years ago, I had my first flare and was dx. I was put on prednisone. I gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Then the depression over the weight gain kicked in, and I gained another 80 in 10 months. I hated myself. I, too, had stretch marks from such rapid gaining. I was in remission and off all meds and would WISH for the Crohn's to come back, so I could lose weight. I ended up on anti-depressants.

I lived with the weight (and gained another 20 pounds) over the next 7 years. Then last year I decided I was going to do something about it. I have lost 75 pounds, then my Crohn's flared back up. It's almost like the disease doesn't WANT me to be thin. I now refuse to take steroids (much to my GI's chagrin) because I don't think my mental health can handle gaining that weight back. I'm finally starting to feel good about my physical appearance again and won't give that up for anything.

 

[Queastor]

Reading stuff on this site was what I did while depressed.
mangafox.com/[/url]
So I didn't gain weight..well a little bit of weight. But I'm happy about that weight.
But I do Know how depression feels and it feels super ******.
I feel that these years are tough on everyone though. Before you get your feet in the soil so to speak. Then you get to worry about your Kids! YAY!
I'm 21 by the way, 22 in march boo ya and I'm assuming your probably about 20 now.

Read Skip Beat it always makes me laugh.

 

[stargazer]

Been there babe! Im hoping you will get to a point where you will accept yourself and understand that being big is something that will change, being dead isnt. The drugs keep us going and the weight is an unfortunate side effect but hey, at least youre alive to enjoy life.

 

[Jennifer]

Totally understandable Bella. I got stretchmarks too from long term use and high doses of Prednisone. I first started taking it in grade school when I was 9 and was made fun of by the other kids and was put on it again during my senior year of High School. I had just gotten my hair cut short too which did NOT look good on my fat face.

I also stopped taking my meds once and you no where it gets you? More sickness and more time spent trying to take care of it with more meds and for a longer period of time. Eventually meds stopped working and I had to have surgery and now my cute little belly button is destroyed and I can't stand being in a bathing suit feeling like people think I had a C-section or something. I've never been pregnant. I'm 28 now and still have body issues but hate to sound like a broken record, but it all comes down to loving yourself no matter how you look. These terrible meds like Prednisone are TEMPORARY and if you keep taking maintenance drugs to keep flares at bay, you can get back down to the weight you want to be at if you still care at that point (sometimes, I don't even care cause my boyfriend is still interested and wants to marry me too). Try to shove society and what they want out of your mind and just focus on getting well for now cause that's what's important.

 

[Twinkle]

Hi Bella,

I hope you're feeling better after reading everyone's comments!

Just to back up what everyone else said... in the last 6 months my weight went from 11stone, to 14, to 12, and now I'm at 13stone. (182lbs) the rate at which I gain/lose weight, like you, has caused me to have massive stretch marks (some are bigger than my little finger!) and like you I often look at myself and feel like a wreck. I often feel like I don't look like me anymore... if that makes sense? When I look in the mirror the reflection I see is so different to how I used to look, it's really disconcerting.

However, I've found that doing a bit of light exercise really helps, not only with the weight, but with feeling like you're more in control of your body/life again. That's probably what I find most upsetting about this condition, that it's out of my control. But by doing a little (and I mean a little!! haha!) exercise I've started to feel like I'm doing *something* to help myself, and that has made all the difference to me mentally/emotionally.

I know it may sound silly... but I found the best place to start was in my living room, with my wii! Just playing a bit of "Just Dance" a day really helps, my arms are not as flabby and I'm slowly losing weight - which is much better than loosing it quickly from being ill! Plus, no need to feel quite as concious of yourself when it's just you on your own in the living room!

What medication are you currently on? When I was on pred I seriously hated my moonface - so much so that I was embarrassed to go anywhere for fear of seeing someone I knew! I've been off the pred for a month no and thankfully the moonface is almost gone... my jawline isn't quite as defined as it once was, but it does resemble me again! Maybe you should soeak to your docs about alternatives? Also, it might be worth asking about something for the acne, as I'm sure they'll be able to give you something, if only advice!

Really hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself, and keep taking your meds!

x