IBD kids affecting non IBD kids lives

[Kaitlyn]

I have for kids and I'm pregnant with my fifth. Two of my kids have crohns Ryan and matt they are both my oldest kids. I have two younger kids ages 11 and 7. And my 11 year old recently got really mad at me for missing his game and sure I feel bad but Ryan was sick and I wasn't going to leave him home alone. I feel bad because they get mad at each other over it two it's always Ryan's or matts fault that me or there father misses things or not being able to eat whatever. My 11 year old is the worse I think he is jealous which I get but it's so hard with one IBD kid and I have two. I tried explaining to them that it's bot there fault there sick and they don't want to be and that we have to support them. But it seems to go in one ear and out the other I'm out of ideas and this morning Ryan was so upset over it because his brother had said something. I'm sorry if I sound whiny but I just don't know what to do and now I'm pregnant with another one.

 

[Farmwife]

Hugs and congratulations on the 5th baby.

I can olny give you a childhood memory as my advice.

My older brother was a asthmatic and I mean BAD asthma.
He nearly dies muiltible times in childhood.
Yes I'm sad to say I was mad at my brother for this.
Well that all changed one evening when for some reason my mom took ME to the hospital during his flare.
I watched him struggle to breath, my mom looked worried and nurses and docs were rushing all around us.
I never got mad at him again.
Today even in our 30's, we're still friends:hug:
and since he'll be a bachelor for life I even cook for him once a week and let him do laudry over here.
My mom and I will take the highest bid from any single ladies out there.:rof:

 

[Clash]

My non-IBD child is less affected by my IBD child since she is older and out of the house so I haven't really had this problem. Although, my younger child is "the baby" so in general terms she probably thinks he is babied too much. But when he is in a flare I can tell she is concerned and all grievances she may have against him tend to fall away.

I think it would be hard for the younger child to completely understand the limitations that the IBD children face due to their illness(I'm speaking of when they are in a flare). It might help them to see all that they are able to accomplish, do, eat and enjoy compared to that of the IBD child in a flare. It would probably be most significant if they were involved in the comparison, like have them list all of their favorite foods, activities and such then have them list the foods, activities of the IBD child in a flare. I don't know that may be far-fetched and it just may be that age and maturity will fix the problem.

Sending hugs and support your way!

 

[Tesscorm]

That's such a hard situation to be in. We all love all our kids equally and it's heartbreaking when any one of them feels he or she is not being treated fairly by you. My kids were also older when my son was diagnosed so the maturity allowed for a greater level of comprehension by his sister.

I agree with FW and Clash… getting your younger ones involved in some way that will show them what Matt and Ryan deal with may help their understanding.

When my kids were growing up, situations did arise when one needed extra attention, although, none of these situations were as serious or demanding as caring for two IBD siblings. :ghug: If the demand on my time by one was something I considered important, I explained to the other why it was important, made it clear that, as a family, we would all be supportive, that I expected this support from them but that they could also expect the same support when/if they ever needed it. I think because I was fairly clear and firm, they just accepted whatever it was (wasn't always smooth sailing but they seemed to accept that's the way things would be). However, that's not to say that I didn't appreciate that the other was feeling slighted and hurt (kids only have so much comprehension and sympathy :ack and I certainly went out of my way to 'thank' them when they showed support and to make them also feel special at times. (But, wow, it is a fine line to walk - you then don't want the first one feeling cheated on the 'extra' stuff simply because their illness, etc. is putting demands on your time. :ywow And, I can appreciate it must be even tougher when you have more kids putting demands on your time. :ghug:

Given the age difference between Matt and Ryan and your younger two, have you ever tried speaking to Matt and Ryan as well and trying to make them understand that they also need to understand that the younger two simply don't yet have the same level of maturity and understanding and may act out for a number of reasons - jealousy, concern, etc.?

So sorry you have to deal with this extra burden on top of your concerns for Matt and Ryan.

 

[Jmrogers4]

It is hard, mine are 2 years apart with Jack being the older one. My younger son was 8 when Jack was diagnosed and I think he does feel slighted at times he also feels very protective of his brother.
We have always told both of them that we are a family and they will always have each other. When we have had to miss a game or something, we generally have someone texting us updates of the game so he knows we would be there if we could and when he comes home we can ask him something specific about the game. I think it helps him to know that even though we are not there we are supporting and cheering him on.
We also do something fun/special while Jack is away at camp and James gets spoiled a little - Jack hates roller coasters, James loves them so we go to an amusement park and we spend the day riding roller coasters. (The first time was actually Jack's suggestion that we do this. I think he feels bad for his brother)

 

[Patricia56]

Badger has a twin sister. They were shoving each other off my lap when they were 18 months old so you can imagine the possibilities for jealousy and competition for attention that arose when her brother, who also has asthma and was sick often in his childhood, was diagnosed with CD when he was 10. I swear I think they are finally getting over it and they'll be 18 in 3 months.

My best advice is to find a little slice of time where you spend one on one time with each of your children weekly. Daily is ideal but who can do ideal huh?

Anyway, it can be as simple as a game of checkers together or coloring. 20 minutes can make a world of difference in how they feel and reduce that jealousy a lot. If you can set it at a time when your spouse is at home so if someone is sick you don't have to "cancel" your date with the other child that would be ideal. And if it's at the same time each day say 7:45 to 8 pm then everyone will start adjusting to it as part of the regular rhythm of the day. The kids can look forward to it and so can you. If time permits do it more than once a week but once a week is the absolute minimum.

You have my sympathies. What a lot to juggle. I hope you have a little time to yourself too.

 

[Patricia56]

Oh yeah, and you should work your spouse into the schedule too.

 

[Kaitlyn]

Thank guys so much I talked to Ryan and he knows that they don't understand what is going on with him he is ok. I have also talked to my other two sons and we now have set a time every week were we will each do something special also tried with Ryan but he is a teenager and apparently it's not cool to be seen anywhere with your mom. I still feel like I'm being pulled in twenty different directions but at least my kids are happier

 

[Niks]

It is so tricky trying to fit in time for all of your kids even when they are perfectly healthy! There will always be sibling rivalry and jealousy.

I agree be upfront and honest with all of them. Even the little ones will want to help out a little if given some responsibility. Good luck with making time for them all and Congratulations on number 5! :hug:

 

[rivitex]

I grew up with an older brother with (then fatal, I think there are starting to be experimental treatments) Duchenne's MD. Fortunately I worshipped him so I rarely was jealous. However, I did not get the parent time. Three suggestions I would make:

1. Find books or videos that describe your childrens' illness in terms the little ones can understand. Reading about some unspecified child with the illness makes it less personal, and more a fact of life (sort of like those family rules charts--it's not about me and you, it's just the way life is).

2. I totally agree with scheduling special time with the healthy ones. With a larger family, this is vital anyway. Even more so with illness.

3. Is it possible to have group family fun time? It's hard with a large age range, but it's important for both healthy and sick kids to feel like they aren't having to give up things "normal" families have just because there is illness in the family. And if necessary, take an extra babysitter or caretaker with you. If you can build treats into trips to the doctors that also helps lessen resentment from the others. This can be anything from a gift from the hospital gift shop, to everyone goes for a treat on the way home, to a special babysitter who comes to play fun games when sibling goes for treatment. I know it sounds silly--but I still remember playing in the Boston Childrens' Hospital garden with my mom when my brother was in for yet more treatments, and her giving me a scarf from the hospital store. I was *four*--and I still remember.